do you yahoo?

Charlotte’s bespectacled face appears in the camera. She’s almost a carbon copy of her younger brother, minus the height. Even their glasses match.

“Hey, Cam! What’s up?”

Cameron flops onto his couch, scratching Ody’s ears from where the dog is curled up by the armrest. 

“About our holiday plans…there’s been a slight adjustment.”

“Are you not able to host?” Charlotte raises an eyebrow. “Because if you can’t, then you could always just come here.”

“No, I’m still hosting. I just invited someone to join us. That’s okay, right?”

“Of course! Who did you invite?” His dad mock-gasps. “Did you finally meet someone? Why didn’t you tell us?”

“Chill, Dad. Cameron has, like, zero game.” Charlotte snickers through the speaker. “There’s no way he got someone to date him already.”

“First of all, ouch. Secondly, the person I invited is someone you guys already know.”

“Well, who is it?”

“It’s…um…it’s Tanner.” Cameron winces as soon as the words leave his mouth. Despite repeatedly assuring Tanner that his family has no grudges against him, there’s a great deal of enmity toward the poor guy within the Chau household.

“Tanner? Tanner Jackson? The kid that broke your heart and left you friendless? Surely you can’t mean that Tanner.” Mr. Chau rubs the bridge of his nose where his wire-rimmed glasses rest. 

“No, yeah. I meant Tanner Jackson.”

“Cam, are you serious?” Charlotte splutters. “Don’t you remember how—”

“I know you guys have your reservations about him. I mean, believe me, I didn’t trust him at all at first! But he’s changed for the better. It’s like…he’s the same person I met ten years ago, before all the bad stuff happened.”

“But he hurt you so much,” Charlotte insists. “How can you trust him after everything he did?”

“He apologized for it all. And I accepted it, because I can see how much he’s changed. He’s lighter now. Happier. He doesn’t push me away anymore. If anything, I’m the one who’s been distant, not him.” He sighs. “I’m not asking you guys to be his biggest fans. You don’t even have to get him a gift. Just…please be open-minded. And please be nice!”

“Aiya, of course we will be nice.” Mr. Chau shrugs. “But don’t expect me to roll out the red carpet for him. After all that boy has done, he’ll be lucky to get out of the door without a beating.”

“As long as you let him in the house,” Cameron mutters.

3:41 pm, December 22, 2024

“So you’re sure that your family is cool with me spendin’ Christmas with y’all?” Tanner twirls a candy cane between his fingers like he’s trying to perform a magic trick. “I mean, not to dig up the past, but I don’t have a great track record with them.”

Odysseus thumps his tail from his bed in the corner, as if affirming Tanner’s point.

“I’m sure. I just called them. They’re cool with it.” Cameron takes a thoughtful sip of his green tea. “I mean, I wouldn’t say they were enthusiastic, per se, but they’re complacent.”

“You and your fancy words.” Tanner rolls his eyes. “I swear you’re compensating for something with them.”

“Hey, I invited you over to help me decorate, not to psychoanalyze me.” He tosses Tanner a string of red beads. “Now hang these on the tree while I go find the rest of the ornaments.” 

“You’re taller than me anyway,” Tanner grumbles, “dunno why I have to do all the heavy lifting ‘round here.”

“Those ornament boxes weigh, like, a billion pounds. Your spine would break if you tried to carry them.”

“You callin’ me a twink?”

“I’m not not calling you a twink,” Cameron teases. “It’s okay. We’ve all been there. No need to be embarrassed.”

“Who said I was embarrassed? And besides, I remember when you used to be skinnier than a pine needle. Not my fault that you shot up a foot since high school. How does anyone even hit a growth spurt that late? Are you on steroids?”

“I just eat my fruits and vegetables.”

“Right. Your organic free-trade fruits and vegetables from the farmer’s market that were, like, harvested by virgins under the full moon on the winter solstice.”

“Actually, they’re from 99 Ranch and I have to drive half an hour to get them every week.”

“I thought it was Ranch 99,” Tanner teases, knowing exactly how much that pisses Cameron off. He gets the reaction he’s hoping for, because Cameron turns around with a glare.

“Get the fuck out of my house.”

5:27 pm, December 23, 2024

“Fuck, I’m nervous. Am I supposed to be this nervous?” Tanner gnaws at his fingernails like a beaver. “What if they hate me?”

“If it’s any consolation, I don’t think you can make them hate you any more than they already do.” Cameron tugs at the collar of his frosty blue sweater. “But seriously, just be yourself and it’ll be fine.”

“Being myself is exactly what I think is gonna make them hate me!”

“You’re so dramatic.”

“No, I’m serious!”

“It doesn’t matter that much, Tanner. They’re gonna leave in a couple of days.”

“It matters to me,” Tanner insists. “I want to make a good impression, you know? Show them that I’ve changed.”

“It’ll be obvious to them. I mean, you even look like a whole new person.”

“In a good way or a bad way?”

“Good.” Tanner feels a small bit of victory when he sees the slight blush dusting Cameron’s cheeks. “Really good. You look more like…like yourself, I guess. You grew up a lot.”

“Grow up or glow up?”

“Both.”

Okay, nervousness officially eradicated. Cameron basically said he’s hot. This is a new high for him.

The doorbell rings. They stumble over each other’s feet in their scramble to get to the door, but Cameron gets there first. He opens it hastily, plastering a wide grin on his face.

Mr. Chau’s hair has more gray in it now, and a few of his wrinkles have deepened, but overall he’s aged very gracefully. He wears a thick jacket and pants that look like they might be made out of pure canvas. If he stepped out of them, they would probably stand up of their own accord.

Charlotte is pretty much the same as always. Same scowl. Same choppy black bangs and round glasses. She’s leaned away from the emo-adjacent look and into that other style (twee, maybe) with barrettes in her hair and a gray polka-dot coat on her shoulders. 

“Dad! Charlie!” Cameron pulls them both into a hug. “So good to see you guys!”

Odysseus runs in circles around the two newcomers, barking with excitement and wagging his tail so hard that Tanner wonders if it’ll sprain.

“Merry Christmas, Cameron!” 

“Missed you, didi.”

Tanner’s never been given a death stare by a father and daughter all at once, but he’s definitely getting it now. Charlotte’s eyes have a malice in them that you can only find in Eastern European gay porn, and Mr. Chau’s kind brown eyes are twisted with pure disdain.

It’s gonna be a long weekend.

“Guys, you remember Tanner, right?” Cameron laughs awkwardly. “It’s been a while since you guys last saw each other, huh? Doesn’t he look great?”

“Hello, Tanner.” Charlotte says his name like it’s a slur. “It’s Christmas.”

“You mean Merry Christmas, right?” Cameron winces.

“No. No, I don’t think I do.”

“Charlotte, be polite.” Mr. Chau pats his daughter on the back. “Tanner, you look exhausted. Adult life treating you rough?”

Even Tanner knows that he’s trying to say you look like shit.

“Hi, guys. How’s it going? Merry Christmas.” Tanner waves politely, because he will be the bigger person and look mature in front of Cameron even if he doesn’t quite fit the part yet. At all. “Yeah, work’s been a little crazy. Still getting used to the new job. You know how it is.”

Charlotte makes the excuse of using the bathroom and pushes past the three men (and the 80-pound Bernese mountain dog) with her suitcase in hand.

“Ah, working life. I’m glad to be retired.” Mr. Chau stretches his wrinkled hands over his head. “Of course, I worked very hard to save up for these years. Have you given any thought to the subject, Tanner?”

Nice try. Clearly, Mr. Chau is expecting the same devil-may-care teenager that broke his son’s heart ten years ago, but that guy is long gone. Tanner came prepared. 

“Actually, yes. I’ve been setting some money aside every year, but to be quite honest, I love teaching. I don’t think I’d retire unless I were unable to continue working.” Tanner shrugs. “Besides, I’m only twenty-six. There’s a long time before I shelve my boots.”

“Well, that’s…a very responsible outlook.” Mr. Chau squints at him with suspicious eyes. “I see my son has rubbed off on you.”

“No, I didn’t.” Cameron shoots Tanner a look of gleaming approval. “But I’m not surprised. Tanner’s smarter than he looks.”

“Gee, thanks.”

Cameron laughs and places a hand on Tanner’s shoulder.

“I’m just messing with you.” He glances over at his father. “Dad, want some coffee?”

“Why not?” Mr. Chau shrugs his coat off his shoulders. “Also, where should I set my suitcase?”

“I can get it,” Tanner declares, eager to help however he can. He extends his hand, but the older man pulls back. 

“No, it’s all right. I’ll do it myself. Don’t go to any trouble.” 

Cameron purses his lips for a moment before pointing down the hall. “You’re taking my room, and Charlotte’s in the guest room. I’ll sleep on the couch.” He watches his father head down the hall, suitcase in hand, before turning back to Tanner. It’s just them in the room now, and Tanner feels every inch of the space between them.

“So…looks like they still kinda hate me.”

“Tanner, I am so sorry about them. I’m gonna talk to them, I promise. Actually, I tried to talk to them before you got here, but maybe I need to make myself more clear.” Cameron scratches the hair at the nape of his neck, unable to make eye contact over his glasses. “You don’t have to stay.”

“You know I’m not here for them, right?” Tanner tilts his head. “I came for you. I want to be around you. I don’t care what your family thinks—I mean, I do, because I want to make you happy, but the only thing that’ll get me to leave is if you ask me to.” He sucks in a sharp breath, meeting Cameron’s careful gaze. His dark eyes are practically unreadable, not for a lack of emotion, but for a whirlwind of it. “Are you…are you going to ask me to leave?”

“You kidding? Of course not.” Cameron’s grinning. “If you wanna stay with me—I mean, if you want to stay, then I want that too.”

“I do want to stay.”

Cameron shakes his head then, laughing softly to himself. Tanner thinks it might be the most beautiful he’s ever heard.

“I want you to stay too,” he reiterates, and then a mischievous smile flickers across his face. “Mostly ‘cause I need some help with dinner.”

“Nice to know that you had zero ulterior motive.”

“How’re we on time?” Cameron checks his watch. “Is the soup almost ready?”

“Pretty hard to fuck up minestrone,” Tanner replies, giving the pot a careful stir. “I’d say give it five minutes. Those potatoes ain’t done yet.”

“Can you hold down the fort while I entertain my family?”

“Say less.” He pretends not to notice how Tanner’s eyes linger as he pulls his sleeves back down from where they were originally rolled up. “It’s not like I can burn soup.”

“I wouldn’t put it past you,” Cameron teases.

He floats outside the tiny kitchen area and into the living room, where his family is taking serious advantage of his HGTV subscription. ‘Fixer Upper’ seems to be a much more pressing issue than Tanner’s return.

“So, was all the passive aggression back there a figment of my imagination, or did you guys do that on purpose?” 

“What do you mean, son?”

“You know exactly what I mean!” Cameron rolls his eyes, rubbing the bridge of his nose from under his glasses. “‘You look exhausted?’ Why don’t you just tell him you want him to get run over by a semitruck?”

“Okay, fine. Bring him over here and I’ll tell him that.”

“Dad,” Cameron groans. “I asked one thing from you guys, and you can’t even give me that?”

“It’s a lot to ask, Cam.” Charlotte tilts her head to the side. “I mean, just look at his crimes and it’s clear that—”

“He was a stupid teenager back then! He was in the closet and he wasn’t ready yet. It’s not like we lived in the most accepting place in the world. Sooner or later, something would’ve separated us.” 

“I can’t believe that you can just move past everything that happened,” Charlotte argues.

“It’s not like I forgot it. I remember every second—every last bit of it—but I’ve moved on. The past is the past, and there’s nothing I can do to change it. But what I can do is make the best of the present.” Cameron pauses to take in the shame on his family’s faces. He casts them one more warning glance before turning around. “If I were you two, I’d do the same.”

Tanner’s waiting for him in the kitchen, the minestrone already in bowls with soft bread to complement it. His smile is sweet and warm, like coming home after a cold day. He smells like spices. It’s fucking ridiculous how domestic Tanner looks, how much it makes Cameron blush to see him like this. Why now? Why this exact moment? 

This crush is so ten years ago. Here he is, thinking he’s changed, but he’s the exact same person who fell head over heels for Tanner a decade ago. A little taller, a lot older, but apparently not much wiser. Fucking idiot. 

“Thanks for getting everything ready,” Cameron stammers. Tanner shrugs.

“Figured I’d make myself useful.” He grins teasingly. “Y’know, considering that you just chewed out your family for my sake.”

“Please pretend you didn’t hear that.” 

“Hear what?” Tanner takes two bowls in his hands. “I didn’t hear nothin’.”

“Didn’t hear anything,” Cameron corrects.

“Whatever. Smart-ass.”

They bring the bowls to the table. Odysseus sneaks under Cameron’s chair, curling up in his usual spot. Charlotte stirs from her place on the couch at the smell of food, notices Tanner standing there, and visibly wrinkles her nose. Great. Just what Cameron needs.

“Dinner’s ready,” Cameron mutters. His family takes the two seats opposite of Tanner. Cameron sits next to his friend, across from his sister.

“This looks delicious, Cameron.” His father smiles good-naturedly from his position diagonal to his son. 

“Who knew Cam could cook?” Charlotte brandishes her wooden spoon like a cutlass. “Last I remembered, all you knew how to make was frozen dumplings and toast.”

“I’ll have you know I’ve been practicing. And Tanner also helped a bit.”

Charlotte’s grin fades.

“I mean, it looks fine, I guess.”

Cameron kicks her under the table. 

“Ow! Okay, fine. It looks delicious.”

For a good few minutes, things go relatively smoothly. Cameron notices Tanner holding back in the conversation, but it doesn’t really matter because he’s so busy catching up with his family.

“That must be really stressful with all the budget cuts,” Charlotte acknowledges after Cameron mentions it. “You said something about fundraising?”

“Uh, yeah.” Cameron glances at Tanner. “We tried to raise some money, but nobody showed up to the event. I’ve been so busy lately that I haven’t had time to work on it, anyway. AP Lit and all that.”

“Right. But we’re not givin’ up, right? We’ll find a way to petition the school board or somethin’ like that.” Tanner offers Cameron a reassuring smile. “Everything’ll work out in the end.”

“I really hope so. Other than that, though, work is going great.”

“Must be nice to get winter break,” Charlotte teases. “Most of us don’t get half of December off.”

“Try teaching AP Lit for a day and tell me I don’t deserve that break.” 

“Fair enough.” She shrugs. “Hey, we should do a movie marathon tonight. To pregame for tomorrow.”

“That’s a great idea, Charlotte.” Mr. Chau glances around the table. “Should we queue up Lord of the Rings in advance?”

“Ha-ha. Laugh all you want. My house, my rules, and we are watching Lord of the Rings.” Cameron glances over at Tanner. “Um, I mean…if that’s what you want. Is that okay?”

“Hmm. Let me think. I just watched The Hobbit three days ago and reread the series last week, so…yeah. I think it’s time for a rewatch.” Tanner grins.

After the dishwasher is loaded, Cameron puts the movie on (the director’s cut of The Fellowship of the Ring) and starts popping the popcorn. Tanner purses his lips when Charlotte and Mr. Chau sit on the opposite end of the couch from him, but he shakes it off quickly once the opening monologue begins. Odysseus, as usual, is occupying an entire armchair on his own. No one else dares to sit in it because it’s so covered in Ody’s dog hair.

“Don’t start it without me!” Cameron runs in with the popcorn bowl and plops down next to Tanner. “Did I miss anything?”

“It literally just started,” Tanner mumbles. Cameron rolls his eyes and settles back against the couch.

“The world is changed: I feel it in the water, I feel it in the earth, I smell it in the air…”

“On a scale from one to ten, how uncomfortable are you around my family?” Cameron whispers.

“Which one is the highest?” Tanner grins when Cameron laughs. “No, seriously, it’s fine. I promise I’m havin’ a good time.”

“One to ten, how happy are you around me?” He pauses. “Ten being the highest.”

Tanner glances from the movie to Cameron’s face, then to the bowl of popcorn in his lap. He takes a small handful of kernels and holds them in a closed fist.

“Guess.”

“Six.”

“Nope.”

“Hot or cold?”

“Lukewarm.”

“Five.”

“Colder.”

“Eight?”

“Warmer.”

“Nine?”

“Boiling hot.”

Cameron knows the answer already, but he still gently pries Tanner’s fist open. In his calloused palm, there are exactly ten pieces of popcorn. Tanner smiles and counts out five pieces, placing them in Cameron’s own hand.

“On the slopes of Mount Doom they fought for the freedom of Middle-Earth…”

“That much, huh?” Cameron can feel warmth in his face. He hopes that the living room is too dark for Tanner to notice.

“It sure beats sittin’ in my apartment alone. I don’t even have a Christmas tree.”

“Am I just a Christmas tree to you, Tanner Jackson?”

“Close enough. You’re tall and bright.”

“So is a lamppost.”

“Not the point I’m tryin’ to make here.” 

“Then what’s your point?”

“If it weren’t for you, I’d be eating cup ramen in the dark while watching Sex and the City and grading shitty charcoal drawings of eyes. But instead I’m with other people, and I’m with you, and I think I’m all the better off for it.”

Cameron tries and fails to hide his smile. Tanner’s not trying at all—he can see the soft curve of his lips even in the dim light of the room. It would be so easy to lean forward and just—

“I’m glad you came,” Cameron admits. “It’s nice to…” To be with you again. To have someone around who gets me the way you do. To have you close to me like this.

“Nice to have a friend?” Tanner finishes the sentence for him, and Cameron, for all his master’s degrees in English Literature, is relieved to have been at a loss for words.

“Yeah. Something like that.”

“‘A Wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins, nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.’”

“Hey, if the two of you are done talking, I’m trying to pay attention to the movie.” Charlotte shoots them both a look, to which Cameron frowns and flips her off (behind his father’s back, of course).

Tanner chuckles quietly and turns his attention back to the movie. Cameron mourns the loss of his gaze.

His eyes keep flicking back to Tanner. The scenery of the Shire reflects in his shining brown eyes, and for once, Cameron finds himself almost unable to focus on the movie. If only he could reach out and touch Tanner’s face, if only he could use his words and say something…

“‘Alright then…keep your secrets. Before you came along, we Bagginses were very well thought of.’

‘Indeed?’

‘Never had any adventures or did anything unexpected.’”

Talk about acting out of the unexpected. A year ago, Cameron would have self-imploded if you’d told him that he would be close with Tanner Jackson again, much less sitting on a couch next to him while watching Lord of the Rings. 

The movie plays on. Music swells. Colors swirl on the screen. Tanner’s eyes trace every line of dialogue, every subtitle that he knows by heart. 

Cameron’s eyes only trace Tanner’s face.

Charlotte and Mr. Chau both turn in early, most likely exhausted from travel. Even Odysseus is fast asleep in his armchair. He snores like a plane engine.

“I’m still not tired,” Cameron muses. He stares at the rolling credits on the screen. “But I also don’t know what I want to do instead of sleeping.”

“What’s somethin’ you don’t feel like doing?” Tanner offers.

“Hmm. I don’t feel like grading papers, even though that’s what I probably should be doing.” Cameron taps his chin. “I don’t want to watch another movie. I don’t want to doomscroll for two hours.”

“Want to go for a walk?”

Cameron perks up.

“Why not?”

They fetch two puffer jackets and gloves from Cameron’s hallway closet. By some miracle, he has an orange beanie and a blue scarf, though the orange beanie has a bright yellow pom-pom that makes Tanner look like a tree covered in loquats. Cameron laughs as he pulls it over Tanner’s head of wavy brown hair. Tanner just flushes at the closeness. He ties the blue scarf around his own neck and they leave the apartment quietly.

The snow outside is piling up in true Christmas fashion when they make it out. All of the parts of Cameron’s everyday walk are covered in a layer of soft white powder. The city looks more like a picturesque puzzle or a painting than a place where two people have lived, worked, and fallen in love.

