hmm?

really sinking in tonight that my home hospice plan means not coming back to the hospital and so i won’t ever see these nurses or nursing aids or respiratory therapists or cafeteria workers or doctors etc. etc. again after i discharge in the morning.

it’s 9pm on a sunday night and i am sitting on my best friend’s couch two days after being home from the hospital and another best friend of mine is also here because they came from two states away to literally just cook for me and take of me post getting out of the hospital and all i had to do was say i wanted chicken soup and now the two of them are making chicken soup for me from scratch while i sit on the couch stoned and happy and sketching in my sketchbook (in charge of the tv) and all of this to say that this is what happens when you work really hard to build intentional family with your friends. there is nothing they are unwilling to give to me and instead of one romantic partner taking care of me when i am sick i have a dozen people taking care of me through this last stage of my life and it’s perfect. it’s perfect.

some people get to watch the twist of the good place for the first time because they haven’t watched the show before and wow what a gift.

single & celibate because literally all my friends treat me like the love of their lives.

after a few incredibly delicious hookups with a mad cool dude i am now deciding that celibate and single indefinitely is the next chapter or few chapters. and the moment my brain settled into the idea i felt so fucking safe and calm and like my body had been vibrating and i didn’t know it and then one day it just stopped. my body has never felt better then when it is in my own hands. and my life is so full of relationships i don’t think there’s much room left for small trysts. fuck. i’m so happy.

eating my most cursed struggle meal* and packing for my road trip to my cursed home state** that i love so much and feeling so psyched and happy.

there is nothing more holy than how your friends treat you on your birthday. nothing more holy than sharing in a moment that only means “how lucky we both are that you were born and i was born. and that we were both born close enough together to be able to choose each other.”

yesterday was my birthday. part of me is sure it was my last birthday. i am overjoyed that i have been able to just be around my favorite people doing my favorite things and eating my favorite foods, essentially what every good birthday should be tbh.