have you ever seen a human heart?

I had to beg to have my hand held today and immediately cried. I’m pathetic. A crying baby because I am so touch starved

I have a date with some guy this weekend. He’s attractive and we share similar interests so far. He seems like he could be cool. I’m still just thinking about the girl I kissed though. I think it’s the unfulfilled promise of it, the things that could have been. I think about how much I want to try something sapphic. Is it an inherent part of me that’s missing? I love the idea of being with another woman and I think that there is a way that kind of live could be deeper than anything that I’ve shared with a man. I also think about how much I’ve enjoyed men. There’s just something missing. Maybe it doesn’t have to do with gender at all, maybe it’s just that I feel unheard everywhere I go. I’m dying to be loved and understood and cared for. I think I’ve been crushed so often that it’s hard to even imagine a connection anymore. Who would want me? But then I also remember that every time I go on a first date that it could be the last first date. Take that as you will. I remember being so angry when I was accused of desperation after an amazing first and second date. I hadn’t dated anyone in years and I’d been turning people down back then. I was so livid at the assumption that my excitement at the potential of a relationship was because I was desperate for one and not because the match seemed good. Now, I do feel desperate. I no longer feel loved and cared for or supported or understood or thought of. I want to give to my friends so badly and I constantly wish for them to be the same but even the best of friends can’t give me the love I’m asking for. So I have to rely on some stranger who might learn to love me one day, maybe. I’m still thinking of her and the kiss though.

I’ve become obsessed with the kiss. I’m glad she was braver than me. I want more. I don’t think it’s because I’ve abstained but I do think the pause in pursuing someone has made everything a little more intense. When I think about how it was with J and S after having abstained, I was obsessed with a kiss too. I was obsessed with a simple touch and a gaze. This time, I’m caught between the panic that something went wrong, that it was bad, maybe my breath smelled bad, and the constant craving and desire for more. I play the image of her leaning in and then pulling away only to smile and and hungrily pull me in for more. For the first time in a long time, I don’t want t be a selfish lover.

A kiss! A kiss!

Screaming through the perpetual void of loneliness

I think I need to start writing a book, tackle it all and figure out what it all means

My endless thoughts about losing her are nearly unbearable. I’m stuck wondering what I could have done and what could have been. I wonder if we could ever come together again. All I am sure of is that I love her and that, at this moment, she has moved on. I love her and because if that, I have to let her go. I have to let her be.

Ever since finding out that they all hung out without me and there was a nice little session of talking behind my back… I feel terrible. I’m grateful that I’m a little bit insane and keep track of everything, that I keep all the dates and all the evidence because I found out that she’s saying that certain verifiable facts are untrue. I started doubting myself so I went back and checked and I still have my evidence. Thank god. But I am now somewhat concerned that I will be losing friends over this. I am concerned that just because I have this evidence, that my word still won’t be taken as fact and that I will be taken less seriously bc of my nature, resulting in the loss of friends regardless. I didn’t realise that my position was so precarious, frankly. On the other hand, I feel a sense of crazy and innate satisfaction knowing that I am not as deeply moved and horribly hurt in the aftermath as the other parties. I set it behind me and have accepted the freedom and the loss that has come in the wake of things. I cannot deny that it has given me a thrill knowing that losing me is literally nauseating to her when it does not feel that way to me. I felt relief ending things. I felt free and strong. I would never admit this to our mutual friends because they do not need to know that I am not feeling benevolent or tactful in any way and I will continue lying through my teeth in order to maintain those friendships because they matter to me. Still, with all my precautions, I am concerned that they will stop believing me. I am also aware that several unfavourable things have been said about me. I will just have to accept that perhaps this is the end? I will make new friends and if they no longer want to be in my life that there is nothing I can do to force it, as upsetting as that might be. I think witnessing this happening in my sister’s life is helping me make sure I am making the right decisions. Nothing is permanent. Maybe I need to loosen my grip and let go of the precautions in general? Idk, I’ll see.

It’s almost been a year since we last spoke and I’m still crying about losing her. When I think about who I want in a partner I always think about her. I know I am no longer part of her life and will likely never be welcome again. I really hope that one day I will see her again, somehow. I hope that one day I can tell her that I loved her and I regretted never telling her. I hope that one day she might forgive me. I don’t know how to fill the void she left.

Signed my lease today! I’m ecstatic <3