Bouffant-B

I obviously don't post on tumblr on a regular, but not a lot of people follow me here so it’s safe for me to vent. Over the last couple months of me dating my girlfriend... I realized how much of an impact my ex made on my life, mostly my personality. 

Prior to being with, lets call him fuck head, I was more out going, more confident, almost cocky... I didn’t mind being in a social situation, all though I have never been the type of person to go out of my way to meet new people or make new friends, I didn’t mind being in a social situation. I always wanted to stand out, I always felt confident to be the different one in the group. 

Now, when my girlfriend tells me I’m beautiful, or tells me I'm pretty, my immediate answer, without even thinking, I saw no. Not only not knowing how to react to the compliment, but also not believing it. 

For a little over a year, fuck head would tell me on a daily basis that I was stupid, and told me I was unattractive to him because of my “big belly,” I was pregnant at the time. In that time he was giving other women attention on social media, and also paying the nasty bitch subscriptions on snap chat... 

While pregnant my hormones sent me into a very bad depression, on top of him telling me all the horrible things he did, physically strangling me twice and almost running me over with his car... the only thing I could think to do was take myself out. He made me not want the baby, and when I communicated that he made me feel guilty and horrible about being afraid... 

I sat and starred at a bottle of pills for 2 hours... and the only thing that stopped me was knowing that the baby inside me would not survive... and his life being ended because of a heartless asshole wasn’t fair. 

A month later, I made him leave, I kicked him out. and 2 months later, I had my son, I gave him my last name and took him home alone... (my parents and brother have been an enormous help, so bringing him home wasn’t completely alone). 

Being a mom is the best thing that has ever happened to me, but on the flip side, I left part of me in that relationship. A large part of my personality was smothered... and I kind of used my son as the happiness I used to have on my own. I feel naked when I don't have him and I don't feel a sense of accomplishment even when I do something great at work...