Sad Ɓīťčḥ Central

Now that I'm employed, at least that weight is off my shoulders, but I do have to be honest. I feel like im still lacking so much right now. It took me cursing out the universe to finally get employed and would hate to make a habit of that even if it was effective. Why can't things just flow to me easily like it does for others?

You know what I hate most about having a personality disorder as well as trying to navigate it and teach others about it? I'm beginning to believe we aren't the issue, yes we are at disposition to reactions because we are more emotional than the average person, but the one thing I've noticed is that we are always blamed for our reactions. Nobody stops to ask themselves what they did to us to make us react that way? We are automatically deemed the bad guys. It's always, "I have to walk on eggshells with you." NO. YOU DON'T. You just don't understand how much of a fucking dick you are and this society is so focused on themselves they just talk however they want. Borderline Personality Disorder is literally growing up with everyone violating our boundaries/feelings/invalidation and we never learned to have them,process, deal so yes we can tend to violate others boundaries without meaning to because we aren't aware that others are different we assume that's how everyone is because that's how we were raised, but they legit walk all OVER US more often than not. But we're the bad guys because we tend to "pop off" at them and call them out for the same things they do to us. I have often found more books on how to help people deal with US, like we are the abusive people, and it paints this picture that we are literal demons when we are ABUSED survivors struggling to adjust in society that paints themselves as the victims.

Maybe I am a failure. Maybe I'm not worthy of anything. I can't get a job, nobody is in love with me, and my own family and friends are too busy for me these days. I don't feel important or like im valued at all. I just feel like im taking up space. God ignores my internal pleas and I refuse to get down on my knees and pray to him and subject myself. It feels like a narcissistic relationship at this point.