★ grapejuice blues

lynn would be lying if she said she wasn’t at least a little sad that she never got this version of her mother, but as long as her sisters did, she could never complain. plus, all of her meetings with dr. agard made lynn come to the realization that their relationship is a two way street. if she ever wanted it to get better, she’d have to put in an effort, too.

however, her effort isn’t the same. of course lynn answers the quick phone calls and attends the new family dinners, but what she really needs to work on is forgiving peter and getting rid of the resentment she holds for her mother that came when the woman took him back. she always thought her father’s absence never bothered her, but it did and she hated the fact that he was able to waltz into her life like it was just another tuesday. like the decade he spent pretending she didn’t exist meant absolutely nothing at all.

after this week’s wednesday family dinner, the two women sat on the back porch until the early hours of morning, each consuming enough red wine to probably fill a kiddie pool. lynn didn’t really mean to stay up that late nor did she mean to drink that much, but once her mother started to cry into her glass with long apologies about how she’s treated her, she decided that a few extra glasses wouldn’t hurt. 

the dinner took place after a three hour long impromptu session with dr. agard. harry had made a comment about her crows feet and smile lines earlier in the week, and it kind of sent her whole world tumbling.

really, lynn had mentioned them first. she caught her reflection in the door of harry’s freshly scrubbed microwave (courtesy of her), and thumbed at the obvious indentations permanently etched into her skin before mumbling something under her breath about needing to invest in botox.

“don’t,” harry had replied with his face buried deep in his refrigerator, a soapy rag in hand. “means you’ve been happy.”

and then he turned around and started talking about finally finding that lime he had been missing all week. lynn wasn’t really paying attention after he had her facing a gut-wrenching reality literally seconds prior, but apparently the finding called for tequila shots, and she wasn’t going to be one to disagree.

lynn spent so much time being miserable and hating her family life, but she never really stopped to think about the good parts of it. sure, she hated the fact that her dad came back, but without him, she wouldn’t have her little sisters that she loves so so so much.  

the chocolate bars she buys for jane after every recital were the exact same ones that kathleen used to leave out on the counter for her when she had a chorus concert, and sometimes when she wakes up in her bed surrounded by jane and amelia, a piece of her is transported back to being four years old, tucked under kathleen’s arm with a vcr tape of casper playing on the television.

her mom would take her out at least once a month and buy her whatever she needed. whatever she wanted, really. they’d go on expensive vacations every year, and when younger lynn came home crying because she loved the beach so much, kathleen bought the condo they stayed in. it wasn’t even for sale.

so after talking with dr. agard until her throat felt raw, lynn realized that her mom spent her entire life trying to give her the financial security that she didn’t have when she was growing up. her parents didn’t come into money until later in life (after all of their kids were grown), and lynn was left with every cent of it anyways.

so, after a few glasses of wine, lynn told her mother that all she wanted growing up was for her to just be present, and kathleen has been trying to fix that ever since. 

she hosts weekly family dinners and invites lynn to morning coffee. she drops jane off at school instead of making her take the bus and spends hours after work in an abandoned shopping mall’s parking lot teaching amelia how to drive. she helps the girls get ready in the mornings and she’s there tucking them into bed every night, and even if it’s too late for lynn and maybe amelia, at least jane gets all of her.

it was such an odd situation to be in. she sometimes finds herself feeling jealous of jane as she’s getting a children’s book read to her at bedtime. lynn wishes that she could remember those kinds of parts of her childhood. the soft moments with kathleen were rare growing up, but they existed in faint memories and nostalgic feelings and… well, that would just have to be enough.

she felt so many different things every time she dissected her childhood with her therapist. there used to be so much grief and disappointment and anger, but now, she found herself looking back on it in a positive light. little lynn didn’t get all of kathleen, but she did get all of elena and that was something she’ll be eternally grateful for.

her family life wasn’t the only topic of discussion when she met with dr. agard. recently, lynn’s found that she was bringing up harry more and more, especially now that he was seeing oliver.

she thought their night together would be awkward, but harry simply changed into a pair of her shorts and got under the covers. his eyes were closed, and lynn could tell he was sleeping again by his long, deep breaths. she had never seen him so tired.

once lynn climbed into her side, harry rolled over and pulled her into his chest like it was a reflex. his lips pressed against her shoulders a few times, and then she felt his hand sink under the fabric of her old tshirt, his fingers roaming over the bare skin of her stomach. for a split second, part of her wished they would dip down under the waistband of her underwear just like they had a month ago. a bigger, more sane part of her told her to close her eyes, so she did, falling asleep in what felt like seconds.

the next morning, she woke up to his fingers sliding down her arm until they reached the inside of her wrist, thumb gently pressing into her pulse point. it’s something she’s only caught him doing once before, but lynn suspects it’s something he does every time they wake up next to one another. a content sigh fell from his lips after a few moments, and then he tried to wake her up with soft shoulder kisses and promises of fruity pancakes covered in sugary, sweet syrup. 

remembering that time had her stupidly standing outside of his apartment with their usual chinese orders a few days later, but just as she turned back to get the forgotten wine bottle in her car, the elevator arrived with a very pretty boy inside. he was smothering his lips in some kind of menthol chapstick that lynn could smell as soon as the doors had opened.

the boy offered her a smile before stepping out, and lynn watched with a heavy chest as he made his way to harry’s front door. he didn't even knock. instead, he used the key on his keyring, and lynn’s stomach twisted at the sight. 

oliver. 

“honey, i’m home,” he sung into the apartment with a laugh.

honey. home. oh, she was going to be sick.

and she was, not even five minutes later. lynn lost whatever was left of her lunch in the communal trashcan right in front of the complex. the guilt scorching her skin like a bad sunburn.

the suffocating feeling found her again a few days later when harry stood in front of the glass door of the bakery. when lynn saw him, he was beaming. the grin on his lips looked like it was making his cheeks ache. he had two to-go cups from the café in one hand, and when lynn unlocked the door for him, his free hand was thrown around her neck to pull her into him. 

“evy,” he sighs into her hair. “i’m so, so happy to see you.”

“hmm, and why’s that?” she pulls away to look at him, and harry offers her a cup with a messy e.a. written on the lid. the handwriting matches the one she often found on post it notes and grocery lists stuck to harry’s refrigerator, and when she looks down at his, she can’t help but notice the way the ‘h.s.’ is written in nora’s neat handwriting. “wait, let me guess. you want another chocolate cupcake.”

“ha ha,” he deadpans. “no, that’s not—actually, if you’re offering i wouldn’t say no.”

“depends. what’s the occasion?”

“my paintings sold,” his cheek caves in like he was biting it to stop his growing smile and something inside of lynn makes her itch to press her lips into the indentation. “someone in raleigh bought them for like… an insane amount.”

“harry,” a matching small smile’s fighting to make its way on her face. “that’s so exciting.”

“i know,” his fingers are holding her elbow, and he takes a step back, eyes raking over her frame like he’s taking her in. she’s only wearing her lousy baking clothes and an apron, but his face becomes unreadable for a moment and she feels incredibly self conscious. “shit. i’m sorry. you’re busy. i shouldn’t have come.”

“why did you?” it’s only meant to be a thought, but it slips out of her mouth, and lynn shamefully watches as he pulls himself away from her. 

“i don’t know. i got the email this morning, and i felt so relieved. it’s going to help so much, and i just… i wanted to share it with you.”

the two of them stand in front of each other so closely. the toes of their shoes are bumping into one another’s. his eyes are a shining green that reminds her of the fresh, spring time grass she and elena used to spend long afternoons sitting on. the woman would hold a notebook on her lap, writing down lynn’s critiques in glitter pen as they ate the cakes and pastries they spent all morning making.

there’s no reason for her brain to be comparing the feeling of being this close to harry to her happiest childhood memories. 

but it does.

“well, why don’t we get you that cupcake, sunshine?” her palms press against this chest. “i’d say you deserve one. maybe even two.”

the two of them spent the rest of the morning locked away in the bakery, before moving over to the cafe for another coffee (or two) which only made one thing incredibly clear to her. this needed to end, just like dr. agard suggested the last several times lynn has been sat on her couch.

it was easy to let herself indulge in harry and whatever he gave her when oliver only existed in her mind, but now he had a face with a sweet smile and kind eyes. everytime lynn thinks about having harry in her bed that night or letting him feed her his unwanted strawberries from his fork at breakfast the next morning, she sees him, too. what they were doing was far more than just friendly, and it was so incredibly wrong.

so, she invited harry and oliver to her family’s cookout, and to create as much space as possible, she told him to invite his new art school friends, too. lynn also invited silas (and an additional text was sent to ren when the boy casually mentioned that they were seeing one another again), all of which accepted her text message invitation. that meant there was absolutely no reason for the two of them to be alone at all today, and lynn planned on keeping it that way.

lynn leaves her head at the sound of amelia and jane arguing their way down the stairs. there’s a stack of chocolate chip pancakes on both sides of her, and when lynn looks up, kathleen is sliding a plate of blueberry ones in front of her. 

it’s simple, but her heart still swells at the gesture as she thanks her mom. blueberry pancakes were her favorite when she was a child (only they were usually made by elena), and lynn can’t help but wonder how her mother even knew that about her. the woman gives her a smile, and lynn thinks that the tiniest (really, the absolute tiniest) piece of her inner child heals with it. 

“don’t thank me,” kathleen’s moving the dirty dishes to the sink. “it’s something i should have been doing from the very start.”

✮✮✮

harry shows up a little earlier than everyone else with the catering peter had asked him to pick up while lynn and kathleen are back in the kitchen. the older woman has been chopping up vegetables for the last hour while lynn arranges them neatly on a tray.

“hi, honey,” harry presses his lips against hers, and she tries not to let the way her stomach churns reflect on her face. she watches as he carefully opens the oven door and slides in the trays he’s carrying to keep them warm, desperately wanting to get her mind off of the fact that harry lips tasted faintly of menthol chapstick.

“thank you for doing that, harry,” her mother says. “i really appreciate it.”

harry waves her off, a boyish grin taking over his face. “it was nothing, really.”

“harry!!!” jane’s shriek cuts through the quietness of the room. the little girl runs up to him, arms stretched out wide for a hug. harry crouches down to pick her up, and she sits on his hip with her arms tightly wrapped around his neck.

“sunflower,” harry coos. “‘ve missed you so much.”

“duh,” jane says with a frown on her lips. “i haven’t seen you since my birthday. you must hate me.”

“hey, don’t say that,” harry’s fingers pinch at her sides causing her to erupt in little giggles as she pushes his hand away. “i’ve been busy with school, just like you.”

“you’re too old for school,” a skeptical pout takes over her sister’s face, and it’s harry’s turn to laugh. he does so with shiny eyes and big dimples, and the sight of the two of them makes lynn swoon. 

“i’ve got a few more things to get from my car,” harry says. “do you want to come, janey? i have a friend you can meet.” 

“i didn’t know you had friends,” the way she says it so seriously makes lynn muffle a laugh with the palm of her hand, and when she looks over, even kathleen has an amused look growing on her face as she watches the pair, too.

“oh whatever,” harry rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling as he walks with her to the front door. “you’re carrying the biggest box all by yourself for saying that.”

“oh man,” she catches jane’s sad sigh, and then they’re gone.

lynn watches through the window as harry and jane walk up to the same boy from the elevator. he’s trying to balance the remaining trays on top of each other, and by the way harry’s head is tilted back with laughter, she can tell that he’s failing miserably. 

oliver crouches down to jane’s level when harry sets her down to help and holds out his hand for a high five. her sister shyly moves away, hiding behind harry’s legs. she’d never tell dr. agard, but sometimes, when she’s lying in bed waiting for her sleeping meds to kick in, her tired brain likes to imagine what her life would be like with harry. for some reason, every made-up scenario always leads back to white picket fences and sticky handprints on glass doors. saturdays spent at the playground and princess themed birthday parties. puppy kisses and—

“he’s good with her,” kathleen says from behind her. “with amelia, too.”

lynn only hums at her mother’s words. she knows he’s good with them, and every time she thinks about what’s going to happen when everything’s over, a lump starts to form in her throat. 

“i’m sorry i wasn’t there for you the way i should have been, lynn,” she turns around to find kathleen with weepy eyes. “i hate that you were hurting for so long and i had no idea.”

the girl offers her a smile, “no one did, mom. at least not until after. i shouldn’t have kept it from you anyway. i’m sorry, too.”

“you did what you felt was right. don’t ever apologize for that,” the older woman wipes under her eyes with one of the dish rags on the counter. “i just… i want to make sure he’s good to you.”

“he’s the best,” lynn can’t hide the grin on her lips as she says it because it’s true, he is. she can only hope to find someone who’s a fraction of him to love her for real. 

her mother nods, and it falls quiet between the two again. when lynn looks back out the window, silas, ren, harry, and oliver are all following jane in a line with trays in their hands. the two couples nearly mirror each other, oliver and harry looking like a younger version of the other two. the sight is so cute, lynn can’t resist the urge to snap a photo.

kathleen takes the cold food (along with jane) out to the garage refrigerator, and harry takes the time to properly introduce oliver and lynn. the boy was just as sweet as his smile, apologizing profusely for not recognizing her in the hallway the other night (apparently harry talks about her. a lot. sometimes he even brings out pictures). harry’s brows furrow at his words, and before lynn can even make up some lie, ren is wrapping her in their arms, going on about how much they missed her. 

✮✮✮

“that doesn’t bother you?”

“not anymore,” ren shakes their head. “why? does it bother you?”

“no,” harry feels his face warm at the other’s accusation. “why would it?”

the two are sitting on the back porch, each nursing a cherry cider that silas had graciously supplied while they watch their friends act like complete idiots in the yard. after jane complained about abigail thompson making fun of her lack of jump rope skills in her kindergarten gym class, harry asked tommy and niall to buy a jump rope on their way over. the old, ratty one lynn dug up in the garage definitely wasn’t going to cut it.

it started out as nothing more than a little lesson. oliver and niall swung the rope around while harry and lynn took turns teaching the little girl. honestly, there wasn’t really much to teach. lynn sat on the ground, urging her sister to jump when it was time, and harry only stepped in when he heard frustrated huffs fall past lynn’s lips. after successfully getting two hops in a row with harry’s more gentle coaching approach, jane lost interest and wandered away to her group of school friends that just arrived. the plot was lost not long after. 

as soon as silas and ren joined, harry watched as something inside of lynn sparked. she challenged her friends to the old game they used to play on the playground, and then she invited in harry’s friends, too, claiming she needed some younger competition. he doesn’t think he’s ever seen a group of adults become so competitive over a simple game of jump rope.

ren left the group just as things started getting a little too crazy. they muttered something about having bad knees, and harry slid away with them when no one else offered to. 

ren shrugs, a smirk already sitting on their lips when he looks over. “dunno. seems like it does though.” 

harry rolls his eyes, attention turning back to the more pressing matter. silas and lynn slow dancing in the backyard between their turns. the man twirls her around, warm, bubbly laughter spilling from her mouth. her hands are around his neck and his sit on her waist. he can’t help but wonder how it wasn’t bothering ren, because despite what harry just said, it was certainly bothering him. 

“hello?” niall calls. “it’s your turn, lynn. i just got forty six.”

harry doesn’t think he’s ever been more thankful for niall in his entire life. if they weren’t in front of lynn’s entire family, he could’ve kissed him right on the mouth.

the two had met during their freshman year of college, both ending up in the same fraternity. they were acquaintances at most, often showing up to the same events and parties. they chatted here and there, but harry always got the vibe that niall couldn’t stand him. looking back, the distaste was completely warranted. even now harry would’ve found the teenage version of himself to be completely obnoxious.

niall dropped out after their second year, and harry didn’t see him again until he was sitting in front of him during an entry level photography class that he had signed up for. niall recognized him as soon as they all stood up to leave. he was a bit nervous when he gained the other’s attention, but niall simply smiled, introduced him to his friend tommy, and they’ve been hanging out ever since.

“thirty five,” tommy corrects with a sigh. “no one likes a liar, niall.”

he watches as lynn practically tears herself away from silas, blowing him a kiss as she saunters back over to the group. the whole thing has harry realizing that maybe the burn on his skin was from something more than the sun outside.

“their relationship is the reason we broke up the night silas asked me to marry him,” ren randomly admits. their voice is quieter than before, but it has a new serious edge to it. “it’s strictly platonic between them, but he’s protective of her, just like she is of him, and if you want to be with her, it’s something you just have to learn to live with.”

“oh, we’re not—“

“i know,” ren says. “but i can see how you look at them. from the outside, they’re concerningly close to one another. it’s why i asked silas to move to north carolina. i thought it would keep him out of her bed when she called in the middle of the night or stop him from spending hours in that bakery every sunday, but it only had him spending hundreds on plane tickets every month.”

“so, what made you suddenly be okay with it?”

“i met someone who i thought would love me in all the ways silas didn’t, and then i realized that a few nights away and a couple hours on sundays were a fair trade for the way he did love me,” ren takes a sip from their can before clearing their throat. “they both went through some things where they only had each other to get through it. they’re not my stories to share, but once you know, the way they are with each other makes perfect sense.”

before harry can reply, ren’s eyes flick up to silas who’s dragging his feet up the steps with heavy stomps and then dropping himself right on the other’s lap. “tired of jump roping already? you’re such an old man.”

“these knees are not what they used to be.”

“you’re telling me,” ren reaches down to rub their palm over their knee, a small hum of discomfort falling past their lips. “twenty years of soccer and they’ve given up on me.”

“you should talk to oliver,” harry says. “the same thing happened to him. lost his scholarship and everything. i think it’s something that still really bothers him.”

ren nods. “yeah, i will. i haven’t been around in a while. he’s your friend or lynn’s?”

“harry’s boyfriend,” silas teases harry, fingers pinching his reddening cheeks before pointing the boy out. “isn’t he pretty? reminds me of you.”

“oh? boyfriend?” ren replies, eyebrows raised. “i wouldn’t have guessed.”

 “yeah, yeah,” harry waves the two off. “whatever.”

silas laughs, falling back against his partner. or ex-turned-friend. harry wasn’t really sure what they were, but when silas peppers kisses to ren’s face, he guesses they’re maybe a little more.

“harry,” lynn grabs his attention, waving him over to where she was sitting alone on the grass. he’s a little embarrassed by how fast he gets up and moves her way and it only worsens when he hears what silas mutters under his breath.

like a moth to a flame.

 “sit with me,” she pulls on his hand when he’s closer, and when he does finally sit on the grass next to lynn, she leans so her head rests on his shoulder. “i love your friends.”

“me too,” he hums. “they’re nice, aren’t they?”

“obviously. i mean, they’re your friends,” her fingers pinch at his elbow. “oliver’s cute, too.”

“yeah?” harry laughs, jerking his arm from underneath her. “you guys and all your pinching. i’m an easy bruiser.”

“sure you are,” lynn leans back into the grass. her hair’s fanned around her, and she’s giving him one of her bright, white smiles. it reminds him of when they first met nearly three months ago. she’d look across the table at him with a huge smile on her face. it never really reached her eyes though. at least not the way it does now. she looks happy, and harry thinks he’d do pretty much anything to keep it that way. “are you having fun?”

“so much fun,” harry murmurs. he lets his hand reach out to smooth her hair away from her face. she’s practically beaming, and the sight of her makes his insides feel all gooey. there’s so many words he could use to describe how she looks in this exact moment, but he thinks radiant fits best. he can’t seem to tear his eyes away from her. “what about you, honey? are you having fun?”

harry expects her to nod with soft pink cheeks and a shy smile on her lips, like admitting she was enjoying herself is the most humiliating thing she could possibly do. she’d probably bury her face in the crook of her arm if he teased her about her growing blush, telling him to knock it off. the more time they spent together, the better harry got at reading her and predicting how she was feeling, so he doesn’t understand how he got this situation entirely wrong.

lynn’s expression steels for a second when the question leaves his mouth. her eyebrows gently draw together as she sits up, and when she looks over at him, harry can see her usual shiny, blue eyes soaked with worry. they look glazed over and a little red like she had been rubbing at them.

“i could taste oliver’s minty chapstick when you kissed me,” the softness of her voice makes harry’s stomach twist. she leans her head on her knees, but she keeps her focus on a patch of flowers growing near their feet. “forgot he was here for a minute if i’m being honest. i’m sorry.”

“ev–”

before he can even get the words out, lynn is pressing her fingertips against his lips, shaking her head like she couldn’t possibly bear hearing him finish. “i feel so guilty, harry. every time we’re together, i can’t stop thinking about what it’s doing to him. he doesn’t deserve this.”

“we’re just friends, evy. there’s nothing–”

“i know we are,” she says, eyes boring into his. “i mean, obviously. as if we’d ever be something real.”

“what’s that supposed to mean?” his head tilts to the side, and he was sure that lynn could see the confusion written all over his face. maybe he lets himself think about it too often, but that night at the beach felt incredibly real. at least, it did to him, and a large part of him hoped that it did to her, too.

“i think it’s crazy that anyone even believes we’re together in the first place,” she says. her hand moves to the side, palm motioning to their group of friends that were scattered around them. “i mean, i bet half of the people in this yard have seen all those girls you go home with.”

out of everything he expected lynn to say, he never thought something like that would come from her mouth. the words ring through his mind like a bell, bouncing against his skull with a deafening echo. and really, he knows that he should be offended or hurt, but the only thing flowing through his mind right now is the idea that she thinks he’s dirty, and every moment they spent close to one another made her feel dirty, too.

her admission wraps around them like a weighted blanket. her big, round eyes are peering over at him expectantly, like she’s waiting for him to say something, but the heaviness of it all is suffocating, trapping anything he wants to say in his throat. 

“you shouldn’t be over here,” lynn finally breaks the silence. she gives him that sad smile that usually finds its way onto her face right before she lets herself fall apart, and part of him wants to pull her into him and press his lips against her skin.

“this isn’t something you should be letting eat at you like this,” harry breathes. “oliver does-”

“harry, please,” and the way she sounds so broken when she says it makes harry want to cry which is so unfair because if anyone should be upset right now, it should be him. why is he feeling bad for simply existing around her?

“okay,” it’s quiet, and it’s all he trusts himself to say before getting up and brushing the stuck blades of grass off of his jeans and wandering over to his friends.

harry decides on spending the rest of the night away from lynn which doesn’t end up being too hard because she disappears inside soon after and never returns. if anyone notices her absence, they don’t mention it. instead, both of their friend groups join together to drink and swap stories. it’s nice, harry thinks, to be surrounded by a group of so many different people and feel accepted by every single one of them.

when the sun sets, the group moves to sit around a fire built by peter, and only a few minutes pass when jane suddenly appears at harry’s side with a bag of marshmallows and big puppy dog eyes staring back at him. he reveals that her own friends had just left, and niall and tommy decide they were going to follow behind.

so, he sits at the fire with jane on his knees, in between oliver and silas with ren across from him. it’s so easy being around them, and for a while, harry lets himself forget that it’s all pretend. that once he sees lynn again, they’ll probably decide to end things and he’ll keep pretending that the burning in his chest that coincidentally appears every time he’s around her is nothing more than a little acid reflux. it makes him kind of sad to know that this will probably be the last time he’s sitting in the adams’ backyard with tiny marshmallow fingerprints stuck to the knees of his jeans and aching cheeks from smiling so hard.

it’s something he won’t have to face until later though, because when the night ends and oliver’s ready to go, he goes inside to see if kathleen needs help with anything before they do. he expects to find her in the kitchen, but he’s surprised to find her in the living room, watching a movie on the tv. he’s even more surprised when he gets closer, and realizes that she’s sitting with lynn’s head in her lap, fingers running through her hair. 

the older woman jumps a little when harry makes his presence known, laughing lightly when she realizes it’s just him. 

“sorry ms. kathy,” harry whispers. “i just wanted to make sure that you didn’t need help with anything before oliver and i head out.”

she waves him off, “don’t worry about it. it was just a small back to school thing for the girls and their friends. nothing i can’t handle cleaning up myself.”

“are you sure? i really don’t mind.”

“i’m positive,” her voice is firm, but not in the offputting way it used to be. harry thinks she just doesn’t want him to worry about helping. “you already ran some errands for us earlier. thank you for the offer though.”

harry nods and is about to leave when a white light flashes across the tv. the room becomes just bright enough for him to see the tear tracks dried on lynn’s face, and the sight makes his feet freeze in place. how could he have possibly upset lynn enough to feel the need to crawl into kathleen’s lap?

“don’t worry about her,” her mom offers him a warm smile when she sees the worried look that’s probably etched into his face. “just had a bad reaction to something and said she didn’t want to ruin your night. i’m sure she’ll call tomorrow.”

he wonders if kathleen would be just as nice to him if she were to find out that her bad reaction was being near him?

3 SEPTEMBER 2018

“fuck,” lynn slams her hands against the steering wheel, lips curling inwards at the sight of the long line of traffic that didn’t even seem to be budging. she’s exhausted, both physically and mentally, after spending two long hours sitting in dr. agard’s office. there was nothing she wanted more than to be curled up underneath the weight of all of her covers with her curtains drawn, and instead, she was on her way to meet jackie for dinner, the traffic making her forfeit her usual post therapy shower.

today was her scheduled biweekly appointment at the woman’s lower manhattan office (thank god her office still opened on labor day), and yet she still managed to wake up late. the bright light of the fully risen sun poured through her windows, making her head throb with an excruciating headache as she ran to get ready. lynn wasn’t sure how, but she made it to the parking garage with five minutes to spare. she was running on four extra strength ibuprofen tablets, a pair of sunglasses she stole from amelia, and a dream.

the pair had quite a lot to go over during their short one hundred and twenty minutes together; however, on the drive over, lynn decided that the first order of business was going to be the text she received from jackie at exactly 11:37pm the night prior.

Can we talk tomorrow?

it was straightforward and to the point, but lynn had a bit of trouble responding to it. she was already working so hard on her relationship with her parents, and she wasn’t entirely sure if she would have the time or energy to mend their broken friendship right now.

(and if she were to be brutally honest, she didn’t know if it was something she even wanted to fix.)

she knew that jackie wanted to talk about harry and what sleeping with him really meant for their friendship. they weren’t really together, and lynn was the one that brought up the idea of labeling it as an open relationship, so was she even allowed to be mad at jackie?

when she asked the woman sitting in front of her, she simply pursed her lips and turned the question around, asking lynn if she thinks she should be mad at jackie.

“i don’t know,” lynn had said. “i don’t know a lot of things. that’s why i’m here, isn’t it?”

“why don’t you tell me what’s really bothering you, evelyn?”

and that was all it took for her to cave and finally spill what’s been eating at her for the last week. 

harry’s radio silence.

lynn really couldn’t blame him for being distant because she was the one who implied that he should be spending time with oliver instead of her; however, she could blame him for the demise of four perfectly good chocolate cupcakes filled with raspberry jam and topped with a mountain of cream cheese frosting. 

lynn had spent a good two hours on sunday making a half dozen of the cupcakes as a congratulations for his new job (that she gave him!), but he never showed up for his paperwork that he said he was stopping by to complete. it wouldn’t have been that big of a deal if he would’ve just called or texted, but he didn’t.

she felt a little sad as she broke the congratulations sticker seal on the box to move two of the cupcakes to their own individual boxes to take to nora and whoever else agreed to work the late sunday shift, and she felt even worse when she heard the remaining four hit the bottom of the trash can with a thud.

honestly, she could’ve kept them to sell in the morning, but lynn wasn’t sure if they’d be well liked because of their tooth-rotting sweetness. it most definitely didn’t have anything to do with the gut-twisting feeling she got whenever she thought of someone else enjoying the sweet treats that were only ever made for harry.

lynn sat in the bakery surrounded by empty coffee cups and granola bar wrappers for nearly twelve hours just waiting for him to show up. at the ten hour mark, she contemplated on calling to make sure he was still coming, but then she opened up instagram to see that oliver posted a story of a beautiful bouquet of flowers with a little sliver of what was unmistakably harry’s hand in the top right hand corner.

it was stupid, and she was stupid for letting herself cry on the way home. at least that’s what she told dr. agard right before she helped lynn really understand why every single one of her doctors told her to stop pretending with harry. while he was buying flowers for his boyfriend (or whatever oliver was to him), she was sitting alone, desperately wishing that it was her instead. 

she felt so embarrassed when she realized just how deep her feelings for him ran. dr. agard passed her a tissue, but lynn felt like an offer of never being perceived by the older woman again would have done the trick. she walked out of that office with her head hanging low, and didn’t pick it up again until she made it to the driver’s door of her car in the parking garage. 

whatever. it’s fine. she’s going to be fine. 

✮✮✮

“it was never about him,” lynn’s finger circles the stem of her glass as she stares at her reflection in the dark red wine sitting in front of her. meeting the other’s eyes felt nearly impossible. “it was the fact that you would do that to me, jackie. i felt so betrayed.”

“i know. i know,” the girl offers her a sympathetic look and a squeeze of her hand. “i’m sorry, lynn. i should’ve never done that. i just assumed it was something you two had discussed.”

the corners of her mouth turn downwards as she tries to mask the grimace that’s growing on her face. she did not want to be here. lynn tried to get out of the meeting by sending jackie a text to let her know that she probably wouldn’t make it to dinner due to how bad traffic was, but then the girl responded with a “Drinks at mine?”, and how was lynn supposed to argue with that.

it feels… weird being in jackie’s apartment. lynn thinks there’s no other way to describe it. the two were so close in high school. lynn found herself at the girl’s house nearly every day. it was like an escape from her own family, and there was nothing lynn loved more than watching outdated rom coms in jackie’s too-small bed.

her apartment practically embodied the feeling lynn used to get when she walked through her bedroom door. the first time she stayed over, she found the familiarity so warm and comforting. jackie was always so kind to her. it’s so hard to understand how they ended up here.

the girl’s sitting at the other end of the couch, legs tucked up underneath her. her hair’s pulled away from her face, slicked back into a neat bun. there’s a natural blush to her cheeks, probably from the sun’s unforgiving rays, and her nose and under her eyes are dotted with soft freckles. jackie was effortlessly beautiful in all the ways lynn wished she could be. no wonder harry was attracted to her.

“why didn’t it cross your mind to run it by me?”

jackie shrugs around a sip of her jack and coke (the first time lynn saw her drinking one was when she was with harry) (not that it matters), “he’s your boyfriend, lynn. shouldn’t you two talk about that kind of stuff?”

“yeah, well,” lynn clears her throat. her fingers grip the stem just a little bit tighter as she realizes what’s about to fall out of her mouth. “i wouldn’t know. we were never really together.”

“what?” jackie’s brows draw together at her confession. she sits up a little straighter, and angles her body to face lynn just a little bit more. “what do you mean?”

“our moms tried to set us up, and we just went along with it. i don’t know, jackie.”

it’s quiet after her confession, and lynn watches as jackie processes it, her emotions evident on her face as the gears turn in her head. 

“so,” the word is so slow falling out of her mouth, you would think that it was made of molasses. “you’re mad at me for sleeping with someone who you weren’t even with? someone who wanted to be with me?”

lynn chokes on her wine at the last part of jackie’s question, staining her shirt with maroon splotches. out of everything she was expecting the other girl to say, that was not one of them. her heart sinks, but she’s not sure if it’s because that is all jackie got out of the conversation, or because she knows if her and harry were speaking, he’d definitely have a little giggle over it.

she knows he would be so polite about it, too. apologetic that she had gotten the wrong impression, but the corners of his mouth would’ve been upturned and his cheeks would be a warm pink. he’d shake his head before widening his eyes and letting out a breath that’d turn into a quiet laugh. he’d look at her from across the room with those soft, green eyes, and…oh, she misses him so much.

lynn uses the back of her hand to wipe away any remnants of wine that were left pooling at the corners of her lips, “i’m upset with you for sleeping with someone that you thought i was with. don’t you get that, jackie? you thought i was with him.”

