Bookworm With A Brush

So, you know the whole ‘seven older brothers’ thing? Well, one of them works for the Sheriff’s office. Well, Jack just got off-shift, and the first thing he does is call me up to say that Zelena West’s been arrested!

It’s devastating the treatment these two have gotten from Zelena... they’re both wonderful people and really don’t deserve this. It’s excellent that these allegations have finally come to light and she has been brought into custody before she can hurt anyone else. While emotional abuse might not always be seen by people as a serious matter, it can have very lasting consequences for those affected. I just hope Rum and Robin are going to be alright with the possible lengthy proceedings if this does end up going to court or elsewhere- I’ve heard it can be a long process, but at least they can be relieved to know that she’s behind bars.

As you’ve probably seen from other posts, I’ve communicated with the mods, and the sideblogs will be going on hiatus until further notice, due to events that are about to unfold in Friendships and Fandoms proper. 

We’re entering a pretty hectic period in the F&F characters’ lives, and I don’t want anyone getting ahead of the game or jumping to conclusions, so for that reason I’ve asked the sideblogs to press pause for a little while. So any burning comments for the sideblogs, just store them away safely until the mini-hiatus is over, and normal service will be resumed. Hopefully it should not take more than a couple of weeks as this enforced hiatus is a good incentive for me to keep writing. 

***************

“Isn’t he adorable!” Lacey squealed.

“No,” yelled the crew of the Aurora Borealis.

The beast that Lacey had somehow hauled aboard the ship snarled. It was the size of an Earth elephant with three eyes and a long muzzle with sharp teeth. Its black and brown scale covered pricks nearly poked Snow’s eye out when she entered the control room.

“What is that thing?!” said Hook. He hid behind the control panel, less the beast could shoot out his pricks.

“It’s…It’s… Stila what is this?” asked Lacey.

Dr. Stiltskin had just returned from the med bay to see the large beast his wife had brought it. His mouth was agape. “L- Lacey that’s a Porcuitor! They eat human-like creatures! WHY DO YOU THINK THIS PLANET IS UNINHABITED???!!!”

“But he’s cute,” Lacey pouted.

“Off my ship! Get it off! Get it off!” Hook screamed, “I’m too young and sexy to be eaten. Eat the Doc!”

Stiltskin glared at the Captain, then looked back at Lacey. “Sweetheart, you already have 17 other pets on this ship. You don’t need this one!”

The Porcuitor lunged at Officer Snow. Officer Snow jumped backward, tripping over the chair leg.

“Drexel just wants to play. And he was all alone out there,” said Lacey.

“Because he ate everyone else!” shouted Charming from behind the door post.

“Stila!” Lacey whined.

The back doors to the control room slid open. Miss Greenie ran in in a panic. “Oh, Lacey! All your pets escaped. Walsh lowered accidentally lowered the door, and they all burst out.”

“No!” cried Lacey.

“Yes,” said Greenie, “They just got out. I don’t think they got too far.” Greenie smirked.

Stiltskin realized what was going on. “Lacey, wait. Don’t you…”

The Porcuitor cut off Stiltskin by shooting a rather large prick at him. It barely missed Stiltskin’s head, landing in the seat of Hook’s captain’s chair.

“That was real Vulcan leather!” shouted Hook. The beast responded by snorting goo from its nose all over Officer Snow’s map screen.

“On second thought, go ahead, love.” said Stiltskin.

“I have to get my babies back Stila!” said Lacey. “Come Drexel!” Lacey bopped the creature’s nose. It roared, but followed her out of the room.

All was silent for a moment. The room was a disaster zone with snot and papers everywhere. Greenie picked up her radio. “Is she gone yet?”

The radio crackled. “The loon has migrated. I repeat the loon has migrated,” said Tink from the other end.

In the background, Greenie could hear Lacey yell “I will find you Senor Fluffins!”

“Go! Go! Go!” shouted Greenie.

Officer Snow ran to her chair and, despite the snot, picked a new location. Walsh had orders to close the door as soon as Lacey was out of the vicinity. Gus had fired the engines, leaving them prepared for Hook to blastoff immediately.

I believe you have fundamentally misunderstood Lacey’s level of intelligence. May I give you a more correct interpretation of Lacey’s pet-acquiring habits?

