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If you find a girl centaur, does she have horse titties and human titties???

Can a dom just come up and hug me from behind??? Like I don't need anything sexual- I'm just lowkey touch deprived...

Christmas feels more like a deadline than a holiday.

Somewhere in the world, there is somebody with your dream job that hates going to work everyday.

When a company offers me a better price after I cancel their subscription, they're just admitting they were overcharging me.

Tobacco companies kill their best customers and condom companies kill their future customers.

I've been woken up over 10,000 times and I still get angry everytime.

I've woken up over 10,000 times and I'm still not used to it

Instead of colorizing photos, in 50 years we will be removing filters.

Aliens invaded the Moon on July 20th, 1969.

If someone offered to pay for my food and rent for the next 18 years, I'd do anything they ask of me. But I complained every time I took the trash out while living at my parent's house.

If I get up 10 minutes earlier than usual, I treat it like 2 extra hours and end up late for work.

What if Earth is like one of those uncontacted tribes in South America, like the whole Galaxy knows we're here but they've agreed not to contact us until we figure it out for ourselves.

Tall people are expected to use their reach to help shorter people, but if a tall person were to ask a short person to hand them something they dropped on the floor it'd be insulting.

The Olympics should have a 'For Fun' section at the end of all the games so all the athletes can try different sports.

As a kid my parents taught me to not believe everything I see on TV, now I have to teach them to not believe everything they see on Facebook.

Lawyers hope you get sued, doctors hope you get sick, cops hope you're criminal, mechanics hope you have car trouble, but only a thief wishes prosperity for you.