“but you weren’t,” she frowns. “how can you be so upset with me when he was practically a stranger to you?”

“because you thought i was with him when you did it. you thought that he brought me chocolates when he upset me, and that we spent every weekend at his parents’ dining table. you thought that we spent the night in each other’s beds, and that he kissed me goodnight. you slept with him thinking that he’d come back to me smelling like you. what aren’t you getting about this?”

the younger girl frowns, eyes falling to the space in between them, “i guess i wasn’t really thinking. i’m sorry, lynn.”

“you’ve always been such a wonderful friend to me, jackie. i don’t want to lose that.”

“me, too,” jackie looks at her with big, guilty eyes, and lynn feels her throat start to burn. “i hate that we let a stupid boy in between us, especially one that went after two friends.”

she wants to scream and cry because none of this is harry’s fault. he’s young and stupid and was probably going through a really tough time with his parents and she just…harry didn’t owe her any loyalty, but jackie did, and the way that he was so much more apologetic when he found out that jackie didn’t know makes lynn wonder if their friendship was ever anything real.

“oh my god,” jackie sets her glass on the table. “you like him.”

nothing is confirmed nor denied. instead, lynn looks at her watch before stating that she needs to go and offering to continue this conversation another time. really, she had no intentions of coming back anytime soon.

she’s wanted to cry ever since jackie invited her into the living room. lynn doesn’t think she’s ever felt so hurt by someone in her entire life, and she grew up with the old kathleen as a mother. the older woman was proof that people could change, and perhaps jackie’s just changed for the worse.

still, she hugged her friend goodbye, and shut the door to the apartment with a heavy sigh. she just ached to be home, and something inside of her was starting to realize that home was no longer synonymous with her apartment. it was better described as a feeling. one that she got when she was surrounded by her sisters, or when silas was spending the weekend at her apartment, or in florida, when her and-

“hey blondie," harry’s inside of the elevator when it comes up with a warm smile on his lips. "everything alright?"

“yeah," she forces a smile to match his, hoping the way that she was feeling inside wasn’t showing on her face. god, she was so mad at him, but she doesn’t think she’s ever been happier to see him. "rough day."

"m’sorry, evy,” his lips pull downwards in a frown, and lynn can’t help but wonder if it’s real. does knowing she’s hurting make him hurt, too? because the opposite is true for her. lynn’s chest aches every time he looks over with watery eyes. “were you waiting long for me?"

"i was with jackie," the admission slips from her mouth so easily. like saying it wouldn’t let him know that he was the topic of their conversation. "she wanted to talk."

harry hums as he fumbles with his keys. she’s not really sure how they got here, but they were standing in front of his apartment door. he’s got dark red stained lips that probably match hers and a bag of restaurant leftovers in his hand. she tries to ignore the fact that he probably just came back from dinner with oliver, "how'd it go?"

lynn thinks she’s left with more questions than answers. she appreciates the apology, but if she were to see the girl again, lynn thinks that she could really punch her in the face. maybe it would be because she was hurt. or maybe it would be because she’s filled with ugly, suffocating jealousy every time jackie mentions harry’s name.

that’d be a question for dr. agard.

“if i have to talk about my feelings for another second, i think i’ll explode.”

harry cracks a grin. one of those real, genuine ones that have the dimple popping out near the corner of his mouth. "we can't have that now can we? come on, let's get you some dinner and a sweet treat."

she's standing nearly on top of him as he toes his shoes off once the door’s shut. fuck, she really shouldn’t be here, “that’s okay. you seem busy.”

“nah," he waves her off, locking the front door and leaving her in the foyer as he moves to the kitchen. "never too busy for you. do you want a shower while i cook?"

but you were, lynn wants to say. you were too busy to sign the paperwork for the job i’m giving you. you let me sit there for hours and never texted. never called. and i made you your favorite cupcakes because i know this isn’t a job you’d ever want for yourself. and i just wanted to make sure that you felt welcomed there. that you knew you were wanted.

that i wanted you there.

"your stomach’s practically barking, evy. let me at least feed you.”

“okay,” and when she looks down at her wine stained clothes, “a shower would be great, too.”

lynn sits at the kitchen table with wet hair and a plate of steaming food in front of her. she’s dressed in a pair of her shorts that she found in one of harry’s drawers. they were put next to one of her sweatshirts, too, but she opted for one of his instead. it was larger, and she felt like she was drowning in it when she put it on. it was perfect.

despite how upset she was with him right now, lynn really just wanted to be around him. she’s in his apartment and in his clothes and eating a dinner he made for her, yet he feels so far as he sits on the couch, tapping away on his phone.

there’s no conversation. no small talk. harry occasionally laughs under his breath at something that’s on this screen in front of him, and lynn hates the way that she wishes he was laughing at something she said instead.

“thank you,” she tries. it’s quiet, and she’s not sure if he’s even heard it.

"just leftovers,” his eyes stay glued to his screen. “nothing special.”

“it's special to me," it’s barely a whisper. barely even a breath. there's tears filling her eyes, and she just feels so…much.

you're special to me, she thinks, shoveling a bite of lasagna into her mouth. he had made it once for one of their dinners with his parents, and she wonders if he’s speaking to them again or if he’s made it for someone new. perhaps it was for oliver. maybe he made it for the boy the night that she had picked them up chinese.

the idea makes her not so hungry anymore.

when lynn’s finished, she rinses off her plate and places it in the dishwasher. harry’s still on the couch, and when lynn decides to sit on the other end, she can see him moving even farther away from her in her peripheral vision.

"did i do something, harry?" the words surprise her a bit. normally, lynn was never that forward, but today’s two hours spent with dr. agard made her realize that there’s no point in beating around the bush. all it did was waste time, just like the last twenty years she’s wasted with her mother.

harry stills for a second, eyes looking past his phone before falling onto her. it’s quiet and he’s just staring at her with this look in his eyes that lets her know he’s fighting with himself before he sighs and gives in, "you don't remember what happened at your parents’?"

"of course i do," she says. "i've been racking my brain trying to think of everything i did or said, and i don’t know. i slept a lot that day. we barely saw each other."

“i was hurt when i realized how you felt about me," harry can’t even meet her eyes, and it makes her feel so incredibly guilty. it wasn’t even a month ago when he was pulling her so tight against him like she was the only thing keeping him upright. "i mean, i know everyone has their own opinions when it comes to casual sex, i just... i don't know. i didn't expect it from you."

“what are you talking about?”

"whatever you said about everyone knowing about all of the people i’ve been with," what? "and not that i owe it to you, but i've only-"

"i was high," lynn cuts him off. “i was feeling so stressed and guilty, and i used to get high all the time in college, especially after jaxon. it helped so much, but that day i felt so paranoid and so fucking self conscious after i ate that stupid gummy. i know exactly what conversation you’re talking about. i meant that it was crazy that people thought we were together when they've seen the people you've been with. they're all young and fun and outgoing and so incredibly gorgeous and i'm... im not any of those things. it was a moment of self hatred that i never should've shared with you. i’m sorry, harry.”

his eyes are locked on what she guesses is her knee, and he’s not saying anything. she’s not sure if he’s even listening to her. if he’s even comprehending what she’s trying to say.

"i think so highly of you, you know? and fuck," lynn gasps. when did she start crying? "you're being so incredibly kind to me right now. why didn’t you tell me to fuck right off, harry?”

“lynn,” the use of that name makes her want to cry even harder because harry only seemed to use it when he was upset with her. he reaches for her, but lynn pulls away, standing up to put her shoes back on. “c’mon, stay. talk to me.”

and she wants to. lynn really, really wants to sit on harry’s couch, curled up against his side with trashy reality tv show reruns playing on the tv. he’d pour them each a glass of wine, and as the time passed, he’d make them a snack. she’d probably fall asleep with her mouth open, drool pooling on his tee. he’d wake her up with soft dances of his fingertips against the skin of her arm before offering her a place in his bed or an uber home. of course she’d choose his bed, and lynn would fall back asleep pressed against him.

but she can’t, and she’ll probably never be able to again. if she were being honest with herself, none of it was real to begin with. harry was only ever being kind. plus, he had oliver now, and lynn thinks that any chance at a real friendship has already been ruined by her stupid feelings that keep growing and growing to the point where she feels like they’re suffocating her.

“i really should go,” she says. “i’m sorry.”

and harry doesn’t try to stop her.

4 SEPTEMBER 2018

lynn’s sleeping on her couch when her phone rings for the first time. it was late. the sun had set a long time ago, around the time she had gotten back from harry’s. she showered (again) as soon as she walked inside, and then sat on facetime with silas for what felt like hours. when the boy had to go, she put on modern family for some background noise, and lynn guesses she fell asleep around the fourth episode.

the room has a dim glow supplied by the ‘Still Watching?’ screen when she silences the call, deciding that she’ll call whoever it was back in the morning. honestly, it was probably silas wanting to discuss his date with ren, and that would be easier to stomach when she’s had a breakfast pastry and a soy latte. 

her phone rings again, and she silences it again. it’s quiet for a moment, and she rubs her eyes enough to see the time on her phone through the sleepiness that clouded them. 

2:47

and underneath it:

harry

missed call

harry

missed call

harry

missed call

lynn frowns, immediately regretting ignoring his calls. he probably really needed something if he was calling her so late, especially with how she left things earlier. before she can call him back, her phone lights up with another incoming call from him.

"harry? are you alright?”

“hi honey," his voice is like syrup when it comes through the speaker, thick and sweet, and lynn guesses that he’s had a drink or two. "i'm fine. i'm outside if you want to let me in.”

"outside of my apartment?"

"i’m sorry it’s late. i would’ve knocked, but i didn't want to scare you," he says. there’s a quiet knock at her door. “hear that? s’me.”

“hold on,” she kicks her blanket off of her. “i’ll be there in a second.”

lynn moves to the kitchen, using dish soap and a paper towel to scrub any remnants of runny mascara off of her cheeks. she ties her hair into a ponytail using her reflection in the refrigerator, and then tosses the crumpled up tissues that were sitting in her pocket from an earlier cry sesh into the trash can before finally moving to the door.

"hey," her voice is scratchy, still a bit of sleep lingering in her throat. "fun night?”

“no,” his eyes are glassy, but not enough to make her think that he’s anywhere near drunk. “how could i have a fun night after the way you left?”

"do you want an apology for killing what was supposed to be a good night with your friends?" she's leaning on the door frame, arms crossed in front of her. "is that why you’re here?"

"what? no, of course not," his face pulls together, but his eyes are soft. "i came here because i owe you an apology. can i come in? please, i miss you, ev.”

lynn purses her lips to stop her growing smile from showing on her face. he was just so cute. how could she say no?

"i’ll let you in if you stop acting like a kicked puppy,” she watches as his hand comes up to his chest, faking offense at her words. he replies with a “am not”, or at least she thinks he does. she can’t really make it out as she’s already moving towards her kitchen to make them each a cup of tea.

she finishes her mug with a splash of cream and his with a spoonful of lavender honey she had picked up at the farmers’s market. when the two spent an afternoon in nora’s coffee shop, he had ordered a lavender latte and an earl gray with lavender syrup, so she knew she had to buy it for him when she passed it sitting on one of the vendor’s tables.

harry takes the mug from her as she sits next to him on one of the couch cushions. he’s already turned off the tv and turned on a lamp for some better lighting. the blanket’s tossed over their legs, and she leans back against the arm of the couch, getting comfortable for what she knew was going to be an uncomfortable conversation.

“why didn't you come?" lynn speaks first, and harry tilts his head to the side. confusion written all over his face at her words. "to the bakery for your onboarding paperwork? i waited all day and you didn't show."

"oh my god,” the boy in front of her seemed to freeze, mug stopping mid-way to his lips. “it totally slipped my mind. why didn't you text me?"

"you were with oliver, and i thought it was intentional." lynn takes a breath, unsure if it’s the tiredness or the glass of wine she had before bed that made her want to be so honest. "i guess i didn't want to know if it was intentional because that would've hurt my feelings more than they already were."

"oh honey," harry murmurs. his thumb brushes over her knee as he cranes his neck to look at her eyes. "i'm sorry. i wish you would've called, but i honestly forgot. i’m such a fucking idiot.”

“it just hurt because i felt like you didn’t want to see me,” she says, lip quivering with her own confession. “which is stupid because i was the one who said we shouldn’t hang out as much.”

“honestly, evy, i didn’t want to see you,” oh, she was so going to cry. “but not because of what you said, or how it made me feel. i was scared that you thought i was dirty, and maybe like…i don’t know. being around me made you feel dirty, too.”

“harry,” her voice is airy, like what he said knocked the wind out of her. “you’ve never made me feel like that.”

“yeah?” he says it like he doesn’t quite believe her, and lynn’s heart aches at the fact that he still invited her into his home even though being around her probably made him violently uncomfortable.

“of course not,” her hand finds his on top of her knee, squeezing once, and he looks at her with one of those soft close-lipped smiles that she adores on his lips.

“i’m not doing that kind of stuff anymore,” his throat clears as his cheeks start to glow pink. “sleeping around or whatever. in case it matters.”

“well, i would hope not,” a faint laugh escapes as she brings her mug to her lips. “you’re seeing oliver, now.”

she tips the drink back, feeling the warm liquid trickle down her throat, and it’s in this moment that lynn realizes harry doesn’t remember the night she walked in on him and one of the many girls from the bar.

she had kicked the girl out before dressing harry in a pair of boxers and a t-shirt that she had found on the floor, and then lynn laid with him in those sheets for what felt like hours. not once did the fact that he had just fucked another girl in between them make her feel dirty. harry was crying so hard, and lynn wasn’t sure if he was even breathing at some points. tending to that was far more important than a sheet change. 

eventually, he threw up all over the both of them (even that didn’t gross lynn out). she simply showered and changed his sheets before waiting for him in his bed. looking back, she probably should’ve found the situation at least a little icky. honestly, she barely knew him at that point, but she thinks she’d do it a hundred times over if it meant he wasn’t left to put the pieces of himself back together all on his own.

the idea of reminding him of the night dances around in her head, not for too long though. because now-lynn knew harry, and hearing what happened would just make him feel guilty. even if she was only trying to convey just how crazy the idea of thinking he was dirty was. 

she wipes the corner of her mouth with the fabric of her shirt that’s sat on her shoulder. it’s probably a little unflattering, and she bets harry’s going to say something about the box of tissues sitting mere feet from her. 

just get a fucking napkin. 

she can practically envision the words leaving his lips. instead, he reaches out to wipe her lips with the sleeve of the hoodie he’s wearing. her hoodie, and then, “oliver and i aren’t together. his boyfriend dropped me off, actually.” 

“oh, i’m sorry,” lynn apologizes, but harry’s quick to shake his head.

“don’t be,” he looks awfully happy for someone who just lost the boy he’s been yearning for for years. “it’s what i was trying to tell you at your parents’ house. we’re just friends, oliver and i.”

“oh,” she feels so stupid as the word leaves her mouth, but she’s not really sure what else she can say. if he weren’t sitting in front of her, lynn thinks she’d be on her hands and knees thanking whatever god made that happen. she’d promise all of her sunday mornings for the rest of her life if it meant that his relationship with oliver were to stay just that. friends.

“i hate that you were feeling that way,” he says. “i always think you’re the prettiest girl in the room, evelyn. y’practically light up every space you walk into.”

her cheeks burn, the warmth traveling from her neck all the way to the tips of her ears. lynn keeps her eyes focused on their hands that are sat on top of each other in her lap, too embarrassed to look up and meet the other’s eyes. 

her teeth dig into her bottom lip as she miserably fails to suppress the grin that’s spreading on her face. harry catches it though, and pinches at her reddening cheeks with a laugh. 

“oooh,” harry sings like he’s a middle school aged boy. “someone’s blushing.”

“would you knock it off?” lynn pushes his hand away, laughter overflowing from both of their mouths. it’s the kind that pinches her side and makes her cheeks ache. the kind that she used to envy.

and it’s definitely stupid for her brain to compare this moment to jaxson, but it does anyway. not once did one of their arguments or fights ever end up like this. 

not that it mattered, though. because the more sane part of lynn knew that harry was best compared to silas. 

the two were so much alike, especially when it came to their friendships and how they treated her. she felt like she mattered to them. like they really did care about her, and lynn knew that feeling wasn’t something that she made up in her head. it was evident in the way harry’s sitting in front of her right now. 

when the laughter dies, harry’s looking at her like he knows exactly what’s going on in her head. his free hand reaches for her shoulder while hers are wrapped around the mug in her lap. his fingers squeeze once and then he runs the back of his hand all the way up the side of her throat to her face. his knuckles drag painstakingly slow across her skin, like he’s trying to memorize every curve and every line. 

and he’s just… looking. lynn’s not really sure if he’s blinking with how intensely his eyes are boring into hers. it feels so soft and intimate. honestly, she’s never felt anything like it before. maybe it was what love is supposed to feel like, or maybe it was just the lack of sleep. 

lynn tilts her face, letting the weight of her head rest against harry’s palm. his thumb brushes against the highest point of her cheek, and she thinks that she’d rather have this for a little bit longer, even if it meant she’d get nothing out of it besides a broken heart. 

they’d only ever be friends, and lynn was okay with that. she’d take whatever he’d offer her now, before they got to the yearly dinner stage. they’d sit across from one another to chat and catch up. harry would insist on picking up the bill, and then he’d go home to his partner and kids while lynn spent the night wondering what they could’ve been.

or maybe she’d find someone else, too. a little optimism couldn’t hurt.

“do you want to stay the night?” lynn sits up a little straighter, pretending like whatever just happened between the two didn’t have her melting into a puddle. “i’ve missed you, too, y’know?”

harry nods, a small grin taking over his features, “can i grab a shower?”

“as if i’d ever let you into my bed with your outside clothes on. you know better than that, harry styles.”

harry only laughs, and takes their empty mugs to the sink. he places them in the dishwasher, and lynn watches from the couch as he digs through her drawers looking for a change of clothes before helping himself to her stack of freshly washed towels in the closet. 

it feels like she’s betraying herself by letting him get so close. after jaxson, lynn swore she would never let anyone have the chance to get so close to her again, but here harry was, knowing exactly what each drawer in her dresser held and where she kept her bath towels.

there’s a toothbrush labeled ‘HARRY’ that sits in a jar on her bathroom counter. there’s box of sleepy time camomile tea that is only ever touched when he’s in her kitchen. his preferred shampoo sits next to hers on a shelf in her shower, and his side of the bed now has its own phone charger.  

perhaps lynn should feel worried, but when she hears the shower start, all she can feel is content. she was going to be okay, even if they were only ever meant to be friends.

✮✮✮

harry wakes up to the sound of lynn humming in her kitchen. it's quiet and soft, and she skips over melodies here and there. like it's something she's doing absentmindedly as she tiptoes around the small space.

her hair's pulled up off of her neck just like it was the first day that they met, and she's wearing the glasses that he hasn't seen since they were in florida. he wonders if the reason behind their disappearance had anything to do with the comment he made comparing her to a soccer mom.

it was such a stupid thing to do. he had said it after one too many mick jagger cosplay jokes influenced his decision to chop off all of his hair, and it’s honestly probably the second biggest regret of his life, only falling behind the way he treated oliver when they were kids.

when lynn had said whatever she did about not being someone harry would ever be into yesterday, he was caught off guard. lynn’s incredibly gorgeous inside and out, and harry doesn’t think he’s ever met someone as kind as she is. he thought his massive crush on her was painfully obvious.

(especially after oliver picked up on it not even thirty minutes into what was supposed to be their first date.)

“you’re awake,” lynn’s looking at him with a smile tugging at the corner of her lips. “i made breakfast. it’s just oatmeal. i haven’t been to the grocery store in a minute.”

honestly, harry hates oatmeal, but that doesn’t stop him from sitting with lynn in her breakfast nook and eating every single bite, including the second helping that she so graciously offered him. it wasn’t enjoyable by any means, but he thinks he’d do it ten times over just because it was something she made for him. 

the two decide on going to the bakery so harry can fill out the paperwork for his new job. the relief that came with the money he got from his paintings was something he wasn’t really expecting, but it felt incredible to not have to be financially reliant on his parents for once. he’d be forever grateful that even lynn offered him the position, and even more so because she held it for him even though she thought harry was blowing her off. 

when they walk in, harry’s greeted with the sweet smell of vanilla and cinnamon. the same scent that lynn often comes home smelling like on sundays, and completely unrelated, the same scent of wax melts harry ordered off of amazon when he noticed lynn wasn’t coming around anymore.

it was borderline creepy, but he missed her.

there’s a few unfamiliar faces standing behind the counter, tending to the very long line of people patiently waiting to be served. they all smile brightly when they see lynn coming in, pausing what they’re doing to greet her.

the small bakery that harry’s only ever seen when it was closed is nearly packed to the brim, bustling with chaos as people come and go. nearly every single seat is occupied, and he notices that even more people opt to take their pastries to go.

he knew lynn was successful by the way she’s been so generous with him, but he could’ve never imagined it to be to this extent. 

harry watches in awe as lynn greets different people sitting at the tables. she knows all of them by their names, and they seem absolutely delighted to see her which makes him guess they’ve been regulars for a while. he follows her path all the way to the front of the bakery and behind the counter, standing to the side while lynn goes up to the older woman behind the register to give her a squeeze.

“hi delores,” he hears lynn say. “i’m just stopping in to help complete harry’s paperwork so charlotte doesn’t have to worry about it.”

lynn gestures over to him, and harry waves awkwardly at the woman, “ah, the cute boy you’ve got pictures of back there.”

his cheeks warm with embarrassment as he catches lynn’s eye roll before she says something about staying out of her office. he’s knows one of the pictures she’s talking about. it was from their trip to the beach, and honestly, harry nearly cried when he saw it. she had pictures of her and silas and her and another woman that he’s never met, but this photo was just him. lynn probably put it up to make their relationship more believable, but seeing it made him feel…he’s not really sure how to describe it.

harry sat in that back room forever trying to wipe the stupid grin off of his mouth. god, it was like he couldn’t stop it, so when lynn started asking about oliver, he lied. they were most definitely not seeing one another, but it was easier than having to explain why a photo made him so giddy.

lynn leads him back to the office, gesturing for him to sit in the office chair while she leaned over and pulled something up on the computer. 

“sorry about delores,” she has her eyes fixed on the screen. “her daughter is the manager, and i guess she’s started a little gossip. i can take them down if you’d like.”

his eyes follow her hand as it reaches for a photo that he’s never seen before. it was of him and jane from the night he spent with their friends at her parents house. the little girl was sat on his knees while he roasted a marshmallow for her. she had the kind of happiness on her face that only exists when you’re a child, and the angle of the photo had silas as the number one culprit. 

“i don’t mind,” harry says instead of what he really wants to. he thinks saying i think i am going to die when you decide you’re done with me might be a little too heavy for their current environment.

the girl hums the same song from this morning, and harry recognizes the melody this time, to be alone by hozier. he wonders if she’s always been a listener, or if the night he spent in the bakery influenced her music taste. before he can ask, a white screen on the computer gains his attention, and lynn pushes the mouse towards him.

“fill this out and hit submit whenever you’re done,” she says. “if you need help, i’ll be out there, helping on the register or something.”

harry nods and thanks her before turning to fill in all of the blanks. it was easy. the only part he really had to pay attention to was the taxpayer section, triple checking that he didn’t accidentally select the option that said he had six dependents. 

the paperwork was finished in a little over ten minutes which had him wanting to repeatedly punch himself in the face. the thought of lynn waiting around for him all day when she was only asking him for ten minutes of his time made him feel even worse about the whole situation.

lynn walks in when he’s inserting his fourth event into his new google calendar app that was downloaded after making a mental promise of never disappointing the girl again. she already has her bag on her shoulder and two to-go cups from their coffee shop in her hand when she asks if he’s ready.

harry offers her his sunglasses when she complains of a lingering headache on the walk back to her car and she accepts, pushing them onto her face. once they’re inside, lynn pulls out a small white box, congratulations written on the top.

“to celebrate your new job,” she says, handing it over to him. it’s one of the cupcakes he loves. with the cream cheese icing and raspberry filling. if he could eat them for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, he would.

“evy,” his throat feels scratchy. “i didn’t do anything. you gave me the job.”

she shrugs, putting the car in reverse, “i wouldn’t have offered it if i didn’t think it was something you deserved.”

harry can’t find it in himself to respond. in high school, he was awarded solos in chorus, he got the lead in a few plays, and he even made the winning play for his football team. not once did his parents congratulate him. there were no celebratory dinners, or even a “proud of you”. there was nothing. 

and now, the girl he practically worshiped was making him his favorite cupcake to congratulate him for getting a job that he didn’t even work for.

“you’re doing an awful lot of thinking right now, harry. it’s freaking me out,” lynn tries again. “life’s too short to not want to celebrate the small things. eat your cupcake.”

“thank you, evy,” harry says. there’s force behind it. like his words aren’t just being said because they’re supposed to be when someone does something for you. “all of this means so much to me. i feel like i can’t find the words to say what i’m feeling.”

her hand reaches for his, squeezing once. she doesn’t say anything and harry realizes that maybe words aren’t needed at all.

kathleen calls when they’re in her complex’s apartment. jane was sick and needed to be picked up from school, and both her and peter were far out at work.

“i’ve got her,” harry says. “you don’t feel well, and you’ve done so much for me. rest, and i’ll do this.”

lynn hesitates for a minute, but eventually agrees, telling kathy to leave harry’s name with the receptionist. she thanks him with a kiss on his cheek and the keys to her car which jane’s carseat in the back.

maybe all of this meant their relationship was turned out to be more than the fake one they both had agreed to. of course they were friends, but harry had always thought that they were friends out of convenience. the two had to spend a lot of time together, so it’d make sense if they hung out as friends, too. 

but, maybe being there at each others’ worst and helping one another out in such big ways meant that they were destined to be friends way after their arrangement ends. a small part of him hoped that would be true, and the larger part of him hoped that they’d end up being even more.

✮✮✮

lynn would be lying if she said she wasn’t at least a little sad that she never got this version of her mother, but as long as her sisters did, she could never complain. plus, all of her meetings with dr. agard made lynn come to the realization that their relationship is a two way street. if she ever wanted it to get better, she’d have to put in an effort, too.

however, her effort isn’t the same. of course lynn answers the quick phone calls and attends the new family dinners, but what she really needs to work on is forgiving peter and getting rid of the resentment she holds for her mother that came when the woman took him back. she always thought her father’s absence never bothered her, but it did and she hated the fact that he was able to waltz into her life like it was just another tuesday. like the decade he spent pretending she didn’t exist meant absolutely nothing at all.

after this week’s wednesday family dinner, the two women sat on the back porch until the early hours of morning, each consuming enough red wine to probably fill a kiddie pool. lynn didn’t really mean to stay up that late nor did she mean to drink that much, but once her mother started to cry into her glass with long apologies about how she’s treated her, she decided that a few extra glasses wouldn’t hurt. 

the dinner took place after a three hour long impromptu session with dr. agard. harry had made a comment about her crows feet and smile lines earlier in the week, and it kind of sent her whole world tumbling.

really, lynn had mentioned them first. she caught her reflection in the door of harry’s freshly scrubbed microwave (courtesy of her), and thumbed at the obvious indentations permanently etched into her skin before mumbling something under her breath about needing to invest in botox.

“don’t,” harry had replied with his face buried deep in his refrigerator, a soapy rag in hand. “means you’ve been happy.”

and then he turned around and started talking about finally finding that lime he had been missing all week. lynn wasn’t really paying attention after he had her facing a gut-wrenching reality literally seconds prior, but apparently the finding called for tequila shots, and she wasn’t going to be one to disagree.

lynn spent so much time being miserable and hating her family life, but she never really stopped to think about the good parts of it. sure, she hated the fact that her dad came back, but without him, she wouldn’t have her little sisters that she loves so so so much.  

the chocolate bars she buys for jane after every recital were the exact same ones that kathleen used to leave out on the counter for her when she had a chorus concert, and sometimes when she wakes up in her bed surrounded by jane and amelia, a piece of her is transported back to being four years old, tucked under kathleen’s arm with a vcr tape of casper playing on the television.

her mom would take her out at least once a month and buy her whatever she needed. whatever she wanted, really. they’d go on expensive vacations every year, and when younger lynn came home crying because she loved the beach so much, kathleen bought the condo they stayed in. it wasn’t even for sale.

so after talking with dr. agard until her throat felt raw, lynn realized that her mom spent her entire life trying to give her the financial security that she didn’t have when she was growing up. her parents didn’t come into money until later in life (after all of their kids were grown), and lynn was left with every cent of it anyways.

so, after a few glasses of wine, lynn told her mother that all she wanted growing up was for her to just be present, and kathleen has been trying to fix that ever since. 

she hosts weekly family dinners and invites lynn to morning coffee. she drops jane off at school instead of making her take the bus and spends hours after work in an abandoned shopping mall’s parking lot teaching amelia how to drive. she helps the girls get ready in the mornings and she’s there tucking them into bed every night, and even if it’s too late for lynn and maybe amelia, at least jane gets all of her.

it was such an odd situation to be in. she sometimes finds herself feeling jealous of jane as she’s getting a children’s book read to her at bedtime. lynn wishes that she could remember those kinds of parts of her childhood. the soft moments with kathleen were rare growing up, but they existed in faint memories and nostalgic feelings and… well, that would just have to be enough.

she felt so many different things every time she dissected her childhood with her therapist. there used to be so much grief and disappointment and anger, but now, she found herself looking back on it in a positive light. little lynn didn’t get all of kathleen, but she did get all of elena and that was something she’ll be eternally grateful for.

her family life wasn’t the only topic of discussion when she met with dr. agard. recently, lynn’s found that she was bringing up harry more and more, especially now that he was seeing oliver.

she thought their night together would be awkward, but harry simply changed into a pair of her shorts and got under the covers. his eyes were closed, and lynn could tell he was sleeping again by his long, deep breaths. she had never seen him so tired.

once lynn climbed into her side, harry rolled over and pulled her into his chest like it was a reflex. his lips pressed against her shoulders a few times, and then she felt his hand sink under the fabric of her old tshirt, his fingers roaming over the bare skin of her stomach. for a split second, part of her wished they would dip down under the waistband of her underwear just like they had a month ago. a bigger, more sane part of her told her to close her eyes, so she did, falling asleep in what felt like seconds.

the next morning, she woke up to his fingers sliding down her arm until they reached the inside of her wrist, thumb gently pressing into her pulse point. it’s something she’s only caught him doing once before, but lynn suspects it’s something he does every time they wake up next to one another. a content sigh fell from his lips after a few moments, and then he tried to wake her up with soft shoulder kisses and promises of fruity pancakes covered in sugary, sweet syrup. 

remembering that time had her stupidly standing outside of his apartment with their usual chinese orders a few days later, but just as she turned back to get the forgotten wine bottle in her car, the elevator arrived with a very pretty boy inside. he was smothering his lips in some kind of menthol chapstick that lynn could smell as soon as the doors had opened.

the boy offered her a smile before stepping out, and lynn watched with a heavy chest as he made his way to harry’s front door. he didn't even knock. instead, he used the key on his keyring, and lynn’s stomach twisted at the sight. 

oliver. 