They had only been on the planet’s surface for two hours, and already Lacey had somehow made friends with a small winged creature that had greeted them on arrival, nearly biting Hook’s nose off before spotting Lacey and gliding over to nibble from the handful of trail mix she had offered. It was now sitting on her shoulder, making a mix between a purr and a chirping noise, with a sharp hiss at anyone other than himself or Leyah who approached her. 

“You really need to stop making a habit of this, Lace.” Stiltskin remarked as they continued their walk towards the village. “How many small animals have you broken the hearts of so far?”

“I’ve had to leave friends behind on the last nine out of ten planets, Stila, and all because the captain will not let any animals on board that act hostile towards him. It’s his fault he doesn’t know how to appear non-threatening or how to make friends with the local wildlife.” She reached up a hand slowly to pet the creature’s head, and it rubbed its face against her palm with another purring chirp. “You, little one, will probably have to stay here, I’m sorry to say. Hook’s got final say on who gets on board, unless you manage to sneak on. What do you think, poochums? Are you a sneaky little stowaway?”

The animal chirped, before turning and hissing at Miss Greenie, whose hand was a few inches from its fluffy tail. The diplomat bid a hasty retreat, and the creature settled back on Lacey’s shoulder again, ruffling its wings before nuzzling her hair. She petted it once more, and they continued their walk to the village, her new companion chirping as they went.

***

“LACEY STILTSKIN, SO HELP ME IF ANOTHER ONE OF THESE HOSTILE CREATURES GETS ON BOARD MY SHIP WITHOUT MY PRIOR CONSENT I WILL THROW YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND OFF AT THE NEXT PLAN-

AH! OWW! HSSS! GET OFF ME YOU STUPID- AAAAAAH!”

Miss Greenie struggled to push aside the large orange leaves of the Preciporous tree. When they drew straws for partners on this resupplying mission, Greenie had hoped she would draw Dr. Stiltskin.

Instead, she go his estranged wife, Lacey. The couple had been having marital issues since the Aurora was sucked into the wormhole seven months ago. Lacey had been in pain. They had no useful job for her on the ship, so Greenie was kind enough to offer to let the woman help her with translations and learning about the native races in whatever galaxy they were in.

That had been a mistake. Lacey constantly gaffed Greenie’s translations, often resulting in some sort of unintended insult, which Greenie would have to patch up.

And for someone who claimed to be a librarian back on Earth, Lacey was highly unorganized. She constantly misplaced the documents pertaining to local species and was inept at searching the Aurora’s database for climate descriptions and planet histories.

Now, they were searching for water on Gastonia.

Greenie cut down a large leaf, beyond which a pool of sparkling blue water rested.

“Finally!” cried Lacey.

A large Gastonian burst forth from its cave next to the bond. It had black slick fur. It was a handsome creature, roughly the size of a barge.

The creature licked its paws, then padded toward the pond.

Lacey began walking toward the pool.

“Wait!” whispered Greenie, yanking Lacey back by the shoulder.

“What?” asked Lacey, rubbing her shoulder.

“Let’s find another pond. Gastonians are very protective of what they perceive as theirs.”

“But he’s just a giant Teddy Bear,” said Lacey. “A Teddy Bear with a long fluffy red tail.”

“It’s not just ponds they’re protective over. They keep anything they like,” said Greenie.

She grabbed Lacey’s hand and began pulling her back toward the forest.

“No. I’m tired and thirsty. I can make friends with this beast. It’s what I’m good at,” Lacey smirked. She pulled her hand out of Greenie’s gloved grip, and walked back to the pond.

Greenie groaned, but watched from the distance. At first, Lacey seemed to do well. She approached the creature slowly, spoke kindly to it, petted it’s furry head, and was able to fill up a few canteens from her pack with water.

She waved for Greenie to come closer, but she didn’t budge. There had to be another pond close by with less risk.

Lacey placed the canteens back in her pack. She patted the beast on it’s muzzle. “I have to go now. You be a good beastie.” She took one step before the Gastonian pulled her back down.

“Ha ha. Very funny. I have to get back home though. My husband and his crew are waiting for me.” Lacey stood up again. This time the Gastonian picked Lacey up around the waste. It waddled back on its hind paws. Lacey kicked. “Let go of me you fluffy oaf! Greenie!!!” The beast carried Lacey back to its cave.

*cracks knuckles*

@chrissykp, I believe you mentioned wanting to see Miss Greenie getting eaten?