Even the stars are out tonight to greet them. They’re usually hidden behind a veil of clouds and light pollution, but now they’re sparkling like climate change and the greenhouse effect have paused just for Tanner and Cameron.

“It never snows like this in California,” Cameron mutters in awe. His nose is already red from the cold, and his breath fogs up his glasses. Tanner can’t help but smile at it. “Did it go like this in Chicago?”

“Kinda. Never really had time to appreciate it, though.” He shakes his head. “We sure don’t get anythin’ like this back in Arkansas, that’s for sure. It’s all slush, and that’s if you’re lucky enough to get anything adjacent to snow.”

“Well, it seems a little treacherous to walk with all this ice everywhere.” Cameron looks both ways before crossing the street to the little park across from his building. It’s small, just a grassy area and a playground, but right now it’s deserted and well-lit and much better than trekking the icy sidewalks. Tanner didn’t get all bundled up for nothing. He follows Cameron into the park, never lagging too far behind.

“Wait for me!” Tanner stumbles over his own feet, almost faceplanting in the snow. Cameron laughs and runs to him, closing the distance between them till they’re standing in front of each other. 

“Not very mobile in the snow, are you?”

As Cameron walks away, Tanner reaches into a snowdrift and packs a handful of snow into a sphere. When Cameron’s back is turned, he launches the weapon straight at Cameron’s shoulder blade. A direct hit. All those Little League games must have paid off. The snowball explodes on his jacket and crumbles into smaller chunks, drawing an oof out of Cameron and a snort out of Tanner.

“Did you just throw a snowball at me?” Cameron turns around, incredulous. Tanner’s already got the next snowball ready.

“Maybe. What’re you gonna do about it?”

Tanner doesn’t expect the snowball straight to the chest, but he really should’ve. Cameron grins in victory as he runs away, toward the playground where there’s shelter. Tanner catches him first, though, in a perfect tackle that would’ve made his high school coach proud. They both topple to the ground in a blur of orange, blue, and white.

Tanner finds himself underneath Cameron, caged by his arms and the sheer size of the other man. He’s gotta be six foot two by now. Meanwhile, Tanner’s at a respectable 5’9” that’s normally not terrible, but incredibly jarring when standing next to (or lying beneath) a leviathan like Cameron.

Cameron’s glasses are slightly askew. He’s laughing. His shoulders shake when he laughs. The cold wind bites at their faces, turning Cameron’s cheeks pink.

Tanner can’t remember the last time he saw something so perfect.

Without thinking, he reaches up and adjusts Cameron’s glasses, putting them straight and pushing them back onto his face. 

“Oh, thank you.” Cameron snickers as he rolls off of Tanner, lying next to him in the snow. “I totally won that, by the way.”

“No, you didn’t. I just tackled you.”

“Yeah, but that’s not a snowball fight, now is it? Seems to me like I won fair and square.”

“Whatever you say, Camry.”

For a moment, they lie there on their backs, staring up at the stars above them. It’s nice to feel small for once. Most people hate feeling insignificant, but Tanner likes the idea that there’s something bigger out there, taking care of him when he can’t do it himself.

“Remember junior year Christmas?” Tanner crosses his hands over his stomach. “When Charlotte threw up on the cookie tray after the three of us shared that bottle of peach schnapps?”

“I still can’t drink schnapps to this day,” Cameron replies. 

“Do you remember the Josh Hutcherson poster that you gave Charlotte?”

“That was the year Mockingjay came out, huh?” Cameron looks up to the sky, deep in thought. “Wasn’t that girl in third period obsessed with Katniss? Like, she tried to take a bow and quiver to school?”

“Oh my God, yeah. I remember that.” Tanner covers his eyes and chuckles. “Fuck, what was her name?”

“Regina, I think.”

“Right, right. She was so weird. Are you still friends with her on Facebook?”

“I’m not on Facebook.”

“Yeah, I had to delete it, too. I couldn’t stand seeing all those people from high school. They all peaked in senior year anyway.”

“Remember Monica? From prom?” Cameron laughs just at the memory of her. “You thought she wanted to dance with me, but she was into you the whole time.”

“I barely remember her, to be honest.” Tanner shocks himself with his forwardness. “I didn’t pay much attention to girls.”

A moment of silence passes. Cameron breaks it first.

“Remember prom night?”

Tanner goes still beside him. He doesn’t dare look to the side, doesn’t dare to seek out Cameron’s face right now.

A hand grazes against his own. Their fingers don’t link. They don’t even press their palms together. Their pinky fingers just…remain there. Not pushing forward, but not pulling back, either. The touch is natural, gentle, underscored. It doesn’t pressure. It doesn’t ask for more.

Tanner breathes in, then exhales.

“I wouldn’t forget it in a million years,” he replies, evenly, slowly, honestly. 

“Do you regret it?” Cameron blurts.

He does turn his head this time, and his heart melts when he sees Cameron’s eyes.

“I could never.”

Eventually, the snow and the cold grow too heavy for them to bear. They retreat back to the apartment and sneak back in like two teenagers on a school night. Snow-soaked shoes fall by the rack, left unorganized for once. 

Cameron left the two bedrooms to his family, so he takes the couch with a pillow and a knitted blanket. Tanner stands awkwardly next to the coffee table as Cameron begins to make his bed.

“You’re staring,” Cameron lilts. “You wanna get comfortable?”

“I, uh, I wasn’t really plannin’ on stayin’ the night.” 

“Oh.” Cameron never looked so disappointed.

“But, um…” Tanner blushes, scratching at the back of his scruffy neck. “The roads look kinda icy, and I dunno if it’s super safe to drive home. So, for safety’s sake, it might be better if I…” He trails off.

“...If you stay?” 

“Yeah. If I stay.”

“Let me get you a change of clothes, then.” Cameron gets up and goes to his closet, grateful for the chance to smile without Tanner seeing.

He returns with a pair of blue pajama pants and a UCLA sweatshirt. Tanner accepts them gratefully and gestures toward the hall.

“I’m gonna go change,” he explains. Cameron nods.

“It’s just down the hall.”

The clothes are a bit too big and really too blue, but they smell like Cameron (sandalwood and lavender) and they’re comfortable. He stares at himself in the mirror for just a bit too long, transfixed by the sight of himself in something that’s so clearly Cameron’s. He feels like by wearing something that belongs to Cameron, he’s also owned by extension.

When Tanner comes out of the bathroom in Cameron’s clothes, he notices how Cameron stares, too. The linen closet yields an extra pillow and a sleeping bag. Cameron takes great pleasure in claiming the couch, especially when he gets to give Tanner a superior look from his perch above him.

“So what’s the plan for tomorrow?” Tanner looks up from the floor.

“One of my students—you know Callum, right?”

“Yeah, the one who’s in choir?”

“That’s the one. Anyway, he’s doing a Christmas concert thing with his quartet? I don’t really know. He asked me to go and gave me the address, so we’re going in the evening. Then afterward, we’re doing the yearly Home Alone binge.”

“Interesting.” Tanner stretches out in the sleeping bag. “You want me tagging along?”

“Of course. If you want, of course.”

“I do.”

“Cool. Cool, cool, cool.”

“Cool.”

“Well,” Cameron mumbles, because there’s really nothing left to say, “goodnight.” 

“‘Night, Camry.” 

The light turns out. Tanner keeps looking at Cameron’s form in the darkness, but without the lamp, he can’t tell if Cameron is looking back.

Everyone wakes up late on Christmas Eve. Charlotte pads into the kitchen in a pair of slippers and her Care Bear pajama set, rubbing her tired eyes as she pours herself coffee. Cameron’s already awake and making bacon and pancakes. (No eggs, because there’s never been a Chau who could stand the taste of eggs.) 

Tanner is washing dishes at the sink, the sleeves of Cameron’s sweater rolled up to his elbows. Charlotte gives him a long, hard look, like a lion inspecting its prey.

“Hey, Charlotte! Merry Christmas Eve! Did you sleep well?” Tanner’s smile is so bright that it nearly hurts Cameron’s eyes.

“Mm.” Charlotte’s looking at him like he strangled a puppy right in front of her. “You stayed the night?”

“Yeah. Hope that’s okay,” Tanner murmurs, a little uneasy. Cameron steps in.

“It was just easier this way. You ready for today, Charlie?”

“Is he wearing your sweater?” 

“Um, yeah.” Cameron raises an eyebrow. “And what about it?”

“Nothing.” Charlotte wrinkles her nose. She takes a box of cereal out of the cupboard and slinks back to her bedroom. “I’ll go let Dad know that breakfast is ready.”

The minute she’s gone, Cameron immediately turns to Tanner.

“I’m so sorry. I don’t know what’s gotten into her lately—I swear she isn’t usually like this—”

“Camry, it’s fine,” Tanner says with a face that reads anything but. “I don’t mind. I’m used to stuff like this.”

“You shouldn’t have to be.” Cameron surges past him, heading for the door. “I’m gonna go talk to her.”

“Wait, Camry, stop.” He catches Cameron’s arm and pulls him around. “Please. I don’t want to get between you guys. You’re siblings. You need each other.”

“One fight isn’t gonna drive us apart, Tan, and I need to say something.”

“I know. Just…please just wait. I’m not ready. You can talk to her later, just not right now, okay?”

It’s the uneasiness in Tanner’s eyes and not the words themselves that convince Cameron to stop.

Breakfast is tense and rigid as a wire pulled taut. Charlotte doesn’t look Tanner in the eye. Mr. Chau isn’t much better.

“Hey, Camry, want me to take Ody for a walk?” Tanner puts his plate in the dishwasher and scratches the Bernese mountain dog behind his ears. “He looks like he could use a little fresh air.”

“Really? That would be great, actually. But are you sure you can handle him?” 

“I’m sure. I’m a pretty sturdy guy, y’know.”

“Okay. If you’re sure.” Cameron fetches the leash from the shoerack and fastens it to Ody’s collar. He leans closer, lowering his voice just enough that no one but Tanner can hear. “I’m gonna talk to Charlie while you’re gone.”

Tanner nods, and with an open-and-shut of the door, he’s gone. As if on cue, Mr. Chau evaporates into the guest bathroom, leaving Cameron and Charlotte alone. 

For approximately two minutes, he weighs the potential consequences of this interaction before he gets up the nerve to actually talk to his sister.

She must be able to sense his frustration, because she turns on the TV and pointedly pretends to not notice him hovering there.

“Hey, can I sit down?” He finally speaks up.

“It’s your house,” Charlotte points out. Cameron rolls his eyes and flops next to her on the couch, resting his elbows on his knees as he leans forward.

“Where’s Dad?”

“Taking a shower. Why? You gonna lecture him, too?”

“Char, I just want you to hear me out, okay?”

“Fine.” She crosses her arms over her chest, slumping on his couch. “What do you want?”

“I need you to try a little harder with Tanner. I mean, he’s been really nice so far, and you both are acting so cold to him. I asked you to be kind, and it feels like you’re not making any effort.”

“I’m sorry, Cam, but I don’t think he’s really changed.” Charlotte huffs. “And to be honest, I really don’t think it’s a good idea for you two to be friends.”

“Why–How can you even say that?” Cameron stammers in indignation. “Why don’t you trust him? Can’t you see how much he’s grown? Don’t you care that he’s trying?”

Typical Charlotte. She never waits for answers or confirmation. Once she makes her opinion, it’s set in stone.

“Can you blame me?” Charlotte hisses, low enough that Mr. Chau can’t hear from the other room. “Cameron, I watched you cry over that guy for months. He left you out to dry when you needed him most. He picked his status over you. Do you have any idea what it’s like to watch someone you love struggle with something like that?”

“No, but I’m the one who went through all that, Char!” Cameron springs up from his seat. “I felt everything that you saw. I’m the one who lost my only friend and my boyfriend in one day. But Tanner’s changed so much, and worked so hard to be better, that I forgave him!”

“Yeah, because he manipulated you into it!”

“He didn’t manipulate me into shit.” Cameron’s eyes are pricking with tears now, sharp and bitter like wormwood. “I forgave him because I wanted to.”

“No, you did it because you’re a fucking coward. And you’re not even gonna say it to my face.” Charlotte stares hard at her brother. “Tell me. Tell me why you wanted to forgive him. Tell me why on God’s green earth you could ever have a single speck of sympathy for that idiot—”

“Because I missed him, okay?” Cameron practically shouts it, loud enough to make Charlotte jump a little. He doesn’t notice. Doesn’t even care. He’s too caught up in this realization to focus on anything else. “I fucking missed him and I care about him and I-I think I like him, Char. I’m not over him—not even close. I want to be with him. God, I tried to hold his hand last night. I don’t know what’s wrong with me!”

She raises an eyebrow with just a hint of satisfaction.

“You sound so bewildered for having just realized something that a blind person could see.”

He lowers his hands from where they’ve been clutching at his hair.

“What are you talking about?”

“Are you serious? You’ve been all over him all weekend. It literally couldn’t be more obvious that you have feelings for him.” Charlotte rolls her eyes. “I could tell from the minute I saw you two together. Of course you’re not over him.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means you’re Cameron fucking Chau, and you’ve never gotten over anything in your entire life.” She groans. “It’s your most annoying trait. Why would your stupid first love be an exception?”

“I don’t know. I just…” Cameron stares at the Christmas tree. He and Tanner decorated it together. It serves as a reprimand to his better judgement just to look at it. “I’m an adult now, y’know? I thought these days were behind me. I mean, I have a master’s in English Lit from UCLA, for fuck’s sake. I’m supposed to be better than this.”

“But?” 

“But now I just feel like a lovesick teenager in a body that’s too big, in an apartment that’s too small, and the person who’s just right for me is right there but I’ve been down that road. I know where it leads.”

“Yeah?” Charlotte guides him to sit down. “Where does it lead?”

“Disaster, I guess?” He cards his fingers through his hair. “It’s just, like…the last time I got close to him, it ended in total disaster. I know it’s a bad idea. It’s so stupid. But at the same time, the fact that we’ve met again after all this time has to mean something, right? Like maybe it’s meant to be?”

“‘Meant to be’ might be a bit of an exaggeration, but sure.” His sister sighs. “Look, Cam. I don’t believe in God, and I probably never will, but I do think that you and Tanner were meant to meet again. Whatever your connection is supposed to become, it’s clear that it can never fade.”

“So are you going to be nicer to Tanner from now on?”

Charlotte gives him a long look before she finally nods.

“I wasn’t making an effort before, but I promise that I will from now on. I can’t say that we’ll get along perfectly, but I’ll do my part as well as I can.”

“Thank you, Charlie.” Cameron smiles. “I’m sorry I got angry.”

“I’m the one who should be apologizing. I’ve been a total bitch, to both you and Tanner. That’s on me.” Charlotte pats her brother on the shoulder. “I’m sorry, Cam.”

“I accept your apology.”

“I’ll say it to Tanner, too.”

“It really does mean a lot to him that you like him.” 

Charlotte rolls her eyes with a playful grin.

“Yeah, I bet it does.”

When Tanner returns from the walk an hour later, he wipes the snow off Odysseus’ fur and sends him bounding into the kitchen, where the Chau family is deep in a philosophical conversation on the value of getting Cane’s vs. Taco Bell for lunch. Cameron catches his incredulous smile before Tanner enters the kitchen.

“Tanner, can you break the tie?” Charlotte’s half-laughing, half-accusing as she points to her father. “Dad wants Taco Bell, but I want Cane’s, and Cameron just has to be Switzerland and say that either one is fine.”

“Oh. I mean, they both sound good.” Tanner taps his chin. “I’m kinda partial to Cane’s, though.”

“See, Dad? Told you.” She walks over to Tanner and pats him on the back on her way out of the kitchen. “I knew you’d be on my side, Tan.”

“I’ll go pick it up,” Cameron volunteers. 

“I’ll come with,” Tanner immediately replies. Charlotte casts their father a knowing glance before heading toward the shoe rack.

“Why don’t we all tag along?” She suggests.

“Sounds fine with me.” Mr. Chau slips on his shoes. “I’ll drive.”

“Uh, no. I will. Don’t think for a second that I forgot about the Ticket Incident of 2019.” Cameron smirks. “How many did you and Charlotte rack up that day? Six?”

“Seven, actually.” 

After lunch, the four of them argue over Monopoly for two hours before going to get ready for the concert. Cameron opts for a navy blue mockneck and black jeans, while Tanner borrows one of Cameron’s brown sweaters and blue jeans. Charlotte and Mr. Chau are both in ugly Christmas sweaters. 

The venue for the event is a church halfway across town, which already sends a chill down Tanner’s spine. He’s been in far too many of these places in his lifetime, and they’re all the same: endless twisting corridors, creepy little angels on the Sunday School classroom doors, and lights that are somehow too bright and too dim at the same time.

They locate Callum in the wings of the stage and give him and the quartet an enthusiastic wave. The girl next to Callum looks like she’s about to puke, run off stage, faint, or all three in that order.

The room grows darker as the lights direct toward the stage. Tanner claps wildly for his students and smiles as the quartet strikes up their first Christmas carol.

To put it bluntly, they kind of suck. Someone’s straining for that high note, and it’s evident. Even so, they smile and nod when the eyes of their students dart towards them, though Tanner has to start bouncing his leg to keep his worries in check. It’s a tic that he picked up in college, and he’s never been able to quit it since then.

Evidently, the leg bouncing became rapid enough for Cameron to notice, because he places his palm firmly on Tanner’s knee and holds it down to prevent him from moving.

“Relax,” he murmurs to Tanner. “They’re doing fine.”

Tanner’s never felt such an unholy urge within the walls of a church before. The mass chorale number toward the end is actually quite good. Tanner takes comfort in the familiar intro to ‘White Winter Hymnal’. As the singers on stage clap their hands and snap their fingers in sync, he finds his eyes drifting away from the stage.

Instead, he’s looking at Cameron, who is transfixed on the music. 

Look at me, he finds himself yelling in his head. Turn your head and look at me. Notice how insanely bad I need you so I never have to say it out loud. Just look at me and make this easy.

“That was amazing,” Cameron mumbles to Tanner once the song is over. 

I want you so much, it’s not even funny.

“Yeah, it really was.”

Through the car ride home, Tanner sits shotgun, and he keeps wishing that Cameron would reach over and grab his thigh this time. The group arrives back at Cameron’s apartment by 8, which is convenient because the Home Alone marathon isn’t going to watch itself.

Cameron makes hot chocolate. Tanner drinks it. Cameron saves a seat for Tanner on the couch. Tanner sits in it. Cameron cracks a joke. Tanner laughs.

It’s easier to live when you have someone to make room for you.

They fall asleep in a similar fashion to yesterday, only this time, Cameron is the one on the floor while Tanner sleeps on the couch. They bid each other a fond ‘goodnight’ before rolling over and falling asleep.

Tanner dreams of Cameron’s hands.

·꙳⋆𖢔𖠰𖢔·꙳⋆·꙳⋆𖢔𖠰𖢔·꙳⋆·꙳⋆𖢔𖠰𖢔·꙳⋆·꙳⋆𖢔𖠰𖢔·꙳⋆

It snows on Christmas morning. Mr. Chau has the coffee pre-made and ready to go when it’s time to open presents. Cameron fetches a trash bag for the wrapping paper, and then everyone goes around in a circle.

Cameron, ever the perfect gift-giver, got a parka for his dad and a pair of Doc Martens for his sister, along with candy for them both.

Surprisingly enough, Charlotte and Mr. Chau actually did get Tanner something: a bag of Lindor chocolates, which he suspects may be a re-gift but taste delicious all the same. However, it pales in comparison to Cameron’s gift from his family.

The box is huge. Cameron unwraps it slowly, like he’s afraid he’ll damage the contents within. The minute he catches a glimpse of the box, he practically bursts into tears.

“Is this what I think it is?” He grins so widely that it must be painful. “Is this what I think it is?”

When the box is fully unwrapped, Tanner also gasps. 