“honey, i’m home,” he sung into the apartment with a laugh.

honey. home. oh, she was going to be sick.

and she was, not even five minutes later. lynn lost whatever was left of her lunch in the communal trashcan right in front of the complex. the guilt scorching her skin like a bad sunburn.

the suffocating feeling found her again a few days later when harry stood in front of the glass door of the bakery. when lynn saw him, he was beaming. the grin on his lips looked like it was making his cheeks ache. he had two to-go cups from the café in one hand, and when lynn unlocked the door for him, his free hand was thrown around her neck to pull her into him. 

“evy,” he sighs into her hair. “i’m so, so happy to see you.”

“hmm, and why’s that?” she pulls away to look at him, and harry offers her a cup with a messy e.a. written on the lid. the handwriting matches the one she often found on post it notes and grocery lists stuck to harry’s refrigerator, and when she looks down at his, she can’t help but notice the way the ‘h.s.’ is written in nora’s neat handwriting. “wait, let me guess. you want another chocolate cupcake.”

“ha ha,” he deadpans. “no, that’s not—actually, if you’re offering i wouldn’t say no.”

“depends. what’s the occasion?”

“my paintings sold,” his cheek caves in like he was biting it to stop his growing smile and something inside of lynn makes her itch to press her lips into the indentation. “someone in raleigh bought them for like… an insane amount.”

“harry,” a matching small smile’s fighting to make its way on her face. “that’s so exciting.”

“i know,” his fingers are holding her elbow, and he takes a step back, eyes raking over her frame like he’s taking her in. she’s only wearing her lousy baking clothes and an apron, but his face becomes unreadable for a moment and she feels incredibly self conscious. “shit. i’m sorry. you’re busy. i shouldn’t have come.”

“why did you?” it’s only meant to be a thought, but it slips out of her mouth, and lynn shamefully watches as he pulls himself away from her. 

“i don’t know. i got the email this morning, and i felt so relieved. it’s going to help so much, and i just… i wanted to share it with you.”

the two of them stand in front of each other so closely. the toes of their shoes are bumping into one another’s. his eyes are a shining green that reminds her of the fresh, spring time grass she and elena used to spend long afternoons sitting on. the woman would hold a notebook on her lap, writing down lynn’s critiques in glitter pen as they ate the cakes and pastries they spent all morning making.

there’s no reason for her brain to be comparing the feeling of being this close to harry to her happiest childhood memories. 

but it does.

“well, why don’t we get you that cupcake, sunshine?” her palms press against this chest. “i’d say you deserve one. maybe even two.”

the two of them spent the rest of the morning locked away in the bakery, before moving over to the cafe for another coffee (or two) which only made one thing incredibly clear to her. this needed to end, just like dr. agard suggested the last several times lynn has been sat on her couch.

it was easy to let herself indulge in harry and whatever he gave her when oliver only existed in her mind, but now he had a face with a sweet smile and kind eyes. everytime lynn thinks about having harry in her bed that night or letting him feed her his unwanted strawberries from his fork at breakfast the next morning, she sees him, too. what they were doing was far more than just friendly, and it was so incredibly wrong.

so, she invited harry and oliver to her family’s cookout, and to create as much space as possible, she told him to invite his new art school friends, too. lynn also invited silas (and an additional text was sent to ren when the boy casually mentioned that they were seeing one another again), all of which accepted her text message invitation. that meant there was absolutely no reason for the two of them to be alone at all today, and lynn planned on keeping it that way.

lynn leaves her head at the sound of amelia and jane arguing their way down the stairs. there’s a stack of chocolate chip pancakes on both sides of her, and when lynn looks up, kathleen is sliding a plate of blueberry ones in front of her. 

it’s simple, but her heart still swells at the gesture as she thanks her mom. blueberry pancakes were her favorite when she was a child (only they were usually made by elena), and lynn can’t help but wonder how her mother even knew that about her. the woman gives her a smile, and lynn thinks that the tiniest (really, the absolute tiniest) piece of her inner child heals with it. 

“don’t thank me,” kathleen’s moving the dirty dishes to the sink. “it’s something i should have been doing from the very start.”

✮✮✮

harry shows up a little earlier than everyone else with the catering peter had asked him to pick up while lynn and kathleen are back in the kitchen. the older woman has been chopping up vegetables for the last hour while lynn arranges them neatly on a tray.

“hi, honey,” harry presses his lips against hers, and she tries not to let the way her stomach churns reflect on her face. she watches as he carefully opens the oven door and slides in the trays he’s carrying to keep them warm, desperately wanting to get her mind off of the fact that harry lips tasted faintly of menthol chapstick.

“thank you for doing that, harry,” her mother says. “i really appreciate it.”

harry waves her off, a boyish grin taking over his face. “it was nothing, really.”

“harry!!!” jane’s shriek cuts through the quietness of the room. the little girl runs up to him, arms stretched out wide for a hug. harry crouches down to pick her up, and she sits on his hip with her arms tightly wrapped around his neck.

“sunflower,” harry coos. “‘ve missed you so much.”

“duh,” jane says with a frown on her lips. “i haven’t seen you since my birthday. you must hate me.”

“hey, don’t say that,” harry’s fingers pinch at her sides causing her to erupt in little giggles as she pushes his hand away. “i’ve been busy with school, just like you.”

“you’re too old for school,” a skeptical pout takes over her sister’s face, and it’s harry’s turn to laugh. he does so with shiny eyes and big dimples, and the sight of the two of them makes lynn swoon. 

“i’ve got a few more things to get from my car,” harry says. “do you want to come, janey? i have a friend you can meet.” 

“i didn’t know you had friends,” the way she says it so seriously makes lynn muffle a laugh with the palm of her hand, and when she looks over, even kathleen has an amused look growing on her face as she watches the pair, too.

“oh whatever,” harry rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling as he walks with her to the front door. “you’re carrying the biggest box all by yourself for saying that.”

“oh man,” she catches jane’s sad sigh, and then they’re gone.

lynn watches through the window as harry and jane walk up to the same boy from the elevator. he’s trying to balance the remaining trays on top of each other, and by the way harry’s head is tilted back with laughter, she can tell that he’s failing miserably. 

oliver crouches down to jane’s level when harry sets her down to help and holds out his hand for a high five. her sister shyly moves away, hiding behind harry’s legs. she’d never tell dr. agard, but sometimes, when she’s lying in bed waiting for her sleeping meds to kick in, her tired brain likes to imagine what her life would be like with harry. for some reason, every made-up scenario always leads back to white picket fences and sticky handprints on glass doors. saturdays spent at the playground and princess themed birthday parties. puppy kisses and—

“he’s good with her,” kathleen says from behind her. “with amelia, too.”

lynn only hums at her mother’s words. she knows he’s good with them, and every time she thinks about what’s going to happen when everything’s over, a lump starts to form in her throat. 

“i’m sorry i wasn’t there for you the way i should have been, lynn,” she turns around to find kathleen with weepy eyes. “i hate that you were hurting for so long and i had no idea.”

the girl offers her a smile, “no one did, mom. at least not until after. i shouldn’t have kept it from you anyway. i’m sorry, too.”

“you did what you felt was right. don’t ever apologize for that,” the older woman wipes under her eyes with one of the dish rags on the counter. “i just… i want to make sure he’s good to you.”

“he’s the best,” lynn can’t hide the grin on her lips as she says it because it’s true, he is. she can only hope to find someone who’s a fraction of him to love her for real. 

her mother nods, and it falls quiet between the two again. when lynn looks back out the window, silas, ren, harry, and oliver are all following jane in a line with trays in their hands. the two couples nearly mirror each other, oliver and harry looking like a younger version of the other two. the sight is so cute, lynn can’t resist the urge to snap a photo.

kathleen takes the cold food (along with jane) out to the garage refrigerator, and harry takes the time to properly introduce oliver and lynn. the boy was just as sweet as his smile, apologizing profusely for not recognizing her in the hallway the other night (apparently harry talks about her. a lot. sometimes he even brings out pictures). harry’s brows furrow at his words, and before lynn can even make up some lie, ren is wrapping her in their arms, going on about how much they missed her. 

✮✮✮

“that doesn’t bother you?”

“not anymore,” ren shakes their head. “why? does it bother you?”

“no,” harry feels his face warm at the other’s accusation. “why would it?”

the two are sitting on the back porch, each nursing a cherry cider that silas had graciously supplied while they watch their friends act like complete idiots in the yard. after jane complained about abigail thompson making fun of her lack of jump rope skills in her kindergarten gym class, harry asked tommy and niall to buy a jump rope on their way over. the old, ratty one lynn dug up in the garage definitely wasn’t going to cut it.

it started out as nothing more than a little lesson. oliver and niall swung the rope around while harry and lynn took turns teaching the little girl. honestly, there wasn’t really much to teach. lynn sat on the ground, urging her sister to jump when it was time, and harry only stepped in when he heard frustrated huffs fall past lynn’s lips. after successfully getting two hops in a row with harry’s more gentle coaching approach, jane lost interest and wandered away to her group of school friends that just arrived. the plot was lost not long after. 

as soon as silas and ren joined, harry watched as something inside of lynn sparked. she challenged her friends to the old game they used to play on the playground, and then she invited in harry’s friends, too, claiming she needed some younger competition. he doesn’t think he’s ever seen a group of adults become so competitive over a simple game of jump rope.

ren left the group just as things started getting a little too crazy. they muttered something about having bad knees, and harry slid away with them when no one else offered to. 

ren shrugs, a smirk already sitting on their lips when he looks over. “dunno. seems like it does though.” 

harry rolls his eyes, attention turning back to the more pressing matter. silas and lynn slow dancing in the backyard between their turns. the man twirls her around, warm, bubbly laughter spilling from her mouth. her hands are around his neck and his sit on her waist. he can’t help but wonder how it wasn’t bothering ren, because despite what harry just said, it was certainly bothering him. 

“hello?” niall calls. “it’s your turn, lynn. i just got forty six.”

harry doesn’t think he’s ever been more thankful for niall in his entire life. if they weren’t in front of lynn’s entire family, he could’ve kissed him right on the mouth.

the two had met during their freshman year of college, both ending up in the same fraternity. they were acquaintances at most, often showing up to the same events and parties. they chatted here and there, but harry always got the vibe that niall couldn’t stand him. looking back, the distaste was completely warranted. even now harry would’ve found the teenage version of himself to be completely obnoxious.

niall dropped out after their second year, and harry didn’t see him again until he was sitting in front of him during an entry level photography class that he had signed up for. niall recognized him as soon as they all stood up to leave. he was a bit nervous when he gained the other’s attention, but niall simply smiled, introduced him to his friend tommy, and they’ve been hanging out ever since.

“thirty five,” tommy corrects with a sigh. “no one likes a liar, niall.”

he watches as lynn practically tears herself away from silas, blowing him a kiss as she saunters back over to the group. the whole thing has harry realizing that maybe the burn on his skin was from something more than the sun outside.

“their relationship is the reason we broke up the night silas asked me to marry him,” ren randomly admits. their voice is quieter than before, but it has a new serious edge to it. “it’s strictly platonic between them, but he’s protective of her, just like she is of him, and if you want to be with her, it’s something you just have to learn to live with.”

“oh, we’re not—“

“i know,” ren says. “but i can see how you look at them. from the outside, they’re concerningly close to one another. it’s why i asked silas to move to north carolina. i thought it would keep him out of her bed when she called in the middle of the night or stop him from spending hours in that bakery every sunday, but it only had him spending hundreds on plane tickets every month.”

“so, what made you suddenly be okay with it?”

“i met someone who i thought would love me in all the ways silas didn’t, and then i realized that a few nights away and a couple hours on sundays were a fair trade for the way he did love me,” ren takes a sip from their can before clearing their throat. “they both went through some things where they only had each other to get through it. they’re not my stories to share, but once you know, the way they are with each other makes perfect sense.”

before harry can reply, ren’s eyes flick up to silas who’s dragging his feet up the steps with heavy stomps and then dropping himself right on the other’s lap. “tired of jump roping already? you’re such an old man.”

“these knees are not what they used to be.”

“you’re telling me,” ren reaches down to rub their palm over their knee, a small hum of discomfort falling past their lips. “twenty years of soccer and they’ve given up on me.”

“you should talk to oliver,” harry says. “the same thing happened to him. lost his scholarship and everything. i think it’s something that still really bothers him.”

ren nods. “yeah, i will. i haven’t been around in a while. he’s your friend or lynn’s?”

“harry’s boyfriend,” silas teases harry, fingers pinching his reddening cheeks before pointing the boy out. “isn’t he pretty? reminds me of you.”

“oh? boyfriend?” ren replies, eyebrows raised. “i wouldn’t have guessed.”

 “yeah, yeah,” harry waves the two off. “whatever.”

silas laughs, falling back against his partner. or ex-turned-friend. harry wasn’t really sure what they were, but when silas peppers kisses to ren’s face, he guesses they’re maybe a little more.

“harry,” lynn grabs his attention, waving him over to where she was sitting alone on the grass. he’s a little embarrassed by how fast he gets up and moves her way and it only worsens when he hears what silas mutters under his breath.

like a moth to a flame.

 “sit with me,” she pulls on his hand when he’s closer, and when he does finally sit on the grass next to lynn, she leans so her head rests on his shoulder. “i love your friends.”

“me too,” he hums. “they’re nice, aren’t they?”

“obviously. i mean, they’re your friends,” her fingers pinch at his elbow. “oliver’s cute, too.”

“yeah?” harry laughs, jerking his arm from underneath her. “you guys and all your pinching. i’m an easy bruiser.”

“sure you are,” lynn leans back into the grass. her hair’s fanned around her, and she’s giving him one of her bright, white smiles. it reminds him of when they first met nearly three months ago. she’d look across the table at him with a huge smile on her face. it never really reached her eyes though. at least not the way it does now. she looks happy, and harry thinks he’d do pretty much anything to keep it that way. “are you having fun?”

“so much fun,” harry murmurs. he lets his hand reach out to smooth her hair away from her face. she’s practically beaming, and the sight of her makes his insides feel all gooey. there’s so many words he could use to describe how she looks in this exact moment, but he thinks radiant fits best. he can’t seem to tear his eyes away from her. “what about you, honey? are you having fun?”

harry expects her to nod with soft pink cheeks and a shy smile on her lips, like admitting she was enjoying herself is the most humiliating thing she could possibly do. she’d probably bury her face in the crook of her arm if he teased her about her growing blush, telling him to knock it off. the more time they spent together, the better harry got at reading her and predicting how she was feeling, so he doesn’t understand how he got this situation entirely wrong.

lynn’s expression steels for a second when the question leaves his mouth. her eyebrows gently draw together as she sits up, and when she looks over at him, harry can see her usual shiny, blue eyes soaked with worry. they look glazed over and a little red like she had been rubbing at them.

“i could taste oliver’s minty chapstick when you kissed me,” the softness of her voice makes harry’s stomach twist. she leans her head on her knees, but she keeps her focus on a patch of flowers growing near their feet. “forgot he was here for a minute if i’m being honest. i’m sorry.”

“ev–”

before he can even get the words out, lynn is pressing her fingertips against his lips, shaking her head like she couldn’t possibly bear hearing him finish. “i feel so guilty, harry. every time we’re together, i can’t stop thinking about what it’s doing to him. he doesn’t deserve this.”

“we’re just friends, evy. there’s nothing–”

“i know we are,” she says, eyes boring into his. “i mean, obviously. as if we’d ever be something real.”

“what’s that supposed to mean?” his head tilts to the side, and he was sure that lynn could see the confusion written all over his face. maybe he lets himself think about it too often, but that night at the beach felt incredibly real. at least, it did to him, and a large part of him hoped that it did to her, too.

“i think it’s crazy that anyone even believes we’re together in the first place,” she says. her hand moves to the side, palm motioning to their group of friends that were scattered around them. “i mean, i bet half of the people in this yard have seen all those girls you go home with.”

out of everything he expected lynn to say, he never thought something like that would come from her mouth. the words ring through his mind like a bell, bouncing against his skull with a deafening echo. and really, he knows that he should be offended or hurt, but the only thing flowing through his mind right now is the idea that she thinks he’s dirty, and every moment they spent close to one another made her feel dirty, too.

her admission wraps around them like a weighted blanket. her big, round eyes are peering over at him expectantly, like she’s waiting for him to say something, but the heaviness of it all is suffocating, trapping anything he wants to say in his throat. 

“you shouldn’t be over here,” lynn finally breaks the silence. she gives him that sad smile that usually finds its way onto her face right before she lets herself fall apart, and part of him wants to pull her into him and press his lips against her skin.

“this isn’t something you should be letting eat at you like this,” harry breathes. “oliver does-”

“harry, please,” and the way she sounds so broken when she says it makes harry want to cry which is so unfair because if anyone should be upset right now, it should be him. why is he feeling bad for simply existing around her?

“okay,” it’s quiet, and it’s all he trusts himself to say before getting up and brushing the stuck blades of grass off of his jeans and wandering over to his friends.

harry decides on spending the rest of the night away from lynn which doesn’t end up being too hard because she disappears inside soon after and never returns. if anyone notices her absence, they don’t mention it. instead, both of their friend groups join together to drink and swap stories. it’s nice, harry thinks, to be surrounded by a group of so many different people and feel accepted by every single one of them.

when the sun sets, the group moves to sit around a fire built by peter, and only a few minutes pass when jane suddenly appears at harry’s side with a bag of marshmallows and big puppy dog eyes staring back at him. he reveals that her own friends had just left, and niall and tommy decide they were going to follow behind.

so, he sits at the fire with jane on his knees, in between oliver and silas with ren across from him. it’s so easy being around them, and for a while, harry lets himself forget that it’s all pretend. that once he sees lynn again, they’ll probably decide to end things and he’ll keep pretending that the burning in his chest that coincidentally appears every time he’s around her is nothing more than a little acid reflux. it makes him kind of sad to know that this will probably be the last time he’s sitting in the adams’ backyard with tiny marshmallow fingerprints stuck to the knees of his jeans and aching cheeks from smiling so hard.

it’s something he won’t have to face until later though, because when the night ends and oliver’s ready to go, he goes inside to see if kathleen needs help with anything before they do. he expects to find her in the kitchen, but he’s surprised to find her in the living room, watching a movie on the tv. he’s even more surprised when he gets closer, and realizes that she’s sitting with lynn’s head in her lap, fingers running through her hair. 

the older woman jumps a little when harry makes his presence known, laughing lightly when she realizes it’s just him. 

“sorry ms. kathy,” harry whispers. “i just wanted to make sure that you didn’t need help with anything before oliver and i head out.”

she waves him off, “don’t worry about it. it was just a small back to school thing for the girls and their friends. nothing i can’t handle cleaning up myself.”

“are you sure? i really don’t mind.”

“i’m positive,” her voice is firm, but not in the offputting way it used to be. harry thinks she just doesn’t want him to worry about helping. “you already ran some errands for us earlier. thank you for the offer though.”

harry nods and is about to leave when a white light flashes across the tv. the room becomes just bright enough for him to see the tear tracks dried on lynn’s face, and the sight makes his feet freeze in place. how could he have possibly upset lynn enough to feel the need to crawl into kathleen’s lap?

“don’t worry about her,” her mom offers him a warm smile when she sees the worried look that’s probably etched into his face. “just had a bad reaction to something and said she didn’t want to ruin your night. i’m sure she’ll call tomorrow.”

he wonders if kathleen would be just as nice to him if she were to find out that her bad reaction was being near him?

3 SEPTEMBER 2018

“fuck,” lynn slams her hands against the steering wheel, lips curling inwards at the sight of the long line of traffic that didn’t even seem to be budging. she’s exhausted, both physically and mentally, after spending two long hours sitting in dr. agard’s office. there was nothing she wanted more than to be curled up underneath the weight of all of her covers with her curtains drawn, and instead, she was on her way to meet jackie for dinner, the traffic making her forfeit her usual post therapy shower.

today was her scheduled biweekly appointment at the woman’s lower manhattan office (thank god her office still opened on labor day), and yet she still managed to wake up late. the bright light of the fully risen sun poured through her windows, making her head throb with an excruciating headache as she ran to get ready. lynn wasn’t sure how, but she made it to the parking garage with five minutes to spare. she was running on four extra strength ibuprofen tablets, a pair of sunglasses she stole from amelia, and a dream.

the pair had quite a lot to go over during their short one hundred and twenty minutes together; however, on the drive over, lynn decided that the first order of business was going to be the text she received from jackie at exactly 11:37pm the night prior.

Can we talk tomorrow?

it was straightforward and to the point, but lynn had a bit of trouble responding to it. she was already working so hard on her relationship with her parents, and she wasn’t entirely sure if she would have the time or energy to mend their broken friendship right now.

(and if she were to be brutally honest, she didn’t know if it was something she even wanted to fix.)

she knew that jackie wanted to talk about harry and what sleeping with him really meant for their friendship. they weren’t really together, and lynn was the one that brought up the idea of labeling it as an open relationship, so was she even allowed to be mad at jackie?

when she asked the woman sitting in front of her, she simply pursed her lips and turned the question around, asking lynn if she thinks she should be mad at jackie.

“i don’t know,” lynn had said. “i don’t know a lot of things. that’s why i’m here, isn’t it?”

“why don’t you tell me what’s really bothering you, evelyn?”

and that was all it took for her to cave and finally spill what’s been eating at her for the last week. 

harry’s radio silence.

lynn really couldn’t blame him for being distant because she was the one who implied that he should be spending time with oliver instead of her; however, she could blame him for the demise of four perfectly good chocolate cupcakes filled with raspberry jam and topped with a mountain of cream cheese frosting. 

lynn had spent a good two hours on sunday making a half dozen of the cupcakes as a congratulations for his new job (that she gave him!), but he never showed up for his paperwork that he said he was stopping by to complete. it wouldn’t have been that big of a deal if he would’ve just called or texted, but he didn’t.

she felt a little sad as she broke the congratulations sticker seal on the box to move two of the cupcakes to their own individual boxes to take to nora and whoever else agreed to work the late sunday shift, and she felt even worse when she heard the remaining four hit the bottom of the trash can with a thud.

honestly, she could’ve kept them to sell in the morning, but lynn wasn’t sure if they’d be well liked because of their tooth-rotting sweetness. it most definitely didn’t have anything to do with the gut-twisting feeling she got whenever she thought of someone else enjoying the sweet treats that were only ever made for harry.

lynn sat in the bakery surrounded by empty coffee cups and granola bar wrappers for nearly twelve hours just waiting for him to show up. at the ten hour mark, she contemplated on calling to make sure he was still coming, but then she opened up instagram to see that oliver posted a story of a beautiful bouquet of flowers with a little sliver of what was unmistakably harry’s hand in the top right hand corner.

it was stupid, and she was stupid for letting herself cry on the way home. at least that’s what she told dr. agard right before she helped lynn really understand why every single one of her doctors told her to stop pretending with harry. while he was buying flowers for his boyfriend (or whatever oliver was to him), she was sitting alone, desperately wishing that it was her instead. 

she felt so embarrassed when she realized just how deep her feelings for him ran. dr. agard passed her a tissue, but lynn felt like an offer of never being perceived by the older woman again would have done the trick. she walked out of that office with her head hanging low, and didn’t pick it up again until she made it to the driver’s door of her car in the parking garage. 

whatever. it’s fine. she’s going to be fine. 

✮✮✮

“it was never about him,” lynn’s finger circles the stem of her glass as she stares at her reflection in the dark red wine sitting in front of her. meeting the other’s eyes felt nearly impossible. “it was the fact that you would do that to me, jackie. i felt so betrayed.”

“i know. i know,” the girl offers her a sympathetic look and a squeeze of her hand. “i’m sorry, lynn. i should’ve never done that. i just assumed it was something you two had discussed.”

the corners of her mouth turn downwards as she tries to mask the grimace that’s growing on her face. she did not want to be here. lynn tried to get out of the meeting by sending jackie a text to let her know that she probably wouldn’t make it to dinner due to how bad traffic was, but then the girl responded with a “Drinks at mine?”, and how was lynn supposed to argue with that.

it feels… weird being in jackie’s apartment. lynn thinks there’s no other way to describe it. the two were so close in high school. lynn found herself at the girl’s house nearly every day. it was like an escape from her own family, and there was nothing lynn loved more than watching outdated rom coms in jackie’s too-small bed.

her apartment practically embodied the feeling lynn used to get when she walked through her bedroom door. the first time she stayed over, she found the familiarity so warm and comforting. jackie was always so kind to her. it’s so hard to understand how they ended up here.

the girl’s sitting at the other end of the couch, legs tucked up underneath her. her hair’s pulled away from her face, slicked back into a neat bun. there’s a natural blush to her cheeks, probably from the sun’s unforgiving rays, and her nose and under her eyes are dotted with soft freckles. jackie was effortlessly beautiful in all the ways lynn wished she could be. no wonder harry was attracted to her.

“why didn’t it cross your mind to run it by me?”

jackie shrugs around a sip of her jack and coke (the first time lynn saw her drinking one was when she was with harry) (not that it matters), “he’s your boyfriend, lynn. shouldn’t you two talk about that kind of stuff?”

“yeah, well,” lynn clears her throat. her fingers grip the stem just a little bit tighter as she realizes what’s about to fall out of her mouth. “i wouldn’t know. we were never really together.”

“what?” jackie’s brows draw together at her confession. she sits up a little straighter, and angles her body to face lynn just a little bit more. “what do you mean?”

“our moms tried to set us up, and we just went along with it. i don’t know, jackie.”

it’s quiet after her confession, and lynn watches as jackie processes it, her emotions evident on her face as the gears turn in her head. 

“so,” the word is so slow falling out of her mouth, you would think that it was made of molasses. “you’re mad at me for sleeping with someone who you weren’t even with? someone who wanted to be with me?”

lynn chokes on her wine at the last part of jackie’s question, staining her shirt with maroon splotches. out of everything she was expecting the other girl to say, that was not one of them. her heart sinks, but she’s not sure if it’s because that is all jackie got out of the conversation, or because she knows if her and harry were speaking, he’d definitely have a little giggle over it.

she knows he would be so polite about it, too. apologetic that she had gotten the wrong impression, but the corners of his mouth would’ve been upturned and his cheeks would be a warm pink. he’d shake his head before widening his eyes and letting out a breath that’d turn into a quiet laugh. he’d look at her from across the room with those soft, green eyes, and…oh, she misses him so much.

lynn uses the back of her hand to wipe away any remnants of wine that were left pooling at the corners of her lips, “i’m upset with you for sleeping with someone that you thought i was with. don’t you get that, jackie? you thought i was with him.”

“but you weren’t,” she frowns. “how can you be so upset with me when he was practically a stranger to you?”

“because you thought i was with him when you did it. you thought that he brought me chocolates when he upset me, and that we spent every weekend at his parents’ dining table. you thought that we spent the night in each other’s beds, and that he kissed me goodnight. you slept with him thinking that he’d come back to me smelling like you. what aren’t you getting about this?”

the younger girl frowns, eyes falling to the space in between them, “i guess i wasn’t really thinking. i’m sorry, lynn.”

“you’ve always been such a wonderful friend to me, jackie. i don’t want to lose that.”

“me, too,” jackie looks at her with big, guilty eyes, and lynn feels her throat start to burn. “i hate that we let a stupid boy in between us, especially one that went after two friends.”

she wants to scream and cry because none of this is harry’s fault. he’s young and stupid and was probably going through a really tough time with his parents and she just…harry didn’t owe her any loyalty, but jackie did, and the way that he was so much more apologetic when he found out that jackie didn’t know makes lynn wonder if their friendship was ever anything real.

“oh my god,” jackie sets her glass on the table. “you like him.”

nothing is confirmed nor denied. instead, lynn looks at her watch before stating that she needs to go and offering to continue this conversation another time. really, she had no intentions of coming back anytime soon.

she’s wanted to cry ever since jackie invited her into the living room. lynn doesn’t think she’s ever felt so hurt by someone in her entire life, and she grew up with the old kathleen as a mother. the older woman was proof that people could change, and perhaps jackie’s just changed for the worse.

still, she hugged her friend goodbye, and shut the door to the apartment with a heavy sigh. she just ached to be home, and something inside of her was starting to realize that home was no longer synonymous with her apartment. it was better described as a feeling. one that she got when she was surrounded by her sisters, or when silas was spending the weekend at her apartment, or in florida, when her and-

“hey blondie," harry’s inside of the elevator when it comes up with a warm smile on his lips. "everything alright?"

“yeah," she forces a smile to match his, hoping the way that she was feeling inside wasn’t showing on her face. god, she was so mad at him, but she doesn’t think she’s ever been happier to see him. "rough day."

"m’sorry, evy,” his lips pull downwards in a frown, and lynn can’t help but wonder if it’s real. does knowing she’s hurting make him hurt, too? because the opposite is true for her. lynn’s chest aches every time he looks over with watery eyes. “were you waiting long for me?"

"i was with jackie," the admission slips from her mouth so easily. like saying it wouldn’t let him know that he was the topic of their conversation. "she wanted to talk."

harry hums as he fumbles with his keys. she’s not really sure how they got here, but they were standing in front of his apartment door. he’s got dark red stained lips that probably match hers and a bag of restaurant leftovers in his hand. she tries to ignore the fact that he probably just came back from dinner with oliver, "how'd it go?"

lynn thinks she’s left with more questions than answers. she appreciates the apology, but if she were to see the girl again, lynn thinks that she could really punch her in the face. maybe it would be because she was hurt. or maybe it would be because she’s filled with ugly, suffocating jealousy every time jackie mentions harry’s name.

that’d be a question for dr. agard.

“if i have to talk about my feelings for another second, i think i’ll explode.”

harry cracks a grin. one of those real, genuine ones that have the dimple popping out near the corner of his mouth. "we can't have that now can we? come on, let's get you some dinner and a sweet treat."

she's standing nearly on top of him as he toes his shoes off once the door’s shut. fuck, she really shouldn’t be here, “that’s okay. you seem busy.”

“nah," he waves her off, locking the front door and leaving her in the foyer as he moves to the kitchen. "never too busy for you. do you want a shower while i cook?"

but you were, lynn wants to say. you were too busy to sign the paperwork for the job i’m giving you. you let me sit there for hours and never texted. never called. and i made you your favorite cupcakes because i know this isn’t a job you’d ever want for yourself. and i just wanted to make sure that you felt welcomed there. that you knew you were wanted.

that i wanted you there.

"your stomach’s practically barking, evy. let me at least feed you.”

“okay,” and when she looks down at her wine stained clothes, “a shower would be great, too.”

lynn sits at the kitchen table with wet hair and a plate of steaming food in front of her. she’s dressed in a pair of her shorts that she found in one of harry’s drawers. they were put next to one of her sweatshirts, too, but she opted for one of his instead. it was larger, and she felt like she was drowning in it when she put it on. it was perfect.

despite how upset she was with him right now, lynn really just wanted to be around him. she’s in his apartment and in his clothes and eating a dinner he made for her, yet he feels so far as he sits on the couch, tapping away on his phone.

there’s no conversation. no small talk. harry occasionally laughs under his breath at something that’s on this screen in front of him, and lynn hates the way that she wishes he was laughing at something she said instead.