Lacey crept through the jungle as silently as possible, carefully stepping to avoid breaking twigs or crunching leaves. It was imperative if they were to escape the planet’s surface alive that they make it past the Drexel’s lair undetected.

Too bad she was stuck with the one member of the crew who hadn’t listened to Officer Charming’s tutorial on moving stealthily through woodlands. She froze as Miss Greenie’s foot landed on what must have been the most brittle twig in the forest, the snap almost echoing through the silent trees.

A roar sounded, not twenty feet away, and with a few loud stomps the creature appeared through the trees, spikes raised menacingly.

Lacey stayed stock still, and prayed her companion would do the same. It wandered over and gave her a cursory sniff, before turning to the trembling form of her companion. Its trunk hovered near the diplomat’s shoulder as it sniffed her, and she let out a squeak of terror and stepped back.

The surface of the new planet was unlike anything the crew of the Aurora Borealis had experienced before. The surface was smooth and soft, almost rubbery. It was a bright yellow, and nothing seemed to live here. Commander Leyah had dubbed it Pac-topia.

Still, the computer had indicated that there were signs of life on this planet, so the Captain had dispatched Greenie, Lacey, and Lieutenant Charming to scope the surface.

Lacey had insisted on bringing a long a book. She hardly glanced up from it as Charming led the group north.

Greenie regretted wearing heels. Despite the smooth surface, her feet were beginning to ache. SHe was falling behind relatively quickly.

“Wait up!” she called.

Charming came to halt. “Hurry up, Vera. The handheld is indicating a source of water close by.”

Lacey had continued walking, oblivious to her surroundings.

A subtle shift in the ground happened. Charming fell over as Greenie managed to stand back up, only to be knocked down again as the ground opened.

Somehow, Lacey remained unaware of the shift, and kept walking. Straight to the chasm.

“Lacey!” cried Charming and Greenie.

But she couldn’t hear them. She walked right over the edge flailing and screaming. The chasm closed again.

Stiltskin didn’t quite know what to make of the newest addition to Lacey’s collection, a small lizard with scales like his currently nestled in her arms.

“How did you manage to get another pet?” He asked.

She shrugged. “A nice man called Richard traded him and some vital medicines we needed for some help building a shelter for his pet dragon.”

He nodded, then did a double take. “Sorry- pet dragon?”

She nodded, rocking the small lizard in her arms. “Yep. This is one of its babies. I’m thinking of calling him Eustace, what do you think?”

He nodded absent mindedly. “And what are you planning on doing with him if he reaches the traditional size of a dragon?”

She gave a hum of uncertainty. “I’m sure someone on the way would like a pet dragon. I can housetrain him. Eustace is going to be a very good dragon, aren’t you, sweetie?” She tickled the lizard on the nose, and Stila huffed quietly, but not quietly enough for Lacey not to notice. She set Eustace down on the table and walked over to pull him into her arms.

***************

“Isn’t he adorable!” Lacey squealed.

“No,” yelled the crew of the Aurora Borealis.

The beast that Lacey had somehow hauled aboard the ship snarled. It was the size of an Earth elephant with three eyes and a long muzzle with sharp teeth. Its black and brown scale covered pricks nearly poked Snow’s eye out when she entered the control room.

“What is that thing?!” said Hook. He hid behind the control panel, less the beast could shoot out his pricks.

“It’s…It’s… Stila what is this?” asked Lacey.

Dr. Stiltskin had just returned from the med bay to see the large beast his wife had brought it. His mouth was agape. “L- Lacey that’s a Porcuitor! They eat human-like creatures! WHY DO YOU THINK THIS PLANET IS UNINHABITED???!!!”

“But he’s cute,” Lacey pouted.

“Off my ship! Get it off! Get it off!” Hook screamed, “I’m too young and sexy to be eaten. Eat the Doc!”

Stiltskin glared at the Captain, then looked back at Lacey. “Sweetheart, you already have 17 other pets on this ship. You don’t need this one!”

The Porcuitor lunged at Officer Snow. Officer Snow jumped backward, tripping over the chair leg.

“Drexel just wants to play. And he was all alone out there,” said Lacey.

“Because he ate everyone else!” shouted Charming from behind the door post.

“Stila!” Lacey whined.

The back doors to the control room slid open. Miss Greenie ran in in a panic. “Oh, Lacey! All your pets escaped. Walsh lowered accidentally lowered the door, and they all burst out.”

“No!” cried Lacey.