“Oh, my God. It’s beautiful.”

“It’s expensive,” Cameron stammers. 

“It was worth it,” Mr. Chau says fondly. “You deserve it. Consider this a thank you for hosting this year.”

Cameron holds up his ‘#10354: The Shire’ LEGO set with the pride of an Olympic medalist. The set is almost as big as his entire wingspan, but Cameron is too happy to care.

“That’s so cool!” Tanner jumps to his feet and examines the box closer. “Look! It has, like, all the Hobbits and Gandalf and Bag End—”

“I know! I can’t wait to build this!” Cameron pulls his family in for a hug, still unable to stop smiling. 

Tanner casts a wary glance to the orange-wrapped gift under the tree. No time like the present. He picks it up and hands it to Cameron, blushing furiously.

“It ain’t much, but I wanted to do somethin’ for you. I figured you might like this.”

“Thank you, Tan.” Cameron flushes. “Wait. I have something for you, too.”

He rushes into the other room and comes out with a tiny blue box. Tanner shouldn’t be surprised—this is Cameron, one of the most considerate people he’s ever met—but he’s still caught off guard by the gift.

“Thanks,” he muses. Is there really anything else to say?

They unwrap the gifts simultaneously. Their faces light up simultaneously. They even speak in unison, like two parts of one whole.

“Is this…”

Tanner holds up a silver pendant that hangs on a matching chain. “This is the Evenstar necklace. The one I’ve been talking about since we first saw the movie.”

“And this is the Aragorn figure I’ve had on my wishlist since two years ago.”

“How did you know what I…”

“How’d you find out about…”

They both break into laughter.

“Lucky guess?” Cameron suggests. Tanner nods.

“Put the necklace on me?”

Cameron rises and takes the clasp from him, bringing the chain around Tanner’s freckled neck. He handles the fastening with care. Tanner hopes he can’t see how Tanner’s breath hitches when the very tip of Cameron’s finger brushes his skin.

“Looks good on you,” Cameron murmurs, suddenly at a loss of breath.

“Thank you.” Tanner runs his thumb over the pendant as he turns around, allowing Cameron to see how the Evenstar rests right over his sternum. “Is silver my color?”

“Yeah, I think it is.” You look so good, I’m about to go bang my head against that wall until I stop thinking about you. “Thanks for the figure. I’ve been wanting it for a really long time, and it means a lot that you got it for me.”

“Yeah, of course. I’m really glad you like it.” Tanner blushes, and he prays that Cameron doesn’t notice. “Merry Christmas, Camry.”

Cameron smiles knowingly, like he’s aware of some secret. “Merry Christmas, Tan.” 

June 1, 2014

“Shit,” Tanner pants. “I feel like I just ran a marathon.”

“Guess you finished first, then.” Cameron snickers. 

“O-kay. Fuck you.” He chucks a pillow at the boy who’s currently lying supine on his bed, flushed and laughing like something’s incredibly funny. “You’re sweatin’ all over my sheets.”

“That’s not the only thing we got all over your sheets.”

“You got a real smart mouth, but you’re missin’ the ‘smart’ part.”

“Tell that to my GPA.”

Tanner just rolls his eyes. Then the rest of him rolls, too, facing Cameron on his side. He can’t help but smile. Cameron looks good on his pillows. His hair’s completely messy. Maybe Tanner’s a little to blame for pulling it nonstop. 

“Did you ever think that we’d end up like this? When we first met?”

“I don’t think that thought crossed my mind when I was sitting in front of a gravestone cussing out my dead mother, but I see what you mean.” Tanner turns his head. “Does your dad ever say anything to you about us? Like, whether he approves or not?”

“My dad’s chill about it. I mean, he loves me, so he’s supportive. And I think he’s kind of relieved that there’s no way I’ll be the perpetrator of a teen pregnancy.”

“My old man would burst a blood vessel if he found out about this.”

“He would?”

“I don’t know how much time you two have spent together, but he’s not the biggest fan of you, or me, or anything in general.”

“So if he found out you’re gay, he’d be…”

“Furious.”

Cameron lifts his head, staring up at the ceiling fan. It rotates in counterclockwise motions: around and around and around, the only reminder in this pocket dimension that the world outside is still spinning. Tanner matches his gaze, watching the fan blades pirouette on the ceiling.

“I guess we better make sure he doesn’t find out, then.” 

Tanner half-chuckles. 

“Yeah. That might be wise.”

Eventually, it’s dinnertime. Tanner can’t spend every waking minute at Cameron’s house, no matter how much he would like to. So he hops in his truck and drives home, dreading the sight of his father’s car in the driveway.

David Jackson is waiting for him in the living room when he returns.

“You’re late.” He crosses his arms over his chest, like he’s trying to appear bigger than he is.

“Sorry, Dad. I lost track of time.”

“You seem to be doin’ that a lot lately. You’ve been spendin’ more time at Cameron’s place than you have in your own home.”

“But you’re never even home! Why do I hafta be around if there’s no one to keep me company?”

“I don’t care where you go. I’m worried ‘bout how much time you spend around that boy.”

“He’s my—” Tanner pauses. “He’s important to me, Dad. I don’t know how I’d even start to distance myself—”

“Well, you better learn, because if I catch you coming home late from his house one more time, you’re not seeing him again. Ever.”

“Dad, are you serious?”

“As a heart attack.” Mr. Jackson points down the hall. “Go to your room. I don’t wanna see you out again for the rest of the night.”

“You can’t do this.”

“Oh, yeah?”

He inches closer to Tanner, forcing his son to shrink backward at the form of his father coming closer. 

He wouldn’t hit me, would he? He’s my dad. He loves me. He isn’t going to hurt me.

But the part of Tanner that’s actually committed to keeping him alive doesn’t agree, especially when David’s fist clenches at his side.

Tanner bolts to his bedroom before he can find out what happens next. He locks the door behind him, just to be safe, and runs to his bed. Then he props his desk chair in front of the door for good measure.

For a moment, he just catches his breath. He’s never run that fast for anything. It must have taken him less than two seconds to get to his room. Fight-or-flight is a powerful thing.

“I’m okay,” he mutters to himself. “I’m fine. It’s fine. He jus’ needs to cool off. Everything’ll be normal by tomorrow.”

Deep down, he knows this is a lie, but it’s one that he needs to hear.

He hides behind his bed for a few minutes, anxiously listening for the sound of footsteps. When nothing comes, he takes out his phone and calls the one person he wants to hear from right now.

The person picks up immediately.

“Hey, handsome.”

Tanner blushes.

“Hi,” he whispers. “Sorry to call so soon.”

“You don’t have to apologize for wanting to talk to me, Tan.” He can hear Cameron’s laugh over the phone. “How have you been in the fifteen minutes since we last spoke?”

“Fine.” Liar, he reprimands himself. “Just wanted to hear your voice.”

“Why’re you whispering?” Cameron chuckles. “It’s only 9. I don’t think you’re gonna wake anyone up.”

“I know. I just don’t want my dad to get mad at me.” 

“What makes you think he’d be mad? He doesn’t know about us, right?” He gasps over the phone. “Oh, my God, did he find out? Tanner, I’m so sorry. Are you okay? Are you safe? You can stay at my place if you need to—”

“Camry, relax. I’m fine!” 

“Are you sure?”

He has two options here. He can tell the truth and make Cameron worry himself to death, or hide what’s really going on in favor of preserving his boyfriend’s peace of mind.

Tanner chooses the latter.

“I’m sure, Camry. Everything’s fine. He’s just a little upset at me for coming home late, and he doesn’t like it when I run up the bills by talking on the phone for too long.”

“Oh. Okay. So you’re okay, then?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m okay.”

“Promise?”

Tanner stares back at the door, the one he can’t go out of for the rest of the night if he wants to stay safe.

“I promise,” he says. 

And that’s the first lie.

moodboards • playlist • masterlist • oc info

⋅˚₊‧ ୨୧ ‧₊˚ ⋅ lara jean ⋅˚₊‧ ୨୧ ‧₊˚ ⋅

My first day at the Daily Bugle took an unexpected turn, to say the least. I was totally prepared for whatever real-world problems that life had to throw at me: I packed my purse with extra snacks, pads, and even oil-blotting sheets. I had gone over a thousand sentence stems for starting conversations with strangers. I picked out the perfect outfit for the day: a baby pink sweater with a long brown skirt and Mary Janes with frilly socks. I looked like a corporate ice cream cone in the best way. 

Even my coworkers were nice. The girl who was training me, Isabel, was sweet as anything. She was somewhat new, too, having just moved here with her fiancé from Paris. She was a sportswriter, which really surprised me because she seemed like something more sophisticated would suit her more. Her French bob and red lipstick certainly made her look the part. I felt a little silly in my own outfit until she complimented it. 

“You’re the new literature columnist, right?” She glanced down at a clipboard, then to an empty desk, then back to me. “Our last girl quit after a little…mishap downtown. Decided that New York wasn’t for her. You seem a lot tougher than that, though. Think you’re up for this?”

“I hope so.” I smiled, following after Isabel to the desk. “I can’t wait to get started!”

“That’s the spirit!” She patted me on the back. “Okay, I do have to go, but here’s a packet of some of the materials you’ll need. If you head down to the mail room, there should be a few copies of books that you’ll be reviewing this month.”

“Where’s the mail room?”

“Downstairs, then take a right near the cafeteria. You can’t miss it.” And just like that, Isabel was gone, leaving me with the daunting task of finding the copy room. 

I couldn’t let the newness of it all intimidate me. I’m 23 years old, for God’s sake. I could find a mail room.

I finally found the place and managed to get the books that I needed, proud of myself for completing my first task. But on my way back to my desk, blinded by my excitement and my fear of dropping my materials, I crashed directly into someone.

My papers went flying. His coffee spilled all over his shirt.

“Oh, my gosh,” I mumbled. “Are you okay? I’m so sorry! I should’ve been more careful!”

“No, no, it’s fine.” He laughed and shook his head, his wavy brown hair falling in his eyes a little. “I’m just as much to blame. Should’ve been more vigilant, right?”

He had a nice smile, honest and sweet. His glasses were thin and wire-rimmed, matching his (now coffee-covered) blue button-up and jeans. His sneakers were filthy, but his fingernails were notably spotless.

I bent to pick up my papers, but he was already gathering them into a pile and dusting them off, handing them back to me with a grin.

“You didn’t have to do that.” My eyes dropped to his shirt, which was soaked with coffee and already wrinkled. “Oh, and your shirt is completely ruined! Here, let me see if I’ve got some tissues or something—”

“Hey, don’t worry about it. I have other shirts. I’ll just—” His voice cut off when I handed him a packet of wet wipes. “Wow. You came prepared.”

“It’s my first day,” I admitted. “I needed to have some contingencies ready.”

“Well, I’m glad you did.” He took the wipes gratefully and dabbed them on his shirt, which helped a little but not much. He didn’t make a big deal about it, though, which I greatly appreciated. “You must be the new literature columnist, right? The one from Berkeley?”

“Yeah, that’s me.”

“I’m Peter Parker. Photographer.” He extended a hand to me, but I was frozen on that name. Peter. The reason I’d moved to New York in the first place. It took a beat longer than necessary for me to take his hand and shake it. He had nice hands.

“Nice to meet you, Peter.” God, it felt weird saying that name to someone new. He raised an eyebrow.

“Are you gonna tell me your name, or am I supposed to guess?”

“Oh, right! Sorry.” I laughed nervously and smoothed out my skirt. “I’m Lara Jean Song-Covey, and I’m the new literature columnist.” Pause. “Wait, you knew that already.” 

“Lara Jean, huh? Yeah, I think Fisher mentioned something about you.” Peter scratched the back of his neck. “You work on the fourth floor, right?”

“Yeah, I do.”

“Great. You’re right across from my desk, then.” He gestured to the elevator. “Want me to show you around a little?”

“Yes, please!” I followed him in, maintaining a respectful distance as we loaded into the elevator.

Everything was going great until we passed the editor-in-chief’s office. I’d heard about J. Jonah Jameson online, of course. He was infamous for being a terrible boss, but a position at the Daily Bugle was so highly sought after that I couldn’t turn down the offer when they gave it to me.

The minute we rounded the corner, he was standing there like some kind of executioner.

“Parker! What are you doing wandering around the floor? Get back to work!”

“Sorry. I was just showing the new hire around.” He gestured to me with an apologetic smile. 

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, sir. I’m Lara Jean Song-Covey and I’m very—”

“Don’t care, didn’t ask, get back to work.” Jameson waved his hand dismissively in the air. “Parker, I expect those photos of Spider-Man on my desk by the end of the day, understand? And try to get some unflattering ones this time. That menace’s public opinion has been too high lately.”

“Yeah, I got it.” Peter watched him strut away with a roll of his brown eyes. 

“That’s JJJ for you.”

“He’s a jerk.” I frowned. “How can you stand to keep working here?”

“Cause I need this job. And I actually do like it…when he’s not all over my case.”

“He seems to have some crazy problem with Spider-Man.”

“Yeah, a lot of people don’t like the guy.”

“That sucks.” I didn’t think much of it at the time, but I’d heard about Spider-Man back in Oregon and wished my life were that exciting. “I mean, he seems pretty cool. Even if he’s a vigilante, he’s still helping people, right?”

Peter seemed surprised at that. 

“Right. That’s…that’s exactly how I feel. You get it.” He blinked a few times before following me back toward our desks. I sat down straight across from him and left my purse on the desk, still watching him over the top of my laptop screen. “I’m friends with him, you know. Or at least we have a professional relationship.”

“Is that how you always manage to get pictures of him up close?” I tilted my head. “What’s he like?”

“He’s cool. Pretty nice guy. But he can be real secretive about his identity. Likes his privacy.”

“That makes sense. It’d kinda be trouble if people figured out who he was, right?”

“That’s what he’s told me, anyway. But enough about him!” Peter turned back to me with a nervous smile. “How’s New York treating you so far?”

“It’s okay. Really different from Berkeley, but I’m liking it. I’m sure you’re pretty used to it, but for me it’s like being in a movie.” 

“Were you nervous about your first day?”

“Yeah, a little. But I’ve planned for everything! What could go wrong?”

In my mind, everything could go wrong, but I was totally prepared for every possible circumstance in the world of reason.

Somehow, I managed to forget that half of New York’s problems are completely outside of the world of reason.

Enter the giant lizard that tried to claw my favorite skirt to pieces during my lunch break. It appeared on the street out of nowhere— ten feet tall, scaly, and vicious. Most of the locals were used to this kind of thing and got inside immediately, but I didn’t notice the Lizard until it was breathing right down my neck. (I was wearing my headphones, sue me!) 

Either way, when I turned around and saw a real-life dinosaur with claws the size of meat cleavers standing in front of me, I froze. I had no idea what to do. Schools in Portland really don’t prepare you for this kind of thing at all. They think of supervillains as a strictly New York thing, which is mostly true, but extremely unhelpful when you move to the city and suddenly have no education on the protocol for this. 

At the moment, the most sensible thing I could think to do was run. 

For all my lack of athletic skill, I must’ve been going faster than I thought, because I didn’t even notice the fire hydrant until I tripped over it and went crashing to the ground. 

By now, the Lizard had caught up to me, and because everyone else had the sense to flee, its narrow eyes were locked on me. I scrambled backward on my hands, frantically searching for anything I could use to fight back.

For a moment, it looked confused. That gave me the window I needed to throw my shoe at it, but if anything, that only made it mad. Its scaly mouth opened wide, revealing rows of sharp teeth and a slimy pink tongue (gross) that reeked of blood and sewage. When I got up to run, it reached out and caught my skirt, dragging me back with its claws. 

“No! No! Get off me, you creep!” I tried to hit it again, but that did next to nothing. Instead, it smiled as it tossed me to the ground and reached out to claw my face off. I couldn’t move, couldn’t run, couldn’t do anything but stare in fear at the curved claw that reached out for my eye.

So much for my first day. It was a good run while it lasted. At least my obituary would be interesting—

“Hey, Jurassic Park! Heads up!”

Something white went flying through the air, catching the Lizard’s arm and tail and pinning them to the ground. At first I thought it was some kind of net, but upon closer inspection, it looked more like a spiderweb.

And the wielder of it came swinging out of the sky, his red-and-blue suit glinting in the sunlight as he reached out a hand for me. 

I didn’t think twice before reaching up to take it. He caught me on the upswing with a firm arm, lifting me like I weighed nothing more than a sack of flour, swinging across the street like it was nothing. The wind whipped at my face as I screamed, but he was holding me so tightly that there was no risk of falling. Still, even after we landed on a rooftop two buildings down, my knees were wobbling.

“What the—who are you?” I must’ve looked like a mess, but I wasn’t too scrambled to recognize the person who’d saved me. I’d seen his face in newspapers. He was all over the news, social media, anywhere I’d looked since high school. 

Spider-Man was standing right in front of me, his masked eyes twinkling as he set me down. I couldn’t believe I was seeing him in the flesh. He looked taller in person, a little broader, but still clearly the friendly neighborhood Spider-Man that he’d labeled himself as in the media.

“You okay, miss?” His voice was gentler than it had been a moment ago, when he’d heckled the Lizard. 

“Uh, yeah. Yeah, I’m all right.” I tried to smooth out my hair, looking down at my skirt to see a long rip going down the side of it. “A little shaken, but I don’t think I’m injured or anything.”

“You must have had quite the scare back there. Are you sure you don’t need anything?”

“I-I’m sure.” I was too focused on his mask to really hear what he was saying. What was he thinking under there? What did he look like? Who was he?

“You should really be more careful. Whenever there’s a supervillain on the loose, it’s best to get inside immediately and wait until someone gives the all-clear.” He touched my arm gently, like he was making sure I was listening. It made my heart jump. “Can’t have you getting turned into lizard food on me, right?”

“Right, yeah. Sorry. It’s just—it’s my first day in New York, and I’ve never really been in that kind of situation before.” I sighed in relief. It really could’ve been a lot worse if he hadn’t been there. “Thank you so much for saving me, Spider-Man.”

“Of course. You’re very welcome.” He glanced down the block to where the Lizard was still trapped in his webs. “Will you excuse me for just a moment? Don’t go anywhere. I’ve gotta beat this guy up real fast.”

“Oh, okay. Be safe?”

He laughed then, and it sounded familiar. It put everything at ease, so warm and honest that I couldn’t help but trust it.

“Thanks. I’ll do my best, miss.”

And just like that, he swung away, leaving me on the rooftop to watch. 

It was amazing to watch him fight. He might’ve touched the ground once or twice, but everything else was almost completely in the air. He was strong for someone his size, able to lift a fallen street sign and swing it at the Lizard like it weighed nothing more than a baseball bat. Every time the Lizard tried to grab him, he’d dodge it with a counterstrike and a corny insult. By the time he was finished, the creature was strung up in the air like it was hanging in a butcher’s window, and Spider-Man had barely a scratch. Before I knew it, he was back on the rooftop and holding my purse.

“Think you forgot this,” he said with a smile. At least, I think he was smiling. You couldn’t be too sure with the mask on. “I don’t think I ever got your name, by the way.”

“Oh, thank you so much!” I took my purse from him, relieved to find that all its contents were safe and accounted for. “I’m Lara Jean Covey. I guess I already know your name.”

“You said you were new to the city?” 

“Yeah, I just started working at the Daily Bugle—shoot!” I glanced down at my phone in panic. “My lunch break’s up by now! It’s my first day, I’m gonna get in so much trouble! Jameson’s probably gonna fire me and I’ll be a failure and probably end up going back to Oregon with my tail between my legs—”

“Hey, relax.” Spider-Man put his hand on my shoulder. “I’m sure it’ll be fine if you just explain what happened. Maybe you’ll get featured in an article, who knows?” He squinted down to the general direction of the Bugle. “I can give you a lift if you’re worried about being late, though.”