“thank you,” she tries. it’s quiet, and she’s not sure if he’s even heard it.

"just leftovers,” his eyes stay glued to his screen. “nothing special.”

“it's special to me," it’s barely a whisper. barely even a breath. there's tears filling her eyes, and she just feels so…much.

you're special to me, she thinks, shoveling a bite of lasagna into her mouth. he had made it once for one of their dinners with his parents, and she wonders if he’s speaking to them again or if he’s made it for someone new. perhaps it was for oliver. maybe he made it for the boy the night that she had picked them up chinese.

the idea makes her not so hungry anymore.

when lynn’s finished, she rinses off her plate and places it in the dishwasher. harry’s still on the couch, and when lynn decides to sit on the other end, she can see him moving even farther away from her in her peripheral vision.

"did i do something, harry?" the words surprise her a bit. normally, lynn was never that forward, but today’s two hours spent with dr. agard made her realize that there’s no point in beating around the bush. all it did was waste time, just like the last twenty years she’s wasted with her mother.

harry stills for a second, eyes looking past his phone before falling onto her. it’s quiet and he’s just staring at her with this look in his eyes that lets her know he’s fighting with himself before he sighs and gives in, "you don't remember what happened at your parents’?"

"of course i do," she says. "i've been racking my brain trying to think of everything i did or said, and i don’t know. i slept a lot that day. we barely saw each other."

“i was hurt when i realized how you felt about me," harry can’t even meet her eyes, and it makes her feel so incredibly guilty. it wasn’t even a month ago when he was pulling her so tight against him like she was the only thing keeping him upright. "i mean, i know everyone has their own opinions when it comes to casual sex, i just... i don't know. i didn't expect it from you."

“what are you talking about?”

"whatever you said about everyone knowing about all of the people i’ve been with," what? "and not that i owe it to you, but i've only-"

"i was high," lynn cuts him off. “i was feeling so stressed and guilty, and i used to get high all the time in college, especially after jaxon. it helped so much, but that day i felt so paranoid and so fucking self conscious after i ate that stupid gummy. i know exactly what conversation you’re talking about. i meant that it was crazy that people thought we were together when they've seen the people you've been with. they're all young and fun and outgoing and so incredibly gorgeous and i'm... im not any of those things. it was a moment of self hatred that i never should've shared with you. i’m sorry, harry.”

his eyes are locked on what she guesses is her knee, and he’s not saying anything. she’s not sure if he’s even listening to her. if he’s even comprehending what she’s trying to say.

"i think so highly of you, you know? and fuck," lynn gasps. when did she start crying? "you're being so incredibly kind to me right now. why didn’t you tell me to fuck right off, harry?”

“lynn,” the use of that name makes her want to cry even harder because harry only seemed to use it when he was upset with her. he reaches for her, but lynn pulls away, standing up to put her shoes back on. “c’mon, stay. talk to me.”

and she wants to. lynn really, really wants to sit on harry’s couch, curled up against his side with trashy reality tv show reruns playing on the tv. he’d pour them each a glass of wine, and as the time passed, he’d make them a snack. she’d probably fall asleep with her mouth open, drool pooling on his tee. he’d wake her up with soft dances of his fingertips against the skin of her arm before offering her a place in his bed or an uber home. of course she’d choose his bed, and lynn would fall back asleep pressed against him.

but she can’t, and she’ll probably never be able to again. if she were being honest with herself, none of it was real to begin with. harry was only ever being kind. plus, he had oliver now, and lynn thinks that any chance at a real friendship has already been ruined by her stupid feelings that keep growing and growing to the point where she feels like they’re suffocating her.

“i really should go,” she says. “i’m sorry.”

and harry doesn’t try to stop her.

4 SEPTEMBER 2018

lynn’s sleeping on her couch when her phone rings for the first time. it was late. the sun had set a long time ago, around the time she had gotten back from harry’s. she showered (again) as soon as she walked inside, and then sat on facetime with silas for what felt like hours. when the boy had to go, she put on modern family for some background noise, and lynn guesses she fell asleep around the fourth episode.

the room has a dim glow supplied by the ‘Still Watching?’ screen when she silences the call, deciding that she’ll call whoever it was back in the morning. honestly, it was probably silas wanting to discuss his date with ren, and that would be easier to stomach when she’s had a breakfast pastry and a soy latte. 

her phone rings again, and she silences it again. it’s quiet for a moment, and she rubs her eyes enough to see the time on her phone through the sleepiness that clouded them. 

2:47

and underneath it:

harry

missed call

harry

missed call

harry

missed call

lynn frowns, immediately regretting ignoring his calls. he probably really needed something if he was calling her so late, especially with how she left things earlier. before she can call him back, her phone lights up with another incoming call from him.

"harry? are you alright?”

“hi honey," his voice is like syrup when it comes through the speaker, thick and sweet, and lynn guesses that he’s had a drink or two. "i'm fine. i'm outside if you want to let me in.”

"outside of my apartment?"

"i’m sorry it’s late. i would’ve knocked, but i didn't want to scare you," he says. there’s a quiet knock at her door. “hear that? s’me.”

“hold on,” she kicks her blanket off of her. “i’ll be there in a second.”

lynn moves to the kitchen, using dish soap and a paper towel to scrub any remnants of runny mascara off of her cheeks. she ties her hair into a ponytail using her reflection in the refrigerator, and then tosses the crumpled up tissues that were sitting in her pocket from an earlier cry sesh into the trash can before finally moving to the door.

"hey," her voice is scratchy, still a bit of sleep lingering in her throat. "fun night?”

“no,” his eyes are glassy, but not enough to make her think that he’s anywhere near drunk. “how could i have a fun night after the way you left?”

"do you want an apology for killing what was supposed to be a good night with your friends?" she's leaning on the door frame, arms crossed in front of her. "is that why you’re here?"

"what? no, of course not," his face pulls together, but his eyes are soft. "i came here because i owe you an apology. can i come in? please, i miss you, ev.”

lynn purses her lips to stop her growing smile from showing on her face. he was just so cute. how could she say no?

"i’ll let you in if you stop acting like a kicked puppy,” she watches as his hand comes up to his chest, faking offense at her words. he replies with a “am not”, or at least she thinks he does. she can’t really make it out as she’s already moving towards her kitchen to make them each a cup of tea.

she finishes her mug with a splash of cream and his with a spoonful of lavender honey she had picked up at the farmers’s market. when the two spent an afternoon in nora’s coffee shop, he had ordered a lavender latte and an earl gray with lavender syrup, so she knew she had to buy it for him when she passed it sitting on one of the vendor’s tables.

harry takes the mug from her as she sits next to him on one of the couch cushions. he’s already turned off the tv and turned on a lamp for some better lighting. the blanket’s tossed over their legs, and she leans back against the arm of the couch, getting comfortable for what she knew was going to be an uncomfortable conversation.

“why didn't you come?" lynn speaks first, and harry tilts his head to the side. confusion written all over his face at her words. "to the bakery for your onboarding paperwork? i waited all day and you didn't show."

"oh my god,” the boy in front of her seemed to freeze, mug stopping mid-way to his lips. “it totally slipped my mind. why didn't you text me?"

"you were with oliver, and i thought it was intentional." lynn takes a breath, unsure if it’s the tiredness or the glass of wine she had before bed that made her want to be so honest. "i guess i didn't want to know if it was intentional because that would've hurt my feelings more than they already were."

"oh honey," harry murmurs. his thumb brushes over her knee as he cranes his neck to look at her eyes. "i'm sorry. i wish you would've called, but i honestly forgot. i’m such a fucking idiot.”

“it just hurt because i felt like you didn’t want to see me,” she says, lip quivering with her own confession. “which is stupid because i was the one who said we shouldn’t hang out as much.”

“honestly, evy, i didn’t want to see you,” oh, she was so going to cry. “but not because of what you said, or how it made me feel. i was scared that you thought i was dirty, and maybe like…i don’t know. being around me made you feel dirty, too.”

“harry,” her voice is airy, like what he said knocked the wind out of her. “you’ve never made me feel like that.”

“yeah?” he says it like he doesn’t quite believe her, and lynn’s heart aches at the fact that he still invited her into his home even though being around her probably made him violently uncomfortable.

“of course not,” her hand finds his on top of her knee, squeezing once, and he looks at her with one of those soft close-lipped smiles that she adores on his lips.

“i’m not doing that kind of stuff anymore,” his throat clears as his cheeks start to glow pink. “sleeping around or whatever. in case it matters.”

“well, i would hope not,” a faint laugh escapes as she brings her mug to her lips. “you’re seeing oliver, now.”

she tips the drink back, feeling the warm liquid trickle down her throat, and it’s in this moment that lynn realizes harry doesn’t remember the night she walked in on him and one of the many girls from the bar.

she had kicked the girl out before dressing harry in a pair of boxers and a t-shirt that she had found on the floor, and then lynn laid with him in those sheets for what felt like hours. not once did the fact that he had just fucked another girl in between them make her feel dirty. harry was crying so hard, and lynn wasn’t sure if he was even breathing at some points. tending to that was far more important than a sheet change. 

eventually, he threw up all over the both of them (even that didn’t gross lynn out). she simply showered and changed his sheets before waiting for him in his bed. looking back, she probably should’ve found the situation at least a little icky. honestly, she barely knew him at that point, but she thinks she’d do it a hundred times over if it meant he wasn’t left to put the pieces of himself back together all on his own.

the idea of reminding him of the night dances around in her head, not for too long though. because now-lynn knew harry, and hearing what happened would just make him feel guilty. even if she was only trying to convey just how crazy the idea of thinking he was dirty was. 

she wipes the corner of her mouth with the fabric of her shirt that’s sat on her shoulder. it’s probably a little unflattering, and she bets harry’s going to say something about the box of tissues sitting mere feet from her. 

just get a fucking napkin. 

she can practically envision the words leaving his lips. instead, he reaches out to wipe her lips with the sleeve of the hoodie he’s wearing. her hoodie, and then, “oliver and i aren’t together. his boyfriend dropped me off, actually.” 

“oh, i’m sorry,” lynn apologizes, but harry’s quick to shake his head.

“don’t be,” he looks awfully happy for someone who just lost the boy he’s been yearning for for years. “it’s what i was trying to tell you at your parents’ house. we’re just friends, oliver and i.”

“oh,” she feels so stupid as the word leaves her mouth, but she’s not really sure what else she can say. if he weren’t sitting in front of her, lynn thinks she’d be on her hands and knees thanking whatever god made that happen. she’d promise all of her sunday mornings for the rest of her life if it meant that his relationship with oliver were to stay just that. friends.

“i hate that you were feeling that way,” he says. “i always think you’re the prettiest girl in the room, evelyn. y’practically light up every space you walk into.”

her cheeks burn, the warmth traveling from her neck all the way to the tips of her ears. lynn keeps her eyes focused on their hands that are sat on top of each other in her lap, too embarrassed to look up and meet the other’s eyes. 

her teeth dig into her bottom lip as she miserably fails to suppress the grin that’s spreading on her face. harry catches it though, and pinches at her reddening cheeks with a laugh. 

“oooh,” harry sings like he’s a middle school aged boy. “someone’s blushing.”

“would you knock it off?” lynn pushes his hand away, laughter overflowing from both of their mouths. it’s the kind that pinches her side and makes her cheeks ache. the kind that she used to envy.

and it’s definitely stupid for her brain to compare this moment to jaxson, but it does anyway. not once did one of their arguments or fights ever end up like this. 

not that it mattered, though. because the more sane part of lynn knew that harry was best compared to silas. 

the two were so much alike, especially when it came to their friendships and how they treated her. she felt like she mattered to them. like they really did care about her, and lynn knew that feeling wasn’t something that she made up in her head. it was evident in the way harry’s sitting in front of her right now. 

when the laughter dies, harry’s looking at her like he knows exactly what’s going on in her head. his free hand reaches for her shoulder while hers are wrapped around the mug in her lap. his fingers squeeze once and then he runs the back of his hand all the way up the side of her throat to her face. his knuckles drag painstakingly slow across her skin, like he’s trying to memorize every curve and every line. 

and he’s just… looking. lynn’s not really sure if he’s blinking with how intensely his eyes are boring into hers. it feels so soft and intimate. honestly, she’s never felt anything like it before. maybe it was what love is supposed to feel like, or maybe it was just the lack of sleep. 

lynn tilts her face, letting the weight of her head rest against harry’s palm. his thumb brushes against the highest point of her cheek, and she thinks that she’d rather have this for a little bit longer, even if it meant she’d get nothing out of it besides a broken heart. 

they’d only ever be friends, and lynn was okay with that. she’d take whatever he’d offer her now, before they got to the yearly dinner stage. they’d sit across from one another to chat and catch up. harry would insist on picking up the bill, and then he’d go home to his partner and kids while lynn spent the night wondering what they could’ve been.

or maybe she’d find someone else, too. a little optimism couldn’t hurt.

“do you want to stay the night?” lynn sits up a little straighter, pretending like whatever just happened between the two didn’t have her melting into a puddle. “i’ve missed you, too, y’know?”

harry nods, a small grin taking over his features, “can i grab a shower?”

“as if i’d ever let you into my bed with your outside clothes on. you know better than that, harry styles.”

harry only laughs, and takes their empty mugs to the sink. he places them in the dishwasher, and lynn watches from the couch as he digs through her drawers looking for a change of clothes before helping himself to her stack of freshly washed towels in the closet. 

it feels like she’s betraying herself by letting him get so close. after jaxson, lynn swore she would never let anyone have the chance to get so close to her again, but here harry was, knowing exactly what each drawer in her dresser held and where she kept her bath towels.

there’s a toothbrush labeled ‘HARRY’ that sits in a jar on her bathroom counter. there’s box of sleepy time camomile tea that is only ever touched when he’s in her kitchen. his preferred shampoo sits next to hers on a shelf in her shower, and his side of the bed now has its own phone charger.  

perhaps lynn should feel worried, but when she hears the shower start, all she can feel is content. she was going to be okay, even if they were only ever meant to be friends.

✮✮✮

harry wakes up to the sound of lynn humming in her kitchen. it's quiet and soft, and she skips over melodies here and there. like it's something she's doing absentmindedly as she tiptoes around the small space.

her hair's pulled up off of her neck just like it was the first day that they met, and she's wearing the glasses that he hasn't seen since they were in florida. he wonders if the reason behind their disappearance had anything to do with the comment he made comparing her to a soccer mom.

it was such a stupid thing to do. he had said it after one too many mick jagger cosplay jokes influenced his decision to chop off all of his hair, and it’s honestly probably the second biggest regret of his life, only falling behind the way he treated oliver when they were kids.

when lynn had said whatever she did about not being someone harry would ever be into yesterday, he was caught off guard. lynn’s incredibly gorgeous inside and out, and harry doesn’t think he’s ever met someone as kind as she is. he thought his massive crush on her was painfully obvious.

(especially after oliver picked up on it not even thirty minutes into what was supposed to be their first date.)

“you’re awake,” lynn’s looking at him with a smile tugging at the corner of her lips. “i made breakfast. it’s just oatmeal. i haven’t been to the grocery store in a minute.”

honestly, harry hates oatmeal, but that doesn’t stop him from sitting with lynn in her breakfast nook and eating every single bite, including the second helping that she so graciously offered him. it wasn’t enjoyable by any means, but he thinks he’d do it ten times over just because it was something she made for him. 

the two decide on going to the bakery so harry can fill out the paperwork for his new job. the relief that came with the money he got from his paintings was something he wasn’t really expecting, but it felt incredible to not have to be financially reliant on his parents for once. he’d be forever grateful that even lynn offered him the position, and even more so because she held it for him even though she thought harry was blowing her off. 

when they walk in, harry’s greeted with the sweet smell of vanilla and cinnamon. the same scent that lynn often comes home smelling like on sundays, and completely unrelated, the same scent of wax melts harry ordered off of amazon when he noticed lynn wasn’t coming around anymore.

it was borderline creepy, but he missed her.

there’s a few unfamiliar faces standing behind the counter, tending to the very long line of people patiently waiting to be served. they all smile brightly when they see lynn coming in, pausing what they’re doing to greet her.

the small bakery that harry’s only ever seen when it was closed is nearly packed to the brim, bustling with chaos as people come and go. nearly every single seat is occupied, and he notices that even more people opt to take their pastries to go.

he knew lynn was successful by the way she’s been so generous with him, but he could’ve never imagined it to be to this extent. 

harry watches in awe as lynn greets different people sitting at the tables. she knows all of them by their names, and they seem absolutely delighted to see her which makes him guess they’ve been regulars for a while. he follows her path all the way to the front of the bakery and behind the counter, standing to the side while lynn goes up to the older woman behind the register to give her a squeeze.

“hi delores,” he hears lynn say. “i’m just stopping in to help complete harry’s paperwork so charlotte doesn’t have to worry about it.”

lynn gestures over to him, and harry waves awkwardly at the woman, “ah, the cute boy you’ve got pictures of back there.”

his cheeks warm with embarrassment as he catches lynn’s eye roll before she says something about staying out of her office. he’s knows one of the pictures she’s talking about. it was from their trip to the beach, and honestly, harry nearly cried when he saw it. she had pictures of her and silas and her and another woman that he’s never met, but this photo was just him. lynn probably put it up to make their relationship more believable, but seeing it made him feel…he’s not really sure how to describe it.

harry sat in that back room forever trying to wipe the stupid grin off of his mouth. god, it was like he couldn’t stop it, so when lynn started asking about oliver, he lied. they were most definitely not seeing one another, but it was easier than having to explain why a photo made him so giddy.

lynn leads him back to the office, gesturing for him to sit in the office chair while she leaned over and pulled something up on the computer. 

“sorry about delores,” she has her eyes fixed on the screen. “her daughter is the manager, and i guess she’s started a little gossip. i can take them down if you’d like.”

his eyes follow her hand as it reaches for a photo that he’s never seen before. it was of him and jane from the night he spent with their friends at her parents house. the little girl was sat on his knees while he roasted a marshmallow for her. she had the kind of happiness on her face that only exists when you’re a child, and the angle of the photo had silas as the number one culprit. 

“i don’t mind,” harry says instead of what he really wants to. he thinks saying i think i am going to die when you decide you’re done with me might be a little too heavy for their current environment.

the girl hums the same song from this morning, and harry recognizes the melody this time, to be alone by hozier. he wonders if she’s always been a listener, or if the night he spent in the bakery influenced her music taste. before he can ask, a white screen on the computer gains his attention, and lynn pushes the mouse towards him.

“fill this out and hit submit whenever you’re done,” she says. “if you need help, i’ll be out there, helping on the register or something.”

harry nods and thanks her before turning to fill in all of the blanks. it was easy. the only part he really had to pay attention to was the taxpayer section, triple checking that he didn’t accidentally select the option that said he had six dependents. 

the paperwork was finished in a little over ten minutes which had him wanting to repeatedly punch himself in the face. the thought of lynn waiting around for him all day when she was only asking him for ten minutes of his time made him feel even worse about the whole situation.

lynn walks in when he’s inserting his fourth event into his new google calendar app that was downloaded after making a mental promise of never disappointing the girl again. she already has her bag on her shoulder and two to-go cups from their coffee shop in her hand when she asks if he’s ready.

harry offers her his sunglasses when she complains of a lingering headache on the walk back to her car and she accepts, pushing them onto her face. once they’re inside, lynn pulls out a small white box, congratulations written on the top.

“to celebrate your new job,” she says, handing it over to him. it’s one of the cupcakes he loves. with the cream cheese icing and raspberry filling. if he could eat them for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, he would.

“evy,” his throat feels scratchy. “i didn’t do anything. you gave me the job.”

she shrugs, putting the car in reverse, “i wouldn’t have offered it if i didn’t think it was something you deserved.”

harry can’t find it in himself to respond. in high school, he was awarded solos in chorus, he got the lead in a few plays, and he even made the winning play for his football team. not once did his parents congratulate him. there were no celebratory dinners, or even a “proud of you”. there was nothing. 

and now, the girl he practically worshiped was making him his favorite cupcake to congratulate him for getting a job that he didn’t even work for.

“you’re doing an awful lot of thinking right now, harry. it’s freaking me out,” lynn tries again. “life’s too short to not want to celebrate the small things. eat your cupcake.”

“thank you, evy,” harry says. there’s force behind it. like his words aren’t just being said because they’re supposed to be when someone does something for you. “all of this means so much to me. i feel like i can’t find the words to say what i’m feeling.”

her hand reaches for his, squeezing once. she doesn’t say anything and harry realizes that maybe words aren’t needed at all.

kathleen calls when they’re in her complex’s apartment. jane was sick and needed to be picked up from school, and both her and peter were far out at work.

“i’ve got her,” harry says. “you don’t feel well, and you’ve done so much for me. rest, and i’ll do this.”

lynn hesitates for a minute, but eventually agrees, telling kathy to leave harry’s name with the receptionist. she thanks him with a kiss on his cheek and the keys to her car which jane’s carseat in the back.

maybe all of this meant their relationship was turned out to be more than the fake one they both had agreed to. of course they were friends, but harry had always thought that they were friends out of convenience. the two had to spend a lot of time together, so it’d make sense if they hung out as friends, too. 

but, maybe being there at each others’ worst and helping one another out in such big ways meant that they were destined to be friends way after their arrangement ends. a small part of him hoped that would be true, and the larger part of him hoped that they’d end up being even more.

✮✮✮

one.

two.

three.

four.

five.

six.

seven.

one.

two.

three.

four.

five.

six.

to be honest, harry wasn’t really expecting oliver to reply to his message. firstly, because it was sent via facebook messenger and no one under forty uses that (the only exception being to score a killer deal found on marketplace), and secondly, because the message came from harry. when the message sat on delivered for thirty six hours, he felt relieved. it meant he wasn’t going to have to face his wrong doings, and it also meant that he didn’t have to do something he wasn’t sure he was ready to do to begin with.

besides that one moment in the early days of jane’s birthday vacation, harry hadn’t thought about oliver once. instead, his thoughts were filled to the brim with blonde hair and bright blue eyes, sugary sweet lips and warm, freshly tanned skin. he couldn’t help it. lynn was just so… perfect. harry simply couldn’t get enough of her. all the shy smiles sent his way and soft kisses pressed into his skin had him thinking maybe he didn’t miss oliver after all, and the ache in his chest was nothing but a bit of guilt because he didn’t anymore.

harry would never know because the small, heavy feeling was replaced with what was like the weight of a lynn-sized brick as soon as he heard her say that she was still hung up on silas. he’d be lying if he said he didn’t expect it. the look on her face right after everything happened just said it all. the way her smile fell from her lips mid-giggle when she looked at him… it was like she realized just exactly who he was once the post-orgasm fog had faded.

the memory of it makes his chest ache. harry didn’t mean to let it go that far. he would’ve been fine with a few short kisses and an early night, but as soon as she started grinding against him, the ache to please her grew into a pit so big, it should’ve swallowed him whole from the inside out. she could’ve given him her mouth and her throat just like she had offered and nothing would’ve been as satisfying as the feeling of her clenching around his fingers. the heavy whimpers that graced his ears and the hot exhales from her staggered breaths that fanned over the skin of his neck. the way she fell into him and basked in the warmth of his soft praises. she was so perfect, and he was nothing but an idiot to think he deserved her like that. to see her in such beauty. lynn was gorgeous and kind and smart and funny and… and he was just harry.

so, after a heavy cry in the shower and a fake confession, harry texted oliver that night, and thirty seven hours later, he responded. the other boy didn’t say much, only a time and an address. harry was nearly certain that he wasn’t going to show, but when the little bell above the door rings at exactly 10am, he’s proven wrong.

“hi,” harry rushes out as soon as oliver is at his table. “thank you for coming. i got you a lavender latte.”

“i don’t drink milk,” is the first thing oliver says. no hello. no how’ve you been?, and deep down, harry knew he didn’t deserve the fake pleasantries.

“you never have. it’s oat,” and then he’s pushing his untouched latte towards the other boy. “if you don’t like that anymore, mine’s almond. take it. take both, really. i can get you something else, too, if you’d-”

“harry,” oliver’s voice is sharp. a warning almost. “what are you doing here?”

"i wanted to apologize for what i did when we were in high school."

"that's it? that could've been done over text.”

"you deserve so much more than a text message, oliver," and it was true, he did. even if harry would rather be doing anything else, he owed the boy this much.

oliver doesn’t say anything, but he’s staring at harry with a coldness in his eyes that has him on the brink of tears. maybe this is how oliver felt every time he had to pass harry in the hallways. the thought makes a lump form in his throat.

"i'm not here to clear my conscience or get on my hands and knees and beg you to take me back because what i did was horrible, but-"

"did you ever love me or was it just some kind of fucked up joke? something to laugh at in the locker room, i’m sure."

"i loved you so much, oliver. so so so much." if it were any other situation the thickness of his voice might’ve had him cringing in embarrassment. he knew that the way he treated the other was criminal, but harry never thought oliver would assume that every single part of their shared relationship was nothing but a joke for his teammates. "my dad was horrible and i know that your parents would've done anything for me, but-"

"but i wasn't worth it?"

"you were, but i was a stupid kid who wanted his dad’s approval,” harry admits. “i was so angry because why did i have to be born into that kind of family? it was unfair and i was jealous of you and your relationship with your parents and i just... i took it out on you. i'm sorry, oliver."

"okay," oliver dramatically fake yawns like he just finished watching the most boring performance ever put on. "anything else? no begging for my forgiveness? maybe you want to call me a f-”

“no!” harry’s hands slam down on the table, stopping the boy from finishing his sentence. 

oliver only smiles. “not even for old times’ sake, ma jolie?”

harry’s stomach twists at the old nickname. tears he’s been trying so hard to keep in finally spilling over. oliver started using the phrase when they were in their shared French I class. it was before they even started dating, but the two had started spending more alone time together. oliver would wake him up with the words tickling his skin, and harry let it go on for over a month before he finally caved and asked their teacher what it meant. 

my pretty.

"i already figured that we would end the way we did when your dad saw us," oliver sighs. "i just hoped you were better than that."

"god, i was so horrible, ollie. i just…,” harry’s voice falls. his fingers are gripping the edge of the table so hard, his knuckles turning white. “you know i was religious. i couldn't understand why the god i worshiped made me into something that he hated,” big, thick tears are falling from his eyes, and his nose is so snotty, he can feel it running down to his lip. the sight must’ve been crazy to the other patrons in the shop, but harry didn’t care. he’d do it a hundred times over if it meant there was a chance he could prove himself to the boy. harry really did love him.

“i would come home from school and pray on my hands and knees begging him to fix me. i wanted to be worthy of my family's love so badly. if i had met you ten years from then, knowing what i do now, you would've been more than enough. i'm sorry i didn't realize that. i wish i was better to you, oliver. but nothing i do or say now will ever make what i did go away and i'm sorry.”

"i know,” the tone of his voice matches the way his features soften. the cold stare long gone. “i forgive you.”

"you don't-"

"i'll never know what it's like to grow up like that. my roommate is going through the same thing, and i should've never expected you to face that at 17. you were just a kid."

harry doesn't know why he feels the urge to cry again, but his eyes are watering and his throat is burning. he's blinking so fast, but the tears are still pooling, and as soon as oliver sees he's moving from his side of the booth and sliding in next to harry.

he can feel the boy’s lips against his hair and the side of his head, and harry doesn't really know who initiates it, but there’s soft kisses on his lips, and it feels so nostalgic. almost like coming home.

harry presses his face into the boy's neck when they pull apart. his eyes are closed, and he is just so focused on taking oliver in. he smells different. kind of. the cheap body sprays he had purchased as a teenager were no longer there, but harry could still pick out the gain original scent stuck to his shirt.

"i'm so sorry," his words are muffled by the boy’s skin, but the way ollie runs his thumb between his shoulder blades lets him know they’re heard. god, even his touch felt the same.

"i'm glad you texted," oliver says after a moment. “and i’m sorry for being a prick earlier.”

"don’t be," harry pulls away to offer him a smile. “i deserved it.”

"i still think about you, harry,” his knuckles reach to wipe the remnants of tears stuck under harry’s eyes. "i know how everything ended, but like i said, we were kids, and you loved me in a way i don't think i'll ever experience again."

"oliver..."

"im not saying anything will come out of it, but maybe you'd like to get to know each other again?"

"yeah," harry only smiles, trying his best not to explode. "i would like that very much, oliver."

✮✮✮

lynn swallows hard at the sight of the woman sitting in front of her. she looks nearly the same as the last time she saw her years ago, the only difference being the huge, shiny rock on her ring finger and her rather large baby bump. seeing her like this feels weird, lynn thinks. 

of course, she’s happy for the woman, but lynn can’t help but feel a little bit of burning jealousy make its way up from her stomach all the way to her throat. she didn’t want to be married, and she definitely didn’t want to be pregnant, but seeing her like this… it reminded lynn of how the world continues to turn for everyone else while she still feels glued to the same spot. it was like she was in a game of monopoly, only the child who once claimed her as their piece became uninterested halfway through, and now she was forced to watch everyone pass GO a hundred times over while she sat in the tattered, old box, collecting dust.

“lynn,” dr. agard is the first to speak. “it’s nice to see you. it’s been a while.”

“three years, i think,” her voice feels so small as she leans into the plush pillows on the couch. “and evelyn’s okay now. if you want to go back to using that.”

she watches as her doctor writes a quick note, “i see. any reason for the change?”

lynn shakes her head, “not particularly. i just heard it again for the first time recently, and i don’t know. it didn’t make me cry until i threw up.”

“that’s good,” the woman smiles at her warmly, and it’s too much. lynn has to look away.

when she looks at dr. agard, she sees herself. the both of them share the same shade of blonde hair and blue eyes. the only difference being the fact that the doctor either wore hers straight or pulled away from her face in a way that never had a hair out of place. if she were to take her contacts out, lynn thinks that it would be just like looking in a mirror.

she wonders if this is what her life could have been like if anything were to have turned out just a little bit differently. maybe if peter didn’t have an affair with her au pair, she would’ve known what it was like to have two loving parents. perhaps then she wouldn’t have practically cheated on luke with her stupid neighbor. she’d have a college degree and a ring on her finger and a successful job and maybe a kid or two or three or—

when she blinks, dr. agard is looking at her expectantly. 

“i’m sorry,” lynn says. “what did you say?”

“i asked why you decided to come back.”

"i, um," she clears her throat. "well, i met someone."

"that's exciting," the woman smiles at her as her pen glides across the paper. "how long have you two been together?"

"we're not," lynn feels herself slipping away again. her fingers pick the loose thread hanging from the bottom seam on her shirt, and she moves all of her attention down there. she couldn’t look dr. agard in the eye and tell her what she’s done. "we just... i don't know. i like being around him."

"why's that?"

"he's easy to talk to, and i feel like myself when we're together," her teeth chew at the inside of her cheek. "the version of myself that i was before everything."

"lynn," her notepad comes down and she's looking at her with worried eyes. "we've talked about this. you can't put your healing in the hands of other people."

"i know, i know. it's not like that," but wasn't it? she couldn’t sleep through the night unless harry was pressed against her. she’s been home for a week, and she hasn’t been able to close her eyes without a heavy dose of melatonin (nearly twenty milligrams if anyone cares.)  "i want to do all the work because if there's ever a time that he feels the same, i want to give him the best version of myself. i don’t ever want him to feel like i rely on him."

