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The neurodivergent urge to do this

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Apropos of nothing, your older self doesn't hate you.

I've been writing fanfic for a decade now and in that time I have made some certifiably hot garbage. Hell, I remember how embarrassed I was going back and rereading my first fic six months after. I was so convinced when I'd finished it that it was the greatest thing I would ever make, and I reread it and it sucked. I wanted to cry because I was so proud of something so very bad. Proud enough to show my parents, who probably stopped reading after finding out I fridged them (sorry guys, but I was a literal child and couldn't think of anything else to explain why this character that totally wasn't me was alone).

So yeah. Made some shit, thought it was gold, came back later and realized it was, in fact, shit.

And then I kept going.

I remember thinking I should just give up, that I'd never make anything worthwhile, on and on and on. I wasn't so deep in that I had the creative bug, I could have gone back to just having adventures with characters in my head, like I'd been doing since I started getting ready bedtime stories. Part of me reasoned it was for the best that I did. Another part that loves to dig in it's heels about anything that sounds reasonable said that I had to be able to do better than that. So I sat back down at my desk, and I started typing, and I realized that what I made this time wasn't as bad.

I obviously look back and cringe, because I was terrible at writing back then. I fridged everyone's parents, and I kept putting in song lyrics, and I had stupid inane plot points that could have been solved way easier than how I wrote them. But write them I did. Over and over and again and again until when I went back to reread things months or years later, I thought it was actually pretty decent.

I love to write. I have been genuinely plagued by stories since I learned what they were, and allowing myself to tell them brings me so much joy and relief that I can't string together the words to express it all. If I can do nothing else, I can write.

My younger self gave that to me. Because of a million reasons I don't remember and because they knew they could do better if they kept trying. Every time I sit down to write, I think about them. About how they're the reason I have so many half finished stories that I need to complete. How they're the reason those stories exist at all.

Every time I write, I thank that weirdo little kid who just wanted to get the stories out so they could think again. It didn't work. I hope they'd love the stories I write now. I know they don't know this, but I wish I could tell them I loved them.

#damn it's well after midnight #no wonder I'm getting emotional over a me that's a decade gone #curse you random video about creation for making me feel this way #I was supposed to be doing the dishes dammit

quietwingsinthesky

like the betrayal’s always going to be worse if they cared about you and it didn’t matter. someone discards you because they didn’t give a shit, then you can be angry about that, you can feel vindicated in that, you can get over it. but if they can look you in the eyes and say “I love you. I would make the same choice again.” You will never sleep peacefully again, is all.

quietwingsinthesky

“I thought they cared about me, but they were lying this whole time.” <- tired. boring. removes all the nuance of this relationship to make it easier to move on from.

“I thought they cared about me, and I was right, and every minute they were there for me, every time they said they were proud, every laugh we shared leaning against each other bruised and breathless, all of it was real. and they still left me behind. They could put their love aside. I couldn’t.” <- insane. will never leave you alone. reminds you that even the worst people are still people and can still care about even the ones they hurt the most and that undoes neither the harm nor the love.

quietwingsinthesky

okay. something about the way i worded this is making people think this is a vent thing about real relationships. and it’s fine if that’s where it took you. but i feel like i need to be transparent here: this be blorboposting. karlach cliffgate and her terrible awful no good very bad betrayal.

quietwingsinthesky

they are seasoning my fucking post with unknown herbs. beefleaf. the fuck’s a beefleaf. why are you putting that in the stew.

bunnyboilewd

@the-stew-goblin what's a beefleaf and does it go in the stew of loving betrayal?

the-stew-goblin

I don't know that's scary

sneevil-28

It's a type of boat from ancient wizard china or something

headspace-hotel

I’ve been reading about werewolves on Wikipedia and I just have to say. “Werewolves are warriors that descend into hell to fight demons” kicks unbelievable amounts of ass as a concept

mariana-oconnor

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that the werewolves were on his side...

#the werewolves are on their own sides #to get belly rubs after fighting demons #and I am going to oblige them

headspace-hotel

I’ve been reading about werewolves on Wikipedia and I just have to say. “Werewolves are warriors that descend into hell to fight demons” kicks unbelievable amounts of ass as a concept

mariana-oconnor

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that the werewolves were on his side...

