i was thinking about what it would be like to meet anton in person, and oh my god, it would be the most embarrassing thing in my life. i can only think about how much i would want to die at that moment, how much i would want to run or disappear. i would undoubtedly cover my eyes with my hands because i wouldnt be able to look at him, i would probably run and crouch down somewhere, and if i didnt do all that, i would cover my face with my hands and avoid as much eye contact as possible. if i covered my eyes with my hands and could see his shoes, i would move away until they were completely out of my sight or try to look away with my hand in front of my eyes. i would probably repeat in my head "please, someone kill me, God kill me," with my eyes watering. if it were a scenario where i could scream, i would scream.
i dont even know if i'd be able to make jokes like i usually do when i get nervous, i wish it could at least be a moment when i had time to calm down and have a normal conversation, but i dont think that would happen, it would be too lucky for me. i even thought about whether i could pretend i didnt know him, but that would hardly result in a calm conversation, and i probably wouldnt be able to keep pretending. so if i pretended not to know him, i would try to ignore him or leave the place, and i would regret it immensely.
i would want to die, i wouldnt even be able to be near or touch him, just thinking about touching him makes me want to scream with embarrassment like hell nooooo. it would be one of the worst and best moments of my life, i would have to die because it would be so embarrassing or i would have to die because i want it to be my last memory β₯οΈ.