"what do you think is going to happen if that time never comes?"

lynn would spend night after night with her face pressed into the pillow he had used a singular time until his scent went away. she’d probably wear her pretty blue dress like it was a second skin while she laid in bed trying to remember every curve of his body and every line in his skin.

she’d get on her knees, and pray to a god that she doesn’t even believe in. she’d ask him to fix it. to make harry change his mind about her. and when that wouldn’t happen, she’d probably lay on the floor with nothing but her fresh tears warming her body. she’d stay like that for hours. days maybe. and then she’d finally get up, wipe her face, and move on.

“i actually came today to see if you could maybe give me a referral for the place you sent me to last time,” lynn admits. “you know, the wellness center in connecticut.”

“i’d prefer to talk to you a bit first,” she says. “i could give you one maybe in a few sessions, but right now-”

“please,” lynn begs. “please. i feel just like i did last time.”

“how did you feel last time?”

“crazy,” it’s meant to come out as a joke, but her the tone of her voice has a bit of a serious edge to it. “i feel normal, i guess, but at the same time it’s like i’m not in control. i don’t know if it’s because i haven’t been sleeping or if it’s because of him, but i feel… not right.”

“how long have you had trouble sleeping?”

“thirteen. maybe fourteen.”

“two weeks isn’t that-”

“months,” lynn clarifies. “over a year.”

"oh, god. evelyn,” dr. agard can’t even hide the shock in her voice. her mouth is open, and the pen she’s holding makes a thump when it falls against the notebook. “why didn’t you come sooner?”

"because i felt like i could handle it," lynn smiles sheepishly. “and i didn’t realize how bad it had gotten until i met him. please, dr. agard. i wouldn’t be asking if i didn’t feel like i needed it. it helped so much last time.”

"at least you're aware," she says. "i’ll give it to you on one condition. i want you back here weekly."

“deal,” and lynn can’t help the grin that takes over face when dr. agard hands her the signed referral form.

19 AUGUST 2018

lynn parks her car a long four block walk away from the bakery. she usually starts her sunday shifts in the morning, sometimes even as early as seven. there was always an abundance of parking spaces and she loved beating the summer time farmer’s market crowd. 

however, this morning was spent in dr. agard’s manhattan office. after lynn insisted on moving her weekly sessions down there in fear of anyone seeing her, the woman asked to see her for an emergency appointment. apparently, she wanted to figure out just what lynn meant by that.

so, she didn’t want harry to see her walking into the building in the middle of their little downtown area. sue her. lynn didn’t really want anyone to see her if she were being honest. there was a little embarrassment that came with the fact that she had to go away again, and she preferred to keep it to herself. and silas. obviously. she told him everything.

the weeklong stay at connecticut’s finest wellness center was exactly what lynn needed. when she was there, her one on one therapist (her name was penny and she was lynn’s favorite) taught her some helpful techniques when it came to dealing with her crippling insomnia. none of which involved a boy with soft, brown curls and warm lips being in her bed.

penny also reassured lynn that her borderline infatuation with harry was normal. he was the first new person she felt safe around in a while, and she had to learn to separate that from her actual feelings towards him. she had also said that lynn was projecting an idea of the man she wanted him to be onto him. sure, he was kind and sweet, but that was only when he wanted to be. who’s to say that things wouldn’t go right back to how they started between them as soon as they spent some time together outside of sunny florida?

so, she didn’t love him like she had told penny on her first day there, but that didn’t mean she didn’t have a crush on him. of course she did. he’s harry.

lynn stops at her favorite coffee shop that sat a block away from her bakery. when she was understaffed and worked the night shift alone, she would trade the baristas freshly baked cupcakes for large soy milk lattes. honestly, she wasn’t really sure if the coffee was even that good. the staff was lovely and that’s all that mattered.

“lynn,” the teenage girl behind the counter named nora greets her with a smile. “i was starting to think you moved away. soy latte?”

“always, and i was just out of town for a bit,” lynn laughs, digging through her purse for her wallet. “come by after your shift and i’ll send you home with all of my fails.”

nora cheers, tapping away on the computer screen. “just two dollars today. gave you my discount.”

“i’ve got it,” lynn turns around to see harry standing behind her. he’s got two bags of coffee beans in his hand and he steps forward to set them on the counter. “these, too. thank you, nora.”

“harry,” lynn can’t stop the smile from growing on her lips. “hi.”

“hi, honey,” he gives her the close-lipped, soft smile that she absolutely adores. the one where the left side of his mouth curves just a little higher than his right. lynn leans into the warmth crawling up her neck and spreading to her cheeks, just happy that someone has this effect on her again. (she learned to appreciate the little things in connecticut, too.)

“you two know each other?” nora’s voice is quieter, and lynn thinks it’s faintly laced with shock, too.

“s’my girlfriend, nora,” harry mumbles as the machine beeps, signaling for him to take out his card. when he looks up, nora’s looking back at him with her jaw nearly on the ground. “y’alright, sweetheart? you look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“yeah, um,” lynn laughs at how flustered she gets. “when we’re bored, some of us like to ship our regulars, and-”

“ship?” harry interrupts.

“like pairing people together,” lynn lets herself rest against his shoulder. she missed him, and harry obviously wanted nora to think they were together. “romantically.”

“right. i knew that.”

“a lot of us on the morning shift thought that you two would be cute together,” nora’s face turns red at her own confession. “the girls are going to die when i tell them.”

“we are cute together, aren’t we?” his lips are lost in her hair, and lynn tries her best to remember that he’s only doing it because he has to. because they’re in this stupid, fake relationship. (penny, dr. agard, and her group therapist had all called it a bad idea.) but really, they didn’t have to pretend right now. not in front of nora. maybe harry was doing it because he simply wanted to.

the two leave the coffee shop once lynn gets her latte, and also after they stage a photo for nora to send to the work group chat. apparently, they had a monetary bet on the whole thing, and what kind of people would harry and lynn be if they didn’t help their favorite barista make an extra bit of cash. so, they shared a kiss right outside of the cafe’s big windows, and harry stuck his head back in to make sure the girl got the perfect shot.

the weather feels absolutely perfect as they walk through the nearly-over farmers market. it’s on the way to the bakery, and lynn always finds herself wandering around whenever she has a good enough excuse. sometimes, when some of the staff asks for extra hours, she lets them set up a tent full of freshly baked loaves of bread. it meant that all she had to do was wake up early and bake them, and then she was free of her work duties and could visit nearly every vendor. so, once the ingredients were paid for, lynn split the rest of the profits amongst whoever worked. it was only fair.

harry stops to purchase a bouquet of over-priced sunflowers and lynn stupidly lets herself picture them sitting on her kitchen counter in a vase. she’d put them in the crystal one she inherited from her grandmother. usually, she reserved it for flowers that silas sends her from her favorite florist, but an exception could be made for harry.

"i’m happy i ran into you," he admits when they’re just outside of the bakery. "i miss you."

she looks up at him, "yeah?"

"yeah," he confirms. "i know that trip was a lot. figured you needed your space for a little while, but i wanted to see you."

"are you free for a little bit?"

“of course,” his fingers are pinching at the sleeve of her shirt. “i’m always free for you.”

she smiles up at him, unlocking the door to get into the bakery. "come on, then."

it was rare that lynn ever let anyone sit in on her sunday shifts. she loves working alone and the peace that comes with having nothing but her poorly crafted spotify playlists to keep her company. it brings her back to when she’d spend summertime weekends listening to music and baking for her sisters, reminding her of how she even fell in love with baking in the first place. 

she leaves harry in her office while she changes into her baking clothes that were kept in a desk drawer. she's got pictures of amelia and jane and silas taped to her computer, and when she stood up with the folded clothes in her hands, she was reminded that she even added a photo of harry. it was one she took on the trip, and she hoped that he didn’t find it weird. they were friends after all.

“i never got to ask,” lynn’s tying the apron around her waist while harry brings out a chair from the office to join her per her own request. “how did things with oliver go?”

she selfishly hopes he comes back with a frown on his face. he’ll say it was awful. the other boy hates him. nothing good was ever going to come out of it. harry would tell her that the coffee beans he bought were just an excuse to see her, and the flowers were meant to grace her counter top. he’d kiss her like he always does, and then maybe he’d even take her out to dinner.

i mean, he had to, right? why else would he be kissing her head and calling her honey in front of nora? would he miss her and want to see her if he had oliver to keep him company?

harry rounds the corner with a grin on his face, and it wasn’t anything like his normal one. it wasn’t even like the ones that lynn had compared to luke’s sunshine smiles. he’s showing all of his perfect teeth, his dimples practically giant craters on his cheeks. harry just radiates this glow, and it’s like lynn can see the happiness seeping from his pores. he practically embodied sunshine.

“we’re seeing each other again,” lynn has to turn around to face her supply shelf when she hears the words leave his mouth. “dating each other, and seeing where things go. you know.”

“that’s so exciting, harry,” she tries her best to sound happy before she lets herself face him again.

“thanks,” he says, his sunshine smile still on his lips. “i think it’s going to be good this time.”

maybe lynn needs to schedule another emergency session with dr. agard. immediately.

harry sits in her chair, silently watching with one of his legs folded underneath him until his phone rings. the sound makes lynn jump, chocolate batter tipping over on to the counter. he apologizes through a laugh, eyes never really leaving her as he fishes through his bag for his phone.

the mess reminds lynn of when the two of them made cupcakes with the leftover ingredients from jane’s birthday cake while silas opted for a shower. she had gotten chocolate icing on her face, and harry so graciously pointed it out before kissing it off. neither of them said anything, but when lynn purposefully smeared the icing across her lips, he kissed that off, too.

lynn recounted that night hundreds of times in the wellness center and on dr. agard’s sofa. it wasn’t the first time they had kissed when they were alone, and it wasn’t the last, but it was the first time that harry kissed her like he meant it. it wasn’t just soft presses of his lips against hers. he licked and sucked, and her favorite part was when he would pull away and she could feel his opened mouth pressed against hers. there’d be a sharp inhale and then he’d kiss her again. it was like he was trying to stop himself, too weak to ever actually do so.

she wonders if the chocolate mess reminds him of that night, too.

“i’m sorry, mom,” harry has his phone pressed against his cheek. “i know…i know. i just lost track of time. i’ll be there soon.”

it’s quiet for a second, and then his soft murmurs are replaced by the sound of john’s voice blaring through the speaker. harry’s eyes widen, and every time he opens his mouth to respond, john talks right over him. lynn can’t make out much, but she can tell he’s angry, pissed, really, over gemma’s birthday cake. the coffee beans and sunflowers make sense now.

"you alright?" lynn asks when pulls the phone away from his face.

"yeah," he clears his throat. "just... fucking up like always." his words are mumbled, and he doesn’t meet her eyes. she hates that he feels this way around her. "i'm sorry, ev. i should really go before they kill me."

"do you think there's room for one more?" she's standing behind a chocolate cake that she had pulled from the display case the second she heard john’s complaining. a white happy birthday gemma written on across the top.

"evy..." his voice falls when he sees it, and lynn’s stomach flips at the nickname. she wishes he’d say it again. "you don't have to-"

"we can say i insisted on making it. opened the bakery and everything just for the cake. i'll apologize for taking so long. it'll be fine."

"you're not taking the fall. you know how my dad can be.”

she shrugs, "i don't mind. i owe it to you, really. after you had to spend every day at my side. i know how much of a chore that was."

she laughs lightly, teeth finding the inside of her cheek. lynn nervously nibbles, knowing she’s just set herself to be incredibly disappointed. she gets sick at the thought of harry dreading spending time with her. he probably woke up every day on that trip just itching to push her away from him. maybe there was a timer set on his phone, counting down the seconds until he could go home and be far away from her and with oliver instead. dropping her off probably felt like such a relief. like he could finally breathe—

"that trip didn't feel like that to me, blondie. not at all.”

"no?" she looks up at him as his words interrupt her thoughts.

"no," his smile's light, and he reaches to give her upper arm a squeeze. "let me help you clean up."

"you sure? i don’t know if we have time."

“always have time for you, remember?” she wonders if he means it. if he’ll always have time for her even when the other boy is sitting at home, waiting for him.

they take lynn’s car to harry’s parents’ house. harry offers to drop off some danishes and tarts to nora and pick up her car from the lot while she changes into her clothes from earlier, and she lets him. she lets him draw on the pastry box, too. lynn expects something corny, like a thanks a latte written in the center. instead there’s a heart, followed by a rather large l.a.+ h.s. 

her heart beats just a little faster when she sees it.

the car ride is quiet. harry’s got his phone plugged in, shuffling through a few hozier songs that play softly through her car speakers. he hums along quietly, fingers tapping against the steering wheel, and he sounds almost as pretty as he looks. 

it reminds her of the last time they saw each other. he had driven her home from the airport, and lynn spent the entire ride looking for the right moment to tell him just what the night prior meant to her. it never came, and she hadn’t seen him since.

she lets herself think about how different things would be right now if she had. maybe harry would be reaching over the center console for her hand, peppering kisses to her burning cheeks at stop lights, singing along obnoxiously to the songs that played just to annoy her. 

and even if that weren’t true, what would have happened if she had kissed him when he called her that stupid nickname instead of running away? would he have let her touch him? she knows she would’ve given him her throat, just like she had offered. lynn would’ve given him all of her. whatever he wanted, whatever he needed, he would’ve had it.

harry slamming on the brakes is what gets lynn out of her head, and she realizes that this is just what penny meant. her feelings for him grew and grew because of scenarios she made up in her mind, and honestly, she’d never know what harry really thought about that night because he was seeing oliver now. she’d be the worst person in the world if she were to ruin that.

“sorry, evelyn,” harry murmurs, and lynn realizes that he’s got his arm stretched across her chest, pressing her back in to her seat. “wasn’t paying attention. i’m sorry.”

“it’s not any worse than my driving on the way to the airport in miami,” lynn says. “you’re fine.”

harry laughs at the mention of the most stressful drive of her entire life, and then it’s quiet and hozier’s voice can be heard again. 

gemma greets lynn with a hug and a kiss on each of her cheeks. she’s grinning, and thanking her over and over again for the cake. lynn’s baking was her favorite, and she admits that she often finds herself inside of the bakery on her lunch breaks. 

“tell the cashier your name next time,” lynn says. “whatever you want from now on is on me.”

gemma waves her off with a laugh, and it reminds her of harry, “i could never. i already feel bad when nora slips me an extra shot here and there.”

nora. gemma knows nora and that’s why harry was so okay with doting on her in front of the barista. it wasn’t because he wanted to. he had to.

“really, i insist,” lynn feels harry moving behind her. his arm rests on her waist and he presses his lips to the crown of her head. “i owe it to you for showing up empty handed.”

“if anyone owes anyone anything, i should be giving something to you. it’s been forever since i’ve seen harry at one of these things, and i’m certain i owe all credit to you.”

oliver. she owes it all to oliver. it’s been over two weeks since she’s last seen him, and she wasn’t even supposed to be here.

“heeeeey,” harry whines, and his face doesn’t match his voice. instead, he’s got a big grin on it as he leans forward to hug his sister. one arm wraps around her neck and the other stays exactly where it was on lynn’s back. “happy birthday, gem. missed you.”

“i’m glad you’re here, harry,” she turns her attention back to lynn. “and you, too, lynn. thank you for the cake.”

harry guides lynn to the living room, leaving her to relax on the couch next to drew while he got them drinks. gemma’s husband is nice. he offers lynn comforting smiles and listens attentively when he asks her about herself. she’s a bit surprised when he adds in a few questions about harry, but she answers them to the best of her ability, getting the sense that harry doesn’t check in with them as much as he should. 

of course, she tells him that harry’s doing well. lynn chats about their beach vacation and even mentions how thoughtful he was when it came to the dress and dinner reservations. she says he’s attentive and kind, and she loves the way he treats her sisters. when drew asks how his classes are going, lynn’s vague with her answer, only saying that he’s doing well. she’s not entirely sure if he (or gemma) knew about harry’s recent drop out, and she definitely wasn’t going to be the one to let that out.

“i’m glad he has you,” he says it with sad eyes, making lynn furrow her brows. “he hasn’t come around much recently. i think the last time i saw him at one of gemma’s birthday celebrations, he was only seventeen.” 

lynn doesn’t have time to respond because harry’s joining them again, this time with a hard seltzer in one hand and a bottle of water in the other which he keeps for himself. drew switches his attention to harry, and it’s so obvious that the older man cares for him. he asks him questions with actual depth. there was none of that “so…how’ve you been?” bullshit that seemed to be the only thing to fall from the rest of the family’s lips. drew was actually interested in what harry had to say, and even if he wasn’t, he did a damn good job at acting like it.

if he didn’t show he cared enough through his words, his actions did. at least lynn thought so. when his grandmother walked in, her eyes fell on harry and almost immediately, a sour expression took over her face. 

“what’s he doing here?” her voice feels venomous, and lynn can feel the way harry tenses next to her when it falls on his ears. obviously, drew heard it, too. instead of giving the old woman any attention, he simply angled his body to block her out of harry’s sight and continued the conversation like nothing had happened. 

lynn wishes marianne’s mom didn’t have such an effect on him. she can see it in the way his knee bounces. there’s little beads of sweat forming on the back of his neck, and lynn bets she could hear the pounding of his heart if she were to press her ear against his chest. she felt so fucking bad for him.

so, she offers him whatever she can without drawing his attention away from the conversation with his brother-in-law. it starts with a squeeze of his hand before she takes it into her own. she lets her thumb brush against his knuckles, noticing the absence of the rings he usually wears. 

when drew gets up to help set the table, harry slides his hand to lynn’s knee. a smile forms on his lips, and he squeezes once. nothing’s said, but lynn understands it. at least she thinks she does. she kisses his cheek, and harry catches her chin before she can pull away, bringing her lips to his. their kiss isn’t anything more than a peck, but lynn can’t ignore the way the want for him begins stirring up in her belly.

“you alright?” her words are quiet, just meant for him.

“yeah,” her murmurs. “i’m glad you’re here.”

“me, too,” the shy smile forms on his face again and she soaks it up. lynn tries her best to capture this moment, hoping it’s a part of her seven minute long memory reel when she dies. even if it was just a show for his family. “c’mon. let’s go help drew.”

the dinner isn’t entirely unbearable. lynn sits between harry and his mother, and gemma and drew sit across from them. his grandmother is placed next to gemma and across from marianne, and john takes the head of the table. different conversations float throughout the group, mostly centered around gemma, and lynn’s thankful for it because every time harry’s name is mentioned, the older woman either scoffs or mutters something under her breath.

harry doesn’t seem to pay any mind to it at first. he chats with drew and once they run out of things to say, he turns to lynn, wanting to be caught up on all things jane and amelia. he lets out a dramatic gasp with his hand to his chest when lynn reveals that amelia is still texting the boy from the beach, and it makes her laugh. 

it feels like they’re in their own little world at the table as they share hushed whispers and quiet giggles with each other. it reminds her of when they went to the restaurant in florida. their conversation holds nothing of substance, and it feels like she’s actually getting to know him without some kind of depressing cloud looming over them. 

when a childhood story is shared by gemma, she learns his favorite color is yellow, he loves sunflowers (not as much as his sister does), and the two would often spend long games of hide and seek amongst the fields near his grandmother’s house. the story turns into one about the summers they spent there, and his sister recalls harry spending night after night on the floor of her bedroom after they watched monsters inc with tears in her eyes from laughing so hard.

the corners of his mouth are turned downward, and lynn hates that what’s supposed to be happy childhood memory makes him sad. she lets her chin rest on his shoulder, facing away from the rest of the group, “it sounds like your grandma loved you so much then. i’m sure she’ll come around.”

“i hope so,” he murmurs, and it makes lynn want to cry. 

“how about cake?” marianne asks, standing up from the table. 

“ooh please,” gemma says, and then turns her attention to her grandmother. “you’re going to love it, gram. lynn makes the best cakes.”

“that’s what you do?” the old woman asks. “work in a bakery?”

john laughs under his breath, and before lynn can even say something, she hears harry’s voice from behind her, “she owns the bakery.”

his grandmother only hums, and by the look on gemma’s face, lynn thinks that this is the first time he’s spoken to her in a while. her heart thumps at the assumption.

“i’ll take you one weekend,” gemma says to her grandma. “there’s a market, too. it’ll be so much fun.”

“i usually keep it closed on sunday’s,” lynn interrupts, fingers pinching at harry's cheek which earns a laugh from him. “made a special exception today with harry’s help.”

as if on cue, drew walks out with the cake, a brightly lit ‘25’ candle in the center. mari’s singing happy birthday, and the rest of the group joins in. lynn watches with envy as drew slides the cake in front of his wife and then leans forward to wrap his arms around her neck. the action makes gemma grin, and once she blows out her candles, lynn catches the “i’ve already got my wish” that she whispers to him along with a squeeze of his hand.

ugh. when will someone love her like that?

“cake looks delicious, ev,” harry gains her attention with his whisper. “thank you again.”

“y’don’t have to thank me.”

he pats her knee under the table, leaving his hand to rest there while marianne starts to cut the cake and pass around the slices. gemma gets the first, and then drew, and then she holds out a plate to her mother, who rudely puts her hand out and pushes it away.

“not if harry helped with it,” and lynn expects for someone to jump to his defense. to say something. anything. but seconds pass, and no one does.

her shock is probably evident in the way her jaw falls to the floor. even drew, who was just whining about missing harry at family functions, has his attention turned toward his hands in his lap. gemma’s pushes the dessert around on the plate, and marianne is looking sympathetically…at her mother.

“oh, come on, son. lighten up,” john breaks the silence first. “you can’t expect everyone to be so accepting of your lifestyle.”

lifestyle? harry’s touch falls from her leg, and when she looks over at him, her chest fucking aches. she can see the tears glassing over his eyes, rapid, heavy blinking keeping them from spilling over. teeth scrape over his bottom lip, and he keeps his eyes glued to the empty space in front of him.

she wants to pull him into her and tickle him with kisses until he’s a breathless, giggling mess, pushing her away just for a little gasp of air. if it were just them, lynn would let him rest his head in her lap and trace words onto his skin until he fell asleep. he’d leave the next morning with the sentence faintly bruised into his skin. i love you in hues of browns and blues.

of course, she only means it platonically right now, but maybe someday the words would hold more. she selfishly wishes that she’ll be the one to make him forget about every nasty thing his stupid family has ever said about him. that ten years from now, all he’ll know is her and her love, and even if that never happens, lynn hopes that she can prove to him that he’s more than what they make him out to be. that he deserves everything good.

or maybe he’ll find that again with oliver. it didn’t matter. as long as he got it.

“i think i saw some ice cream in the freezer,” gemma says, and then she pushes herself from the table. “i’ll go check, gram.”

“let me help you,” mari offers. she gives harry’s shoulder a squeeze when she walks past him, and lynn can see the way he curls into himself at the contact. god, she wanted to grab the woman’s hand and squeeze it until all of the bones in her fingers shattered.

minutes pass, and when lynn catches a tear finally slip down harry’s cheek, she can’t stop herself from excusing herself to see if the other women needed help. 

"it makes me sick to see the way you guys let her treat him," lynn’s not even entirely in the kitchen when the words fall from her mouth. 

"she's from a different time, lynn,” marianne defends herself, and the tone of her voice makes lynn’s skin itch. she sounds so nonchalant. how can you watch your son be visibly devastated by his grandmother’s words and not say anything?

"who gives a fuck?” she can’t help herself. “he's your son."

"and she's my mother. i could never choose between the two of them."

"except you do, and you never choose him."

"i wouldn't expect you to understand. she's-" gemma starts.

lynn scoffs, not being able to listen to the two of them a second longer, "the only thing i need to understand is the fact that he loves you guys with every fiber in his being, and you both decide to sit back and watch silently as she demeans him. you should be ashamed," she turns her attention to gemma, pointing her finger at the girl as she speaks. "especially you. harry speaks so highly of you in everything he has to say and to sit here and see the way you just turn your head at the things she has to say… i would never, ever let my grandmother talk to my little sisters like that. especially if they came here for me and no one else."

she can taste the saltiness on her lips from the tears she didn’t even realize were falling. lynn’s not sure if its the hurt from hearing these two talk about harry like that or if it’s because her chest is heaving so hard, but she aches. maybe it’s because she knows how badly it hurts, but lynn lets out a sob that she muffles with the back of her hand. she doesn’t mean to, really. harry just deserved so much better.

"can we leave?" his quiet voice behind her makes her jump.

"harry-" it’s marianne.

“yeah, of course,” she moves to him, not letting his mother finish her sentence. “let’s go.”

harry’s already carrying both of their bags in his hand so they leave without saying goodbye to anyone, and lynn couldn’t be more thankful. by the quietness filling the house, she guesses that they all heard her little outburst. maybe she should be more embarrassed by her behavior, but honestly, she doesn’t really care. 

unless harry was upset with her, and by the silence he was offering her…

"i’m sorry," she says once they’re outside. “i overstepped, and-

harry pulls her into him, the rest of her sentence dissolving into a gasp. his arms are around her waist pulling her against him so tightly, she can barely breathe. lynn feels his tears wetting the skin of her neck and the small shakes of his body with every exhale.

“thank you,” his words are pressed into her skin. “no one’s ever…thank you.”

“nothing you have to thank me for,” lynn lets her hands slide up his back until they can wrap around his neck. she’d let him hold her against him for as long as he wanted. maybe if things were real between them, she’d kiss him, too. “do you want me to take you to oliver’s?”

harry pulls away, searching her face as if her question had some kind of hidden meaning. one of her hands move to cup his cheek, thumb stretching to wipe away all of the sticky tears. his glassy eyes are just boring into hers, and lynn wishes she could take all of his pain away.

"i feel like i haven't seen you in forever, evy. could we go to yours?"

and how can she say no when he uses that name. “i have to finish up some stuff at the bakery. we can get chinese on the way if you want.”

“yeah,” harry breathes. “i would.”

so, lynn calls in their usual order at their favorite place when they’re finally in her car. it’s a good thirty minutes out of the way, but she doesn’t really care. there’s a wine store right next to it, and she thinks if she chooses the right parking spot, she could run into both of the stores without harry seeing. 

she drives with one hand on the wheel and the other hand intertwined with harry’s. her thumb runs across his knuckles while he sits in the passenger seat with his head pressed against the glass. he keeps his eyes closed, but the way he tightly grasps her hand anytime she starts to let go lets her know that he’s still awake.

the wine shop is still open when they pull into the parking lot of the little strip mall, so she runs in there first. it doesn’t take long to find the white wine section. lynn could never say no to a chilled glass of pinot grigio, and she knew that harry would happily share the bottle with her without a complaint, but throughout their week in florida, she noticed that he tended to reach for the bottle labeled citruskissed if they had it in their fridge or if they made a stop at the grocery store. so, she gets a bottle of each before making her way to the chinese restaurant. 

while lynn waits for the cashier to grab their order from the kitchen, she can’t help but wonder if harry considers this place their favorite place, too. maybe he told oliver about it, saying ‘lynn and i love this place.’ just like she did with silas. or maybe it was just his, and he mentioned his favorite restaurant to oliver.

whatever. it was a minuscule detail, and it didn’t really matter, but the thought of them sharing something in his mind makes her face warm a little. 

she slides the bags in her backseat before getting back in the car. harry was sitting up right, fingers picking at the skin on the side of his thumb like he was nervous. his eyes were teary again and his bottom lip was red and shiny with spit, probably from gnawing on it.

“i don’t want you to think i didn’t want you there,” harry says before she could even get her seatbelt on. 

“i didn’t think—”

“you did,” he interrupts. “i saw it on your face when my sister said whatever she did about you convincing me to go.”

“i didn’t convince you to go, harry. you were already going, and i practically invited myself—”

“no. no, ev,” he’s shaking his head. “you did. when i saw you with your parents, and how you didn’t let your relationship with them affect your relationship with your sisters. i thought that maybe i could do that, too, and i wanted you there, but…”

“you don’t have to explain anything to me, har,” lynn takes his hands in her own. “i get it.”

“we weren’t talking,” his brows are drawn together, and he keeps his eyes focused on the center console. “i didn’t know how to ask you. i’m just…so embarrassed of the way i let them treat me. i don’t want you to think—”

“i think you deserve better. that’s what i think,” she says. “and we’re friends, harry. i’ll always show up for you, even if we haven’t spoken in a bit.”

“you don’t have to babysit me, you know. you still have work to do tonight, and i don’t want you to feel obligated to hang out with me just because i’m sad.”

“i don’t feel like i’m babysitting you at all,” her voice is full of sincerity. “i missed you, and i want to spend time with you.”

“i’m no fun to be around right now.”

“i’m sure i wasn’t much fun to be around in florida,” lynn replies. 

“that’s different. i didn’t mind—”

“it’s the exact same thing. i don’t mind at all right now,” her finger points to the back seat. “we have dinner, and i got us our favorite wines. if this is because i asked if you wanted me to take you to oliver’s, i just thought that you’d want to be around him instead.”

“i don’t,” his voice is quiet, almost like if he said the words any louder he’d be betraying the boy. “you’re the only person i want to be around right now.”

“okay,” lynn says. “i want to be around you, too. y’dont have to push me away.”

“okay,” harry squeezes her hands once before letting go. he turns to put his seatbelt back on, and then, “is it citruskissed?”

lynn grins, “of fucking course it’s citruskissed. think better of me.”

the drive back to her bakery wasn’t as long as she remembers it to be, but maybe that was only because she spent the entirety of it trying to walk harry through using the ebay app. 

at a rather long red light, she convinced him to list some of his paintings for an outrageous price. it was a trend she had seen online. artists would list their work, and sometimes people would bid nearly five digits for them. lynn had mentioned that financial freedom from his parents might help (at least it did for her), and he was downloading the app seconds later.

the two eat their chinese food right out of the containers with plastic cups full to the brim with their wine at one of the tiny tables in the bakery’s dining area. the overhead lights are kept off, and they use the warm glow from stray lamps lynn had thrifted over the years instead.

she’s spent many long nights just like this one in her bakery. the lights were always dimmed as she ate the chinese delivery in her office. music usually quietly played from the speakers, and there was a sense of calmness that floated around the small building. lynn always loved the time she spent working late alone, but right now, she thinks she loves sharing it with harry even more.

he’s comfortable around her again, and not a second goes by that’s not taken up by one of their voices as they talk around bites of lo mein and fried rice. he tells her about his teenage years, and just how into theater he was. lynn can’t help the giggle that slips out when she pictures harry in costume on stage. 

she tries to talk him into joining the community theater, and of course, he makes a joke of it. she doesn’t want to press, but lynn thinks if he ever did decide to join, she’d be front and center at every one of his plays with a bouquet of sunflowers tucked gently underneath her seat.

“did you ever try to rekindle things with silas?” 

“what?” lynn’s fork holding a bite of lo mein stops mid air.

“sorry, it’s none of my business.”

there’s a bubble of laughter rising in her chest, and she does her best to keep it down, “you do know silas is gay, right?”

harry chokes on his sip of wine, “what?”

his eyes are wide and lynn can’t stop the laughter from spilling out. it’s such a genuine laugh that she can feel deep in her stomach. tears pool at the corner of her eyes, and when she looks over, harry is laughing softly, too.

“i can’t believe you thought that…” her fingertips press into the ache in her side that seemed to grow with each laugh. “i can’t even finish. that’s absurd, harry.”

