let it be known that while i don’t think shane realized ilya was flirting at first i do not think shane didn’t know, ya know?
to me shane makes sense as kind of guy who probably knew he was queer, if not gay, and filed it among many of the other things he probably knows about himself but doesn’t do anything about
maybe it’s the general autistic apathy, maybe it’s a mindset of anything outside of hockey doesn’t matter, but either way, he knows. he is undeniably flirtatious with ilya but never past what is acceptable, never beyond what could be taken as just being friendly.
because while he does know, he also knows the circles he runs in, for so long i think he genuinely believed that he would meet a cool girl and yeah, he’d always be attracted to men or whatever but it wouldn’t make a big difference at the end of the day.
because here is the thing, shane is deeply acquainted with self-denial. but he is also ragged with insatiable wanting.
his flirting in the alley is him wanting, his “fuck off” in the shower is him wanting, every “come to the cottage”, every sext, everything he has ever done and will ever do is in service of an empty pit in his stomach that will never be filled.
and i think it’s why he loves hockey, bc he wants and he wants and it always has more to give him, more games, more cups, year after year. always more, always better.
and in between those wins is ilya, who shane sees as infinite. i think the moment where shane realizes ilya has been flirting back, that ilya wants him too, when he makes it clear to shane that it is okay for him to want it, that’s the moment that like alters shane’s trajectory.
i think it’s very interesting to see how many people view shane as like either passive or meek when all i can see when i look at him is that under the flat affect is a man, alone in a room, screaming
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