“Yes,” said Greenie, “They just got out. I don’t think they got too far.” Greenie smirked.

Stiltskin realized what was going on. “Lacey, wait. Don’t you…”

The Porcuitor cut off Stiltskin by shooting a rather large prick at him. It barely missed Stiltskin’s head, landing in the seat of Hook’s captain’s chair.

“That was real Vulcan leather!” shouted Hook. The beast responded by snorting goo from its nose all over Officer Snow’s map screen.

“On second thought, go ahead, love.” said Stiltskin.

“I have to get my babies back Stila!” said Lacey. “Come Drexel!” Lacey bopped the creature’s nose. It roared, but followed her out of the room.

All was silent for a moment. The room was a disaster zone with snot and papers everywhere. Greenie picked up her radio. “Is she gone yet?”

The radio crackled. “The loon has migrated. I repeat the loon has migrated,” said Tink from the other end.

In the background, Greenie could hear Lacey yell “I will find you Senor Fluffins!”

“Go! Go! Go!” shouted Greenie.

Officer Snow ran to her chair and, despite the snot, picked a new location. Walsh had orders to close the door as soon as Lacey was out of the vicinity. Gus had fired the engines, leaving them prepared for Hook to blastoff immediately.

I believe you have fundamentally misunderstood Lacey’s level of intelligence. May I give you a more correct interpretation of Lacey’s pet-acquiring habits?

They had only been on the planet’s surface for two hours, and already Lacey had somehow made friends with a small winged creature that had greeted them on arrival, nearly biting Hook’s nose off before spotting Lacey and gliding over to nibble from the handful of trail mix she had offered. It was now sitting on her shoulder, making a mix between a purr and a chirping noise, with a sharp hiss at anyone other than himself or Leyah who approached her. 

“You really need to stop making a habit of this, Lace.” Stiltskin remarked as they continued their walk towards the village. “How many small animals have you broken the hearts of so far?”

“I’ve had to leave friends behind on the last nine out of ten planets, Stila, and all because the captain will not let any animals on board that act hostile towards him. It’s his fault he doesn’t know how to appear non-threatening or how to make friends with the local wildlife.” She reached up a hand slowly to pet the creature’s head, and it rubbed its face against her palm with another purring chirp. “You, little one, will probably have to stay here, I’m sorry to say. Hook’s got final say on who gets on board, unless you manage to sneak on. What do you think, poochums? Are you a sneaky little stowaway?”

The animal chirped, before turning and hissing at Miss Greenie, whose hand was a few inches from its fluffy tail. The diplomat bid a hasty retreat, and the creature settled back on Lacey’s shoulder again, ruffling its wings before nuzzling her hair. She petted it once more, and they continued their walk to the village, her new companion chirping as they went.

***

“LACEY STILTSKIN, SO HELP ME IF ANOTHER ONE OF THESE HOSTILE CREATURES GETS ON BOARD MY SHIP WITHOUT MY PRIOR CONSENT I WILL THROW YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND OFF AT THE NEXT PLAN-

AH! OWW! HSSS! GET OFF ME YOU STUPID- AAAAAAH!”

Miss Greenie struggled to push aside the large orange leaves of the Preciporous tree. When they drew straws for partners on this resupplying mission, Greenie had hoped she would draw Dr. Stiltskin.

Instead, she go his estranged wife, Lacey. The couple had been having marital issues since the Aurora was sucked into the wormhole seven months ago. Lacey had been in pain. They had no useful job for her on the ship, so Greenie was kind enough to offer to let the woman help her with translations and learning about the native races in whatever galaxy they were in.

That had been a mistake. Lacey constantly gaffed Greenie’s translations, often resulting in some sort of unintended insult, which Greenie would have to patch up.

And for someone who claimed to be a librarian back on Earth, Lacey was highly unorganized. She constantly misplaced the documents pertaining to local species and was inept at searching the Aurora’s database for climate descriptions and planet histories.

Now, they were searching for water on Gastonia.

Greenie cut down a large leaf, beyond which a pool of sparkling blue water rested.

“Finally!” cried Lacey.

A large Gastonian burst forth from its cave next to the bond. It had black slick fur. It was a handsome creature, roughly the size of a barge.

The creature licked its paws, then padded toward the pond.

Lacey began walking toward the pool.

“Wait!” whispered Greenie, yanking Lacey back by the shoulder.