“you two just seemed so-”

“don’t,” she holds her hand up, one last giggle leaving her lips. “you’ve said enough.”

lynn finishes pouring the forgotten chocolate batter into cupcake tins while harry cleans up their dinner mess. it’s late by now. the sun’s set, and she expects him to say he has to go after he’s finished tossing everything in the trash. he doesn’t though. instead, he brings out her office chair and watches again.

neither one of them speaks, and lynn can’t help but wonder what harry’s thinking about. every time she looks over, his face softens and a smile forms on his lips when their eyes meet. the sight of him makes her want to lay on her bed, kicking her feet like a schoolgirl as she draws little e.a. + h.s.’s inside of hearts in her notebook.

lynn’s icing the cupcakes when she lets him plug his phone into the bakery’s sound system. harry chooses hozier again, but this time lynn knows the words of work song as soon as it starts playing through the speakers.

i'm so full of love i could barely eat.

she remembers when the song was first released. she’d lay in her bed in her parents’ house listening to it with her headphones on max volume, wishing that this was the song she could relate to instead of cherry wine.

“god, harry,” lynn can’t help herself once he returns back to the kitchen. “you must be so in love with him. i’ve never heard someone listen to this much mushy music.”

harry smiles, but it’s sad. (probably from earlier.) “yeah, something like that.”

it’s nearing midnight when she puts the last of the cupcakes in the display case. harry’s moved to the table they were sitting at earlier, his face buried in his arms. lynn thinks he might only be resting, but the soft snores that sometimes bounce off of the walls of the bakery tell her otherwise.

she does her best to close everything up quietly, not wanting to wake him, and then goes to finish up the dishes. lynn’s not really sure why he decided to nap at the table instead of going home to sleep in his comfortable bed, but she isn’t complaining. she would never give up a second of time spent with harry. even if it was spent watching him nap.

thinking about the fact that there will be a day when he would rather be around oliver when he’s sad makes her stomach twist. lynn knows it would probably be best to distance herself. nothing good would come out of letting herself fall in love with him. he even said it himself when they first started this whole fake relationship. he’d do it as long as she didn’t fall in love with him, and something tells her that he’s not very keen on changing his mind.

lynn puts their half empty bottles of wine into a bag, and boxes up the chocolate cupcake she had made especially for harry to take back to his. it was a mini version of the cake she had given to gemma, only a little better. it had raspberry filling and thick cream cheese frosting, and she hoped he’d like it.

her fingers brush against his arm and move to scratch at his back, quiet murmurs of his name leaving her lips. harry offers her a sleepy smile when he lifts his head, and before thinking, lynn offers him a spot in her bed in return. she’s embarrassed for even offering, but harry accepts before she finishes her sentence.

harry takes the bags and boxes from her as she turns off the last remaining lamp and joins him outside. her keys echo in the darkness as she tries to lock the door, and after a few minutes, harry offers his phone flashlight, illuminating the lock.

they share the cupcake as soon as they get into the car. harry uses the nearby streetlight to carefully shove spoonfuls of the raspberry filling and chocolate cake into lynn’s mouth. he keeps the frosting all for himself, quiet hums of appreciation falling from his mouth with every bite. 

“still having trouble sleeping?” his words are slurred in the passenger seat of her car not even five minutes into the drive.

“not as much,” she admits. “i, um, went to a psychiatrist and got some sleeping meds.”

“yeah?” he hums. “and they work?”

“usually. not always.”

“i’m sorry,” he leans his head back against the headrest, eyes closing again. harry’s hand reaches for her's and he presses his sugary lips against the back of it like it was a normal thing for him to be doing. “y’always deserve the best sleep. i wish we could trade places… my hardworking girl.”

my girl? lynn’s thanking god that his eyes are closed because the blush from his words practically takes over her whole body. every inch of her skin is on fire, and when she catches herself in the rear view mirror, her reflection matches that of a red light. 

when lynn finally gains enough courage to look over at him, he’s fast asleep again.

✰✰✰

to be honest, harry wasn’t really expecting oliver to reply to his message. firstly, because it was sent via facebook messenger and no one under forty uses that (the only exception being to score a killer deal found on marketplace), and secondly, because the message came from harry. when the message sat on delivered for thirty six hours, he felt relieved. it meant he wasn’t going to have to face his wrong doings, and it also meant that he didn’t have to do something he wasn’t sure he was ready to do to begin with.

besides that one moment in the early days of jane’s birthday vacation, harry hadn’t thought about oliver once. instead, his thoughts were filled to the brim with blonde hair and bright blue eyes, sugary sweet lips and warm, freshly tanned skin. he couldn’t help it. lynn was just so… perfect. harry simply couldn’t get enough of her. all the shy smiles sent his way and soft kisses pressed into his skin had him thinking maybe he didn’t miss oliver after all, and the ache in his chest was nothing but a bit of guilt because he didn’t anymore.

harry would never know because the small, heavy feeling was replaced with what was like the weight of a lynn-sized brick as soon as he heard her say that she was still hung up on silas. he’d be lying if he said he didn’t expect it. the look on her face right after everything happened just said it all. the way her smile fell from her lips mid-giggle when she looked at him… it was like she realized just exactly who he was once the post-orgasm fog had faded.

the memory of it makes his chest ache. harry didn’t mean to let it go that far. he would’ve been fine with a few short kisses and an early night, but as soon as she started grinding against him, the ache to please her grew into a pit so big, it should’ve swallowed him whole from the inside out. she could’ve given him her mouth and her throat just like she had offered and nothing would’ve been as satisfying as the feeling of her clenching around his fingers. the heavy whimpers that graced his ears and the hot exhales from her staggered breaths that fanned over the skin of his neck. the way she fell into him and basked in the warmth of his soft praises. she was so perfect, and he was nothing but an idiot to think he deserved her like that. to see her in such beauty. lynn was gorgeous and kind and smart and funny and… and he was just harry.

so, after a heavy cry in the shower and a fake confession, harry texted oliver that night, and thirty seven hours later, he responded. the other boy didn’t say much, only a time and an address. harry was nearly certain that he wasn’t going to show, but when the little bell above the door rings at exactly 10am, he’s proven wrong.

“hi,” harry rushes out as soon as oliver is at his table. “thank you for coming. i got you a lavender latte.”

“i don’t drink milk,” is the first thing oliver says. no hello. no how’ve you been?, and deep down, harry knew he didn’t deserve the fake pleasantries.

“you never have. it’s oat,” and then he’s pushing his untouched latte towards the other boy. “if you don’t like that anymore, mine’s almond. take it. take both, really. i can get you something else, too, if you’d-”

“harry,” oliver’s voice is sharp. a warning almost. “what are you doing here?”

"i wanted to apologize for what i did when we were in high school."

"that's it? that could've been done over text.”

"you deserve so much more than a text message, oliver," and it was true, he did. even if harry would rather be doing anything else, he owed the boy this much.

oliver doesn’t say anything, but he’s staring at harry with a coldness in his eyes that has him on the brink of tears. maybe this is how oliver felt every time he had to pass harry in the hallways. the thought makes a lump form in his throat.

"i'm not here to clear my conscience or get on my hands and knees and beg you to take me back because what i did was horrible, but-"

"did you ever love me or was it just some kind of fucked up joke? something to laugh at in the locker room, i’m sure."

"i loved you so much, oliver. so so so much." if it were any other situation the thickness of his voice might’ve had him cringing in embarrassment. he knew that the way he treated the other was criminal, but harry never thought oliver would assume that every single part of their shared relationship was nothing but a joke for his teammates. "my dad was horrible and i know that your parents would've done anything for me, but-"

"but i wasn't worth it?"

"you were, but i was a stupid kid who wanted his dad’s approval,” harry admits. “i was so angry because why did i have to be born into that kind of family? it was unfair and i was jealous of you and your relationship with your parents and i just... i took it out on you. i'm sorry, oliver."

"okay," oliver dramatically fake yawns like he just finished watching the most boring performance ever put on. "anything else? no begging for my forgiveness? maybe you want to call me a f-”

“no!” harry’s hands slam down on the table, stopping the boy from finishing his sentence. 

oliver only smiles. “not even for old times’ sake, ma jolie?”

harry’s stomach twists at the old nickname. tears he’s been trying so hard to keep in finally spilling over. oliver started using the phrase when they were in their shared French I class. it was before they even started dating, but the two had started spending more alone time together. oliver would wake him up with the words tickling his skin, and harry let it go on for over a month before he finally caved and asked their teacher what it meant. 

my pretty.

"i already figured that we would end the way we did when your dad saw us," oliver sighs. "i just hoped you were better than that."

"god, i was so horrible, ollie. i just…,” harry’s voice falls. his fingers are gripping the edge of the table so hard, his knuckles turning white. “you know i was religious. i couldn't understand why the god i worshiped made me into something that he hated,” big, thick tears are falling from his eyes, and his nose is so snotty, he can feel it running down to his lip. the sight must’ve been crazy to the other patrons in the shop, but harry didn’t care. he’d do it a hundred times over if it meant there was a chance he could prove himself to the boy. harry really did love him.

“i would come home from school and pray on my hands and knees begging him to fix me. i wanted to be worthy of my family's love so badly. if i had met you ten years from then, knowing what i do now, you would've been more than enough. i'm sorry i didn't realize that. i wish i was better to you, oliver. but nothing i do or say now will ever make what i did go away and i'm sorry.”

"i know,” the tone of his voice matches the way his features soften. the cold stare long gone. “i forgive you.”

"you don't-"

"i'll never know what it's like to grow up like that. my roommate is going through the same thing, and i should've never expected you to face that at 17. you were just a kid."

harry doesn't know why he feels the urge to cry again, but his eyes are watering and his throat is burning. he's blinking so fast, but the tears are still pooling, and as soon as oliver sees he's moving from his side of the booth and sliding in next to harry.

he can feel the boy’s lips against his hair and the side of his head, and harry doesn't really know who initiates it, but there’s soft kisses on his lips, and it feels so nostalgic. almost like coming home.

harry presses his face into the boy's neck when they pull apart. his eyes are closed, and he is just so focused on taking oliver in. he smells different. kind of. the cheap body sprays he had purchased as a teenager were no longer there, but harry could still pick out the gain original scent stuck to his shirt.

"i'm so sorry," his words are muffled by the boy’s skin, but the way ollie runs his thumb between his shoulder blades lets him know they’re heard. god, even his touch felt the same.

"i'm glad you texted," oliver says after a moment. “and i’m sorry for being a prick earlier.”

"don’t be," harry pulls away to offer him a smile. “i deserved it.”

"i still think about you, harry,” his knuckles reach to wipe the remnants of tears stuck under harry’s eyes. "i know how everything ended, but like i said, we were kids, and you loved me in a way i don't think i'll ever experience again."

"oliver..."

"im not saying anything will come out of it, but maybe you'd like to get to know each other again?"

"yeah," harry only smiles, trying his best not to explode. "i would like that very much, oliver."

✮✮✮

lynn swallows hard at the sight of the woman sitting in front of her. she looks nearly the same as the last time she saw her years ago, the only difference being the huge, shiny rock on her ring finger and her rather large baby bump. seeing her like this feels weird, lynn thinks. 

of course, she’s happy for the woman, but lynn can’t help but feel a little bit of burning jealousy make its way up from her stomach all the way to her throat. she didn’t want to be married, and she definitely didn’t want to be pregnant, but seeing her like this… it reminded lynn of how the world continues to turn for everyone else while she still feels glued to the same spot. it was like she was in a game of monopoly, only the child who once claimed her as their piece became uninterested halfway through, and now she was forced to watch everyone pass GO a hundred times over while she sat in the tattered, old box, collecting dust.

“lynn,” dr. agard is the first to speak. “it’s nice to see you. it’s been a while.”

“three years, i think,” her voice feels so small as she leans into the plush pillows on the couch. “and evelyn’s okay now. if you want to go back to using that.”

she watches as her doctor writes a quick note, “i see. any reason for the change?”

lynn shakes her head, “not particularly. i just heard it again for the first time recently, and i don’t know. it didn’t make me cry until i threw up.”

“that’s good,” the woman smiles at her warmly, and it’s too much. lynn has to look away.

when she looks at dr. agard, she sees herself. the both of them share the same shade of blonde hair and blue eyes. the only difference being the fact that the doctor either wore hers straight or pulled away from her face in a way that never had a hair out of place. if she were to take her contacts out, lynn thinks that it would be just like looking in a mirror.

she wonders if this is what her life could have been like if anything were to have turned out just a little bit differently. maybe if peter didn’t have an affair with her au pair, she would’ve known what it was like to have two loving parents. perhaps then she wouldn’t have practically cheated on luke with her stupid neighbor. she’d have a college degree and a ring on her finger and a successful job and maybe a kid or two or three or—

when she blinks, dr. agard is looking at her expectantly. 

“i’m sorry,” lynn says. “what did you say?”

“i asked why you decided to come back.”

"i, um," she clears her throat. "well, i met someone."

"that's exciting," the woman smiles at her as her pen glides across the paper. "how long have you two been together?"

"we're not," lynn feels herself slipping away again. her fingers pick the loose thread hanging from the bottom seam on her shirt, and she moves all of her attention down there. she couldn’t look dr. agard in the eye and tell her what she’s done. "we just... i don't know. i like being around him."

"why's that?"

"he's easy to talk to, and i feel like myself when we're together," her teeth chew at the inside of her cheek. "the version of myself that i was before everything."

"lynn," her notepad comes down and she's looking at her with worried eyes. "we've talked about this. you can't put your healing in the hands of other people."

"i know, i know. it's not like that," but wasn't it? she couldn’t sleep through the night unless harry was pressed against her. she’s been home for a week, and she hasn’t been able to close her eyes without a heavy dose of melatonin (nearly twenty milligrams if anyone cares.)  "i want to do all the work because if there's ever a time that he feels the same, i want to give him the best version of myself. i don’t ever want him to feel like i rely on him."

"what do you think is going to happen if that time never comes?"

lynn would spend night after night with her face pressed into the pillow he had used a singular time until his scent went away. she’d probably wear her pretty blue dress like it was a second skin while she laid in bed trying to remember every curve of his body and every line in his skin.

she’d get on her knees, and pray to a god that she doesn’t even believe in. she’d ask him to fix it. to make harry change his mind about her. and when that wouldn’t happen, she’d probably lay on the floor with nothing but her fresh tears warming her body. she’d stay like that for hours. days maybe. and then she’d finally get up, wipe her face, and move on.

“i actually came today to see if you could maybe give me a referral for the place you sent me to last time,” lynn admits. “you know, the wellness center in connecticut.”

“i’d prefer to talk to you a bit first,” she says. “i could give you one maybe in a few sessions, but right now-”

“please,” lynn begs. “please. i feel just like i did last time.”

“how did you feel last time?”

“crazy,” it’s meant to come out as a joke, but her the tone of her voice has a bit of a serious edge to it. “i feel normal, i guess, but at the same time it’s like i’m not in control. i don’t know if it’s because i haven’t been sleeping or if it’s because of him, but i feel… not right.”

“how long have you had trouble sleeping?”

“thirteen. maybe fourteen.”

“two weeks isn’t that-”

“months,” lynn clarifies. “over a year.”

"oh, god. evelyn,” dr. agard can’t even hide the shock in her voice. her mouth is open, and the pen she’s holding makes a thump when it falls against the notebook. “why didn’t you come sooner?”

"because i felt like i could handle it," lynn smiles sheepishly. “and i didn’t realize how bad it had gotten until i met him. please, dr. agard. i wouldn’t be asking if i didn’t feel like i needed it. it helped so much last time.”

"at least you're aware," she says. "i’ll give it to you on one condition. i want you back here weekly."

“deal,” and lynn can’t help the grin that takes over face when dr. agard hands her the signed referral form.

19 AUGUST 2018

lynn parks her car a long four block walk away from the bakery. she usually starts her sunday shifts in the morning, sometimes even as early as seven. there was always an abundance of parking spaces and she loved beating the summer time farmer’s market crowd. 

however, this morning was spent in dr. agard’s manhattan office. after lynn insisted on moving her weekly sessions down there in fear of anyone seeing her, the woman asked to see her for an emergency appointment. apparently, she wanted to figure out just what lynn meant by that.

so, she didn’t want harry to see her walking into the building in the middle of their little downtown area. sue her. lynn didn’t really want anyone to see her if she were being honest. there was a little embarrassment that came with the fact that she had to go away again, and she preferred to keep it to herself. and silas. obviously. she told him everything.

the weeklong stay at connecticut’s finest wellness center was exactly what lynn needed. when she was there, her one on one therapist (her name was penny and she was lynn’s favorite) taught her some helpful techniques when it came to dealing with her crippling insomnia. none of which involved a boy with soft, brown curls and warm lips being in her bed.

penny also reassured lynn that her borderline infatuation with harry was normal. he was the first new person she felt safe around in a while, and she had to learn to separate that from her actual feelings towards him. she had also said that lynn was projecting an idea of the man she wanted him to be onto him. sure, he was kind and sweet, but that was only when he wanted to be. who’s to say that things wouldn’t go right back to how they started between them as soon as they spent some time together outside of sunny florida?

so, she didn’t love him like she had told penny on her first day there, but that didn’t mean she didn’t have a crush on him. of course she did. he’s harry.

lynn stops at her favorite coffee shop that sat a block away from her bakery. when she was understaffed and worked the night shift alone, she would trade the baristas freshly baked cupcakes for large soy milk lattes. honestly, she wasn’t really sure if the coffee was even that good. the staff was lovely and that’s all that mattered.

“lynn,” the teenage girl behind the counter named nora greets her with a smile. “i was starting to think you moved away. soy latte?”

“always, and i was just out of town for a bit,” lynn laughs, digging through her purse for her wallet. “come by after your shift and i’ll send you home with all of my fails.”

nora cheers, tapping away on the computer screen. “just two dollars today. gave you my discount.”

“i’ve got it,” lynn turns around to see harry standing behind her. he’s got two bags of coffee beans in his hand and he steps forward to set them on the counter. “these, too. thank you, nora.”

“harry,” lynn can’t stop the smile from growing on her lips. “hi.”

“hi, honey,” he gives her the close-lipped, soft smile that she absolutely adores. the one where the left side of his mouth curves just a little higher than his right. lynn leans into the warmth crawling up her neck and spreading to her cheeks, just happy that someone has this effect on her again. (she learned to appreciate the little things in connecticut, too.)

“you two know each other?” nora’s voice is quieter, and lynn thinks it’s faintly laced with shock, too.

“s’my girlfriend, nora,” harry mumbles as the machine beeps, signaling for him to take out his card. when he looks up, nora’s looking back at him with her jaw nearly on the ground. “y’alright, sweetheart? you look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“yeah, um,” lynn laughs at how flustered she gets. “when we’re bored, some of us like to ship our regulars, and-”

“ship?” harry interrupts.

“like pairing people together,” lynn lets herself rest against his shoulder. she missed him, and harry obviously wanted nora to think they were together. “romantically.”

“right. i knew that.”

“a lot of us on the morning shift thought that you two would be cute together,” nora’s face turns red at her own confession. “the girls are going to die when i tell them.”

“we are cute together, aren’t we?” his lips are lost in her hair, and lynn tries her best to remember that he’s only doing it because he has to. because they’re in this stupid, fake relationship. (penny, dr. agard, and her group therapist had all called it a bad idea.) but really, they didn’t have to pretend right now. not in front of nora. maybe harry was doing it because he simply wanted to.

the two leave the coffee shop once lynn gets her latte, and also after they stage a photo for nora to send to the work group chat. apparently, they had a monetary bet on the whole thing, and what kind of people would harry and lynn be if they didn’t help their favorite barista make an extra bit of cash. so, they shared a kiss right outside of the cafe’s big windows, and harry stuck his head back in to make sure the girl got the perfect shot.

the weather feels absolutely perfect as they walk through the nearly-over farmers market. it’s on the way to the bakery, and lynn always finds herself wandering around whenever she has a good enough excuse. sometimes, when some of the staff asks for extra hours, she lets them set up a tent full of freshly baked loaves of bread. it meant that all she had to do was wake up early and bake them, and then she was free of her work duties and could visit nearly every vendor. so, once the ingredients were paid for, lynn split the rest of the profits amongst whoever worked. it was only fair.

harry stops to purchase a bouquet of over-priced sunflowers and lynn stupidly lets herself picture them sitting on her kitchen counter in a vase. she’d put them in the crystal one she inherited from her grandmother. usually, she reserved it for flowers that silas sends her from her favorite florist, but an exception could be made for harry.

"i’m happy i ran into you," he admits when they’re just outside of the bakery. "i miss you."

she looks up at him, "yeah?"

"yeah," he confirms. "i know that trip was a lot. figured you needed your space for a little while, but i wanted to see you."

"are you free for a little bit?"

“of course,” his fingers are pinching at the sleeve of her shirt. “i’m always free for you.”

she smiles up at him, unlocking the door to get into the bakery. "come on, then."

it was rare that lynn ever let anyone sit in on her sunday shifts. she loves working alone and the peace that comes with having nothing but her poorly crafted spotify playlists to keep her company. it brings her back to when she’d spend summertime weekends listening to music and baking for her sisters, reminding her of how she even fell in love with baking in the first place. 

she leaves harry in her office while she changes into her baking clothes that were kept in a desk drawer. she's got pictures of amelia and jane and silas taped to her computer, and when she stood up with the folded clothes in her hands, she was reminded that she even added a photo of harry. it was one she took on the trip, and she hoped that he didn’t find it weird. they were friends after all.

“i never got to ask,” lynn’s tying the apron around her waist while harry brings out a chair from the office to join her per her own request. “how did things with oliver go?”

she selfishly hopes he comes back with a frown on his face. he’ll say it was awful. the other boy hates him. nothing good was ever going to come out of it. harry would tell her that the coffee beans he bought were just an excuse to see her, and the flowers were meant to grace her counter top. he’d kiss her like he always does, and then maybe he’d even take her out to dinner.

i mean, he had to, right? why else would he be kissing her head and calling her honey in front of nora? would he miss her and want to see her if he had oliver to keep him company?

harry rounds the corner with a grin on his face, and it wasn’t anything like his normal one. it wasn’t even like the ones that lynn had compared to luke’s sunshine smiles. he’s showing all of his perfect teeth, his dimples practically giant craters on his cheeks. harry just radiates this glow, and it’s like lynn can see the happiness seeping from his pores. he practically embodied sunshine.

“we’re seeing each other again,” lynn has to turn around to face her supply shelf when she hears the words leave his mouth. “dating each other, and seeing where things go. you know.”

“that’s so exciting, harry,” she tries her best to sound happy before she lets herself face him again.

“thanks,” he says, his sunshine smile still on his lips. “i think it’s going to be good this time.”

maybe lynn needs to schedule another emergency session with dr. agard. immediately.

harry sits in her chair, silently watching with one of his legs folded underneath him until his phone rings. the sound makes lynn jump, chocolate batter tipping over on to the counter. he apologizes through a laugh, eyes never really leaving her as he fishes through his bag for his phone.

the mess reminds lynn of when the two of them made cupcakes with the leftover ingredients from jane’s birthday cake while silas opted for a shower. she had gotten chocolate icing on her face, and harry so graciously pointed it out before kissing it off. neither of them said anything, but when lynn purposefully smeared the icing across her lips, he kissed that off, too.

lynn recounted that night hundreds of times in the wellness center and on dr. agard’s sofa. it wasn’t the first time they had kissed when they were alone, and it wasn’t the last, but it was the first time that harry kissed her like he meant it. it wasn’t just soft presses of his lips against hers. he licked and sucked, and her favorite part was when he would pull away and she could feel his opened mouth pressed against hers. there’d be a sharp inhale and then he’d kiss her again. it was like he was trying to stop himself, too weak to ever actually do so.

she wonders if the chocolate mess reminds him of that night, too.

“i’m sorry, mom,” harry has his phone pressed against his cheek. “i know…i know. i just lost track of time. i’ll be there soon.”

it’s quiet for a second, and then his soft murmurs are replaced by the sound of john’s voice blaring through the speaker. harry’s eyes widen, and every time he opens his mouth to respond, john talks right over him. lynn can’t make out much, but she can tell he’s angry, pissed, really, over gemma’s birthday cake. the coffee beans and sunflowers make sense now.

"you alright?" lynn asks when pulls the phone away from his face.

"yeah," he clears his throat. "just... fucking up like always." his words are mumbled, and he doesn’t meet her eyes. she hates that he feels this way around her. "i'm sorry, ev. i should really go before they kill me."

"do you think there's room for one more?" she's standing behind a chocolate cake that she had pulled from the display case the second she heard john’s complaining. a white happy birthday gemma written on across the top.

"evy..." his voice falls when he sees it, and lynn’s stomach flips at the nickname. she wishes he’d say it again. "you don't have to-"

"we can say i insisted on making it. opened the bakery and everything just for the cake. i'll apologize for taking so long. it'll be fine."

"you're not taking the fall. you know how my dad can be.”

she shrugs, "i don't mind. i owe it to you, really. after you had to spend every day at my side. i know how much of a chore that was."

she laughs lightly, teeth finding the inside of her cheek. lynn nervously nibbles, knowing she’s just set herself to be incredibly disappointed. she gets sick at the thought of harry dreading spending time with her. he probably woke up every day on that trip just itching to push her away from him. maybe there was a timer set on his phone, counting down the seconds until he could go home and be far away from her and with oliver instead. dropping her off probably felt like such a relief. like he could finally breathe—

"that trip didn't feel like that to me, blondie. not at all.”

"no?" she looks up at him as his words interrupt her thoughts.

"no," his smile's light, and he reaches to give her upper arm a squeeze. "let me help you clean up."

"you sure? i don’t know if we have time."

“always have time for you, remember?” she wonders if he means it. if he’ll always have time for her even when the other boy is sitting at home, waiting for him.

they take lynn’s car to harry’s parents’ house. harry offers to drop off some danishes and tarts to nora and pick up her car from the lot while she changes into her clothes from earlier, and she lets him. she lets him draw on the pastry box, too. lynn expects something corny, like a thanks a latte written in the center. instead there’s a heart, followed by a rather large l.a.+ h.s. 

her heart beats just a little faster when she sees it.

the car ride is quiet. harry’s got his phone plugged in, shuffling through a few hozier songs that play softly through her car speakers. he hums along quietly, fingers tapping against the steering wheel, and he sounds almost as pretty as he looks. 

it reminds her of the last time they saw each other. he had driven her home from the airport, and lynn spent the entire ride looking for the right moment to tell him just what the night prior meant to her. it never came, and she hadn’t seen him since.

she lets herself think about how different things would be right now if she had. maybe harry would be reaching over the center console for her hand, peppering kisses to her burning cheeks at stop lights, singing along obnoxiously to the songs that played just to annoy her. 

and even if that weren’t true, what would have happened if she had kissed him when he called her that stupid nickname instead of running away? would he have let her touch him? she knows she would’ve given him her throat, just like she had offered. lynn would’ve given him all of her. whatever he wanted, whatever he needed, he would’ve had it.

harry slamming on the brakes is what gets lynn out of her head, and she realizes that this is just what penny meant. her feelings for him grew and grew because of scenarios she made up in her mind, and honestly, she’d never know what harry really thought about that night because he was seeing oliver now. she’d be the worst person in the world if she were to ruin that.

“sorry, evelyn,” harry murmurs, and lynn realizes that he’s got his arm stretched across her chest, pressing her back in to her seat. “wasn’t paying attention. i’m sorry.”

“it’s not any worse than my driving on the way to the airport in miami,” lynn says. “you’re fine.”

harry laughs at the mention of the most stressful drive of her entire life, and then it’s quiet and hozier’s voice can be heard again. 

gemma greets lynn with a hug and a kiss on each of her cheeks. she’s grinning, and thanking her over and over again for the cake. lynn’s baking was her favorite, and she admits that she often finds herself inside of the bakery on her lunch breaks. 

“tell the cashier your name next time,” lynn says. “whatever you want from now on is on me.”

gemma waves her off with a laugh, and it reminds her of harry, “i could never. i already feel bad when nora slips me an extra shot here and there.”

nora. gemma knows nora and that’s why harry was so okay with doting on her in front of the barista. it wasn’t because he wanted to. he had to.

“really, i insist,” lynn feels harry moving behind her. his arm rests on her waist and he presses his lips to the crown of her head. “i owe it to you for showing up empty handed.”

“if anyone owes anyone anything, i should be giving something to you. it’s been forever since i’ve seen harry at one of these things, and i’m certain i owe all credit to you.”

oliver. she owes it all to oliver. it’s been over two weeks since she’s last seen him, and she wasn’t even supposed to be here.

“heeeeey,” harry whines, and his face doesn’t match his voice. instead, he’s got a big grin on it as he leans forward to hug his sister. one arm wraps around her neck and the other stays exactly where it was on lynn’s back. “happy birthday, gem. missed you.”

“i’m glad you’re here, harry,” she turns her attention back to lynn. “and you, too, lynn. thank you for the cake.”

harry guides lynn to the living room, leaving her to relax on the couch next to drew while he got them drinks. gemma’s husband is nice. he offers lynn comforting smiles and listens attentively when he asks her about herself. she’s a bit surprised when he adds in a few questions about harry, but she answers them to the best of her ability, getting the sense that harry doesn’t check in with them as much as he should. 

of course, she tells him that harry’s doing well. lynn chats about their beach vacation and even mentions how thoughtful he was when it came to the dress and dinner reservations. she says he’s attentive and kind, and she loves the way he treats her sisters. when drew asks how his classes are going, lynn’s vague with her answer, only saying that he’s doing well. she’s not entirely sure if he (or gemma) knew about harry’s recent drop out, and she definitely wasn’t going to be the one to let that out.

“i’m glad he has you,” he says it with sad eyes, making lynn furrow her brows. “he hasn’t come around much recently. i think the last time i saw him at one of gemma’s birthday celebrations, he was only seventeen.” 

lynn doesn’t have time to respond because harry’s joining them again, this time with a hard seltzer in one hand and a bottle of water in the other which he keeps for himself. drew switches his attention to harry, and it’s so obvious that the older man cares for him. he asks him questions with actual depth. there was none of that “so…how’ve you been?” bullshit that seemed to be the only thing to fall from the rest of the family’s lips. drew was actually interested in what harry had to say, and even if he wasn’t, he did a damn good job at acting like it.

if he didn’t show he cared enough through his words, his actions did. at least lynn thought so. when his grandmother walked in, her eyes fell on harry and almost immediately, a sour expression took over her face. 

“what’s he doing here?” her voice feels venomous, and lynn can feel the way harry tenses next to her when it falls on his ears. obviously, drew heard it, too. instead of giving the old woman any attention, he simply angled his body to block her out of harry’s sight and continued the conversation like nothing had happened. 

lynn wishes marianne’s mom didn’t have such an effect on him. she can see it in the way his knee bounces. there’s little beads of sweat forming on the back of his neck, and lynn bets she could hear the pounding of his heart if she were to press her ear against his chest. she felt so fucking bad for him.

so, she offers him whatever she can without drawing his attention away from the conversation with his brother-in-law. it starts with a squeeze of his hand before she takes it into her own. she lets her thumb brush against his knuckles, noticing the absence of the rings he usually wears. 

when drew gets up to help set the table, harry slides his hand to lynn’s knee. a smile forms on his lips, and he squeezes once. nothing’s said, but lynn understands it. at least she thinks she does. she kisses his cheek, and harry catches her chin before she can pull away, bringing her lips to his. their kiss isn’t anything more than a peck, but lynn can’t ignore the way the want for him begins stirring up in her belly.

