sometimes i read my tumblr posts from my teen years and im like “shit i dont know this person at all. who tf is this???” cuz genuinely that bitch knows nothing of whats to come and they arent even close to being me yet and maybe that’s beautiful in a way but its mostly sad

my soul feels so intertwined with yours. it always calling out to you. constantly reaching out. i can’t feel you clasping me in response yet but i hope i will soon. i dont wanna stare at the date again and know its your birthday too and see everyone but me surrounding you because im cut out of the picture. back then it was cuz i was yet to fully enter the picture. but this time i should be. and im afraid that this year again i will not be included. i hate that im marker of your loneliness. i didnt mean to be the straw that broke the camel’s back. i didnt mean to be a slight breeze to your friend groups fragile house of cards. i looked at that picture and felt jealousy but none of them are still beside you. because of me, mostly because things were already fragile but i was the catalyst. it was still me. i hate that and i love that. im happy i came out still next to you but i wonder if you are happy too. i don’t think so

i lied to you. i do want it. it is something ive wanted. but you said you didnt. its boundary that needs to be respected, but everyone tells me this is something i need my own boundary on and that compromise is not possible. does that mean i have to leave you? i cant. not right now when things are how theyve been. we still need each other right now. but later? later will i need to break from you? i dont want resentment to grow from either one of us. is this really something make or break? i love you

i am thinking about your lips again today. i think no matter how many times i kiss you, it will remain shocking. i will never become desensitized to it. im sorry for splitting on you so much. im sorry im so hot and cold. even when im splitting thinking about kissing you sends a shock through me as if i can feel the whisper of it. i dont think ill ever stop mourning how bpd makes people distort. why cant i just love you like i want to?

i wish i didnt split so much. truly if i were the loverboy i was destined to be… why must i be addicted to misery? why is falling into the habit of feeling broken and sick so alluring? i go to mental health professionals and tell them this shit and theyre like “omg yas ur aware” then offer no further help. fuck u 😭 i wish i wasnt aware so youd actually help me

sometimes i be splitting on my partner and they say something cute and im like “fuck,, my addiction to misery or using this as a booster to shake myself into not splitting anymore??” which do i choose?

i dont know if it’s just like healing. slow repair from traumas and working on dealing with my mental illness but shit am i a crybaby these days. its like a switch just went off for me one day and i cant turn it off. after so many years of creepily never crying no matter what, i now cry when i look at service animals or horses or people performing art. not because im sad but cuz theyre all working so hard and i admire it. especially cant look at horses without getting teary eyed

i wasn’t looking for you when i found you. so it makes it so much harder to replicate the process of finding new people to open my heart too. not to replace you, but to build a community for us. i want you to be proud of me. i feel myself slipping from your grasp. but purposely so. i cling to your hand, wanting to stay in it. but youre letting me slip. i want you to be proud of me

ngl i take a lot of peace in knowing the earth will eat us. no matter what my atoms and your atoms and the atoms of our influence on the world will all be eaten by the earth. i don’t take comfort in seeing other life get eaten along side us cuz of our choices but still. the earth will go on and it will create beautiful life once again

untense your shoulders btw 👍 or your jaw or both