“I don’t want to impose…”

“Don’t worry! I’m offering.” He held out a hand to me, already standing on the edge of the rooftop. “You trust me?”

I took a moment to consider before taking his hand.

“I guess I do.”

The trip back to the Bugle was fast, windy, and terrifying. I’d never been so high up without being in a plane or something like that, and the knowledge that his arm was the only thing keeping me from falling was nervewracking, to say the least.

Even so, he dropped me off safely in front of the building and fished a leaf out of my hair, gentle even after whipping me around the skyline like some kind of adrenaline junkie.

“How do you do that every day?” I asked, incredulous.

“You get used to it eventually,” he replied, snickering when I wobbled on my own feet. “I suppose I’ll see you around?”

“Sure.” I shook his hand when he offered it. “And thank you again. I hate to think what would’ve happened if you hadn’t been there.”

“Just doing my job, miss. Stay safe out there!” He waved goodbye before swinging away, off to save someone else or defeat another supervillain, or maybe just to go get his own lunch. Either way, he was gone, and I was back at the Bugle, ready to get yelled at by someone. 

As it turned out, that someone was Jameson himself.

“Covey, where have you been? Your lunch break ended 20 minutes ago!” He took an angry puff of his cigarette, which I was 99% sure he wasn’t allowed to be smoking. “Are you trying to get fired on the first day? You can’t just wander around wherever you please!”

“I’m really sorry, sir. I just—there was an attack from this giant lizard, and I almost got clawed to shreds, and then Spider-Man came out of nowhere and saved me! So I was really trying my best to get back in time, but it wasn’t really safe because the Lizard was still there, but then Spider-Man gave me a lift back so I—”

“Spider-Man? That delinquent saved you?” Jameson frowned at me like I was the one who’d started terrorizing the streets and not the Lizard. “And what exactly were you doing fraternizing with the enemy?”

“But he saved my life! And he’s actually really nice, he seemed totally normal when he was talking to me—”

“Wait, he spoke to you? In a conversation?”

“Well…yes?” I was definitely about to lose my job.

Jameson’s face broke out in a wicked grin.

“What did he say? Did he seem mean? Maybe a little rude? Did he call you any names?”

“What? No! He was, like, genuinely one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met!”

Out of the corner of my eye, I sensed movement, and that’s when I saw Peter Parker standing right behind me, blushing hard. He carried a stack of photos in his hand, and he looked positively disheveled. His hair was a total mess. Even his clothes looked like he’d just thrown them on two seconds ago.

“Y-you think Spider-Man’s sweet?” He stammered over his words, which surprised me. 

“Uh, yeah. He was really nice. Saved me from the Lizard and everything.”

“That still doesn’t change the fact that you were late,” Jameson barked. 

“Unless Spider-Man himself comes in here and vouches for you, not that I’d trust his word anyway, you have absolutely no excuse—”

“Sir, I can vouch for her.” 

My eyes widened as Peter handed the photos to Jameson. They all depicted Spider-Man, swinging through the streets and punching out the Lizard, and one photo in particular showed him swinging through the air with me in tow.

“As you can see, Spider-Man was clearly fighting the Lizard earlier, and he’s got Lara Jean with him. Look at the rip on her skirt. Couldn’t you assume that the Lizard did that?”

I was shocked. How had he gotten those pictures? And how could he possibly have guessed that the Lizard was the one who ripped my skirt? Still, I was too grateful for the help to say anything.

Jameson glared from the photos, to Peter, then back to me.

“Fine. I suppose your story adds up. But still, I better not hear about you being late one more time, Covey. And that goes for you too, Parker.”

“Okay. I understand.”

I sighed in relief when he finally walked away. Peter just smiled.

“So, you met Spider-Man, huh?”

“Yeah. Crazy first day, right?”

“Sure.” He squinted like he was looking for something on my face. “Feeling alright?”

“Never better. Thank goodness Spider-Man was there, though.”

“Looks like he really won you over,” he teased. “Thinking about starting a fan club?”

“Shut up,” I mumbled, shoving at his shoulder. “He’s just—he’s a good person, okay? He was nice to me. And yeah, maybe he is kind of cool and strong and tall and kind, but it’s not like I’m gonna start fawning over him. Besides, he’s probably got a fan club already. I’m sure every girl in New York has had a thing for him at some point.”

We sat down at our desks again, but this time Peter was the one who kept looking at me while I was focused more on my screen.

“I think you’d be surprised. He’s single, you know.”

“Oh, did he tell you that?” I rolled my eyes, but I couldn’t help smiling. Which was definitely not prompted by the fact that he was available. 

“Actually, yeah. We’re friends, remember?” He chewed the end of his pencil like it was a pipe. “I could put in a good word for you if you really like him.”

“It’s fine. I mean, what are the odds I’ll run into him again? It’s a huge city, and I’m just one person.”

“Hey, you never know,” Peter lilted, his eyes locked on mine. “He might be closer than you think.”

“So, Jamie, what do you do for work?” Some foreign dignitary who Jamie absolutely doesn’t recognize smiles blandly, swishing his wine in its glass. 

“I’m a freelance artist,” Jamie replies, mustering up as much cheerfulness as he can. “I work on commission, though I did do some graphic design stuff for a stint with Tian’s restaurant.”

“Tian?” The man raises an eyebrow. “Oh, that’s right. Your companion.” 

“My girlfriend,” he emphasizes, quickly scanning the room to find that she’s at the refreshments table, filling up on free sushi. Good for her. At least one of them is enjoying their night. 

He didn’t even really want to come to this stupid gala at this dumb fancy hotel, but his father’s position as…well…a god made it kind of necessary to make an appearance.

He’d give pretty much anything to be next to her right now, rather than mindlessly making small talk with socialites. Tian looks like heaven in pale yellow silk and gold jewelry, her hair in curly ringlets down her back. Jamie feels a sense of pride to look at her and know that he was the one helping her with her makeup, the one kissing her lipstick away (to ‘blot it’, he’d argued), and the only one who knows what she looks like underneath it.

“I apologize. I hadn’t realized that your affection ran so deep.” The ambassador nods in acknowledgment. “You two make a nice pair. She seems like a lovely woman.”

“I’m very lucky to have her by my side.” He glances back to her and smiles to himself. “She’s already my best friend in the world. I consider it a gift from fate itself that we’ve become more than just a partnership.”

“I assume it’s too early to be thinking about marriage?” 

Are all Olympians this lacking in discretion?

“It’s something we’ve talked about, but we’re both quite young.” Jamie rubs absentmindedly at his ring finger. “For the immediate future, we’re taking it at our own pace.”

“And how are the gods taking your relationship?”

“I’m not sure I follow,” he replies, though he suspects he knows exactly where this is going. He’s had to hear this whole spiel about fifty times tonight—how mortal heirs might complicate the line of succession—and he’ll brush it off as usual with a simple ‘that’s not your business.’

“I only mean that with the inferiority of her birth, I would assume you might have chosen someone better for your status.” The ambassador shrugs. “Although I suppose she jumped at the opportunity. Who wouldn’t want to be with a demigod?”

Jamie doesn’t think he’s ever been this stunned. What an incredibly rude, obnoxious, senseless thing to say. Who says that kind of thing? Who talks like that? What gives this stranger the right to insult the woman he loves? It makes his blood boil. He wants to yell and break things. 

“I am not as shallow as you would believe,” he snaps. “Tian is my equal in every way that matters. I love her deeply, more than I’ve ever loved another soul. That is all anyone ought to care about.”

“I did not mean to—“

“No. You know exactly what you meant, and I will not stand here and allow you to tarnish her image in such a way.” He prods the man in the chest, stepping forward, grasping him by his expensive collar in a way that surprises even himself. “She loves me for who I am. You do not have to understand it, but I demand that you treat my partner with respect.”

They’re beginning to attract unwanted gazes. The ambassador rolls his eyes and breaks Jamie’s grip (with considerable difficulty). 

“Perhaps you yourself are compensating for something in your anger,” he sneers. Jamie stumbles backward. “After all, you’re still mortal like the rest of us. You may be Camino’s offspring, but you’ll never hold the respect of the people. You’re nothing compared to those of us who were born great.”

“I think that’s quite enough,” a voice calls from behind them. 

Jamie turns at the sound, his heart leaping when he sees Tian striding toward them, eyes blazing in anger. She takes his hand. Squeezes it twice.

“Tian,” he breathes. She’s ethereal, a white knight, a dove among sparrows.

“Who do you think you are?” Tian glares at the ambassador. “My boyfriend is the smartest, bravest, kindest man I’ve ever known. He’s never hurt a soul and here you are doing…what? Trying to look tough? You’re just a small, small man, trying with all your might to be big.”

“You speak a lot for a mortal with no power,” the man snaps. “Has no one taught you your place?”

“My place is by his side. I speak the truth. If you have a problem, go cry into your mistress’ lap. My partner and I have other plans at the moment.” She looks him up and down, scoffs, and loops Jamie’s arm through hers. “Come on, love.”

Jamie trails after her like an adoring puppy, blushing all the way out of the ballroom. 

“Where do you want to go?” She leads him into the hotel’s elevator. “Back to the room?”

“That sounds good.” He watches her press the button, watches her rub her temple and sigh. She never yells, preferring to eviscerate her enemies in a vicious and even tone, but he definitely heard her raise her voice at that guy. “You okay?”

“Yeah.” She nods as the elevator doors open. “Yeah, I’m good. I just need to cool off for a second.”

“Thanks for standing up for me,” he says once they reach their hallway. He pries the door to their hotel room open and locks it shut behind them. “I’m sorry that I couldn’t handle it on my own.”

“Baby, look at me.” She smiles, stroking his cheek with a soft hand. “I’ll always be there to back you up, just like you did for me.”

“He just—“ Jamie groans. “He got under my skin, you know? Like, I don’t care what he says about me, but that stuff he said about you? I could’ve killed him, I swear to God.”

They both kick off their shoes so hard that they clatter on the carpet, but they can’t really find it in themselves to care.

“People like him are always going to judge us, Jamie. I’m a commoner. My parents disowned me. I cook and write stories for a living.” She shrugs. “It doesn’t matter to them which college I went to or how much you love me. Some people just won’t ever accept me. I’ve made my peace with that.”

“You shouldn’t have to.”

“How are you feeling about it?” Tian squeezes his arm. “I know you said you don’t care, but I feel like maybe that was an understatement.”

“I don’t need anyone’s approval to be happy.” Jamie stares down at his hands. “It’s just—it’s really hard, you know? Like, I want these people to like me. I want to feel like I’m part of my dad’s family, but I don’t fit in with this kind of society.”

“Is there something else?” Tian moves to sit on the bed, patting the spot next to her and urging Jamie to sit down. He does, swinging his legs over the bed and settling into her side so they’re both resting on the pillows. 

“Look, you have to understand that I don’t agree with him. He’s crazy and rude and I think he’s an idiot, but it really shook me when he said that you were only with me because my dad’s a god.” Jamie shook his head. “I know you love me, and I love you too. I’m just in my head about it, I guess. I don’t want to project my insecurity onto you.”

“You’re not that kind of person.”

“Maybe I am,” he breathes, shivering. “Maybe I’m just that selfish. I only care about what I want. I never think about others like I should.” He glances to the little bullet scar on Tian’s shoulder. She has that because of him. Because he made a bad choice all those years ago. “But you’re so good to me in spite of that, and I feel like I’ve been so ungrateful to you, and I’m really sorry.”

When he breaks, it’s silent. His eyes well with tears, his bottom lip trembling as he tries to hold back his sobs. He can’t look at her. Can’t bring himself think about her face right now, because the guilt is too much. She’s perfect and kind and beautiful, and everything he’s not. She doesn’t deserve this. She doesn’t deserve someone who’s so weak and selfish that he can’t even—

“Jamie.” She lifts her hand, fingers sliding along his jaw as she moves his head to meet her eyes. “Are you serious right now?”

Her arms wrap around his neck, drawing him into a tight hug. Tian feels so good, so comforting that Jamie wants to melt into her. She’s rubbing his back, pressing kisses into his hair, a healing balm even to the worst of burns. 

“I love you so much, Jamie. I love you exactly as you are. Do you hear me? You don’t need to change.” She strokes his cheek, wipes a tear away. “You don’t have to prove yourself to me. I knew you were worthy of my love from the second I met you.”

“But I’m not who I thought I—“

“No. No.” Tian presses her lips to his temple. “Don’t give me that. It’s bullshit, and you know it. You’re selfless. You’re kind. You’re brave and smart and sometimes I wish you would prioritize yourself more, because you deserve everything.” Her fingers tangle into his hair, pulling him closer. “And I love you more than anything in the world.”

He takes a shuddering breath. His eyes drop to her lips, thumb coming up to run along her cupid’s bow.

“Can I kiss you?” 

A soft ‘yes’, shining brown eyes meeting his. This is all he needs. She’s sweet and warm, so determined in her love for him. Jamie can’t remember a time where he didn’t dream about her. Even when they were kids, he used to come to school praying that she’d look at him. He’d glance at the door every time he heard footsteps, hoping that they would belong to her. 

And here she is, smiling against his lips as she moves to straddle him. She breaks away for air, breathing hard, eyes hooded and dark as she undoes his tie. So tender. So good to him. 

Jamie is a lost cause. He’s hopeless beyond belief. He never had a chance of holding back, never could have kept himself from loving her. 

“F-fuck,” he mutters, rubbing his eye with his sleeve. “I look like a mess, don’t I?”

“You’re perfect.” She kisses his cheeks, his nose, her hands slipping under his jacket to push it to the floor. “And obnoxiously pretty.”

“Obnoxiously pretty or pretty obnoxious?” A sense of accomplishment fills his chest when she laughs and squishes his face between her hands. 

“You tell me.” Tian unbuttons his shirt, slides it down his shoulders. Jamie feels lightheaded, giggling like a child as he slips the straps of her dress downwards. Her palms are soft and smell like some kind of sweet lotion. Coconut? Vanilla? Whatever it is, it’s his new favorite.

“Well, that’s kind of why I asked—“

“I think you’ve misunderstood me.” She sits up fully in his lap, one hand reaching down to just barely trace over the front of his trousers. Her fingers tilt his chin upward, a flash of amusement flickering in her gaze when his mouth drops open at the touch. “Say it out loud. Tell me you’re pretty.”

God, he makes him weak. 

“I’m pretty.” He wraps his arms around her waist, shifting her from his thighs to his hips. She nods, urging him to say it again. “I’m pretty.” His skin feels like it’s been steamed. 

“Good.” She pulls the neckline of her dress down, the entire number pooling around her waist. Jamie can’t help himself—his eyes almost hurt from how hard he’s staring. 

He reaches out to touch her, testing the give of her flesh when his hand cups her chest. He’s meticulous in his experimentation. Tian is a work of art in and of herself. He’d like to leave his signature.

She bares her teeth and pushes into the hollow of his throat, biting and sucking and kissing every hurt, every tingle of his nerves when she grinds down on him. He gasps at the sensation of it. Being claimed, being wanted—it’s nothing short of exhilarating. He wants her under his skin, inside his ribcage, blooming in his throat like a deadly spore.

But he’ll settle for sneaking two fingers past her underwear. 

“You’re so wet,” he mutters, and gathers a bit of her slick on his fingertips to make the glide against her clit smoother. “Did I do that?” Tian shudders at the feeling and kisses him, licking at his teeth, into the warmth of his breath. His hands are gifted, and she wishes this stupid dress weren’t in the way of her seeing the tendons of his arm as he caresses the sweetest parts of her.

“Feels so good.” She grinds down toward his hand. A quick glimpse at his focused face has her laughing, then gasping at how he rubs her harder. “You’re so cute when you do this.”

“What’s so cute about it?” He meets her eyes. To an outside observer, he’s just youthfully giddy, but Tian can see the wicked glint in his eye.

“You’re just so focused on making me feel good. It’s sweet.” Her hand palms him over his trousers. He moans against her neck, biting down on her collarbone to muffle the sound.

“I wanna make you feel good all the time,” he mutters. “Keep me inside you. Never let you go. I’d make you feel me every second of the day.”

His fingers scissor inside her like he means it.

They’re kissing again, Jamie being the one to pull her in this time. He tastes like wine and something sweet. It occurs to her that he might be tipsy and she breaks away for a moment.

“Fuck, come back.” He tries to pull her back, pouting when she just ruffles his hair. His thumb digs into her clit like he’s getting revenge. “Tian, just kiss me.”

“Are you sure you’re okay? Are you sober right now?”

“What, are you gonna ask me how many fingers you’re holding up?” Jamie teases. “I’m fine, I swear. I only had like one glass of wine.” He lifts an eyebrow. His fingers pull out of her core, and she mourns the loss. “Are you sober?”

“Stone cold.” She leans in for a kiss, but he stops her lips this time. She frowns and bites at his fingertip. He rolls his eyes and slips his hand back into her.

“Just so you know, you don’t have to ask me. I trust you. I know you wouldn’t do anything I don’t want to do, and I’ll tell you if something makes me uncomfortable.”

He presses a few kisses down her neck, marking up her collarbone before dipping his head to her breast. His hand presses up, rubbing slow circles into her sweet spot.

“I like asking you,” she retorts, a little out of breath. “You get all red and blushy.” His left hand comes up to cup her and she leans into the touch, letting her eyes fall shut when he runs a thumb over her nipple.

“I like it when you ask.” He kisses her slower this time. His lip trembles when she nuzzles into his neck. “No one ever bothered to ask me what I wanted. It means a lot to me that you care what I want.”

“Well, what do you want right now?”

“I want you to fuck me.” He guides her hand to his cheek. “Please.” She sees the redness in his eyes, his tongue still salty from tears. 

“Oh, my baby.” She curls two fingers into his waistband. “I’m gonna take care of you. Gonna make you feel so good. Do you want that?”

“Yes,” he gasps. “Please. I want that so much. I want you.”

Tian unbuttons his trousers, slips them down his legs along with his boxers until all that’s between them is the messy skirt of the dress around Tian’s waist. She shrugs out of it, falling a bit onto Jamie’s lap and laughing when he blushes. His hand moves deeper inside of her. He adds another finger and shivers at how she stretches around him. 

Her lovely hand wraps around him, thumb swiping over his head in a motion that makes him clap his hand over his mouth. Tian frowns and repeats the motion, a bead of pre smearing onto the rest of him as she moves her hand up and down, up and down, her fingers never faltering. He remembers how she used to play the violin. Even when they were kids and he was flunking out of orchestra (no matter what his mother said, he was not made to play the piano), he’d still watch her hands dance along the strings for hours. Sometimes she’d stop playing Mozart and suddenly pick up a familiar melody that they both knew. Occasionally he would try to stumble along in a clumsy duet, but mostly he just enjoyed hearing her play.

He’s very grateful for the dexterity of her hands now.

Her movements cause her entire body to rock just a bit, just enough to get more and more of his fingers until he’s so deep that he can press a fingertip against her walls and make her whimper just from that.

His other hand gently pulls hers away from his cock, which makes her grumble, but he refuses to come before she gets to. Besides, he needs to focus on the task at hand.

“C’mon, sweetheart.” He presses a kiss to her neck and strokes her again. His thumb rubs over her clit. She’s so wet that slick pools around his knuckles and slides down his wrist. “Come for me. Let me see you, yeah? You’ll look so pretty. I know you will, you’re already so beautiful. I know you’re gonna be so perfect for me, sunshine.”

Her entire body rocks forward when she comes. She’s soaking him, digging her fingers into his scalp and whimpering against his neck. He nods and kisses her hair, smiling against the soft smell of flowers that she always carries.

“I love watching you come.” His lips break into a grin. “I know you get embarrassed, but I think you look so sweet when you blush like that. Used to dream about stuff like this. I used to lie awake at night thinking about you.” A little kiss to the side of her neck. “I still never stop thinking about you.”

“You’re such a sap,” she teases, her eyes still a little unfocused. 

“Only for you.”