“What?” asked Lacey, rubbing her shoulder.

“Let’s find another pond. Gastonians are very protective of what they perceive as theirs.”

“But he’s just a giant Teddy Bear,” said Lacey. “A Teddy Bear with a long fluffy red tail.”

“It’s not just ponds they’re protective over. They keep anything they like,” said Greenie.

She grabbed Lacey’s hand and began pulling her back toward the forest.

“No. I’m tired and thirsty. I can make friends with this beast. It’s what I’m good at,” Lacey smirked. She pulled her hand out of Greenie’s gloved grip, and walked back to the pond.

Greenie groaned, but watched from the distance. At first, Lacey seemed to do well. She approached the creature slowly, spoke kindly to it, petted it’s furry head, and was able to fill up a few canteens from her pack with water.

She waved for Greenie to come closer, but she didn’t budge. There had to be another pond close by with less risk.

Lacey placed the canteens back in her pack. She patted the beast on it’s muzzle. “I have to go now. You be a good beastie.” She took one step before the Gastonian pulled her back down.

“Ha ha. Very funny. I have to get back home though. My husband and his crew are waiting for me.” Lacey stood up again. This time the Gastonian picked Lacey up around the waste. It waddled back on its hind paws. Lacey kicked. “Let go of me you fluffy oaf! Greenie!!!” The beast carried Lacey back to its cave.

*cracks knuckles*

@chrissykp, I believe you mentioned wanting to see Miss Greenie getting eaten?

Lacey crept through the jungle as silently as possible, carefully stepping to avoid breaking twigs or crunching leaves. It was imperative if they were to escape the planet’s surface alive that they make it past the Drexel’s lair undetected.

Too bad she was stuck with the one member of the crew who hadn’t listened to Officer Charming’s tutorial on moving stealthily through woodlands. She froze as Miss Greenie’s foot landed on what must have been the most brittle twig in the forest, the snap almost echoing through the silent trees.

A roar sounded, not twenty feet away, and with a few loud stomps the creature appeared through the trees, spikes raised menacingly.

Lacey stayed stock still, and prayed her companion would do the same. It wandered over and gave her a cursory sniff, before turning to the trembling form of her companion. Its trunk hovered near the diplomat’s shoulder as it sniffed her, and she let out a squeak of terror and stepped back.

The surface of the new planet was unlike anything the crew of the Aurora Borealis had experienced before. The surface was smooth and soft, almost rubbery. It was a bright yellow, and nothing seemed to live here. Commander Leyah had dubbed it Pac-topia.

Still, the computer had indicated that there were signs of life on this planet, so the Captain had dispatched Greenie, Lacey, and Lieutenant Charming to scope the surface.

Lacey had insisted on bringing a long a book. She hardly glanced up from it as Charming led the group north.

Greenie regretted wearing heels. Despite the smooth surface, her feet were beginning to ache. SHe was falling behind relatively quickly.

“Wait up!” she called.

Charming came to halt. “Hurry up, Vera. The handheld is indicating a source of water close by.”

Lacey had continued walking, oblivious to her surroundings.

A subtle shift in the ground happened. Charming fell over as Greenie managed to stand back up, only to be knocked down again as the ground opened.

Somehow, Lacey remained unaware of the shift, and kept walking. Straight to the chasm.

“Lacey!” cried Charming and Greenie.

But she couldn’t hear them. She walked right over the edge flailing and screaming. The chasm closed again.

Stiltskin didn’t quite know what to make of the newest addition to Lacey’s collection, a small lizard with scales like his currently nestled in her arms.

“How did you manage to get another pet?” He asked.

She shrugged. “A nice man called Richard traded him and some vital medicines we needed for some help building a shelter for his pet dragon.”

He nodded, then did a double take. “Sorry- pet dragon?”

She nodded, rocking the small lizard in her arms. “Yep. This is one of its babies. I’m thinking of calling him Eustace, what do you think?”

He nodded absent mindedly. “And what are you planning on doing with him if he reaches the traditional size of a dragon?”

She gave a hum of uncertainty. “I’m sure someone on the way would like a pet dragon. I can housetrain him. Eustace is going to be a very good dragon, aren’t you, sweetie?” She tickled the lizard on the nose, and Stila huffed quietly, but not quietly enough for Lacey not to notice. She set Eustace down on the table and walked over to pull him into her arms.

***************

“Isn’t he adorable!” Lacey squealed.

