Potter Of My Soul

2017: The Year of Peaks & Valleys

Wowza, it’s been almost a year since I’ve last blogged! What a better way to start the new year then with a reflection post of the previous year? Long read, so bare with me :D

To say 2017 was a year of peaks and valleys is an understatement. I started the year off by quitting my job and quickly starting a new one. I remember feeling so incredibly defeated. I had undertaken the great task of starting a new position while continuing my studies in a doctoral program. I really was in over my head. And I learned the hard way. My classes had taken up so much of my energy, that I only had time to sleep, shower and eat. At the end, I felt I had no choice but to quit both and after much prayer, I did. 

But God showed me tremendous grace! Within a week, the highest paying hospital contacted me for an interview, and within a month I started there! I finally landed a job I never thought I could. I had and will always have the highest reverence for PICU nurses. I never thought I had what it took to be one. But there I was, stepping through the doors God alone opened for me. 

You may wonder how I know God alone opened them for me? Well, after applying to 14 different jobs, and only hearing back from one, I would say that was God narrowing my options. In this job, I was blessed to learn so much, have amazing preceptors, an amazing team, and grow like I never thought I would. I slowly went from being overwhelmed with self-doubt to having hope. 

Soon enough, my husband and I would get blessed with meeting a fellow believer in Christ who would lead us in buying our first home! During our first day of house scouting during the month of April, we found the house! It’s true what they say, you know which house is meant for you the minute you walk in.  

And then came the best news of all! I got pregnant shortly after! I should have known too. I was getting sicker and sicker at work. Unable to concentrate and finding myself trembling uncontrollably, I didn’t realize my hormones were going haywire. This was the start of deep valleys. Shortly after, I was diagnosed with Hyperemesis Gravidum. Now, let me briefly explain what hyperemesis gravidum is by telling you what it’s not. It is not your 3 month morning sickness, were you throw up maybe 4 times a day and get relieved by ginger ale and crackers. It’s not were you can continue to eat despite it coming up 2 hours later. Hyperemesis gravidum makes you bedbound. Your whole body is depleted of nutrition. I found myself throwing up 50X a day and that’s not an exaggeration. I lost huge amounts of fluids from both ends, and constantly found myself in the ER getting IV fluids. I was absolutely not able to hold anything down. Within minutes, not hours, the food was up. No, I could not even take down water, even less Ensure. I lost 15 lbs and only started gaining weight at 6 months. To be quite honest, I felt like I was dying. And perhaps I was. I had terrible OB care and what’s worse I lost the will to advocate and fight for myself and my baby. The toilet was my new bedroom. I slept on the bathroom floor or next to a bucket around the clock. I vomited so much I began to throw up blood. I had uncontrollable tremors in my arms from the lack of Magnesium and Calcium in my system. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, had severe chest pain, tachycardia, would drop things I held from how weak I felt, and had both legs constantly going to sleep starting at 2 months of pregnancy. To say it was the worse physical health I’ve ever been in is no exaggeration. But I thank God with all my heart that he delivered me from that. 

Looking back, I now see that this is where I began to feel defeated and to be quite honest ready to die. I would lay in my bed with no ounce of energy to fight to live. I would think to myself, “Well, if this is how I die, so be it. I can’t keep going to the ER. I can’t keep bugging the doctor. I can’t bother anyone else either.” The spirit of depression had honestly taken a toll on me. Our home was also filled with boxes from the recent move. Family was upset they hadn’t been able to come over. Some unaware or just plain not understanding of how ill I was. I was in no mood of having anyone over, especially because of the mess I had left the house in. This caused more affliction and isolation in my heart. I started to feel no one cared about my circumstance or were pushing my struggles aside. I became full of self-pity, an illness of it’s own. Not only this, but due to the hyperemesis, I had to be placed on short term disability and eventually I had to resign from my job. That lead to a new season of financial struggles. Given the new home and the new car, I kept thinking “Lord why me? Why us? What are we going to do?” 

Yet in my darkness of isolation, self-pity and dare I say misery, God showed his mercy and faithfulness, and provided! Through a friend of ours, the Lord blessed my husband with another job the week I lost my own! We were able to make our bills, even if it left no leg room for miscellaneous items. What a blessing filled with it’s own challenging lessons it turned to be. I had to learn to be frugal, to be OK with saying “no” to items such as Christmas gifts, to learn how to coupon for groceries, furniture, clothes etc. I had to learn to be patient in waiting for God to provide…And, oh how he did. I wish I could write all the wonderful ways he showed us provision. The unexpected ways we had been blessed with money to pay our bills, complete items off of our registry or simply eat. Wow, the LORD Almighty is good beyond measure!

But I didn’t just learn in 2017 how merciful God had been. In fact, in that year, I learned my biggest lesson…. The importance of extending grace to others, even when it’s incredibly tough. During one night in October, when my hyperemesis was almost at it’s end, I received several messages on Facebook. In them, I was informed my younger sister was trying to take her life. What ensued was me racing to her at about 70 mph, praying and shaking uncontrollably all while pregnant. Turmoil hit me when I got there. Tears filled my eyes for days as I waited outside the ICU, hoping God would pull her through. I sat in that waiting room losing track of time, track of anger, track of life. I kept running through my mind everything I did wrong when it came to my relationship with her. How I didn’t show her the grace she needed. How could I be so blind? How could I have kept flowing through life only thinking about my hopes and dreams while others were in need? I also came to the realization of how tormented and afflicted I was about the notion of death. Not just my death but any loved ones death. I had not and could not surrender this fear to God. It was suffocating to say the least. But God not only lovingly and mercifully spared her life but he showed me I could be free of my fears. Through this, I learned the following important lessons. 1) He is sovereign no matter the circumstance or outcome 2) His plans are not my own 3) He is merciful 4) He disciplines those he loves 5) He has overcome the world, so I need not worry 6) I need to set my eyes on him not on anyone else least I take a hard fall 7) His grace is enough, so we must extend grace to others and 8) I must surrender every fear, every dream, and worry at his feet and believe he would carry me through no matter the ending.

Mind you, despite this epiphany, I still find myself struggling to surrender my worries. From ongoing pregnancy complications, marriage trials, LOTS of family bickering that left my soul feeling depleted, neglected, and rejected, I have found myself feeling incredibly discouraged at many points throughout 2017. But God truly brought me out of it. I learned I couldn’t let my heart turn bitter. I saw firsthand, God never forsaked me. So I must trust in him. My job is to keep pressing into him.

As 2017 comes to an end, I know all these lessons are true reminders of the love of Christ. And despite my moments of utter desperation and affliction, God has showed me *love* through fellow believers, his word, his provision, his peace, my husband, the baby in my womb and much much more. The point is, I am not alone. And yes, 2017 was a rollercoaster on fire. And yes, my heart is weary. And yes, God is still strong enough to sustain my weariness. And yes, God hears my cries. And yes, God is real. And yes, God is love. And yes, he loves me and you. And yes, there will be tribulation in this life, but oh dear soul take heart because he has overcome the world (John 16:33).

Bible Scripture.

John 16:33- “ I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

Matthew 9:13- But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’ For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.

Ephesians 2:4-5-”I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”  

1 Peter 5:10- And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

Titus 2:11-12-  For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age.

Phil 4:19-And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.