“you alright?” her words are quiet, just meant for him.

“yeah,” her murmurs. “i’m glad you’re here.”

“me, too,” the shy smile forms on his face again and she soaks it up. lynn tries her best to capture this moment, hoping it’s a part of her seven minute long memory reel when she dies. even if it was just a show for his family. “c’mon. let’s go help drew.”

the dinner isn’t entirely unbearable. lynn sits between harry and his mother, and gemma and drew sit across from them. his grandmother is placed next to gemma and across from marianne, and john takes the head of the table. different conversations float throughout the group, mostly centered around gemma, and lynn’s thankful for it because every time harry’s name is mentioned, the older woman either scoffs or mutters something under her breath.

harry doesn’t seem to pay any mind to it at first. he chats with drew and once they run out of things to say, he turns to lynn, wanting to be caught up on all things jane and amelia. he lets out a dramatic gasp with his hand to his chest when lynn reveals that amelia is still texting the boy from the beach, and it makes her laugh. 

it feels like they’re in their own little world at the table as they share hushed whispers and quiet giggles with each other. it reminds her of when they went to the restaurant in florida. their conversation holds nothing of substance, and it feels like she’s actually getting to know him without some kind of depressing cloud looming over them. 

when a childhood story is shared by gemma, she learns his favorite color is yellow, he loves sunflowers (not as much as his sister does), and the two would often spend long games of hide and seek amongst the fields near his grandmother’s house. the story turns into one about the summers they spent there, and his sister recalls harry spending night after night on the floor of her bedroom after they watched monsters inc with tears in her eyes from laughing so hard.

the corners of his mouth are turned downward, and lynn hates that what’s supposed to be happy childhood memory makes him sad. she lets her chin rest on his shoulder, facing away from the rest of the group, “it sounds like your grandma loved you so much then. i’m sure she’ll come around.”

“i hope so,” he murmurs, and it makes lynn want to cry. 

“how about cake?” marianne asks, standing up from the table. 

“ooh please,” gemma says, and then turns her attention to her grandmother. “you’re going to love it, gram. lynn makes the best cakes.”

“that’s what you do?” the old woman asks. “work in a bakery?”

john laughs under his breath, and before lynn can even say something, she hears harry’s voice from behind her, “she owns the bakery.”

his grandmother only hums, and by the look on gemma’s face, lynn thinks that this is the first time he’s spoken to her in a while. her heart thumps at the assumption.

“i’ll take you one weekend,” gemma says to her grandma. “there’s a market, too. it’ll be so much fun.”

“i usually keep it closed on sunday’s,” lynn interrupts, fingers pinching at harry's cheek which earns a laugh from him. “made a special exception today with harry’s help.”

as if on cue, drew walks out with the cake, a brightly lit ‘25’ candle in the center. mari’s singing happy birthday, and the rest of the group joins in. lynn watches with envy as drew slides the cake in front of his wife and then leans forward to wrap his arms around her neck. the action makes gemma grin, and once she blows out her candles, lynn catches the “i’ve already got my wish” that she whispers to him along with a squeeze of his hand.

ugh. when will someone love her like that?

“cake looks delicious, ev,” harry gains her attention with his whisper. “thank you again.”

“y’don’t have to thank me.”

he pats her knee under the table, leaving his hand to rest there while marianne starts to cut the cake and pass around the slices. gemma gets the first, and then drew, and then she holds out a plate to her mother, who rudely puts her hand out and pushes it away.

“not if harry helped with it,” and lynn expects for someone to jump to his defense. to say something. anything. but seconds pass, and no one does.

her shock is probably evident in the way her jaw falls to the floor. even drew, who was just whining about missing harry at family functions, has his attention turned toward his hands in his lap. gemma’s pushes the dessert around on the plate, and marianne is looking sympathetically…at her mother.

“oh, come on, son. lighten up,” john breaks the silence first. “you can’t expect everyone to be so accepting of your lifestyle.”

lifestyle? harry’s touch falls from her leg, and when she looks over at him, her chest fucking aches. she can see the tears glassing over his eyes, rapid, heavy blinking keeping them from spilling over. teeth scrape over his bottom lip, and he keeps his eyes glued to the empty space in front of him.

she wants to pull him into her and tickle him with kisses until he’s a breathless, giggling mess, pushing her away just for a little gasp of air. if it were just them, lynn would let him rest his head in her lap and trace words onto his skin until he fell asleep. he’d leave the next morning with the sentence faintly bruised into his skin. i love you in hues of browns and blues.

of course, she only means it platonically right now, but maybe someday the words would hold more. she selfishly wishes that she’ll be the one to make him forget about every nasty thing his stupid family has ever said about him. that ten years from now, all he’ll know is her and her love, and even if that never happens, lynn hopes that she can prove to him that he’s more than what they make him out to be. that he deserves everything good.

or maybe he’ll find that again with oliver. it didn’t matter. as long as he got it.

“i think i saw some ice cream in the freezer,” gemma says, and then she pushes herself from the table. “i’ll go check, gram.”

“let me help you,” mari offers. she gives harry’s shoulder a squeeze when she walks past him, and lynn can see the way he curls into himself at the contact. god, she wanted to grab the woman’s hand and squeeze it until all of the bones in her fingers shattered.

minutes pass, and when lynn catches a tear finally slip down harry’s cheek, she can’t stop herself from excusing herself to see if the other women needed help. 

"it makes me sick to see the way you guys let her treat him," lynn’s not even entirely in the kitchen when the words fall from her mouth. 

"she's from a different time, lynn,” marianne defends herself, and the tone of her voice makes lynn’s skin itch. she sounds so nonchalant. how can you watch your son be visibly devastated by his grandmother’s words and not say anything?

"who gives a fuck?” she can’t help herself. “he's your son."

"and she's my mother. i could never choose between the two of them."

"except you do, and you never choose him."

"i wouldn't expect you to understand. she's-" gemma starts.

lynn scoffs, not being able to listen to the two of them a second longer, "the only thing i need to understand is the fact that he loves you guys with every fiber in his being, and you both decide to sit back and watch silently as she demeans him. you should be ashamed," she turns her attention to gemma, pointing her finger at the girl as she speaks. "especially you. harry speaks so highly of you in everything he has to say and to sit here and see the way you just turn your head at the things she has to say… i would never, ever let my grandmother talk to my little sisters like that. especially if they came here for me and no one else."

she can taste the saltiness on her lips from the tears she didn’t even realize were falling. lynn’s not sure if its the hurt from hearing these two talk about harry like that or if it’s because her chest is heaving so hard, but she aches. maybe it’s because she knows how badly it hurts, but lynn lets out a sob that she muffles with the back of her hand. she doesn’t mean to, really. harry just deserved so much better.

"can we leave?" his quiet voice behind her makes her jump.

"harry-" it’s marianne.

“yeah, of course,” she moves to him, not letting his mother finish her sentence. “let’s go.”

harry’s already carrying both of their bags in his hand so they leave without saying goodbye to anyone, and lynn couldn’t be more thankful. by the quietness filling the house, she guesses that they all heard her little outburst. maybe she should be more embarrassed by her behavior, but honestly, she doesn’t really care. 

unless harry was upset with her, and by the silence he was offering her…

"i’m sorry," she says once they’re outside. “i overstepped, and-

harry pulls her into him, the rest of her sentence dissolving into a gasp. his arms are around her waist pulling her against him so tightly, she can barely breathe. lynn feels his tears wetting the skin of her neck and the small shakes of his body with every exhale.

“thank you,” his words are pressed into her skin. “no one’s ever…thank you.”

“nothing you have to thank me for,” lynn lets her hands slide up his back until they can wrap around his neck. she’d let him hold her against him for as long as he wanted. maybe if things were real between them, she’d kiss him, too. “do you want me to take you to oliver’s?”

harry pulls away, searching her face as if her question had some kind of hidden meaning. one of her hands move to cup his cheek, thumb stretching to wipe away all of the sticky tears. his glassy eyes are just boring into hers, and lynn wishes she could take all of his pain away.

"i feel like i haven't seen you in forever, evy. could we go to yours?"

and how can she say no when he uses that name. “i have to finish up some stuff at the bakery. we can get chinese on the way if you want.”

“yeah,” harry breathes. “i would.”

so, lynn calls in their usual order at their favorite place when they’re finally in her car. it’s a good thirty minutes out of the way, but she doesn’t really care. there’s a wine store right next to it, and she thinks if she chooses the right parking spot, she could run into both of the stores without harry seeing. 

she drives with one hand on the wheel and the other hand intertwined with harry’s. her thumb runs across his knuckles while he sits in the passenger seat with his head pressed against the glass. he keeps his eyes closed, but the way he tightly grasps her hand anytime she starts to let go lets her know that he’s still awake.

the wine shop is still open when they pull into the parking lot of the little strip mall, so she runs in there first. it doesn’t take long to find the white wine section. lynn could never say no to a chilled glass of pinot grigio, and she knew that harry would happily share the bottle with her without a complaint, but throughout their week in florida, she noticed that he tended to reach for the bottle labeled citruskissed if they had it in their fridge or if they made a stop at the grocery store. so, she gets a bottle of each before making her way to the chinese restaurant. 

while lynn waits for the cashier to grab their order from the kitchen, she can’t help but wonder if harry considers this place their favorite place, too. maybe he told oliver about it, saying ‘lynn and i love this place.’ just like she did with silas. or maybe it was just his, and he mentioned his favorite restaurant to oliver.

whatever. it was a minuscule detail, and it didn’t really matter, but the thought of them sharing something in his mind makes her face warm a little. 

she slides the bags in her backseat before getting back in the car. harry was sitting up right, fingers picking at the skin on the side of his thumb like he was nervous. his eyes were teary again and his bottom lip was red and shiny with spit, probably from gnawing on it.

“i don’t want you to think i didn’t want you there,” harry says before she could even get her seatbelt on. 

“i didn’t think—”

“you did,” he interrupts. “i saw it on your face when my sister said whatever she did about you convincing me to go.”

“i didn’t convince you to go, harry. you were already going, and i practically invited myself—”

“no. no, ev,” he’s shaking his head. “you did. when i saw you with your parents, and how you didn’t let your relationship with them affect your relationship with your sisters. i thought that maybe i could do that, too, and i wanted you there, but…”

“you don’t have to explain anything to me, har,” lynn takes his hands in her own. “i get it.”

“we weren’t talking,” his brows are drawn together, and he keeps his eyes focused on the center console. “i didn’t know how to ask you. i’m just…so embarrassed of the way i let them treat me. i don’t want you to think—”

“i think you deserve better. that’s what i think,” she says. “and we’re friends, harry. i’ll always show up for you, even if we haven’t spoken in a bit.”

“you don’t have to babysit me, you know. you still have work to do tonight, and i don’t want you to feel obligated to hang out with me just because i’m sad.”

“i don’t feel like i’m babysitting you at all,” her voice is full of sincerity. “i missed you, and i want to spend time with you.”

“i’m no fun to be around right now.”

“i’m sure i wasn’t much fun to be around in florida,” lynn replies. 

“that’s different. i didn’t mind—”

“it’s the exact same thing. i don’t mind at all right now,” her finger points to the back seat. “we have dinner, and i got us our favorite wines. if this is because i asked if you wanted me to take you to oliver’s, i just thought that you’d want to be around him instead.”

“i don’t,” his voice is quiet, almost like if he said the words any louder he’d be betraying the boy. “you’re the only person i want to be around right now.”

“okay,” lynn says. “i want to be around you, too. y’dont have to push me away.”

“okay,” harry squeezes her hands once before letting go. he turns to put his seatbelt back on, and then, “is it citruskissed?”

lynn grins, “of fucking course it’s citruskissed. think better of me.”

the drive back to her bakery wasn’t as long as she remembers it to be, but maybe that was only because she spent the entirety of it trying to walk harry through using the ebay app. 

at a rather long red light, she convinced him to list some of his paintings for an outrageous price. it was a trend she had seen online. artists would list their work, and sometimes people would bid nearly five digits for them. lynn had mentioned that financial freedom from his parents might help (at least it did for her), and he was downloading the app seconds later.

the two eat their chinese food right out of the containers with plastic cups full to the brim with their wine at one of the tiny tables in the bakery’s dining area. the overhead lights are kept off, and they use the warm glow from stray lamps lynn had thrifted over the years instead.

she’s spent many long nights just like this one in her bakery. the lights were always dimmed as she ate the chinese delivery in her office. music usually quietly played from the speakers, and there was a sense of calmness that floated around the small building. lynn always loved the time she spent working late alone, but right now, she thinks she loves sharing it with harry even more.

he’s comfortable around her again, and not a second goes by that’s not taken up by one of their voices as they talk around bites of lo mein and fried rice. he tells her about his teenage years, and just how into theater he was. lynn can’t help the giggle that slips out when she pictures harry in costume on stage. 

she tries to talk him into joining the community theater, and of course, he makes a joke of it. she doesn’t want to press, but lynn thinks if he ever did decide to join, she’d be front and center at every one of his plays with a bouquet of sunflowers tucked gently underneath her seat.

“did you ever try to rekindle things with silas?” 

“what?” lynn’s fork holding a bite of lo mein stops mid air.

“sorry, it’s none of my business.”

there’s a bubble of laughter rising in her chest, and she does her best to keep it down, “you do know silas is gay, right?”

harry chokes on his sip of wine, “what?”

his eyes are wide and lynn can’t stop the laughter from spilling out. it’s such a genuine laugh that she can feel deep in her stomach. tears pool at the corner of her eyes, and when she looks over, harry is laughing softly, too.

“i can’t believe you thought that…” her fingertips press into the ache in her side that seemed to grow with each laugh. “i can’t even finish. that’s absurd, harry.”

“you two just seemed so-”

“don’t,” she holds her hand up, one last giggle leaving her lips. “you’ve said enough.”

lynn finishes pouring the forgotten chocolate batter into cupcake tins while harry cleans up their dinner mess. it’s late by now. the sun’s set, and she expects him to say he has to go after he’s finished tossing everything in the trash. he doesn’t though. instead, he brings out her office chair and watches again.

neither one of them speaks, and lynn can’t help but wonder what harry’s thinking about. every time she looks over, his face softens and a smile forms on his lips when their eyes meet. the sight of him makes her want to lay on her bed, kicking her feet like a schoolgirl as she draws little e.a. + h.s.’s inside of hearts in her notebook.

lynn’s icing the cupcakes when she lets him plug his phone into the bakery’s sound system. harry chooses hozier again, but this time lynn knows the words of work song as soon as it starts playing through the speakers.

i'm so full of love i could barely eat.

she remembers when the song was first released. she’d lay in her bed in her parents’ house listening to it with her headphones on max volume, wishing that this was the song she could relate to instead of cherry wine.

“god, harry,” lynn can’t help herself once he returns back to the kitchen. “you must be so in love with him. i’ve never heard someone listen to this much mushy music.”

harry smiles, but it’s sad. (probably from earlier.) “yeah, something like that.”

it’s nearing midnight when she puts the last of the cupcakes in the display case. harry’s moved to the table they were sitting at earlier, his face buried in his arms. lynn thinks he might only be resting, but the soft snores that sometimes bounce off of the walls of the bakery tell her otherwise.

she does her best to close everything up quietly, not wanting to wake him, and then goes to finish up the dishes. lynn’s not really sure why he decided to nap at the table instead of going home to sleep in his comfortable bed, but she isn’t complaining. she would never give up a second of time spent with harry. even if it was spent watching him nap.

thinking about the fact that there will be a day when he would rather be around oliver when he’s sad makes her stomach twist. lynn knows it would probably be best to distance herself. nothing good would come out of letting herself fall in love with him. he even said it himself when they first started this whole fake relationship. he’d do it as long as she didn’t fall in love with him, and something tells her that he’s not very keen on changing his mind.

lynn puts their half empty bottles of wine into a bag, and boxes up the chocolate cupcake she had made especially for harry to take back to his. it was a mini version of the cake she had given to gemma, only a little better. it had raspberry filling and thick cream cheese frosting, and she hoped he’d like it.

her fingers brush against his arm and move to scratch at his back, quiet murmurs of his name leaving her lips. harry offers her a sleepy smile when he lifts his head, and before thinking, lynn offers him a spot in her bed in return. she’s embarrassed for even offering, but harry accepts before she finishes her sentence.

harry takes the bags and boxes from her as she turns off the last remaining lamp and joins him outside. her keys echo in the darkness as she tries to lock the door, and after a few minutes, harry offers his phone flashlight, illuminating the lock.

they share the cupcake as soon as they get into the car. harry uses the nearby streetlight to carefully shove spoonfuls of the raspberry filling and chocolate cake into lynn’s mouth. he keeps the frosting all for himself, quiet hums of appreciation falling from his mouth with every bite. 

“still having trouble sleeping?” his words are slurred in the passenger seat of her car not even five minutes into the drive.

“not as much,” she admits. “i, um, went to a psychiatrist and got some sleeping meds.”

“yeah?” he hums. “and they work?”

“usually. not always.”

“i’m sorry,” he leans his head back against the headrest, eyes closing again. harry’s hand reaches for her's and he presses his sugary lips against the back of it like it was a normal thing for him to be doing. “y’always deserve the best sleep. i wish we could trade places… my hardworking girl.”

my girl? lynn’s thanking god that his eyes are closed because the blush from his words practically takes over her whole body. every inch of her skin is on fire, and when she catches herself in the rear view mirror, her reflection matches that of a red light. 

when lynn finally gains enough courage to look over at him, he’s fast asleep again.

✰✰✰

to be honest, harry wasn’t really expecting oliver to reply to his message. firstly, because it was sent via facebook messenger and no one under forty uses that (the only exception being to score a killer deal found on marketplace), and secondly, because the message came from harry. when the message sat on delivered for thirty six hours, he felt relieved. it meant he wasn’t going to have to face his wrong doings, and it also meant that he didn’t have to do something he wasn’t sure he was ready to do to begin with.

besides that one moment in the early days of jane’s birthday vacation, harry hadn’t thought about oliver once. instead, his thoughts were filled to the brim with blonde hair and bright blue eyes, sugary sweet lips and warm, freshly tanned skin. he couldn’t help it. lynn was just so… perfect. harry simply couldn’t get enough of her. all the shy smiles sent his way and soft kisses pressed into his skin had him thinking maybe he didn’t miss oliver after all, and the ache in his chest was nothing but a bit of guilt because he didn’t anymore.

harry would never know because the small, heavy feeling was replaced with what was like the weight of a lynn-sized brick as soon as he heard her say that she was still hung up on silas. he’d be lying if he said he didn’t expect it. the look on her face right after everything happened just said it all. the way her smile fell from her lips mid-giggle when she looked at him… it was like she realized just exactly who he was once the post-orgasm fog had faded.

the memory of it makes his chest ache. harry didn’t mean to let it go that far. he would’ve been fine with a few short kisses and an early night, but as soon as she started grinding against him, the ache to please her grew into a pit so big, it should’ve swallowed him whole from the inside out. she could’ve given him her mouth and her throat just like she had offered and nothing would’ve been as satisfying as the feeling of her clenching around his fingers. the heavy whimpers that graced his ears and the hot exhales from her staggered breaths that fanned over the skin of his neck. the way she fell into him and basked in the warmth of his soft praises. she was so perfect, and he was nothing but an idiot to think he deserved her like that. to see her in such beauty. lynn was gorgeous and kind and smart and funny and… and he was just harry.

so, after a heavy cry in the shower and a fake confession, harry texted oliver that night, and thirty seven hours later, he responded. the other boy didn’t say much, only a time and an address. harry was nearly certain that he wasn’t going to show, but when the little bell above the door rings at exactly 10am, he’s proven wrong.

“hi,” harry rushes out as soon as oliver is at his table. “thank you for coming. i got you a lavender latte.”

“i don’t drink milk,” is the first thing oliver says. no hello. no how’ve you been?, and deep down, harry knew he didn’t deserve the fake pleasantries.

“you never have. it’s oat,” and then he’s pushing his untouched latte towards the other boy. “if you don’t like that anymore, mine’s almond. take it. take both, really. i can get you something else, too, if you’d-”

“harry,” oliver’s voice is sharp. a warning almost. “what are you doing here?”

"i wanted to apologize for what i did when we were in high school."

"that's it? that could've been done over text.”

"you deserve so much more than a text message, oliver," and it was true, he did. even if harry would rather be doing anything else, he owed the boy this much.

oliver doesn’t say anything, but he’s staring at harry with a coldness in his eyes that has him on the brink of tears. maybe this is how oliver felt every time he had to pass harry in the hallways. the thought makes a lump form in his throat.

"i'm not here to clear my conscience or get on my hands and knees and beg you to take me back because what i did was horrible, but-"

"did you ever love me or was it just some kind of fucked up joke? something to laugh at in the locker room, i’m sure."

"i loved you so much, oliver. so so so much." if it were any other situation the thickness of his voice might’ve had him cringing in embarrassment. he knew that the way he treated the other was criminal, but harry never thought oliver would assume that every single part of their shared relationship was nothing but a joke for his teammates. "my dad was horrible and i know that your parents would've done anything for me, but-"

"but i wasn't worth it?"

"you were, but i was a stupid kid who wanted his dad’s approval,” harry admits. “i was so angry because why did i have to be born into that kind of family? it was unfair and i was jealous of you and your relationship with your parents and i just... i took it out on you. i'm sorry, oliver."

"okay," oliver dramatically fake yawns like he just finished watching the most boring performance ever put on. "anything else? no begging for my forgiveness? maybe you want to call me a f-”

“no!” harry’s hands slam down on the table, stopping the boy from finishing his sentence. 

oliver only smiles. “not even for old times’ sake, ma jolie?”

harry’s stomach twists at the old nickname. tears he’s been trying so hard to keep in finally spilling over. oliver started using the phrase when they were in their shared French I class. it was before they even started dating, but the two had started spending more alone time together. oliver would wake him up with the words tickling his skin, and harry let it go on for over a month before he finally caved and asked their teacher what it meant. 

my pretty.

"i already figured that we would end the way we did when your dad saw us," oliver sighs. "i just hoped you were better than that."

"god, i was so horrible, ollie. i just…,” harry’s voice falls. his fingers are gripping the edge of the table so hard, his knuckles turning white. “you know i was religious. i couldn't understand why the god i worshiped made me into something that he hated,” big, thick tears are falling from his eyes, and his nose is so snotty, he can feel it running down to his lip. the sight must’ve been crazy to the other patrons in the shop, but harry didn’t care. he’d do it a hundred times over if it meant there was a chance he could prove himself to the boy. harry really did love him.

“i would come home from school and pray on my hands and knees begging him to fix me. i wanted to be worthy of my family's love so badly. if i had met you ten years from then, knowing what i do now, you would've been more than enough. i'm sorry i didn't realize that. i wish i was better to you, oliver. but nothing i do or say now will ever make what i did go away and i'm sorry.”

"i know,” the tone of his voice matches the way his features soften. the cold stare long gone. “i forgive you.”

"you don't-"

"i'll never know what it's like to grow up like that. my roommate is going through the same thing, and i should've never expected you to face that at 17. you were just a kid."

harry doesn't know why he feels the urge to cry again, but his eyes are watering and his throat is burning. he's blinking so fast, but the tears are still pooling, and as soon as oliver sees he's moving from his side of the booth and sliding in next to harry.

he can feel the boy’s lips against his hair and the side of his head, and harry doesn't really know who initiates it, but there’s soft kisses on his lips, and it feels so nostalgic. almost like coming home.

harry presses his face into the boy's neck when they pull apart. his eyes are closed, and he is just so focused on taking oliver in. he smells different. kind of. the cheap body sprays he had purchased as a teenager were no longer there, but harry could still pick out the gain original scent stuck to his shirt.

"i'm so sorry," his words are muffled by the boy’s skin, but the way ollie runs his thumb between his shoulder blades lets him know they’re heard. god, even his touch felt the same.

"i'm glad you texted," oliver says after a moment. “and i’m sorry for being a prick earlier.”

"don’t be," harry pulls away to offer him a smile. “i deserved it.”

"i still think about you, harry,” his knuckles reach to wipe the remnants of tears stuck under harry’s eyes. "i know how everything ended, but like i said, we were kids, and you loved me in a way i don't think i'll ever experience again."

"oliver..."

"im not saying anything will come out of it, but maybe you'd like to get to know each other again?"

"yeah," harry only smiles, trying his best not to explode. "i would like that very much, oliver."

✮✮✮

lynn swallows hard at the sight of the woman sitting in front of her. she looks nearly the same as the last time she saw her years ago, the only difference being the huge, shiny rock on her ring finger and her rather large baby bump. seeing her like this feels weird, lynn thinks. 

of course, she’s happy for the woman, but lynn can’t help but feel a little bit of burning jealousy make its way up from her stomach all the way to her throat. she didn’t want to be married, and she definitely didn’t want to be pregnant, but seeing her like this… it reminded lynn of how the world continues to turn for everyone else while she still feels glued to the same spot. it was like she was in a game of monopoly, only the child who once claimed her as their piece became uninterested halfway through, and now she was forced to watch everyone pass GO a hundred times over while she sat in the tattered, old box, collecting dust.

“lynn,” dr. agard is the first to speak. “it’s nice to see you. it’s been a while.”

“three years, i think,” her voice feels so small as she leans into the plush pillows on the couch. “and evelyn’s okay now. if you want to go back to using that.”

she watches as her doctor writes a quick note, “i see. any reason for the change?”

lynn shakes her head, “not particularly. i just heard it again for the first time recently, and i don’t know. it didn’t make me cry until i threw up.”

“that’s good,” the woman smiles at her warmly, and it’s too much. lynn has to look away.

when she looks at dr. agard, she sees herself. the both of them share the same shade of blonde hair and blue eyes. the only difference being the fact that the doctor either wore hers straight or pulled away from her face in a way that never had a hair out of place. if she were to take her contacts out, lynn thinks that it would be just like looking in a mirror.

she wonders if this is what her life could have been like if anything were to have turned out just a little bit differently. maybe if peter didn’t have an affair with her au pair, she would’ve known what it was like to have two loving parents. perhaps then she wouldn’t have practically cheated on luke with her stupid neighbor. she’d have a college degree and a ring on her finger and a successful job and maybe a kid or two or three or—

when she blinks, dr. agard is looking at her expectantly. 

“i’m sorry,” lynn says. “what did you say?”

“i asked why you decided to come back.”

"i, um," she clears her throat. "well, i met someone."

"that's exciting," the woman smiles at her as her pen glides across the paper. "how long have you two been together?"

"we're not," lynn feels herself slipping away again. her fingers pick the loose thread hanging from the bottom seam on her shirt, and she moves all of her attention down there. she couldn’t look dr. agard in the eye and tell her what she’s done. "we just... i don't know. i like being around him."

"why's that?"

"he's easy to talk to, and i feel like myself when we're together," her teeth chew at the inside of her cheek. "the version of myself that i was before everything."

"lynn," her notepad comes down and she's looking at her with worried eyes. "we've talked about this. you can't put your healing in the hands of other people."

"i know, i know. it's not like that," but wasn't it? she couldn’t sleep through the night unless harry was pressed against her. she’s been home for a week, and she hasn’t been able to close her eyes without a heavy dose of melatonin (nearly twenty milligrams if anyone cares.)  "i want to do all the work because if there's ever a time that he feels the same, i want to give him the best version of myself. i don’t ever want him to feel like i rely on him."

"what do you think is going to happen if that time never comes?"

lynn would spend night after night with her face pressed into the pillow he had used a singular time until his scent went away. she’d probably wear her pretty blue dress like it was a second skin while she laid in bed trying to remember every curve of his body and every line in his skin.

she’d get on her knees, and pray to a god that she doesn’t even believe in. she’d ask him to fix it. to make harry change his mind about her. and when that wouldn’t happen, she’d probably lay on the floor with nothing but her fresh tears warming her body. she’d stay like that for hours. days maybe. and then she’d finally get up, wipe her face, and move on.

“i actually came today to see if you could maybe give me a referral for the place you sent me to last time,” lynn admits. “you know, the wellness center in connecticut.”

“i’d prefer to talk to you a bit first,” she says. “i could give you one maybe in a few sessions, but right now-”

“please,” lynn begs. “please. i feel just like i did last time.”

“how did you feel last time?”

“crazy,” it’s meant to come out as a joke, but her the tone of her voice has a bit of a serious edge to it. “i feel normal, i guess, but at the same time it’s like i’m not in control. i don’t know if it’s because i haven’t been sleeping or if it’s because of him, but i feel… not right.”

“how long have you had trouble sleeping?”

“thirteen. maybe fourteen.”

“two weeks isn’t that-”

“months,” lynn clarifies. “over a year.”

"oh, god. evelyn,” dr. agard can’t even hide the shock in her voice. her mouth is open, and the pen she’s holding makes a thump when it falls against the notebook. “why didn’t you come sooner?”

"because i felt like i could handle it," lynn smiles sheepishly. “and i didn’t realize how bad it had gotten until i met him. please, dr. agard. i wouldn’t be asking if i didn’t feel like i needed it. it helped so much last time.”

"at least you're aware," she says. "i’ll give it to you on one condition. i want you back here weekly."

“deal,” and lynn can’t help the grin that takes over face when dr. agard hands her the signed referral form.

19 AUGUST 2018

lynn parks her car a long four block walk away from the bakery. she usually starts her sunday shifts in the morning, sometimes even as early as seven. there was always an abundance of parking spaces and she loved beating the summer time farmer’s market crowd. 

however, this morning was spent in dr. agard’s manhattan office. after lynn insisted on moving her weekly sessions down there in fear of anyone seeing her, the woman asked to see her for an emergency appointment. apparently, she wanted to figure out just what lynn meant by that.

so, she didn’t want harry to see her walking into the building in the middle of their little downtown area. sue her. lynn didn’t really want anyone to see her if she were being honest. there was a little embarrassment that came with the fact that she had to go away again, and she preferred to keep it to herself. and silas. obviously. she told him everything.

the weeklong stay at connecticut’s finest wellness center was exactly what lynn needed. when she was there, her one on one therapist (her name was penny and she was lynn’s favorite) taught her some helpful techniques when it came to dealing with her crippling insomnia. none of which involved a boy with soft, brown curls and warm lips being in her bed.

penny also reassured lynn that her borderline infatuation with harry was normal. he was the first new person she felt safe around in a while, and she had to learn to separate that from her actual feelings towards him. she had also said that lynn was projecting an idea of the man she wanted him to be onto him. sure, he was kind and sweet, but that was only when he wanted to be. who’s to say that things wouldn’t go right back to how they started between them as soon as they spent some time together outside of sunny florida?

so, she didn’t love him like she had told penny on her first day there, but that didn’t mean she didn’t have a crush on him. of course she did. he’s harry.

lynn stops at her favorite coffee shop that sat a block away from her bakery. when she was understaffed and worked the night shift alone, she would trade the baristas freshly baked cupcakes for large soy milk lattes. honestly, she wasn’t really sure if the coffee was even that good. the staff was lovely and that’s all that mattered.

“lynn,” the teenage girl behind the counter named nora greets her with a smile. “i was starting to think you moved away. soy latte?”