“I was kind of hoping that we could make tonight about you. If that’s okay.” She slips off his lap and kisses him so quickly that he lets out a startled ‘huh?’ before she wraps a hand around him and lowers her head. 

“Tian, are you sure? You don’t have to…”

“I want to, you dork.” Jamie turns bright red at how her cheek leans against his dick like she doesn’t mind it in the slightest, like it’s natural for her. “Now are you gonna let me suck you off or what?”

“Yeah,” he breathes. “Of course, baby. You can do whatever you want to me.”

The glide of her fingers along his cock is almost too much to bear, and combined with the softness of her mouth, the flex of her tongue? Jamie is nothing. He floats on golden light. His blood turns to honey at her touch. 

Tian closes her eyes and breathes carefully through her nose, but Jamie can see how much it’s affecting her to take all of him in. She’s so slow with it, taking her time, always making sure that he’s doing okay when she’s the one who should be taken care of. Jamie’s heart hurts a little every time he looks at her. His hands slip into her hair, not pushing or pulling, but gently guiding her to where he needs the pressure the most. 

“Fuck, you look so pretty like this. All flushed and overwhelmed. You cryin’ a little?” Jamie wipes away the tear that threatens at her eye. Poor thing. “Breathe. I’m sorry. I know it’s big. But you’re doing really good for me, okay?” His hands cup her cheeks. He can feel himself sliding in and out of her throat. “Can you tap my leg if you can hear me?”

She flicks his knee with a determined expression on her face. Jamie smiles and caresses her cheek.

“There’s my good girl.”

 Her mouth is so warm and wet, it’s taking everything in him not to fuck up into it and take what he needs, but this is how she wanted to do things. Even if she wants tonight to be about him, he has to let her do it her way. 

And Tian likes to take her time.

Jamie shifts his hips—just to get more comfortable, he swears!—and jolts in surprise when Tian gags on his length. Tears spring to her eyes and she digs her fingers into his thigh and abdomen, scratching him up like a house cat. 

“Shit! I’m so sorry, Tian, I didn’t mean to hurt you!” He pulls her off his cock and lifts her chin to get a better look at her. He pointedly ignores the trail of spit and pre that connects her lips to his head. “You okay?”

“I’m good, I’m good. I wanna keep going. I’m okay.” She wraps her hand around him and stares down at him with focus. 

“Are you sure? Because we can stop if you need to—“

And Jamie doesn’t get to finish his sentence, because Tian envelops him in one swift motion, taking him until her nose hits his body, and he has to grip the sheets to keep from fainting. A desperate cry rings throughout the room and Tian is relentless, never stopping her ministrations, never letting him catch his breath. His hands scratch at her scalp and a little moan slips out of her. 

“You do that so good, baby. Fuck, if you could just see yourself right now. Crying so pretty for me.” He gives her a smile that must look kind of insane, but Tian just gags on him again and rubs a circle into his hip, her eyes wild and wet. “You like it when I’m like this?” His thumb traces the corner of her mouth, where she’s stretched wide trying to take all of him. “You got me falling apart, sweetheart. Make me feel crazy with this mouth.”

Tian’s fucking drooling now. It pools on the crease between his hip and abdomen. It makes Jamie lose it a little, and he has to look up at the ceiling to keep from coming at the sight. 

He guides her away from his length again, laughing at the pout on her face. She’s flushed and out of breath and grinning like she’s won the lottery. 

“You gotta stop drooling like that or I’m literally gonna come.”

“Then do it inside me.” Tian flops off his lap and lies on her back on the bed. “C’mon. My mouth is great and all, but don’t you want a taste of the real thing?”

It takes him exactly half a second to process the image in front of him. Tian, sprawled out in their bed, naked and panting and looking up at him like he hung the stars. Her hair spreads out on the pillow like a halo, or perhaps the rings of Saturn. No heavenly body feels quite adequate to describe how radiant his girl is. It’s the easiest choice ever to go and kneel between her legs.

“I’d love a taste, actually.” He’s fully ready to lie on his stomach and make up for the dinner he missed, but Tian presses a hand against his forehead to stop him from moving. “Hey, I was gonna eat that!”

“Jamie, I really want you inside me. Can you give that to me?”

“Fuck. Fuck.” Jamie scrambles forward and kisses her like he’s returned from war. “You can have anything you want, baby. I’ll give you anything. I’ll give you everything.” 

“Just give me your dick to start,” she teases. 

Jamie blinks and laughs before he parts her knees and takes a long look at the cleft of her. His breath still hitches every time he sees all of her. It’s like the earthrise, but the joy of this is that he’s fully grounded. She keeps him grounded.

“So fucking pretty,” he breathes. “Is this all for me? You gonna let me have you?” 

She nods and pulls him down, close enough that his sun pendant dangles from his neck and rests against her chest. Her lips are so close. Jamie doesn’t ever want to move.

He’s pressing against her cunt now, watching her lips part in preparation for it. She reaches up and cups his face, giving him a crooked smile. 

“You’ve always had me,” she whispers. “You get every inch of me. Every cell in my body. Every touch, every breath—it all belongs to you.”

And he pushes in steadily, not slowly, only breaking eye contact to glance at the way her legs fall open. Like she’s already making room for him. Like she always did. Her chest rises and falls. She’s gasping, digging her fingers into his shoulders. Jamie’s not faring much better as he presses his forehead to hers. His arms shake around her once he’s fully inside her. He’s so deep that he feels her breathing around him. She’s trembling.

“F-fuck, Tian. You feel so good. So perfect inside.” He’s obsessed with it. Every little move she makes, every sound that escapes her lips…it’s his. He belongs to her. This, right here between her legs, inextricably tied to her, is exactly where he’s supposed to be. 

“You can move,” she whispers. “Just go slow, okay?”

“Okay, baby. I can go slow. Whatever you want.” He starts to move, barely pulling out an inch before pushing back in, gradually moving more and more until he’s pressing against her spot with every thrust. Jamie likes to take his time. “Look at you. Sweetest thing I’ve ever seen.” His brows furrow when he smiles again. “Are you okay? Do you feel good?”

“Feels so—sooo fucking good, Jamie, p-please—“ Her eyes flutter closed, head turning to the side as he fucks her deeper. She’s so embarrassed that it’s cute.

“No. None of that.” He reaches for her chin and tilts her head towards him. “You’re gonna look at me when I fuck you.” A particularly cruel press into her g-spot leaves Tian nodding and whining, her hand shaking as it comes up to cup his face. “It’s only fair, right? You’re so pretty, I could never look away from you.” 

His hair’s tickling her face. She doesn’t seem to care. The pendants of their necklaces rest against each other. Sun and moon. Day and night. Him and her. 

“You feel real nice inside me,” she admits, blushing hard under his gaze. “I-I’ve never felt like this with anyone else. You’re the only one.”

“Oh, sunshine.” He practically sings her little nickname as he drives his hips harder into her. “You don’t even know. Don’t even know how much I love you.” Jamie shakes his head. “It’s fucking insane. You make me so happy. I love you so much.” 

She’s fucking warm inside, and wet enough that there’s almost no friction as he moves in and out.

“Love you too,” she whimpers.

There’s a little bulge in her abdomen. He pushes down on it experimentally, and it makes both of them gasp out loud. 

“Holy fuck. Is that…is that me?” He scrambles up to his knees, accidentally jostling her again and making her moan. “That is me, isn’t it?” A second push confirms that and draws a second gasp from him. “Shit, I’m so deep in you. You feel me in here? Stuffing you full?”

“W-what are you talking about—oh, fuck—where are you?”

“Here,” Jamie mumbles. He pushes down on her stomach again, harder this time, and Tian practically screams. “Right there, baby. You feel that? That’s me inside of you. Keeping you full. Making you feel good.”

“I feel it, I feel it—“

“Yeah? You like it? You like how much I fill you up like this?” He laughs. “God, you can’t even look at me straight. Look me in the eye, sweetheart. C’mon. I know you see me.”

She sobs, but her eyes meet his through tear-clumped lashes. Jamie almost comes at the sight of it. Her hands reach up for him, cupping his cheeks and splaying her fingers along his jaw. 

“Thereee you go. Isn’t that better?” He plants a kiss on her palm. “You look so pretty when you cry for me. Everything’s easier like this, isn’t it? You just lie back and let me take care of you. Don’t need to have anything on your mind but me, yeah?” 

His head begins to spin when she digs her fingers into his shoulders. A soft uh-uh-uh drops from her lips every time he rocks into her again. 

“You take it so well,” he coos. “I’m so proud of you, sunshine. You know that, right? It’s like you were made to fit me. You’re such a good girl. So bright and good.” He speeds up the pace a little. Every slam inside her brings him closer. “Can you say it for me? Say you’re my good girl.”

“It’s so embarrassing—hngh!” Tian sobs as he punches into her cunt, harder than any of the times before. He just tilts her chin up and smiles.

“Don’t be embarrassed, sweetie. Just say it. C’mon. Let me hear you. ‘I’m your good girl’.”

“I-I’m your good girl.” She hiccups between each word, raking her nails up his shoulder blades. 

“Again. Louder this time.”

“I’m your good girl.”

“Again, baby. One more time. Please.”

“I’m your—fuck!” Tian’s back arches at a particularly harsh thrust, combined with Jamie cruelly tweaking her nipple. “I-I’m your good girl, baby…”

“That’s righttt, love. You are.” He kisses her gently like he didn’t just try to ruin her. “Look at you. You’re the prettiest girl in the world.” 

“Jamie?” She reaches up for his face, pushing his hair back with her slender fingers.

“Yes, sunshine?” He closes his eyes to relish in her touch. “What do you need?”

“Wan’ you to come inside me.” Her heart leaps when his eyes widen. “Want it to fill me up. Wanna be yours.”

“Fuck, Ti.” Jamie reaches down to her ankles and slowly lifts them over his shoulders, the new angle pressing him even deeper inside her. “That what you want? Me filling you up? Dripping down your thighs?”

He’s fucking her like he’s gone insane, like he’s past the point of worrying about breaking her. Her thighs shake with each thrust now. She sobs at every tiny shift of him inside her.

“Don’t stop,” she gasps. “Please. Please, I need to come, I need to—“

“It’s okay.” He strokes her hair back as his other hand dips to her clit. “I’ve got you. I’m right here, sweetie. Give it to me. Make me proud, yeah? You can do it. I know you can.”

“I’m gonna—hic—gonna—“

Tian’s voice cracks around the last syllable as she shivers with the force of her orgasm. Her cunt tightens around him, drawing a strained whimper from his lips. She’s gasping for air and clutching tight to his forearm, her legs shaking on his shoulders. Tian is never quiet. She whines softly as Jamie slows his pace, pulling out after a minute to let her relax.

“That was perfect, baby. You were so good for me. Took everything so well.” He presses a soft kiss to her lips, his hands roaming her body to check for signs of discomfort. “Are you okay?”

“I’m great,” she murmurs, tilting her head back against the sheets. “You didn’t come yet.”

“I don’t need to if you’re tired—“

“Don’t be an idiot.” Tian pushes at his chest and he falls onto his back, too stunned to protest as she climbs into his lap. He scrambles backward till his shoulder blades meet the headboard, hands fixed tight on Tian’s hips. 

“I could do this all day,” she whispers low into his ear. Jamie trembles at that, his fingers digging into the flesh of her sides.

“A-are you sure?” He blinks up at her with wide, jet-black eyes. His cheeks are flushed from arousal, lips parted ever so slightly. “Because I really don’t mind, and I don’t want you overexerting yourself because I know I was a little rougher this time and I don’t think it’s—“

“Jamie, I’m not made of glass.” She pushes his damp hair away from his forehead. “I want this. I wanna make you feel good like you always do for me. You know why? Go ahead. Ask me.”

“Why—oh, God—“

Jamie claws at her hips as she sinks down onto him, taking every inch without stopping once. The sudden warmth of her cunt without warning is almost too much to bear. Especially after the blowjob and the fucking and the tender emotion of it all, he feels ready to come the minute she’s wrapped around him.

“I want to because I love you,” she pants, readjusting to his size even though he was just inside her. “Because you deserve every second of this. You’re everything to me, baby. I need to treat you like you’re mine. Are you mine?”

“Yours,” he gasps. His eyes well up as she begins to rock back and forth on him, her hands planted firmly on either side of his neck. “Fuck, I’m all yours. Don’t need anything else. I’ve never wanted anything but this. Just want you.”

“That guy was a fucking idiot.” Tian slows with the grinding and begins to bounce, lifting her hips up and slamming back down hard enough to make him yelp. “What does he know? I love you. I’ve only ever loved you.”

“Love you too, I love you so much baby,” Jamie chokes. He reaches up to her face like he’s begging for her touch, sobbing and smiling when she takes hold of his hand and kisses his palm. “I don’t care what some jerk with a pedigree has to say. ‘M never gonna lose you, right?”

“Never.” She presses his palm flat over her breast, close enough to feel her rushed heartbeat under her flesh. “Feel this? This is what you do to me, Jamie. This is how happy you make me feel.”

This position is so close that Jamie can feel her chest pressed against his. The soft pillow of her breasts contrasted with the way she’s fucking him hard is too much to stand. All he can do is wrap his arms around her waist and hold her tightly enough to forget about how close he is to release.

She starts bouncing faster and the sound of it is so obscene, especially mixed with Jamie’s shameless whimpers, that he almost wants to cover his ears. Tian notices. She tilts his head up with two fingers and kisses him deeply, her sweet lips absorbing his breathy moans. 

“Gonna cum,” he whines, “gonna cum in you. Can I? Can I please fill you up, baby?”

“You want it?” She smiles at the pathetic look on his face, like he’d agree to anything just to cum inside. “Wanna make me yours?”

“Want it so baddd,” he groans. “I fucking need it, Tian, please—“

“Hey, Jamie?” She pinches his cheeks between her fingers and scrunches her nose at him. “You know what I was thinking?”

“Mhm?”

“I was just thinking about how pretty your eyes are.” She knits her brows together, hand tracing over the line of his hip. “Wouldn’t it be nice to have a baby with the same eyes as you? And she could have my hair, and my smile, but she’d babble cute little baby-talk all the time just like you do—“

“Fuck—I can’t take it—I wanna make you a mama, Tian, wanna start a family with you, live the rest of my life with you. Wanna be your husband and I want you to be my wife.” Jamie’s sobbing hard now, biting down on his knuckles just to muffle his cries.

“So prove it. Cum inside me. It’s okay, sweetheart. You can let go for me, can’t you?” Tian’s lips brush against his ear as she whispers, “You’re my good boy, right?”

Jamie cums with a desperate cry and shaking thighs, clinging to Tian for all he’s worth. He can’t stop sobbing, his lips feverishly hot. She feels warmth inside her, feels him twitching as he fucks her through it.

“‘M your good boy, baby—I’m yours, aren’t I?” He shivers when she cradles his face in her hands. “Oh, you’re so pretty like this. Feels so fucking good—“

He inhales sharply. His cock twitches one last time before Tian lifts off him, and he moans softly when he notices their mixed cum dripping out of her and down her thighs. 

“Fuckkk.” He swipes two fingers between her folds. “That’s all me, huh?”

“You were amazing, Jamie.” She smiles down at him like a benevolent princess. “I’m so proud of you. I love you so much.”

“I love you too.” His eyes rove over her slowly, savoring every inch of her. She climbs off of him and flops onto the bed. He kisses her one more time, nothing but sweetness, before heading into their bathroom with his boxers pulled back on.

He returns with a warm, damp towel and a pair of fresh panties and a camisole. 

“Open your legs, sunshine. Let me clean you up, okay?” Jamie runs the soft cloth up and down her core, cleaning away all the sex and sweat and stickiness until she’s fresh and clean again. He wipes the sweat from her skin and brings out a makeup wipe to remove whatever mascara and concealer remains from the gala earlier. Tian can’t help but smile as he hands her the fresh clothes. He’s so tender with her, always conscious of every little thing because he cares that much. It reminds her of why she fell in love with him, why he’s the one who she gave her heart and soul and body to. 

After the cleanup is done and they’ve settled on ordering pizza for room service, Jamie slips under the covers with her. His arm wraps around her softly, holding her just to feel her.

“So, about the baby thing…” Jamie glances down at her. “Did you mean it? Is that something you really want?”

“Yeah,” she admits. “I mean, once we’re back in Shanghai and we’re married. I’m not sure if it would be the best idea right now.”

“But you do want a family with me?”

“I’ve never seen my future with anyone else.”

Jamie grins and kisses her hand with shining eyes. He pulls her closer under the blankets. 

“Me neither.”

tysm for reading! do not steal, copy, or translate my work without permission!

masterlist • oc info • moodboards

“Ody, you gotta stop doing this,” he wheezes, gently pushing the large Bernese mountain dog to the left side of the bed. “I think I feed you too much. You’re fucking heavy.”

Odysseus barks, wagging his tail with his food bowl in his mouth. He’s gotten into a nasty habit lately of waking Cameron up at 5 A.M on the dot to feed him breakfast, even on winter break when Cameron’s actually allowed to sleep in.

“Okay, fine. Get up. Let’s get some food in you.” 

Cameron grumbles as he slips into his house shoes and shuffles into the kitchen, rummaging in the fridge for the pre-prepared turkey, broccoli, and rice that he always makes for Odysseus. He’s a good dog, and he always whines whenever Cameron eats human food without him, so he gets this unseasoned meal as a compromise for his good behavior.

While his dog tucks into his breakfast, Cameron stumbles over to his couch and pulls a blanket over himself. Sleep sounds great right now.

“I’m just gonna rest my eyes, Ody. Wake me up when you gotta pee.”

He gets exactly five minutes of shut-eye before Ody barks again and trots over with his leash in his mouth. The sun’s just begun to rise, so Cameron isn’t too annoyed. He throws on his coat and grabs his headphones before taking his dog into the elevator and heading outside.

“You’re such a pain in the ass. I love you so much.”

Odysseus pants and thumps his tail against the wall of the elevator.

The air is crisp and freezing, which is bad news for Cameron but pretty much perfect for a dog that was bred for cold weather. They walk a few blocks to the park, where the snow from yesterday is still settled. Ody runs through the snow and rolls in the grass and shakes himself off before repeating the whole cycle again. Cameron watches in half amusement and half exhaustion. The sunrise is pretty, though the snow makes it a little blinding.

“Cameron? Is that you?”

He turns his head at the sound of that familiar voice. Tanner’s standing behind him, panting for air, his hands on his knees like he’s just run a marathon. Actually, judging by the hoodie and sweats that he’s in and the way his flushed face is covered in sweat, he probably did. 

“Tanner? What’re you doing out here so early?” Cameron glances toward the street. “And don’t you live kind of far away?”

“Just two miles. I ran here.” Tanner wipes his forehead with his sleeve. “I know it’s kinda stupid, but I hate it when other people can see me runnin’. There’s always some guy with perfect physique that just did eight miles without breaking a sweat and I’m here huffin’ and puffin’ after five minutes.” He tilts his head. “Why are you up so early?”

“I was just taking Odysseus out to pee. He’s always crazy in the mornings.”

“Who’s Odysseus?”

At that exact moment, a bullet of brown fur and slobber comes barreling straight toward Tanner. He’s knocked off his feet with the impact as he tumbles into the snow. Odysseus is scrambling all over Tanner’s body, sniffing his hair and his clothes and licking his face and generally being a huge embarrassment.

“Oh, my God. I’m so sorry. Ody, get off of him!” Cameron runs over and grabs his dog’s collar. “Are you okay? Did he knock the wind out of you?”

“I’m good,” Tanner mutters, still splayed on his back. He blinks back at Ody with big brown eyes. “Your dog’s real cute. Can I pet him?”

“Yeah, go ahead.”

“Aw, come here, you big baby!” Tanner laughs when Ody jumps into his arms. “You’re so cute. You’re a good boy.” He finally looks up at Cameron. “How old is he?”