“No,” yelled the crew of the Aurora Borealis.

The beast that Lacey had somehow hauled aboard the ship snarled. It was the size of an Earth elephant with three eyes and a long muzzle with sharp teeth. Its black and brown scale covered pricks nearly poked Snow’s eye out when she entered the control room.

“What is that thing?!” said Hook. He hid behind the control panel, less the beast could shoot out his pricks.

“It’s…It’s… Stila what is this?” asked Lacey.

Dr. Stiltskin had just returned from the med bay to see the large beast his wife had brought it. His mouth was agape. “L- Lacey that’s a Porcuitor! They eat human-like creatures! WHY DO YOU THINK THIS PLANET IS UNINHABITED???!!!”

“But he’s cute,” Lacey pouted.

“Off my ship! Get it off! Get it off!” Hook screamed, “I’m too young and sexy to be eaten. Eat the Doc!”

Stiltskin glared at the Captain, then looked back at Lacey. “Sweetheart, you already have 17 other pets on this ship. You don’t need this one!”

The Porcuitor lunged at Officer Snow. Officer Snow jumped backward, tripping over the chair leg.

“Drexel just wants to play. And he was all alone out there,” said Lacey.

“Because he ate everyone else!” shouted Charming from behind the door post.

“Stila!” Lacey whined.

The back doors to the control room slid open. Miss Greenie ran in in a panic. “Oh, Lacey! All your pets escaped. Walsh lowered accidentally lowered the door, and they all burst out.”

“No!” cried Lacey.

“Yes,” said Greenie, “They just got out. I don’t think they got too far.” Greenie smirked.

Stiltskin realized what was going on. “Lacey, wait. Don’t you…”

The Porcuitor cut off Stiltskin by shooting a rather large prick at him. It barely missed Stiltskin’s head, landing in the seat of Hook’s captain’s chair.

“That was real Vulcan leather!” shouted Hook. The beast responded by snorting goo from its nose all over Officer Snow’s map screen.

“On second thought, go ahead, love.” said Stiltskin.

“I have to get my babies back Stila!” said Lacey. “Come Drexel!” Lacey bopped the creature’s nose. It roared, but followed her out of the room.

All was silent for a moment. The room was a disaster zone with snot and papers everywhere. Greenie picked up her radio. “Is she gone yet?”

The radio crackled. “The loon has migrated. I repeat the loon has migrated,” said Tink from the other end.

In the background, Greenie could hear Lacey yell “I will find you Senor Fluffins!”

“Go! Go! Go!” shouted Greenie.

Officer Snow ran to her chair and, despite the snot, picked a new location. Walsh had orders to close the door as soon as Lacey was out of the vicinity. Gus had fired the engines, leaving them prepared for Hook to blastoff immediately.

I believe you have fundamentally misunderstood Lacey’s level of intelligence. May I give you a more correct interpretation of Lacey’s pet-acquiring habits?

They had only been on the planet’s surface for two hours, and already Lacey had somehow made friends with a small winged creature that had greeted them on arrival, nearly biting Hook’s nose off before spotting Lacey and gliding over to nibble from the handful of trail mix she had offered. It was now sitting on her shoulder, making a mix between a purr and a chirping noise, with a sharp hiss at anyone other than himself or Leyah who approached her. 

“You really need to stop making a habit of this, Lace.” Stiltskin remarked as they continued their walk towards the village. “How many small animals have you broken the hearts of so far?”

“I’ve had to leave friends behind on the last nine out of ten planets, Stila, and all because the captain will not let any animals on board that act hostile towards him. It’s his fault he doesn’t know how to appear non-threatening or how to make friends with the local wildlife.” She reached up a hand slowly to pet the creature’s head, and it rubbed its face against her palm with another purring chirp. “You, little one, will probably have to stay here, I’m sorry to say. Hook’s got final say on who gets on board, unless you manage to sneak on. What do you think, poochums? Are you a sneaky little stowaway?”

The animal chirped, before turning and hissing at Miss Greenie, whose hand was a few inches from its fluffy tail. The diplomat bid a hasty retreat, and the creature settled back on Lacey’s shoulder again, ruffling its wings before nuzzling her hair. She petted it once more, and they continued their walk to the village, her new companion chirping as they went.