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adurot

I have just learned that Mountain Goats are NOT, in fact, actual Goats.

adurot

I have never heard of this band. I AM in fact referring to the animal.

adurot

But wait, there’s more!

adurot

biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist

wtf this is MY timeloop u can't be in here

ailithnight

Yeah, yeah. You said that last loop.

biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist

and I'll say it again get the FUCK OUTTA MY LOOP!!!

allthingswhumpyandangsty

hey so. don’t do this.

“coming from a place of respect” there is nothing respectful about a comment like this. this is exactly why I say witch hunt, speculations and accusations harm the writing community as much as ai does, if not more.

I am not saying “you’re an asshole if you think a fic is ai”. I have come across fics that I believe were ai-generated. but instead of asking (accusing) the authors, I make my own decisions whether I’ll continue reading for the benefit of the doubt or quietly exit the fics and look for something else to read.

because with every accusation like this, there’s always a chance of a genuine, innocent writer getting wrongly accused.

last but not least, fanfic writers do NOT owe you anything. they write for themselves and their own enjoyment. their ao3 accounts are their houses and they were kind enough to let you in their houses. for free. (you get to read things for free.) you don’t go into other people’s houses and tell them “actually I think the way you decorate your room is sus. did you actually do it yourself or did you ask a robot to do it for you?”. THEY 👏🏻 DON’T 👏🏻 OWE 👏🏻 YOU 👏🏻 ANYTHING. and I say this as someone who is not a fan of ai fics. if you don’t like what you’re seeing, quietly leave.

*the following is not about the fic in this specific post. in general, I still strongly believe people who let ai write for them should tag their works as ai accordingly. but if we want more people to be honest about it, we’ll have to stop shaming and harassing people who actually tag their ai-generated fics accordingly. harassment is never justified. not to mention, it will only make “ai writers” refrain from tagging their ai-generated works as such. and then there’s no way for anyone to know for absolute certainty if it’s ai. therefore the raise of witch hunt.

thej0ry

What would you do if you were scrolling through recommended tumblr posts and one was from someone you don't know and it was just a picture of your dad captioned "fucking hate this guy" and it had hundreds of notes

meshugenist

reblog it

lastoneout

Sorry we really went from free the nipple, take back the night, slut walks, and ending gender/sex segregation in sports being fucking milquetoast feminism 101 concepts to fucking girl dinner and "I just worry about fairness if we let trans girls play against cis ones" and "it was right of that woman to call the cops on a black man for existing near here in public during the day time because men are all violent monsters" and "radical feminism isn't transphobic we just need to kill all men including trans ones those oppressive traitors" and I will legit never be able to be normal about it. What the FUCK happened. I'd say I wonder what the feminists of my youth would say about this but I'm one and lemme tell ya I want to throw up. Go fucking read bell hooks or do something else useful please because all of this learned helplessness, gender essentialism, and transphobia dressed up as feminism is actively holding us back.

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morallygrayautisticscientist

Grace: Stratt please. I want to live. I’m scared, I don’t want to die. Please. Eva.

Grace: I am astro-NOT up for this.

Stratt:

Stratt: Ha, that’s actually a good one. I like that. Anyway-

Stratt, into radio: Get the tasers.

the-haiku-bot

Grace: Stratt please. I want

to live. I’m scared, I don’t want

to die. Please. Eva.

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

chubs-deuce

They should invent a kind of day that has more day in it, like at least three times the amount of day

raccoonmilf

If the only thing that has kept you going was outliving Mitch McConnell, imma need yall to pick a new person to outlive and fast. Your mission is not over.

raccoonmilf

Umm hello??? Do u have the death note @sharkgalaxy????

sharkgalaxy

cant believe i have to pick another person to outlive already

captain-price-returns

They’re calling it the quote on British politics that ended the need for all other quotes

scavengedluxury

ashubii

This is why I have TikTok

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riseofthecommonwoodpile

you make one fucking post where the point is “women are encouraged to develop disordered eating from a very young age and that impacts how we view the ‘natural’ size and shape of women” and too many reblogs later i am being accused of saying short people wouldn’t exist if they ate better growing up. i’m sorry but if you genuinely think i was saying that you are just a buffoon. i cannot and will not sanction your buffoonery.

infertilityidol

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