“always, and i was just out of town for a bit,” lynn laughs, digging through her purse for her wallet. “come by after your shift and i’ll send you home with all of my fails.”

nora cheers, tapping away on the computer screen. “just two dollars today. gave you my discount.”

“i’ve got it,” lynn turns around to see harry standing behind her. he’s got two bags of coffee beans in his hand and he steps forward to set them on the counter. “these, too. thank you, nora.”

“harry,” lynn can’t stop the smile from growing on her lips. “hi.”

“hi, honey,” he gives her the close-lipped, soft smile that she absolutely adores. the one where the left side of his mouth curves just a little higher than his right. lynn leans into the warmth crawling up her neck and spreading to her cheeks, just happy that someone has this effect on her again. (she learned to appreciate the little things in connecticut, too.)

“you two know each other?” nora’s voice is quieter, and lynn thinks it’s faintly laced with shock, too.

“s’my girlfriend, nora,” harry mumbles as the machine beeps, signaling for him to take out his card. when he looks up, nora’s looking back at him with her jaw nearly on the ground. “y’alright, sweetheart? you look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“yeah, um,” lynn laughs at how flustered she gets. “when we’re bored, some of us like to ship our regulars, and-”

“ship?” harry interrupts.

“like pairing people together,” lynn lets herself rest against his shoulder. she missed him, and harry obviously wanted nora to think they were together. “romantically.”

“right. i knew that.”

“a lot of us on the morning shift thought that you two would be cute together,” nora’s face turns red at her own confession. “the girls are going to die when i tell them.”

“we are cute together, aren’t we?” his lips are lost in her hair, and lynn tries her best to remember that he’s only doing it because he has to. because they’re in this stupid, fake relationship. (penny, dr. agard, and her group therapist had all called it a bad idea.) but really, they didn’t have to pretend right now. not in front of nora. maybe harry was doing it because he simply wanted to.

the two leave the coffee shop once lynn gets her latte, and also after they stage a photo for nora to send to the work group chat. apparently, they had a monetary bet on the whole thing, and what kind of people would harry and lynn be if they didn’t help their favorite barista make an extra bit of cash. so, they shared a kiss right outside of the cafe’s big windows, and harry stuck his head back in to make sure the girl got the perfect shot.

the weather feels absolutely perfect as they walk through the nearly-over farmers market. it’s on the way to the bakery, and lynn always finds herself wandering around whenever she has a good enough excuse. sometimes, when some of the staff asks for extra hours, she lets them set up a tent full of freshly baked loaves of bread. it meant that all she had to do was wake up early and bake them, and then she was free of her work duties and could visit nearly every vendor. so, once the ingredients were paid for, lynn split the rest of the profits amongst whoever worked. it was only fair.

harry stops to purchase a bouquet of over-priced sunflowers and lynn stupidly lets herself picture them sitting on her kitchen counter in a vase. she’d put them in the crystal one she inherited from her grandmother. usually, she reserved it for flowers that silas sends her from her favorite florist, but an exception could be made for harry.

"i’m happy i ran into you," he admits when they’re just outside of the bakery. "i miss you."

she looks up at him, "yeah?"

"yeah," he confirms. "i know that trip was a lot. figured you needed your space for a little while, but i wanted to see you."

"are you free for a little bit?"

“of course,” his fingers are pinching at the sleeve of her shirt. “i’m always free for you.”

she smiles up at him, unlocking the door to get into the bakery. "come on, then."

it was rare that lynn ever let anyone sit in on her sunday shifts. she loves working alone and the peace that comes with having nothing but her poorly crafted spotify playlists to keep her company. it brings her back to when she’d spend summertime weekends listening to music and baking for her sisters, reminding her of how she even fell in love with baking in the first place. 

she leaves harry in her office while she changes into her baking clothes that were kept in a desk drawer. she's got pictures of amelia and jane and silas taped to her computer, and when she stood up with the folded clothes in her hands, she was reminded that she even added a photo of harry. it was one she took on the trip, and she hoped that he didn’t find it weird. they were friends after all.

“i never got to ask,” lynn’s tying the apron around her waist while harry brings out a chair from the office to join her per her own request. “how did things with oliver go?”

she selfishly hopes he comes back with a frown on his face. he’ll say it was awful. the other boy hates him. nothing good was ever going to come out of it. harry would tell her that the coffee beans he bought were just an excuse to see her, and the flowers were meant to grace her counter top. he’d kiss her like he always does, and then maybe he’d even take her out to dinner.

i mean, he had to, right? why else would he be kissing her head and calling her honey in front of nora? would he miss her and want to see her if he had oliver to keep him company?

harry rounds the corner with a grin on his face, and it wasn’t anything like his normal one. it wasn’t even like the ones that lynn had compared to luke’s sunshine smiles. he’s showing all of his perfect teeth, his dimples practically giant craters on his cheeks. harry just radiates this glow, and it’s like lynn can see the happiness seeping from his pores. he practically embodied sunshine.

“we’re seeing each other again,” lynn has to turn around to face her supply shelf when she hears the words leave his mouth. “dating each other, and seeing where things go. you know.”

“that’s so exciting, harry,” she tries her best to sound happy before she lets herself face him again.

“thanks,” he says, his sunshine smile still on his lips. “i think it’s going to be good this time.”

maybe lynn needs to schedule another emergency session with dr. agard. immediately.

harry sits in her chair, silently watching with one of his legs folded underneath him until his phone rings. the sound makes lynn jump, chocolate batter tipping over on to the counter. he apologizes through a laugh, eyes never really leaving her as he fishes through his bag for his phone.

the mess reminds lynn of when the two of them made cupcakes with the leftover ingredients from jane’s birthday cake while silas opted for a shower. she had gotten chocolate icing on her face, and harry so graciously pointed it out before kissing it off. neither of them said anything, but when lynn purposefully smeared the icing across her lips, he kissed that off, too.

lynn recounted that night hundreds of times in the wellness center and on dr. agard’s sofa. it wasn’t the first time they had kissed when they were alone, and it wasn’t the last, but it was the first time that harry kissed her like he meant it. it wasn’t just soft presses of his lips against hers. he licked and sucked, and her favorite part was when he would pull away and she could feel his opened mouth pressed against hers. there’d be a sharp inhale and then he’d kiss her again. it was like he was trying to stop himself, too weak to ever actually do so.

she wonders if the chocolate mess reminds him of that night, too.

“i’m sorry, mom,” harry has his phone pressed against his cheek. “i know…i know. i just lost track of time. i’ll be there soon.”

it’s quiet for a second, and then his soft murmurs are replaced by the sound of john’s voice blaring through the speaker. harry’s eyes widen, and every time he opens his mouth to respond, john talks right over him. lynn can’t make out much, but she can tell he’s angry, pissed, really, over gemma’s birthday cake. the coffee beans and sunflowers make sense now.

"you alright?" lynn asks when pulls the phone away from his face.

"yeah," he clears his throat. "just... fucking up like always." his words are mumbled, and he doesn’t meet her eyes. she hates that he feels this way around her. "i'm sorry, ev. i should really go before they kill me."

"do you think there's room for one more?" she's standing behind a chocolate cake that she had pulled from the display case the second she heard john’s complaining. a white happy birthday gemma written on across the top.

"evy..." his voice falls when he sees it, and lynn’s stomach flips at the nickname. she wishes he’d say it again. "you don't have to-"

"we can say i insisted on making it. opened the bakery and everything just for the cake. i'll apologize for taking so long. it'll be fine."

"you're not taking the fall. you know how my dad can be.”

she shrugs, "i don't mind. i owe it to you, really. after you had to spend every day at my side. i know how much of a chore that was."

she laughs lightly, teeth finding the inside of her cheek. lynn nervously nibbles, knowing she’s just set herself to be incredibly disappointed. she gets sick at the thought of harry dreading spending time with her. he probably woke up every day on that trip just itching to push her away from him. maybe there was a timer set on his phone, counting down the seconds until he could go home and be far away from her and with oliver instead. dropping her off probably felt like such a relief. like he could finally breathe—

"that trip didn't feel like that to me, blondie. not at all.”

"no?" she looks up at him as his words interrupt her thoughts.

"no," his smile's light, and he reaches to give her upper arm a squeeze. "let me help you clean up."

"you sure? i don’t know if we have time."

“always have time for you, remember?” she wonders if he means it. if he’ll always have time for her even when the other boy is sitting at home, waiting for him.

they take lynn’s car to harry’s parents’ house. harry offers to drop off some danishes and tarts to nora and pick up her car from the lot while she changes into her clothes from earlier, and she lets him. she lets him draw on the pastry box, too. lynn expects something corny, like a thanks a latte written in the center. instead there’s a heart, followed by a rather large l.a.+ h.s. 

her heart beats just a little faster when she sees it.

the car ride is quiet. harry’s got his phone plugged in, shuffling through a few hozier songs that play softly through her car speakers. he hums along quietly, fingers tapping against the steering wheel, and he sounds almost as pretty as he looks. 

it reminds her of the last time they saw each other. he had driven her home from the airport, and lynn spent the entire ride looking for the right moment to tell him just what the night prior meant to her. it never came, and she hadn’t seen him since.

she lets herself think about how different things would be right now if she had. maybe harry would be reaching over the center console for her hand, peppering kisses to her burning cheeks at stop lights, singing along obnoxiously to the songs that played just to annoy her. 

and even if that weren’t true, what would have happened if she had kissed him when he called her that stupid nickname instead of running away? would he have let her touch him? she knows she would’ve given him her throat, just like she had offered. lynn would’ve given him all of her. whatever he wanted, whatever he needed, he would’ve had it.

harry slamming on the brakes is what gets lynn out of her head, and she realizes that this is just what penny meant. her feelings for him grew and grew because of scenarios she made up in her mind, and honestly, she’d never know what harry really thought about that night because he was seeing oliver now. she’d be the worst person in the world if she were to ruin that.

“sorry, evelyn,” harry murmurs, and lynn realizes that he’s got his arm stretched across her chest, pressing her back in to her seat. “wasn’t paying attention. i’m sorry.”

“it’s not any worse than my driving on the way to the airport in miami,” lynn says. “you’re fine.”

harry laughs at the mention of the most stressful drive of her entire life, and then it’s quiet and hozier’s voice can be heard again. 

gemma greets lynn with a hug and a kiss on each of her cheeks. she’s grinning, and thanking her over and over again for the cake. lynn’s baking was her favorite, and she admits that she often finds herself inside of the bakery on her lunch breaks. 

“tell the cashier your name next time,” lynn says. “whatever you want from now on is on me.”

gemma waves her off with a laugh, and it reminds her of harry, “i could never. i already feel bad when nora slips me an extra shot here and there.”

nora. gemma knows nora and that’s why harry was so okay with doting on her in front of the barista. it wasn’t because he wanted to. he had to.

“really, i insist,” lynn feels harry moving behind her. his arm rests on her waist and he presses his lips to the crown of her head. “i owe it to you for showing up empty handed.”

“if anyone owes anyone anything, i should be giving something to you. it’s been forever since i’ve seen harry at one of these things, and i’m certain i owe all credit to you.”

oliver. she owes it all to oliver. it’s been over two weeks since she’s last seen him, and she wasn’t even supposed to be here.

“heeeeey,” harry whines, and his face doesn’t match his voice. instead, he’s got a big grin on it as he leans forward to hug his sister. one arm wraps around her neck and the other stays exactly where it was on lynn’s back. “happy birthday, gem. missed you.”

“i’m glad you’re here, harry,” she turns her attention back to lynn. “and you, too, lynn. thank you for the cake.”

harry guides lynn to the living room, leaving her to relax on the couch next to drew while he got them drinks. gemma’s husband is nice. he offers lynn comforting smiles and listens attentively when he asks her about herself. she’s a bit surprised when he adds in a few questions about harry, but she answers them to the best of her ability, getting the sense that harry doesn’t check in with them as much as he should. 

of course, she tells him that harry’s doing well. lynn chats about their beach vacation and even mentions how thoughtful he was when it came to the dress and dinner reservations. she says he’s attentive and kind, and she loves the way he treats her sisters. when drew asks how his classes are going, lynn’s vague with her answer, only saying that he’s doing well. she’s not entirely sure if he (or gemma) knew about harry’s recent drop out, and she definitely wasn’t going to be the one to let that out.

“i’m glad he has you,” he says it with sad eyes, making lynn furrow her brows. “he hasn’t come around much recently. i think the last time i saw him at one of gemma’s birthday celebrations, he was only seventeen.” 

lynn doesn’t have time to respond because harry’s joining them again, this time with a hard seltzer in one hand and a bottle of water in the other which he keeps for himself. drew switches his attention to harry, and it’s so obvious that the older man cares for him. he asks him questions with actual depth. there was none of that “so…how’ve you been?” bullshit that seemed to be the only thing to fall from the rest of the family’s lips. drew was actually interested in what harry had to say, and even if he wasn’t, he did a damn good job at acting like it.

if he didn’t show he cared enough through his words, his actions did. at least lynn thought so. when his grandmother walked in, her eyes fell on harry and almost immediately, a sour expression took over her face. 

“what’s he doing here?” her voice feels venomous, and lynn can feel the way harry tenses next to her when it falls on his ears. obviously, drew heard it, too. instead of giving the old woman any attention, he simply angled his body to block her out of harry’s sight and continued the conversation like nothing had happened. 

lynn wishes marianne’s mom didn’t have such an effect on him. she can see it in the way his knee bounces. there’s little beads of sweat forming on the back of his neck, and lynn bets she could hear the pounding of his heart if she were to press her ear against his chest. she felt so fucking bad for him.

so, she offers him whatever she can without drawing his attention away from the conversation with his brother-in-law. it starts with a squeeze of his hand before she takes it into her own. she lets her thumb brush against his knuckles, noticing the absence of the rings he usually wears. 

when drew gets up to help set the table, harry slides his hand to lynn’s knee. a smile forms on his lips, and he squeezes once. nothing’s said, but lynn understands it. at least she thinks she does. she kisses his cheek, and harry catches her chin before she can pull away, bringing her lips to his. their kiss isn’t anything more than a peck, but lynn can’t ignore the way the want for him begins stirring up in her belly.

“you alright?” her words are quiet, just meant for him.

“yeah,” her murmurs. “i’m glad you’re here.”

“me, too,” the shy smile forms on his face again and she soaks it up. lynn tries her best to capture this moment, hoping it’s a part of her seven minute long memory reel when she dies. even if it was just a show for his family. “c’mon. let’s go help drew.”

the dinner isn’t entirely unbearable. lynn sits between harry and his mother, and gemma and drew sit across from them. his grandmother is placed next to gemma and across from marianne, and john takes the head of the table. different conversations float throughout the group, mostly centered around gemma, and lynn’s thankful for it because every time harry’s name is mentioned, the older woman either scoffs or mutters something under her breath.

harry doesn’t seem to pay any mind to it at first. he chats with drew and once they run out of things to say, he turns to lynn, wanting to be caught up on all things jane and amelia. he lets out a dramatic gasp with his hand to his chest when lynn reveals that amelia is still texting the boy from the beach, and it makes her laugh. 

it feels like they’re in their own little world at the table as they share hushed whispers and quiet giggles with each other. it reminds her of when they went to the restaurant in florida. their conversation holds nothing of substance, and it feels like she’s actually getting to know him without some kind of depressing cloud looming over them. 

when a childhood story is shared by gemma, she learns his favorite color is yellow, he loves sunflowers (not as much as his sister does), and the two would often spend long games of hide and seek amongst the fields near his grandmother’s house. the story turns into one about the summers they spent there, and his sister recalls harry spending night after night on the floor of her bedroom after they watched monsters inc with tears in her eyes from laughing so hard.

the corners of his mouth are turned downward, and lynn hates that what’s supposed to be happy childhood memory makes him sad. she lets her chin rest on his shoulder, facing away from the rest of the group, “it sounds like your grandma loved you so much then. i’m sure she’ll come around.”

“i hope so,” he murmurs, and it makes lynn want to cry. 

“how about cake?” marianne asks, standing up from the table. 

“ooh please,” gemma says, and then turns her attention to her grandmother. “you’re going to love it, gram. lynn makes the best cakes.”

“that’s what you do?” the old woman asks. “work in a bakery?”

john laughs under his breath, and before lynn can even say something, she hears harry’s voice from behind her, “she owns the bakery.”

his grandmother only hums, and by the look on gemma’s face, lynn thinks that this is the first time he’s spoken to her in a while. her heart thumps at the assumption.

“i’ll take you one weekend,” gemma says to her grandma. “there’s a market, too. it’ll be so much fun.”

“i usually keep it closed on sunday’s,” lynn interrupts, fingers pinching at harry's cheek which earns a laugh from him. “made a special exception today with harry’s help.”

as if on cue, drew walks out with the cake, a brightly lit ‘25’ candle in the center. mari’s singing happy birthday, and the rest of the group joins in. lynn watches with envy as drew slides the cake in front of his wife and then leans forward to wrap his arms around her neck. the action makes gemma grin, and once she blows out her candles, lynn catches the “i’ve already got my wish” that she whispers to him along with a squeeze of his hand.

ugh. when will someone love her like that?

“cake looks delicious, ev,” harry gains her attention with his whisper. “thank you again.”

“y’don’t have to thank me.”

he pats her knee under the table, leaving his hand to rest there while marianne starts to cut the cake and pass around the slices. gemma gets the first, and then drew, and then she holds out a plate to her mother, who rudely puts her hand out and pushes it away.

“not if harry helped with it,” and lynn expects for someone to jump to his defense. to say something. anything. but seconds pass, and no one does.

her shock is probably evident in the way her jaw falls to the floor. even drew, who was just whining about missing harry at family functions, has his attention turned toward his hands in his lap. gemma’s pushes the dessert around on the plate, and marianne is looking sympathetically…at her mother.

“oh, come on, son. lighten up,” john breaks the silence first. “you can’t expect everyone to be so accepting of your lifestyle.”

lifestyle? harry’s touch falls from her leg, and when she looks over at him, her chest fucking aches. she can see the tears glassing over his eyes, rapid, heavy blinking keeping them from spilling over. teeth scrape over his bottom lip, and he keeps his eyes glued to the empty space in front of him.

she wants to pull him into her and tickle him with kisses until he’s a breathless, giggling mess, pushing her away just for a little gasp of air. if it were just them, lynn would let him rest his head in her lap and trace words onto his skin until he fell asleep. he’d leave the next morning with the sentence faintly bruised into his skin. i love you in hues of browns and blues.

of course, she only means it platonically right now, but maybe someday the words would hold more. she selfishly wishes that she’ll be the one to make him forget about every nasty thing his stupid family has ever said about him. that ten years from now, all he’ll know is her and her love, and even if that never happens, lynn hopes that she can prove to him that he’s more than what they make him out to be. that he deserves everything good.

or maybe he’ll find that again with oliver. it didn’t matter. as long as he got it.

“i think i saw some ice cream in the freezer,” gemma says, and then she pushes herself from the table. “i’ll go check, gram.”

“let me help you,” mari offers. she gives harry’s shoulder a squeeze when she walks past him, and lynn can see the way he curls into himself at the contact. god, she wanted to grab the woman’s hand and squeeze it until all of the bones in her fingers shattered.

minutes pass, and when lynn catches a tear finally slip down harry’s cheek, she can’t stop herself from excusing herself to see if the other women needed help. 

"it makes me sick to see the way you guys let her treat him," lynn’s not even entirely in the kitchen when the words fall from her mouth. 

"she's from a different time, lynn,” marianne defends herself, and the tone of her voice makes lynn’s skin itch. she sounds so nonchalant. how can you watch your son be visibly devastated by his grandmother’s words and not say anything?

"who gives a fuck?” she can’t help herself. “he's your son."

"and she's my mother. i could never choose between the two of them."

"except you do, and you never choose him."

"i wouldn't expect you to understand. she's-" gemma starts.

lynn scoffs, not being able to listen to the two of them a second longer, "the only thing i need to understand is the fact that he loves you guys with every fiber in his being, and you both decide to sit back and watch silently as she demeans him. you should be ashamed," she turns her attention to gemma, pointing her finger at the girl as she speaks. "especially you. harry speaks so highly of you in everything he has to say and to sit here and see the way you just turn your head at the things she has to say… i would never, ever let my grandmother talk to my little sisters like that. especially if they came here for me and no one else."

she can taste the saltiness on her lips from the tears she didn’t even realize were falling. lynn’s not sure if its the hurt from hearing these two talk about harry like that or if it’s because her chest is heaving so hard, but she aches. maybe it’s because she knows how badly it hurts, but lynn lets out a sob that she muffles with the back of her hand. she doesn’t mean to, really. harry just deserved so much better.

"can we leave?" his quiet voice behind her makes her jump.

"harry-" it’s marianne.

“yeah, of course,” she moves to him, not letting his mother finish her sentence. “let’s go.”

harry’s already carrying both of their bags in his hand so they leave without saying goodbye to anyone, and lynn couldn’t be more thankful. by the quietness filling the house, she guesses that they all heard her little outburst. maybe she should be more embarrassed by her behavior, but honestly, she doesn’t really care. 

unless harry was upset with her, and by the silence he was offering her…

"i’m sorry," she says once they’re outside. “i overstepped, and-

harry pulls her into him, the rest of her sentence dissolving into a gasp. his arms are around her waist pulling her against him so tightly, she can barely breathe. lynn feels his tears wetting the skin of her neck and the small shakes of his body with every exhale.

“thank you,” his words are pressed into her skin. “no one’s ever…thank you.”

“nothing you have to thank me for,” lynn lets her hands slide up his back until they can wrap around his neck. she’d let him hold her against him for as long as he wanted. maybe if things were real between them, she’d kiss him, too. “do you want me to take you to oliver’s?”

harry pulls away, searching her face as if her question had some kind of hidden meaning. one of her hands move to cup his cheek, thumb stretching to wipe away all of the sticky tears. his glassy eyes are just boring into hers, and lynn wishes she could take all of his pain away.

"i feel like i haven't seen you in forever, evy. could we go to yours?"

and how can she say no when he uses that name. “i have to finish up some stuff at the bakery. we can get chinese on the way if you want.”

“yeah,” harry breathes. “i would.”

so, lynn calls in their usual order at their favorite place when they’re finally in her car. it’s a good thirty minutes out of the way, but she doesn’t really care. there’s a wine store right next to it, and she thinks if she chooses the right parking spot, she could run into both of the stores without harry seeing. 

she drives with one hand on the wheel and the other hand intertwined with harry’s. her thumb runs across his knuckles while he sits in the passenger seat with his head pressed against the glass. he keeps his eyes closed, but the way he tightly grasps her hand anytime she starts to let go lets her know that he’s still awake.

the wine shop is still open when they pull into the parking lot of the little strip mall, so she runs in there first. it doesn’t take long to find the white wine section. lynn could never say no to a chilled glass of pinot grigio, and she knew that harry would happily share the bottle with her without a complaint, but throughout their week in florida, she noticed that he tended to reach for the bottle labeled citruskissed if they had it in their fridge or if they made a stop at the grocery store. so, she gets a bottle of each before making her way to the chinese restaurant. 

while lynn waits for the cashier to grab their order from the kitchen, she can’t help but wonder if harry considers this place their favorite place, too. maybe he told oliver about it, saying ‘lynn and i love this place.’ just like she did with silas. or maybe it was just his, and he mentioned his favorite restaurant to oliver.

whatever. it was a minuscule detail, and it didn’t really matter, but the thought of them sharing something in his mind makes her face warm a little. 

she slides the bags in her backseat before getting back in the car. harry was sitting up right, fingers picking at the skin on the side of his thumb like he was nervous. his eyes were teary again and his bottom lip was red and shiny with spit, probably from gnawing on it.

“i don’t want you to think i didn’t want you there,” harry says before she could even get her seatbelt on. 

“i didn’t think—”

“you did,” he interrupts. “i saw it on your face when my sister said whatever she did about you convincing me to go.”

“i didn’t convince you to go, harry. you were already going, and i practically invited myself—”

“no. no, ev,” he’s shaking his head. “you did. when i saw you with your parents, and how you didn’t let your relationship with them affect your relationship with your sisters. i thought that maybe i could do that, too, and i wanted you there, but…”

“you don’t have to explain anything to me, har,” lynn takes his hands in her own. “i get it.”

“we weren’t talking,” his brows are drawn together, and he keeps his eyes focused on the center console. “i didn’t know how to ask you. i’m just…so embarrassed of the way i let them treat me. i don’t want you to think—”

“i think you deserve better. that’s what i think,” she says. “and we’re friends, harry. i’ll always show up for you, even if we haven’t spoken in a bit.”

“you don’t have to babysit me, you know. you still have work to do tonight, and i don’t want you to feel obligated to hang out with me just because i’m sad.”

“i don’t feel like i’m babysitting you at all,” her voice is full of sincerity. “i missed you, and i want to spend time with you.”

“i’m no fun to be around right now.”

“i’m sure i wasn’t much fun to be around in florida,” lynn replies. 

“that’s different. i didn’t mind—”

“it’s the exact same thing. i don’t mind at all right now,” her finger points to the back seat. “we have dinner, and i got us our favorite wines. if this is because i asked if you wanted me to take you to oliver’s, i just thought that you’d want to be around him instead.”

“i don’t,” his voice is quiet, almost like if he said the words any louder he’d be betraying the boy. “you’re the only person i want to be around right now.”

“okay,” lynn says. “i want to be around you, too. y’dont have to push me away.”

“okay,” harry squeezes her hands once before letting go. he turns to put his seatbelt back on, and then, “is it citruskissed?”

lynn grins, “of fucking course it’s citruskissed. think better of me.”

the drive back to her bakery wasn’t as long as she remembers it to be, but maybe that was only because she spent the entirety of it trying to walk harry through using the ebay app. 

at a rather long red light, she convinced him to list some of his paintings for an outrageous price. it was a trend she had seen online. artists would list their work, and sometimes people would bid nearly five digits for them. lynn had mentioned that financial freedom from his parents might help (at least it did for her), and he was downloading the app seconds later.

the two eat their chinese food right out of the containers with plastic cups full to the brim with their wine at one of the tiny tables in the bakery’s dining area. the overhead lights are kept off, and they use the warm glow from stray lamps lynn had thrifted over the years instead.

she’s spent many long nights just like this one in her bakery. the lights were always dimmed as she ate the chinese delivery in her office. music usually quietly played from the speakers, and there was a sense of calmness that floated around the small building. lynn always loved the time she spent working late alone, but right now, she thinks she loves sharing it with harry even more.

he’s comfortable around her again, and not a second goes by that’s not taken up by one of their voices as they talk around bites of lo mein and fried rice. he tells her about his teenage years, and just how into theater he was. lynn can’t help the giggle that slips out when she pictures harry in costume on stage. 

she tries to talk him into joining the community theater, and of course, he makes a joke of it. she doesn’t want to press, but lynn thinks if he ever did decide to join, she’d be front and center at every one of his plays with a bouquet of sunflowers tucked gently underneath her seat.

“did you ever try to rekindle things with silas?” 

“what?” lynn’s fork holding a bite of lo mein stops mid air.

“sorry, it’s none of my business.”

there’s a bubble of laughter rising in her chest, and she does her best to keep it down, “you do know silas is gay, right?”

harry chokes on his sip of wine, “what?”

his eyes are wide and lynn can’t stop the laughter from spilling out. it’s such a genuine laugh that she can feel deep in her stomach. tears pool at the corner of her eyes, and when she looks over, harry is laughing softly, too.

“i can’t believe you thought that…” her fingertips press into the ache in her side that seemed to grow with each laugh. “i can’t even finish. that’s absurd, harry.”

“you two just seemed so-”

“don’t,” she holds her hand up, one last giggle leaving her lips. “you’ve said enough.”

lynn finishes pouring the forgotten chocolate batter into cupcake tins while harry cleans up their dinner mess. it’s late by now. the sun’s set, and she expects him to say he has to go after he’s finished tossing everything in the trash. he doesn’t though. instead, he brings out her office chair and watches again.

neither one of them speaks, and lynn can’t help but wonder what harry’s thinking about. every time she looks over, his face softens and a smile forms on his lips when their eyes meet. the sight of him makes her want to lay on her bed, kicking her feet like a schoolgirl as she draws little e.a. + h.s.’s inside of hearts in her notebook.

lynn’s icing the cupcakes when she lets him plug his phone into the bakery’s sound system. harry chooses hozier again, but this time lynn knows the words of work song as soon as it starts playing through the speakers.

i'm so full of love i could barely eat.

she remembers when the song was first released. she’d lay in her bed in her parents’ house listening to it with her headphones on max volume, wishing that this was the song she could relate to instead of cherry wine.

“god, harry,” lynn can’t help herself once he returns back to the kitchen. “you must be so in love with him. i’ve never heard someone listen to this much mushy music.”

harry smiles, but it’s sad. (probably from earlier.) “yeah, something like that.”

it’s nearing midnight when she puts the last of the cupcakes in the display case. harry’s moved to the table they were sitting at earlier, his face buried in his arms. lynn thinks he might only be resting, but the soft snores that sometimes bounce off of the walls of the bakery tell her otherwise.

she does her best to close everything up quietly, not wanting to wake him, and then goes to finish up the dishes. lynn’s not really sure why he decided to nap at the table instead of going home to sleep in his comfortable bed, but she isn’t complaining. she would never give up a second of time spent with harry. even if it was spent watching him nap.

thinking about the fact that there will be a day when he would rather be around oliver when he’s sad makes her stomach twist. lynn knows it would probably be best to distance herself. nothing good would come out of letting herself fall in love with him. he even said it himself when they first started this whole fake relationship. he’d do it as long as she didn’t fall in love with him, and something tells her that he’s not very keen on changing his mind.

lynn puts their half empty bottles of wine into a bag, and boxes up the chocolate cupcake she had made especially for harry to take back to his. it was a mini version of the cake she had given to gemma, only a little better. it had raspberry filling and thick cream cheese frosting, and she hoped he’d like it.

her fingers brush against his arm and move to scratch at his back, quiet murmurs of his name leaving her lips. harry offers her a sleepy smile when he lifts his head, and before thinking, lynn offers him a spot in her bed in return. she’s embarrassed for even offering, but harry accepts before she finishes her sentence.

harry takes the bags and boxes from her as she turns off the last remaining lamp and joins him outside. her keys echo in the darkness as she tries to lock the door, and after a few minutes, harry offers his phone flashlight, illuminating the lock.

they share the cupcake as soon as they get into the car. harry uses the nearby streetlight to carefully shove spoonfuls of the raspberry filling and chocolate cake into lynn’s mouth. he keeps the frosting all for himself, quiet hums of appreciation falling from his mouth with every bite. 

“still having trouble sleeping?” his words are slurred in the passenger seat of her car not even five minutes into the drive.

“not as much,” she admits. “i, um, went to a psychiatrist and got some sleeping meds.”

“yeah?” he hums. “and they work?”

“usually. not always.”

“i’m sorry,” he leans his head back against the headrest, eyes closing again. harry’s hand reaches for her's and he presses his sugary lips against the back of it like it was a normal thing for him to be doing. “y’always deserve the best sleep. i wish we could trade places… my hardworking girl.”

my girl? lynn’s thanking god that his eyes are closed because the blush from his words practically takes over her whole body. every inch of her skin is on fire, and when she catches herself in the rear view mirror, her reflection matches that of a red light. 

when lynn finally gains enough courage to look over at him, he’s fast asleep again.

✰✰✰