***

“LACEY STILTSKIN, SO HELP ME IF ANOTHER ONE OF THESE HOSTILE CREATURES GETS ON BOARD MY SHIP WITHOUT MY PRIOR CONSENT I WILL THROW YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND OFF AT THE NEXT PLAN-

AH! OWW! HSSS! GET OFF ME YOU STUPID- AAAAAAH!”

Miss Greenie struggled to push aside the large orange leaves of the Preciporous tree. When they drew straws for partners on this resupplying mission, Greenie had hoped she would draw Dr. Stiltskin.

Instead, she go his estranged wife, Lacey. The couple had been having marital issues since the Aurora was sucked into the wormhole seven months ago. Lacey had been in pain. They had no useful job for her on the ship, so Greenie was kind enough to offer to let the woman help her with translations and learning about the native races in whatever galaxy they were in.

That had been a mistake. Lacey constantly gaffed Greenie’s translations, often resulting in some sort of unintended insult, which Greenie would have to patch up.

And for someone who claimed to be a librarian back on Earth, Lacey was highly unorganized. She constantly misplaced the documents pertaining to local species and was inept at searching the Aurora’s database for climate descriptions and planet histories.

Now, they were searching for water on Gastonia.

Greenie cut down a large leaf, beyond which a pool of sparkling blue water rested.

“Finally!” cried Lacey.

A large Gastonian burst forth from its cave next to the bond. It had black slick fur. It was a handsome creature, roughly the size of a barge.

The creature licked its paws, then padded toward the pond.

Lacey began walking toward the pool.

“Wait!” whispered Greenie, yanking Lacey back by the shoulder.

“What?” asked Lacey, rubbing her shoulder.

“Let’s find another pond. Gastonians are very protective of what they perceive as theirs.”

“But he’s just a giant Teddy Bear,” said Lacey. “A Teddy Bear with a long fluffy red tail.”

“It’s not just ponds they’re protective over. They keep anything they like,” said Greenie.

She grabbed Lacey’s hand and began pulling her back toward the forest.

“No. I’m tired and thirsty. I can make friends with this beast. It’s what I’m good at,” Lacey smirked. She pulled her hand out of Greenie’s gloved grip, and walked back to the pond.

Greenie groaned, but watched from the distance. At first, Lacey seemed to do well. She approached the creature slowly, spoke kindly to it, petted it’s furry head, and was able to fill up a few canteens from her pack with water.

She waved for Greenie to come closer, but she didn’t budge. There had to be another pond close by with less risk.

Lacey placed the canteens back in her pack. She patted the beast on it’s muzzle. “I have to go now. You be a good beastie.” She took one step before the Gastonian pulled her back down.

“Ha ha. Very funny. I have to get back home though. My husband and his crew are waiting for me.” Lacey stood up again. This time the Gastonian picked Lacey up around the waste. It waddled back on its hind paws. Lacey kicked. “Let go of me you fluffy oaf! Greenie!!!” The beast carried Lacey back to its cave.

*cracks knuckles*

@chrissykp, I believe you mentioned wanting to see Miss Greenie getting eaten?

Lacey crept through the jungle as silently as possible, carefully stepping to avoid breaking twigs or crunching leaves. It was imperative if they were to escape the planet’s surface alive that they make it past the Drexel’s lair undetected.

Too bad she was stuck with the one member of the crew who hadn’t listened to Officer Charming’s tutorial on moving stealthily through woodlands. She froze as Miss Greenie’s foot landed on what must have been the most brittle twig in the forest, the snap almost echoing through the silent trees.

A roar sounded, not twenty feet away, and with a few loud stomps the creature appeared through the trees, spikes raised menacingly.

Lacey stayed stock still, and prayed her companion would do the same. It wandered over and gave her a cursory sniff, before turning to the trembling form of her companion. Its trunk hovered near the diplomat’s shoulder as it sniffed her, and she let out a squeak of terror and stepped back.

Greenie currently has no canon back story, mainly because I’m not invested in her enough as a character to give her one, so you can let your imaginations run riot in that respect.

She’s a perfectly competent diplomat. She’s not amazing and her style of relationship management is not going to work on everyone, but she would not have got where she is if she didn’t have a solid grounding in her work. She’s certainly not as wonderful as she thinks she is, but she’s perfectly good at what she does. I’d give her a 3.5 out of 5. Nicely average. 

She’s thought of mainly as the comic relief character because she’s just not used to life aboard a ship; she’s used to the luxury and perks of living in consulates and embassies with diplomatic immunity.