“Almost five.” He watches Tanner nod, though it’s clear that Cameron isn’t the one that he’s interested in right now.

“Did you get excited to see me? Do you like the snow? I bet you do, you’re so big n’ fluffy and slobbery.” Odysseus barks in enthusiasm. Cameron tries not to smile.

“He likes you.” Obviously. “He takes a while to warm up to other people, usually.”

“I don’t believe that for a second. He’s a sweetheart.” Tanner scrunches his nose at Odysseus. “Aren’t you, big guy?”

“He was a shelter dog. They thought that he used to be in a dogfighting ring cause there’s a couple bite scars on his side and he came to them with a broken leg.”

“Oh, poor baby.” Tanner kisses Odysseus’ nose. “I’m so sorry, sweetie.”

Cameron watches the subtle shiver in Tanner’s body, like the wind’s beginning to cut through his bones.

“You must be getting cold now that you’re not moving.”

“Is that an invitation for me to get outta your face?” Tanner teases. 

“No, idiot. I’m just trying to make sure you don’t freeze to death.” Cameron laughs and pulls him to his feet. “Besides, you look exhausted. And thirsty. You want some water or something?”

“Do you have any?”

“No.”

“Then why the fuck did you ask me?”

“I’m trying to be subtle and ask if you want to get breakfast!”

“Oh!” Tanner blinks twice. “Well, why didn’t you say so? That bagel shop down the street is open right now. You want some food?”

“That sounds great, actually.” Cameron clips the leash back on. “I don’t have any money on me, though.”

“That’s fine. I got you.”

“Tanner…”

“No, I owe you one and I don’t wanna hear it.” Tanner waves his hand. “We’re gonna go get these bagels and eat them somewhere and it’s gonna be great and I’m paying for it.”

“Okay. Whatever.” He follows after Tanner as they head down the block, Odysseus trotting in front of them with practiced elegance like he’s a prim little show dog and not the size of a small car. Cameron’s a little embarrassed in comparison to Tanner. He likes to think that he’s more put together and poised than other people in his demographic, but here he is, awake at 5 in the morning, and Tanner was still up earlier than him and running two miles. Cameron can’t think of the last time he went out and exercised, unless you count the “How to Get Abs in 24 Hours” videos that he used to watch before the first day of school when he was twelve.

“So, when did you decide to get a dog?” Tanner glances down at Ody. “You were never really an animal guy before. I mean, you liked animals, but you never had a pet or anything.”

“Yeah, well. It gets pretty lonely being a single guy who works all day, and Ody’s pretty chill because he’s not as spry as he used to be, especially with his injuries and everything. We were a pretty good match.” Cameron scratches the top of his dog’s head. “Ever thought about getting another one? Your old one was Midnight, right?”

“Aw, I forgot about Midnight.” He smiles a little. “I mean, I was like twelve when he died. I haven’t had another dog in a while. I loved that one a lot, though. He was so stupid. Used to try to eat the rocks in the neighbor’s zen garden.”

“I thought black labs were supposed to be smart.”

“He must’ve been part pug or somethin’.”

Cameron laughs and Tanner breaks into a grin like he’s won a prize, like Cameron’s smile is something special and worthy. It’s weird to get that kind of appreciation.

“So are you going back home for Christmas?” He blushes a little when Tanner gives him a confused look. “Sorry, I kind of forgot what you said back at the cafe.”

“Nah, I’m not goin’ back to Arkansas for a while. Maybe not ever.” Tanner glances down at the sleeve of his hoodie and picks some lint away from it. “I just haven’t got much of a reason to go anymore…you know. Without my dad around.”

“Oh. So you’re alone?”

“Guess so.” He sighs. “I mean, I guess it’s for the best. New city, new job—I gotta stay locked in or I’ll start slipping. And I have a lot of grading to do, anyway.”

Cameron must be insane for the words that come out of his mouth after that.

“If you want, you could come over to my place. Dad and Charlotte are staying nearby and I’d love some help with the cooking and all that.”

“You want me to spend Christmas with you? Sounds like a shitty Hallmark movie.”

“Okay, then. Jesus. You don’t have to come.”

“No, no, no. I wanna come. Believe me. I just—” Tanner quirks an eyebrow. “You sure I’m not interruptin’ anything?”

“I’m completely sure. Just come. It’ll be fun.” They both slow their pace as they reach the bagel shop and walk through the door. 

“Should I get your dad and Charlotte a present, too? Or would that be weird?”

“You don’t have to get anyone a present,” Cameron insists.

“Don’t be silly. I’m a guest and they kinda hate me after everything. I at least need to win them over. Maybe chocolate is the way to go.” 

“Fine. It’s your money. But just so you know, they’re probably not going to be able to get you anything on such short notice. Maybe my dad will spring for a UCLA sweater, but that’s it. My sister might give you a gift card that she’s never used.”

“Better than nothing, though. At best, I’ll just get something that I can regift later.”

“Frugal.”

“Thank you for not saying cheapskate.”

They pick out their bagels and order their drinks (everything bagel and iced latte for Tanner, and a blueberry scone with a black coffee for Cameron). There’s almost no one around, so they claim a window seat. Odysseus curls up around Cameron's feet, warming his legs and making his feet go numb.

“How can you drink an iced drink when it’s literally snowing outside?” Cameron wrinkles his nose as he takes a sip of his coffee—and immediately spits it out after burning his tongue.

“That’s why,” Tanner snickers. “I can enjoy my drink instantly. You have to wait for like five minutes before you can even think about having your coffee.”

“Warms you up, though.”

“Having a sweet and delicious drink warms my heart enough to forget about the cold.”

“Asking for six pumps of vanilla in your coffee isn’t whimsical, it’s concerning.”

“We can’t all drink barley tea for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I got a theory that people only order black coffee to look tough. It’s more performative than matcha.”

“Okay, not too much on matcha now. That belonged to the Asians before your people gentrified it like you did to chai.” 

“Sugar, my people drink Walmart-brand sweet tea like healthcare is free. I guarantee you most people back in Arkansas ain’t got a clue about any type of drink ‘cept for Folgers.”

“The best part of waking up?”

“Yeah, but it tastes like battery acid. Much like that black coffee you’re drinkin’.”

“You’re actually, like, a professional hater.” Cameron smirks. “Speaking of hating, did you see what Melissa posted on her story?”

“You mean Mrs. Spinelli? The one who teaches chemistry?”

“Right, yeah. I forgot you don’t know that many of the other teachers yet. Anyway, did you see it?”

“No, but tell me anyway.”

“Well, she posted a picture of this one kid’s Aeries profile because he has a 0.5 GPA, and she was basically mocking him in the story, and admin found out so I think she’s getting fired.”

“Really?” Tanner shakes his head in disbelief. “Hell, if I were that kid’s parents, I’d sue. That’s straight-up harassment.”

“Seriously. I mean, you can always tell who was popular in high school by how they act in the real world.” Cameron pauses. “No offense.”

“None taken, but I feel the need to clarify that I was not popular in high school.”

“Bullshit. You were literally on the football team.”

“Which means jack, ‘cause you were my only real friend and I had zero friends before that.”

“What about Josh and Aiden and those other guys? I thought y’all were close when we were in school. And didn’t you all go to the U of A together?”

“We, uh…we didn’t get along too well.” Tanner shrugs. “We were never close anyway. I just sort of defaulted to them after…you know.”

After we ended things, Cameron thinks as he scratches his dog’s ears.

“And they were assholes, anyway. I don’t think we would’ve stayed friends even if we hadn’t had that big fight.”

“What big fight?”

Tanner purses his lips and takes a sip of his coffee.

“It was no big deal. Just a little disagreement.”

He’s lying, but whatever. Cameron isn’t going to press the matter any further.

“Well, speaking of old times, did you end up making plans for the holidays before I invited you over?” Nice segue, Camry. Very smooth. +1 for sophistication.

“I was just gonna sleep in and watch Christmas movies, probably. Maybe go a little crazy and eat an entire advent calendar of chocolate.” Tanner doesn’t exactly seem thrilled by the idea. “You excited to see your family?”

“Yeah, I am. I mean, I haven’t gotten to see Charlotte since she took that job in Chicago, and my dad’s been so busy enjoying retirement that he hasn’t taken any time to stop back in the States.”

“Did he finally get to go to Hong Kong?”

“Sure did. He wants to take me and Char back over the summer. Says it’ll be good for us to reconnect with our roots.”

“I thought you guys were from the mainland.”

“My mom was. My dad’s from Hong Kong, though. He was born there.”

“How come y’all ain’t goin’ back to Charlotte’s place? Or visiting other relatives?”

“Charlotte’s got a roommate and my dad’s been traveling so much that he hasn’t cleaned his house in months, so I was the best option. Besides, they’ve always wanted to do Christmas in the city.”

“Like in Home Alone 2?” 

“Exactly.” 

“Gotta say, I’m a little nervous to meet them again.”

“It’ll be fine. They love you! Or at least they did. They probably still do. I just need to explain everything to them.”

“Sounds easier than it is.”

“Hey, don’t worry.” Cameron nudges Tanner’s shin with his own foot. “I forgave you. They will, too.”

“So you didn’t change your mind about me?” Tanner teases. “Still want me around?”

“I always wanted you around, Tan.” He laughs to himself. “You could’ve seen it if you thought about it a little more.”

May 29, 2014

“Where are you going in such a damn hurry?” 

“Can’t talk, Dad, I can’t keep Camry waiting!” Tanner pulls his sneakers on as he stumbles out of the door, leaving his father at the kitchen table with a sour expression.

“Hey, wait a minute!” David Jackson grabs Tanner by the collar and yanks him back into the house, almost forcefully enough to make his son stumble. “You’re runnin’ off with that boy again? This is the third day in a row that you’ve done this shit. Don’t got any time for you to spend at home, huh?”

“Dad, we hang out every single day. This is nothing new. And besides, what all do I gotta do at home anyway?” Tanner rolls his eyes. 

“Are you gettin’ smart with me, boy? You want to learn what happens in the real world when you speak out of turn?”

“No, sir.” God, he can smell the beer on his breath. Before noon? It turns Tanner’s stomach. “Sorry. Can I go now?”

“Fine. And don’t expect me home till midnight.”

I didn’t expect anything less.

Tanner practically runs to his truck, speeding down the street and whipping into Cameron’s driveway like an F1 racer. His heart leaps when he sees that familiar silhouette in the sliding screen door and hears that soft voice call out his name. 

When Cameron appears in his line of sight, everything else fades away. Nothing else matters right now except for the boy standing in front of him and the brown eyes that meet his own from across the driveway.

“You’re late,” Cameron teases as he shakes his hair out, having clearly just thrown on whatever wrinkled Zelda shirt he found on his bedroom floor. There’s still a thread in his bangs. He must have just woken up.

“You’re messy. I had to brush my hair to look respectable for you.”

“I’m lucky then, huh?”

“Guess you are.”

Tanner sees the kiss coming from a mile away, but it still surprises him to feel the soft warmth of Cameron’s lips against his own. He smiles into it almost immediately and slips a hand behind Cameron’s head, pulling him closer as his back meets the door of the truck. They stand like that for a few minutes, just kissing and laughing and smiling, before Cameron finally has the sense to pull away and actually get in the truck.

Tanner would’ve let him keep going for as long as he could, but they have plans today, so maybe it’s for the best.

They’ve been doing the kissing thing a lot lately. Prom was two days ago, and the sparks that flare whenever their hands touch haven’t even come close to fading. Everything is beautiful with Cameron. Everything is beautiful when they’re together, and the world fades to nothing when their eyes meet.

He doesn’t recall the last time he was this happy.

“You missed the turn.” Cameron looks back to the intersection they just drove through. “You’re supposed to go left if we’re going into town.”

“We’re not going into town,” Tanner replies, trying to hide his grin. “We’re going somewhere special.”

“Disney World?”

“A little more special.”

“Bass Pro Shop?”

“Not quite that special.”

“Well, those were my only two ideas.”

Tanner laughs and gestures to the backseat. Cameron glances backward to find a plastic bag full of towels, sandwiches, and two swim trunks.

“I’m takin’ you to the lake. I got lunch for us, and we can grab burgers or tacos or whatever you want on the way home. And you don’t have to worry about your swimsuit or anythin’, ‘cause I brought an extra for you.”

“Oh, my God.” Cameron grins so widely that it must hurt his cheeks a little. “Tan, this is so sweet! You planned all this just for us?”

“For you, yeah.” He blushes and grips the steering wheel a little tighter. “Do you like it?”

“I love it! I love everything about it, Tanner, seriously, thank you so much!” 

He presses a kiss to Tanner’s cheek, drawing a furious flush from the boy. “No one’s ever done anything like this for me.”

“I’m…um…I’m glad you like it?”

“Wait, is this a date? Are we on a date right now?”

“Uhhh…” Tanner glances over his shoulder at Cameron, who’s smiling ceaselessly. “Yes? That’s kinda what I assumed, but if you’re not comfortable with it, than we could just—”

“No, it’s—yeah. I also thought we were—”

“Oh, so you’re—”

Laughter rings through the tiny truck. Cameron nods and places a hand on Tanner’s shoulder. 

“Yeah. It’s a date.”

“Great. Cool. Okay.” Tanner can’t stop grinning. “It’s a date.”

The radio blasts for the entire 45-minute drive to the lake. The road is bumpy and gravelly and it’s too humid for comfort, but Cameron couldn’t be happier and the day is full of promise, so what can Tanner complain about?

They arrive at the lake around 11 am. There are a few families there, but it’s not nearly as crowded as Tanner had expected. The water is sparkling, the weather is fair, and there’s a gentle breeze blowing through the trees. It’s a perfect day for a swim.

They take turns changing in the shitty one-stall public restroom until they’re both clad in their swim trunks: Tanner in a burnt orange, and Cameron in his signature blue. The clinical smell of spray-on sunscreen is putrid, but it’s worth it to avoid getting burned. 

When they meet under one of the willow trees, Tanner can’t take his eyes off his friend.

It’s not like this is the first time he’s seen Cameron without a shirt on, but something about this feels intimate. This is the first time that a certain context has been applied to the situation, one in which he knows the taste of Cameron’s lips and the sound of his breathing. 

Cameron hasn’t been hiding a sleeper build under his baggy clothes, either. He looks exactly like he did last summer, and Tanner’s happy with that. He doesn’t feel the pressure of measuring up.

“Who knew football conditioning actually helped you gain muscle?” Cameron raises an eyebrow as he shamelessly rakes his eyes over Tanner’s torso. “That farmer’s tan is diabolical, though.”

“Well, maybe I should go shirtless around you more often so it evens out.” Very smooth. Nice job, Tanner.

“No complaints here.”

They toss their shoes in the back of Tanner’s truck and leave Cameron’s glasses folded neatly next to them. Hands entwine together as Cameron takes off running, leaving Tanner sprinting behind him. They wade knee-deep in the water before Cameron finally turns around.

“Fuck, it’s cold,” he giggles. “Isn’t it almost summer? Feels like I’m standing in a glacier.”

“Hey, you just gotta get all in the way in and then it’ll be warmer.”

Cameron doesn’t miss the mischievous glint in Tanner’s eye as the brunette approaches him like a tiger waiting to pounce.

“Wait. Wait! Tanner Jackson, I swear to God if you—”

“Too late!”

Tanner tackles him with all the technique he’s built up from two years of football. They hit the water with a resounding splash, and Cameron’s cursing him out through a mouthful of water but he really couldn’t care less because he can’t stop laughing, especially when Cameron’s too-long wet bangs cover his eyes completely.

“You could’ve drowned me,” Cameron splutters.

“You’ll live.”

“Oh, so that’s how you wanna play?” 

A wave of mud and water hits Tanner smack-dab in the face. He stumbles backward and slips in the soft sand of the lake, falling on his ass while Cameron continues to splash him with a gleeful cry. 

He tries to swim further away to avoid the bombardment, but Cameron chases after him and grabs his ankle like a shark. Tanner yelps and turns around. His ribs hurts from laughing so hard. 

“Okay. Time to end this.” 

He snakes his arms around Cameron and lifts him into the air, just enough to throw him off balance. Cameron’s hands immediately link around Tanner’s neck as he shrieks in surprise.

“Oh my God, Tan, put me do-own!” He breaks his sentence with a laugh so strong that it rattles his entire body. “You can’t just win every fight by playing that card!”

“What’re you gonna do?” He smiles against the plane of Cameron’s chest. “Stop me?”

“Gonna take you down a peg one of these days, even if I have to get a gym membership to do it—put me down—and I’ll get strong enough to kick your ass.”

“Sorry. Y’ said to put you down?”

He dumps Cameron unceremoniously into the water, leaving him gasping and cursing once again. A couple people are starting to stare. Let them, he decides. Who cares what a few strangers think?

The rest of the day is relatively civil. They swim. They eat sun-warmed ham sandwiches and cool ranch Doritos with sticky fingers. Cameron screams bloody murder when a piece of driftwood brushes his leg.

Eventually, as the day begins to wane, most of the families pack up and leave. By the time the sun is about to set, Tanner and Cameron are the only two people in the entire lake. They’ve gotten out of the water by now and have changed back into their clothes, opting to lay on their towels in the bed of Tanner’s truck rather than get sand in their shoes.

The stars come out one by one. Cameron knows each planet by name, and he points to Venus with a crooked finger. 

“I used to have a big space phase as a kid.” Cameron smiles fondly.  “Thought I was gonna be the first Chinese person to walk on the moon.”

“What made you change your mind?” Tanner watches Cameron while Cameron watches the stars. He looks pretty in the moonlight.

“I read Lord of the Rings and knew I wanted to be a writer. I don’t know. Something about literature is just so fascinating, you know? Like, there’s so many different kinds of books, and there’s so much we can learn from them. If you learn about how to read books properly, you can learn about anything in the world.”

“I love how fired up you get when you talk about that stuff. It’s real sweet.” Tanner pauses. Did he say that out loud? “Sorry. Was that too honest?”

“No. No, it wasn’t at all.” Cameron blushes as he faces Tanner. The stars are forgotten now. “It’s…it’s really nice to hear that. I’m happy that you noticed.”

“Of course I noticed. I notice everything about you.”

He knows he’s said exactly the right thing for once, because Cameron’s flushed smile is all he’s wanted ever since they first met.

Cameron’s hand slips into his and squeezes. Just once. Their foreheads press together. He smells like salt and fresh air.

“I really meant what I said, by the way. After prom. When I told you I liked you.” Cameron runs a thumb over the back of Tanner’s palm. “I like you so much, Tan. Like, so so much. Everything you do makes me happy.”

“Same here.” Tanner blinks slowly, like the other will disappear if he opens his eyes too quickly. “I’ve never felt like this before. I never thought—I never thought I’d find myself wantin’ to kiss a boy, or hold his hand, or be with him like I’d probably be with a girl.”

“Are you saying you wanna kiss me right now?”

Cameron’s lips are parted. His eyes are soft, expectant, and Tanner can’t resist something so perfect. He leans in suddenly, making Cameron shiver in surprise, and his entire body physically shifts closer like he needs to be completely fused to Cameron’s bones.

“I want you, Tan.” Cameron breaks away to run his thumb over Tanner’s bottom lip, still breathing hard. Tanner feels heat coiling in his spine. “I don’t care how you have me. Don’t care if it’s just as a friend, or as a boyfriend. I don’t care if it’s with a kiss or something deeper. I just want you with me. I just want to be part of you.”

Tanner nods. He’s still a little dazed from the kiss, but there’s a question he needs answered.

“Am I…am I like…your boyfriend now?”

Cameron blinks.

“Do you really want that?”

“Yes,” Tanner answers without hesitation. Then he rephrases. “I mean, yeah. Yeah. I want that.”

“Okay. Then we can be boyfriends.”

“Should I still call you Camry, or do you want me to start callin’ you ‘hotcock’ or some shit?”

“Literally anything but the latter is fine.”

