The Girl In The Past
As I sit outside, looking at my surroundings with the sun's warmth peering down on me, it’s cooled down by the wind, making the perfect temp. I sat on the porch next to a place I used to call home, a place I used to feel at home. I pluck a leaf off a plant by my feet, as I fold it and turn it between my fingers, I think. I think about the girl that once lived in that house, that lived within its gray wall which are now white. I think and wonder about her, she, who was so worried about everyone and what they thought of her. She, who changed how she was to fit in with people she called family and friends. I look down the road opposite of the house now, at a stop sign. I thought about her again but this time in a memory, she and her mother walked out so her mom could catch something in her game on her phone. A phone her mother must have long forgotten about. It was late that night the sun was gone but the street lights were on. They laughed and joked about everything and anything that night, they were close but she remembered the girl not having to be someone else in that moment, she was herself. They walked to the stop sign and back, still laughing. I look back at the house, I remembered her dancing in the rain in the front yard, no music was playing. She felt free. I look around as I think about her and wonder what she would think about me. Would she be happy that I finally cut her hair the same hair she loved but hated so much more? Would she be mad that I dislike the color pink, the color she’d loved so much? But I wonder if she would despise me, she, who cared about so much, she, who picked everyone's happiness then hers. But I don’t know who’s happiness to pick nor do I know how to pick mine. I, who can feel myself caring but wanting to stop. Would she despise me, but I know how many times she cried over her own decision to stay away from her home. I know how much she hurt then. But if I told her about who I am now, I think she would be disappointed. But before I can come up with an answer it's time to leave. I got up, leaving my thoughts and leaving her, the girl I once was behind.