“So if I call you ‘honeybun’, you’re not gonna complain?”

“It’s a little corny, but I don’t mind.”

“Pookie?”

“Well, now you’re just starting to piss me off.”

moodboards • playlist • masterlist • oc info

Considering his penchant for mystery, it isn’t a surprise at all that he’s friends with Tanner, because this guy is a fucking conundrum.

What did he mean by ‘not necessarily’? Why would he leave Monica just to get food with Cameron? She’s pretty and popular and exactly the type of girl that Tanner should be with, so why aren’t they together?

And what was he saying with ‘I don’t know that I ever did?’

Is there a chance that he feels the same way? That he might actually want to be with him? He’ll have to start gathering evidence.

“Hey, what do you want?” 

He snaps to attention when Tanner gestures to the car in front of them. They’re next in line for the drive-through, the menu in front of them flickering a bit. 

“Oh. Um, just a cheeseburger and fries. And a Sprite.”

“No tomato, right?” Tanner rolls down his window, leaning out before glancing back to Cameron. The worker appears at the window, and Tanner gives them a polite smile before launching into an order that he’s memorized.

And therein lies the first piece of evidence. Tanner remembers everything Cameron tells him, even insignificant things that he only mentioned once or twice. His capacity for it is even more stunning when one considers that Tanner can’t even remember the times-table, and yet he knows Cameron’s favorite foods, his favorite songs and why he likes them, the embarrassing things that he did in elementary school, even his eighth grade English teacher’s name. Maybe it doesn’t mean a thing, but the promise is too enticing to ignore.

They pull up to the next window. Tanner flips open his ancient wallet to pay, but Cameron catches his wrist and shakes his head.

“You bought me a corsage. Let me pay for dinner.”

“My truck, my rules.”

“If you pay, I’m not eating any.”

“I’ll shove it in your mouth then, since you hate to waste food.”

“I’d bite your damn fingers off.”

The window opens, and Cameron practically lurches over Tanner’s lap to get to the cashier. Tanner grabs the back of his shirt and pulls him back.

“Ow, ow, let me go!”

“Get off me, then,” the driver snaps.

“Here’s a twenty,” Cameron declares, handing it to the confused cashier. 

“No, he’s not paying.” Tanner pushes Cameron’s face away, his palm pressing into the other’s cheek. “Don’t listen to him, he’s crazy— ouch!”

Cameron drops his jaw and lets Tanner’s pinky fall out, a toothy indent marking his knuckle.

“Oh, come on. I barely even bit you.”

“That hurt,” Tanner pouts. Is he blushing?

“No it did not.”

“In all fairness, the guy with the glasses paid first,” the cashier points out. Cameron grins wickedly and takes the fifteen cents in change along with the brown paper bag, Tanner slumped in the driver’s seat. “You two have a good night.”

“Yeah, you too.” Tanner takes his foot off the brake and speeds (somewhat dangerously) out of the parking lot.

Oh, he’s definitely blushing.

They head toward Cameron’s house without even discussing it. It’s a weekend. The sky is blue. They’re having a sleepover. 

Their town kind of sucks at night. It’s all old people who go to bed at eight, so nothing’s ever open except for the bingo halls, the fast food, and one arcade with games that precede the Vietnam War.

They arrive at Cameron’s place relatively quickly. His dad works for a marketing company, so he’s constantly traveling, and tonight is no different. Sometimes he misses the time they don’t get to spend together, but he knows that they’re both trying their best. 

Besides, it’s convenient when he wants to have a friend over without asking. 

“I still can’t believe you bit me,” Tanner mutters as he shifts to park and hops out of the truck. “I’m lucky you didn’t break skin.”

“You’re a big baby.”

“How ‘bout I bite you and we’ll see how much of a baby I am?”

“Kinky.” 

“You’re gross.”

“And yet you’re going to sleep in my bed anyway.”

That competitive side of Cameron cheers at how Tanner pouts. Banter is fun and all, but victory is sweeter.

“Are we gonna finish Return of the King?” Tanner asks as Cameron gets the door open.

“Why?” Cameron smirks. “I thought you said it was nerdy.”

“It is.” Tanner sets the bags of food down on the table. “That wasn’t what I asked you.”

“Yeah, we can. I’ll make some popcorn. You go get changed.”

Tanner flounces away, and Cameron gets two packets of microwave popcorn out of the pantry. As he watches the bags spin through the glass, he considers his options about tonight. Something feels different; not off or unsettling, just…unexpected. In a good way.

“Hey, how can I help?” Tanner pokes his head into the kitchen. Cameron can’t help but smile at how the pajama pants that Tanner’s borrowed from him are just a bit too short. 

“You can put the popcorn in bowls while I get out of this godforsaken tux.”

He slinks off to his own bedroom, exchanging his suit for a Chris Stapleton shirt and cotton shorts. The corsage is precious, too important to throw away. Instead, he presses the petals into his battered copy of The Picture of Dorian Gray and tucks it into his nightstand. He’d frame it if he could.

Tanner’s already started the movie, which would piss Cameron off if this wasn’t his twentieth time watching it.

“Wait, I don’t get this.” Tanner gestures to the screen, where Sam is watching the orcs take Frodo to Sauron. “You’re tellin’ me that all this stuff has been happenin’ in, like, Rondor and Gohan—“

“Gondor and Rohan—“

“Whatever. So all these battles and adventures and shit have been goin’ on, and Frodo and Sam have been stuck in that freaky spider cave this whole time?”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

“That don’t make any sense.”

“You said you didn’t care.”

“I like what you like,” Tanner says simply. “Besides, you got me invested.”

Cameron blames the butterflies in his stomach on soda carbonation.

“I mean, realistically, it probably took Frodo and Sam a whole day to get from the cave to Mount Doom,” he mumbles.

“Does Gollum die? I really want Gollum to die.”

“Yeah, he dies. Not super bloody, though. It was very unsatisfactory.”

“Interesting. How does it happen?”

“That’s a spoiler.”

The rest of the movie plays through without too much talking. Tanner tears up a bit when the two Hobbits are lying near the lava, reminiscing about their lives before all of these terrible things happened. It’s a sad scene, even though there’s a happy ending. Still, Cameron laughs when Tanner starts bawling at the end. It’s the moment when Frodo reunites with all the friends he’s missed so dearly, and for some reason Tanner can’t stop crying at it.

“Aw, Tan, it’s okay. Don’t cry.”

“It’s just so sad,” he blubbers. “I feel like I was part of the journey, y’know? And now it’s all over.”

“We can watch the movies again.”

“It won’t be the same,” Tanner pouts.

“I think you’re just tired from a really long day. Let’s get you some coffee and we can watch something different, okay?”

“Okay.”

It’s halfway into The Prisoner of Azkaban when Tanner starts to yawn. Cameron turns off the TV, and his friend is so tired that he doesn’t even notice it. 

“Do you want to shower? Or just go straight to bed?” 

“Wanna sleep,” Tanner mutters. 

“Well, you’re gonna have to walk, because I’m not carrying you.”

“Why not?”

“Because you’re heavy, dumbass. Which makes zero sense, considering the fact that you don’t even bother bulking during your literal training season.”

“Not my fault I skip all the practices to hang out with you.”

Cameron already knows that, but it still makes him blush to hear it out loud.

“Fine. Get up, big guy.” He slings Tanner’s arm over his shoulder and practically drags him to the bed. 

“Tired,” Tanner murmurs. “Wanna sleep in your bed.”

“That’s where we’re going, idiot.”

“Wanna sleep with you.” He stumbles into Cameron’s bedroom and flops onto his bed. “C’mon. Just share with me. Don’t want you sleeping on the couch.”

“You’re too big,” Cameron argues. “We won’t fit.”

“Sure we will. Just hold onto me and don’t roll off in the middle of the night.”

“Easier than it sounds.” But he lies down next to him anyway. They scramble to get under the covers, anxious to get warm in the chill of the house. 

They’re both so exhausted that it’s not difficult to try and fall asleep, but something’s nudging at the back of Cameron’s mind. He stares up at the glowy stars on his ceiling.

“Hey, Tan?”

“Yeah?”

“What did you mean earlier in the bathroom?”

“What are you talkin’ about?”

“You know. You said that you weren’t sure if you’d ever had a crush on a girl. What did you mean by that?”

Tanner pauses. For a few minutes, actually.

“I guess I meant what I said. I feel like I don’t really like girls that much.”

“You hate girls?”

“No! I mean, there’s nothin’ wrong with ‘em, but I’ve never looked at a girl and been like ‘wow, she’s hot, I wanna make a baby with her’.”

“I don’t think anyone thinks that way, Tan.”

“Well, how do you think about girls?”

It’s a question that Cameron’s spent a lot of time thinking about lately. 

“I’ve liked a few of them. But I’m not…”

“Not what?”

If there were ever a good time, it’s now. Still, Cameron’s heart pounds when he opens his mouth and says

“I don’t think that girls are the only ones I like.”

Tanner’s breath hitches. He looks over at Cameron (the shift in his body is obvious from how close they’re lying together), but Cameron refuses to look back.

“So you…you like guys, too? Like, you’re gay?”

“I guess if that’s what you want to call it. I don’t think it’s really that simple.” Cameron fiddles with his drawstring. “I like people based on who they are, not what they look like or what’s in their pants.” He dares to look at Tanner.

His best friend is stunned, a little flushed, but he doesn’t look angry. He doesn’t recoil or wrinkle his nose. There might be a hint of a smile on his lips.

“Am I the only one you’ve told?”

“I told Charlotte earlier today,” Cameron admits. “But you’re the only other person who knows.” Another long pause. “Are you mad?”

“Why would I be mad?” Tanner really does smile now. “You’re my best friend, Camry. I care about you. I could never be mad with you.”

Fuck. He really loves him. 

“Thanks. For being cool about it.” He sighs. “I don’t wanna be treated any differently because of this, though. I’m still the same guy.”

“Yeah, I know.” Tanner’s barely breathing. “Can I ask you a question, though?”

“Sure.” He’s hesitant, but he at least owes Tanner this, right?

“How did you know?”

Cameron really should’ve anticipated that and come up with a convincing lie, because saying that it was Tanner who made him realize his feelings would be incredibly stupid.

“What do you mean?” He laughs, nervous.

“Well, there had to be a guy who made you realize that you’re attracted to them, right? Who was it?” Tanner sits bolt upright. “Wait, can I guess? Is it someone we know?”

“I’m not confirming or denying that,” Cameron mutters. 

“Oh, my God. It’s someone we know, isn’t it? Is it Parker? Or Josh? Maybe Aiden?”

“It’s none of them.”

“They’re pretty much the only guys at school that you talk to.”

“Not the only guys.”

“So who else, then?”

Cameron just fixes him with a good, long stare. He watches Tanner blush under his gaze. Watches as he brings a hand up to cover the redness in his cheeks.

“Tan, I think you know.”

“Oh. Oh. You mean that…”

“Yeah.”

“You like me?” Tanner grins. “Wait, you actually like me?”

“Don’t make me say it out loud,” Cameron scoffs. He’s beginning to regret this a little. He knew Tanner would be sweet and accepting and kind no matter what, but he didn’t expect him to be so cocky about being the object of Cameron’s affections. 

But Tanner’s genuinely smiling. He looks relieved. Cameron can hear his heart pounding from here. 

So maybe he’s just overthinking things. 

“Wow. You like me.”

“Well? What do you think?” He wrinkles his nose. “Your big-ass mouth is too shy to talk now?”

“No.” Tanner glances from Cameron’s eyes to his hairline to somewhere lower on his face. “I’ve just never had anyone have a crush on me before. It’s a lot to take in.”

“That’s bullshit. Monica wanted to stick her tongue down your throat like an hour ago.”

“And you were jealous, weren’t you?” Tanner pats his arm gently at first, but it speeds up until he’s full-on seizing up. “Wait. If you like me so much, why’d you let me dance with her?”

“I didn’t let you do anything. You’re your own person. If you wanted to dance with her, I wasn’t gonna stop you.”

“I didn’t want to dance with her, Camry.” Tanner frowns. “I wanted to dance with you.”

“Then I guess you missed your chance.”

“Nah.” Tanner stands up abruptly and heads to the CD player that Cameron stole from his sister’s room. “I’m getting that dance before we talk any more about this.”

“You’re so aggressively corny. Aren’t we going to address this?” Cameron rolls his eyes. “This is usually the part where our friendship falls apart and I hate you forever and you call me names behind my back.”

“That’s not gonna be us. That’s never gonna be us.” Tanner kneels by the CD player and selects a song from Cameron’s display case. “What song do you want?”

“I don’t care.”

“Fine. Then I’ll pick.”

‘Fade Into You’ by Mazzy Star begins to drift its way through the speakers. Tanner turns back to him with a wide, stupid grin on his face.

“C’mon. Let’s dance.”

“This is so stupid.” Cameron gets up from the bed anyway. He walks over to his best friend and stops exactly one foot away from him. 

“You’ve got a little mean streak when you’re embarrassed, Camry. Did you know that?” 

“Why are you doing this?” He glances down at his own feet. “Why is this so important to you?”

“You’re important to me. And I want to show it.”

He takes Tanner’s hand. 

The rhythm is awkward. Tanner’s got two left feet and Cameron’s long legs make him feel like a baby colt. The music skips occasionally. 

But he can’t stop smiling. 

“I didn’t mean to make you feel awkward,” Cameron murmurs. “I’m sorry if it’s gonna be weird now.”

“Did you mean what you said?” Tanner’s voice is low. Uncertain. Careful. “Or is it just the sad movie and the post-prom blues hittin’ you?”

“I meant it.” His heart won’t stop racing. “I like you.” He could’ve lied. That was his one chance to play this off, but he didn’t take it. (He didn’t want to.)

Tanner really does smile this time. It’s bright and warm and sweet and so terribly affectionate. Cameron feels bare. Their eyes are both brown but Tanner’s are piercing through him right now like they’re solid gold.

“Camry, I don’t think you know how much I love it when you say that.”

Fuck. It’s the last thing he expected but somehow it feels like that’s what Tanner’s been thinking all along. It’s the missing piece. The final clue. Tanner Jackson killed Cameron’s heart in the bedroom with the wrench.

“Why?” Cameron asks, though he already knows the answer.

“Because I like you too.” Tanner’s smiling. So sweet. So kind. The sun must shine out of his fingertips. “I really like you. A lot.”

“Since-since when?” There has to be a timeframe. There had to be a moment because Cameron remembers it. He remembers the exact moment that he realized how he felt about Tanner Jackson.

“For a while, I think. Didn’t really realize it until like two hours ago.”

“Wait, so are you sure? Because just because you don’t like Monica doesn’t mean that you’re gay. And it doesn’t mean that you like me.”

“If I kissed you right now, it wouldn’t be the first time,” Tanner blurts.

“Like, it wouldn’t be the first time that you’ve kissed someone, or the first time you’ve ever kissed a guy?”

“Both. But also, it wouldn’t be the first time that I’ve kissed you.”

Tanner is so blunt about it that Cameron can’t really find it in himself to be horrified or embarrassed.

“You have ten seconds to explain yourself.”

“Remember that day at the creek, when I slept over?” Tanner shakes his head, smiling faintly. “I told you that I’d never cared about anyone like I care about you, and you said it back, and I was literally ‘bout to cry because I knew you meant it.”

“I remember.” How could he forget?

“Well, I sang you to sleep, right? And you fell asleep in my arms and you were talkin’ about how your mama always used to give you a kiss and sing for you whenever you got sick, and I guess I wanted to know what it would be like…so I kissed you. On the forehead! ‘Cause I’m not some kind of creep, Camry, and I’d never kiss you without your permission, but I just really wanted to do it and you were asleep anyway and I figured you’d never find out but I’m really sorry—”

“Tan…”

“I’m talkin’ too much, ain’t I?”

“Yeah, maybe just a little bit.” Cameron plants his hands on Tanner’s cheeks. “I don’t mind, though. Just wish I’d been awake.”

“Then…can I kiss you a second time?”

Cameron has just enough time to nod before Tanner’s leaning in, his hands flying to Cameron’s hair. His best friend tastes like coffee. His hair smells like clean laundry. 

And his lips are really, really soft.

Tanner has never felt like this. There’s no metaphor he can come up with, because nothing can parallel how it feels to kiss Cameron. How can anyone be this perfect? How can he ever be this happy again? This is right. This is where he’s supposed to be. This makes more sense than anything that Tanner’s ever thought of.

They have to stay together forever, because Tanner is certain that Cameron’s ruined him for anyone else.

“Was that okay?” Cameron breaks away for a breath of air, leaving Tanner feeling empty. He isn’t ready for it to be over. He needs more.

“Why’d you stop? Don’t stop. Come here.”

Cameron makes a surprised noise when Tanner pulls him in again, but it quickly gives way to laughter as Tanner presses more kisses to his face, anywhere that he can reach. He takes a moment to appreciate the slope of Cameron’s nose, the little freckle under his eyebrow, the crookedness of his pretty teeth. He forgets to breathe when Cameron’s face is poised between his palms, like a bird about to take flight.

“You’re staring,” Cameron teases.

“You’re pretty,” Tanner shoots back. “Maybe don’t smile at me like that if you want me to remember what I’m doing.”

“Maybe don’t be so obsessed with everything about me if you wanna kiss me so bad. I think it’s hindering your performance.”

“Fuck, are we really doing this in the middle of our first kiss?”

“We’ve been standing too long, I think.” Cameron glances towards his bed. “Should we move to somewhere more comfortable?”

“And y’ say I’m the corny one,” Tanner snaps, but he obliges. 

They’re kissing again. It’s completely quiet in Cameron’s room now that the music’s ended, and Tanner can hear the slick sound of their mouths, the sighs that emanate from Cameron’s lips, even the shuffle of fabric on fabric when Cameron’s legs hit the side of the bed. He hadn’t even realized that they were walking. 

He’s careful as he lowers Cameron to the mattress. Slow. He can take his time. Nothing’s rushing him. It can always be like this. Camry keeps his arms around Tanner’s neck, a little stunned when his head thuds against his own pillow.

There’s this tension in his fingers, like electricity. It makes it hard to close them and make a fist, which is unfortunate because all Tanner wants to do is touch him and grip him anywhere that he can reach. He’s been waiting for so long. He deserves a kiss. He needs one.

“Tanner.”

His heart feels like it’s leaking.

“Say my name again,” he murmurs. His breath keeps running away from him.

“It’s embarrassing!” Cameron snickers. “You’re not getting that out of me.”

“What if I ask real nice and polite?”

“I’m not so easily swayed.”

He loves this. Loves it when Cameron’s just a little bit mean, a little snippy with him, because he knows that he’ll never, ever mean it. And everything feels a little kinder when Cameron kisses him.

“Camry, wait. Do you…do you wanna keep going?” Tanner stammers. “We don’t have to. We don’t have to do anythin’ if you don’t wanna.” Secretly, he hopes that Cameron will chicken out so he doesn’t have to. He loves Cameron, but he’s not exactly ready to go so far as that.

“I’d want to if Charlotte weren’t in the next room over,” Cameron replies. “And something tells me you wouldn’t be able to keep quiet.”

“How dare you?” He mock-gasps. “I’m very quiet. I can shut up when it’s needed.”

“You’re also falling asleep and I don’t want you to crush me.”

He’s got a point there. Tanner can barely keep his eyes open.

“Okay. We don’t have to rush.” He runs a thumb over Cameron’s bottom lip, marveling for a moment at how Cameron’s mouth just drops open for him. “Can I kiss you again, though?”

“Sure you can.” He’s already smiling, arms already circling around Tanner’s neck.

They kiss until Tanner has to remember to breathe, until Cameron’s literally doing it half-asleep, and until the clock on the bedside declares that it’s well past midnight.

As Cameron nestles into Tanner’s arms and slips into a peaceful sleep, his warm breath fanning over his collarbone, Tanner finds that he doesn’t really care.

December 20, 2024

They get one look at the McDonald’s on Third before they spot at least ten of their students and immediately make a beeline in the opposite direction. Tanner’s stomach is still growling. Cameron, however, is so hangry that he actually might start growling for real if he doesn’t get some food in him in the next thirty minutes.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry,” Cameron mutters.

“My place is like, five blocks from here. I might just go home and eat something.” Tanner seems surprisingly calm about the whole devastating hunger thing, but he’s always had a slow metabolism.

Is it a little stupid that Cameron is hoping to get an invite?

“Oh. Well, I guess I’ll see you later, then.” He turns to struggle against the bitter wind on his way to the subway stop, but Tanner’s voice rings out in the snow. 

“Aren’t you gonna come with?”

Tanner’s apartment is in the exact same place that it was when Cameron drove him here after he got wasted. It’s not a bad neighborhood. There are some surviving plants in his window box, which is a good sign. His building smells a little bit like cigarette smoke and cat piss, but everyone’s got their vices. 

“Fuckin’ union dues are here again,” Tanner mutters, rifling through his mail at record speeds. “What’s the point of having a union if they don’t protect us from budget cuts?”

“I guess we’re not technically losing our jobs. Just the classes we like teaching the most.”

“I might actually quit at this rate.” He rubs his temple. “I can’t do any more job searches. I’m so sick of applying to places over and over again.”

“If I can’t teach AP Lit I might actually die. I hate the regular English classes so much. They’re not even smart enough to take the em-dashes out of what they tell ChatGPT to write.”

“If they make me teach ceramics for the rest of my life I’ll start doing clay dust lines until my lungs explode.”

“I think we’re just hungry.”

“Oh, right.” Tanner pulls Cameron along toward the rickety elevator. “Let’s get some food in you. I’m on the fifth floor. The fourth is bad luck, right?”

“How did you know that?” Cameron tilts his head while Tanner pushes the button. 

“I think you mentioned it one time,” he replies, blushing a bit. He remembers everything Cameron says, but he doesn’t need to know that.

“You remembered? Wasn’t that like, ten years ago?”

“Yeah. I guess I did.”

Tanner’s suddenly very aware of how little cleaning he’s done when they arrive in his apartment. Some of his boxes are still packed. He doesn’t even have his TV up yet. 

“Nice place. I like the colors.” Cameron glances around at Tanner’s decor, which he’s admittedly very proud of. The color scheme is all dark blue and rich brown and forest green. He’s never been much of a minimalist. He prefers to have a fun space over a clean one.

“Thanks. Ignore the boxes. I ain’t unpacked everything yet.” He drops his bag and coat at the shoe rack by the door. Cameron slips off his sneakers wordlessly. Before they met, Tanner used to wear his shoes in his room, on his carpet, and sometimes on his bed. Now he can’t stand the thought of not using house slippers.

“Haven’t you lived here for two months?”

“I’m a busy man, Mr. Chau.” He pads over to his fridge in his red Santa slippers. “Let’s see what we’ve got to eat, shall we?” A quick glance in his shelves reveals nothing much, but there’s food if you look hard enough.

“Wait, I don’t even need to look inside.” Cameron covers his eyes. “Let me guess. A single withered apple and two cans of Mountain Dew.”

“Nope. Guess again.” Tanner hides the Mountain Dew behind a pickle jar. “There’s some leftover rice and beans in here, and in the freezer we have—”

“Are those dinosaur nuggets—”

“—I’m a grown-ass man and I’ll eat what I want.” A drawn-out sigh. “Like I was sayin’, we have rice and beans, dino nuggets, a single Hot Pocket, or frozen dumplings.”

“Hmm. What kind of dumplings?”

“Chicken and cabbage. You know, the potstickers from Costco?”

“Why didn’t you lead with that?” Cameron snatches the bag out of the freezer. “I’ll even cook them for us.”

“You sure you don’t want the Hot Pocket? They’re very good for you.”

“Shut up, man. You think I’m letting you ruin my culture with your shitty cooking?”

“First of all, those are from Costco. Confucius didn’t sprinkle his armpit hair on ‘em or anythin’. And secondly, I’ve been cookin’ for myself since I was thirteen. I think I know a little somethin’ about making edible meals.”

“Okay, fine. You do it, then.”

Tanner starts up the stove while Cameron gets out two bowls. He pours oil into the pan and starts heating the dumplings up before frying them. 

“Hey, what do you want to drink?” Cameron sticks his head into the fridge. “Beer, maybe?”

“Nah. You can have it, though.”

“What, the guy who was completely sloshed off his rocker a couple weeks ago doesn’t drink during winter break?”

“I’m tryin’ to quit.” Tanner says it bluntly. Simply. His peer just blinks at him.

“Oh. Why?”

“It’s not good for my health. I don’t wanna die at thirty. Besides, my whole family were drinkers and their lives all kind of sucked. I’m thinkin’ there’s a common denominator.” And you didn’t like it.

“Well, I’m not gonna be an asshole and drink a beer in front of you.” Cameron reaches into the fridge and pulls out two Diet Cokes. “Coke okay?”

“Sounds perfect to me.”

Much to Cameron’s simultaneous delight and chagrin, Tanner does actually have soy sauce and grated ginger on hand, along with a jar of lajiao that he ordered online. They sit across from each other at Tanner’s little kitchen table, chopsticks in hand. It’s the first time that they’ve eaten together since that disastrous dinner, but it feels natural somehow. It gets Tanner’s hopes up in a dangerous way. Maybe there’s a chance that they can fix things between them. Maybe they can be friends.

“Hey, Cameron?”

“Yeah?”

“I really appreciate you giving my idea a try.” He smiles. “It means a lot.”

“You’re welcome. And even if it doesn’t work, I still think it was a good idea.” Cameron picks at his food. Tanner knows that look.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“I know that I fucked up back then. I was really shitty to you and I’m sorry. I regret it every day. I want you to know that, but I also want you to know that I’ve been trying to work on myself since then.”

He expects indignance or resentment from Cameron, not the stunned smile that hints at his lips.

“How? How have you changed?”

“Well, for one thing, I feel like I should just get it off my chest and tell you that I’m gay.” He folds his hands in his lap. “I was in denial about it for a really long time, but I learned a lot about myself recently and that was one of the things that I came to terms with.”

“But in high school, you said that—”

“Yeah, I know what I said. I was…I was scared of myself, if that makes sense. I didn’t know who I was if I wasn’t exactly what other people expected me to be.” Tanner sighs. “I know that makes me a coward. I’m not here to dwell on the past.”

“Neither am I.” Cameron nods. His expression is unreadable. “I’m glad that you told me.”

“Are you still mad about what I did?”

“It’s not really that simple.” He squints at Tanner like he’s trying to read him. “What you did really hurt me. The things you said hurt me. It took me a long time to move on from that, and it made my life really hard.” A gentle smile. “But at the same time, I know that you’re trying to do better. I know you’re a good person and that you cared about me. So I’m not angry with you anymore. I’m just a little sad, you know?”

It’s more than he hoped for. A step toward forgiveness.

“I know that things might never be the same between us as they were back then, but if you’re okay with it, I’d really like to be friends again.” His heart leaps when he sees the grin on his friend’s face. 

“Yeah. I think I’d like that a lot.”

They don't hug. Tanner doesn't expect them to, didn't even expect a shred of forgiveness from Cameron after everything. Even so, his friend's smile is enough to feel like the sweetest reward. They can work through this together. A second chance is the only thing Tanner ever wanted, and now Cameron's giving it to him on a silver platter. He's never going to hurt him again. No more lies. No more pain. This time, it's going to be different.

moodboards • playlist • masterlist • oc info

“Because it’s so painfully boring.”

“Right. You’re lying on my couch sobbing violently about Arwen being all alone because this movie is boring.”

“Your boyfriend’s a liar, bro.” Charlotte sits crosslegged on the chair next to the couch. “He was invested during Helm’s Deep two hours ago.”

“You’re lucky that you’re injured,” Tanner mutters, “or else I never would’ve done this Lord of the Rings marathon in a million years.”

“I love this movie.” Cameron sighs, watching as Faramir leads the group into the mountains of Gondor. “Isn’t it crazy that Elijah Wood is actually American?”

“I don’t think there’s been a single minute during this movie where you haven’t dropped some kernel of wisdom about how Viggo Mortensen broke his toe or about how Gandalf looking super tall is just a camera trick.” Charlotte slumps in her chair. “We’d be kicked out of the theater if this were real.”

“Good thing we’re in a house with shitty air conditioning and a feral cat,” Tanner shoots back.

“Shut up, shut up. This is my favorite part,” Cameron declares. He sits up fully, taking a deep breath. “Put aside the Ranger. Become who you were born to be.” He proclaims it in perfect sync with Elrond, and Tanner’s eyes widen, mirroring Aragorn’s.

“Jeez, you really are a nerd.” Tanner tries to laugh, but he feels his guts getting all warm and gushy at the thought of Cameron watching this movie over and over, memorizing the lines, maybe even reading the books.

“I’m a treasure.”

“And on that note, I’m going to bed.” Charlotte stands up and walks out promptly. “You guys should do the same if you wanna get any kind of rest before Cameron goes back to school on Monday.”

“Ugh, fine.” Cameron shuts off the TV. “Tan, you’re staying the night, right?”

“Like you have to ask.”

They stumble into Cameron’s room, giggling and trying not to wake up Mr. Chau down the hall. Tanner flops onto Cameron’s bed like it’s his own, assuming his usual position on the left side. Ever since that first night when they shared a bed, it’s become a seamless routine for them. They pretend not to notice when their arms slip around each other, when their legs hook around waists and wrap themselves in blankets. In the morning, they’ll wake up in a tangled mess of limbs, sweat, and threadbare sheets. They’ll act like it was an accident and laugh about it later.

Tanner will still wish that there were no barriers between them at all.

“Did you like the movie?” Cameron’s voice is soft, his eyes big and round like a baby cow’s.

“It was good. We should finish it in the morning.” Tanner’s hand braces against Cameron’s wrist. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m all right. I think the worst of it has passed.” The other moves closer, head resting against Tanner’s side. They both move to face each other, smiling slightly in the warm darkness. The physicality of it all doesn’t really bother Tanner anymore, but it reminds him of a month ago, when they were lying in this exact position. Lips pressed to foreheads. Sleepy melodies exchanged between their shared warmth.

“Are you sure you’re ready to go back to school?”

“I’m sure.” Cameron nods. “I mean, if I don’t go back now, I never will. I appreciate you bringing me my homework, though. I know some of my classes are way out of your way.”

“Hey, anything for you.”

There’s a sweet lilt in Tanner’s voice that seems to shock both of them. It feels terribly intimate, much like the way that Cameron practically burrows into Tanner’s shirt a moment later.

“You’re a good person, Tan.” His lips look soft. They probably taste like the coffee they brewed in the middle of Two Towers. Tanner finds himself deciding that he wouldn’t mind.

“Only for you, Camry.”

God, Tanner wants to kiss him. Isn’t that demented? Isn’t that twisted? Shouldn’t he be ashamed?

Is he crazy for thinking that Cameron might let him?

Cameron falls asleep with his mouth open, drooling just a little on his pillow. Tanner watches him, frowns at the bruise under his eye. Cameron still refuses to tell him who did this. He’s had to accept it, even though the very idea that someone hurt Cameron on purpose makes him want to fucking cry. Who would do that? What kind of monster would look at this boy, this person who’s been nothing but good his entire life, and want to cause him pain?

Tanner hopes he never hurts Cameron. He hopes he can be better than that.

So eventually, he leaves it alone. Goes back to sleep.

He dreams of ink-stained hands and jet-black hair. If the voice calling out to him sounds familiar, he pretends not to recognize it.

December 20, 2024

“Y’know, when you said we were doing a toy drive, you neglected to mention that I’d have to stand out in the freezing cold all afternoon,” Cameron mutters. Tanner rolls his eyes.

“I specifically mentioned that the location was at the park, Cameron. What did you expect?”

“No one’s even shown up yet. It’s been an hour.”

“I put up a flyer on every damn light post in the city. Someone will show up.” Tanner pulls his coat tighter around himself. “They have to.”

“There’s gotta be a better way to make money. I mean, we could be doing literally anything else right now.”

“Oh, like what? Making meth in my ceramics classroom? Walking dogs that might be rabid?”

“If a dog was rabid, we would be able to tell,” Cameron shoots back. “And it concerns me that you immediately thought of cooking meth as a way to make money.”

“It just sounds badass.”

“You watch too much Breaking Bad.”

“It’s a good show!”

“Look me dead in the eyes and tell me that ‘I am the danger’ isn’t one of the corniest lines you’ve ever heard.”

“Oh, because Lord of the Rings isn’t corny? They literally saved the world with friendship.”

“It’s poetic. Evil can only be defeated by its opposite. Love overcomes all.”

Tanner blows a bit of hair out of his eyes.

“Frodo kinda treated Sam like shit toward the end of the third movie, though.”

“Yeah, because he was being manipulated.” Cameron looks offended at the gross mischaracterization of Frodo Baggins. “The Frodo we know would never do that. The real Frodo loved Sam.”

“You say ‘we’ as if I know anythin’ about those movies.”

“They were books first, and you literally watched all of them with me.”

“At your behest.”

“What is it with you and these big words today? You used to struggle to spell and now you’ve gotten your hands on a thesaurus?”

“Maybe I’m not as stupid as you think,” Tanner snaps. “Maybe while you were busy obsessing over how smart you are, you forgot I have a fuckin’ degree.”

Silence. Two seconds slip by. Then ten. Then twenty.

“I’m sorry. I don’t think you’re dumb,” Cameron says quietly. “I’ve never thought that of you.”

“I’m sorry I snapped.” Tanner folds his arms. “I guess we’re both just a little tightly wound today.”

Another minute passes.

“I don’t think anyone’s gonna show up today.”

“Yeah, probably not. I guess it’s not our day.”

“We should regroup. Come up with a different plan.” Cameron pulls out his phone and opens his notes app. “What were some of your other ideas?”

“Wait, you wanna hear my ideas?” Tanner blinks. “Seriously?”

“Yeah. I mean, maybe this idea wasn’t so great, but we could try something else. I don’t believe in giving up right away.”

“So you actually think this could work?”

“I think we can’t call it quits unless we make a real effort.”

Cameron pulls his scarf up higher, shoving his hands in his pockets. The snow falls around them, soft and white like it looks in cheesy Christmas movies. Tanner’s cheeks feel numb, bitten from the cold.

“Last week, you didn’t think we had any chance at all of succeeding.”

“I changed my mind.” Cameron shakes his head. “I mean, these are our jobs we’re talking about. People just ignore the humanities, like creativity isn’t important. But these are some student’s passions. As teachers, shouldn’t it be our job to foster that creativity?”

Tanner hasn’t seen Cameron lit up like this in years. Teaching is clearly his calling. He’s a little jealous that Cameron found it so easily. It took him four years of scrambling for football scholarships and a frantic rush to graduate on time (after…everything) for him to realize that he wanted to make a difference. Wanted to be someone supportive, because nobody had ever supported him. A classroom seemed like the perfect place to start.

“You’re a good teacher, Cameron.”

“So are you. This was your idea, after all.”

Tanner feels his heart leap, a rush of blood and adrenaline that crashes into him all at once. He thinks he might cry.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Cameron puts his hand on Tanner’s shoulder, shaking him. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“It’s just…it’s been a long time since someone told me I was good at something.”

“Well, they should say it more often. You’re competent. And smart. Even if you act dumb sometimes.”

For a second it feels like the old days. Like they haven’t been apart for ten years, like Tanner didn’t hurt Cameron as much as he did.

Then Cameron’s phone starts ringing. He gives Tanner an apologetic look and picks it up, hand over his speaker.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Cam.” His sister’s voice is unmistakable. Raspy and blunt like stone on stone.

“Charlie! It’s been a while! How are you?”

“Oh, considering shooting myself in the head. My boss has me staying late again.”

“You really should quit. I mean, do you really want to spend every Friday night for the rest of your life at work?”

“Enough about me. What are you doing right now?”

“I’m out with a…” He glances at Tanner, who’s staring at the ground. “…a friend.”

“I didn’t know you had friends.”

“Well, he’s not exactly that.” Cameron drops his voice to a whisper. “It’s Tanner.”

“Tanner Jackson? That asshole who broke your heart?” Charlotte hisses. “Put him on the phone. I got a few choice words for that guy.”

“Char, it’s fine. We’re chill, okay? He’s been cool.”

“You didn’t even tell me that he was in the city.”

“I definitely mentioned multiple times that he was teaching at my school.”

“Okay, so is it a date? What else are you hiding?”

“No! God, no.” Cameron can feel himself blushing. “It’s not a date, okay? I wouldn’t lie to you like that.”

“Fine, but I expect to hear all the details later.”

“I’ll call you later, okay? I love you.”

“Nerd. Love you too.”

Cameron sighs and puts his phone back in his pocket.

“Hey, sorry about that.”

“No worries.” Tanner still won’t look up from his shoes. He seems almost…upset? “How long have you guys been together?”

“What?”

“You called the guy Char. Is his name Charlie?” Tanner pulls his hat down over his ears. “If it’s bothering him that I’m with you, I can just leave—“

“No, no, no! You’ve got it totally wrong.” Cameron rolls his eyes. “I was talking to Charlotte. My sister.”

“Oh!” Tanner’s face turns red as Cameron’s scarf. “I didn’t—I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have assumed.”

“It’s fine. Really,” he assures him. “It’s an easy mistake to make.”

“So… are you dating someone?”

It’s a bit of a personal question, but Cameron finds himself shaking his head before he can stop himself.

“No. Nobody at the moment.”

“Yeah, me neither.”

Which is surprising, because Tanner’s a very attractive person (from an objective standpoint, of course). He’s got that all-American appeal that most people at their high school went crazy for. In the years since they’ve seen each other, he’s clearly learned how to dress. His mousy-brown hair looks better, too. He cut it in senior year, but it reaches the nape of his neck in a pseudo-mullet now.

“I think we should try a bake sale next time.” Cameron shrugs. “Indoors and much more inviting.”

“It’s kinda fucking freezing, isn’t it?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you want to get some food or something?”

Silence.

“Sure.”

May 20, 2014

“So you still don’t have a prom date?” Tanner flicks an eraser shaving at Cameron. “Quit that. And I don’t buy the ‘nobody wants to go with me’ for a fucking second.”

“And why’s that?”

“You’re a good-lookin’ guy. You’re smart. You get good grades. You’re nice. Why wouldn’t a girl want to go with you?”

“Probably because they’re too busy staring at you,” Cameron hisses. “You’re a fucking quarterback. You look like you stepped out of a Sports Illustrated—“

“That doesn’t mean what you think it means—“

“—and you’ve got that sexy accent and better hygiene than most guys in our grade.”

“Okay, first of all, everyone in our school has an accent ‘cept for you. Second, everyone thinks I’m gay because I spend all my time with you.”

“Boys!” Both of them snap their attention to their Calculus teacher, Mr. Tara, who looks more than a little annoyed. “If you could put your prom plans on hold for just a few minutes, I do have a lesson to teach.”

“Sorry, sir.” Cameron pretends to flip through his notebook. His eye is beginning to heal, and his sprained wrist barely bothers him anymore.

“It won’t happen again,” Tanner mutters, trying not to laugh.

Their voices drop to whispers once the class breaks into pairs for their assignment.

“You know, if neither of us have dates, we might as well just go and hang out with each other.”

Well, that was unexpected. Better yet, Cameron doesn’t even seem fazed by what he said. He’s just scribbling away at his equation, chewing on the end of his pencil while he tries to recall the values of the 30-60-90 triangle.

Tanner, on the other hand, is red as a cherry.

“As friends, right?” He tacks that ‘right?’ on like it’s a last-minute adjustment, a piece of Scotch tape holding together a broken vase.

“Obviously.”

“Do I gotta buy you a corsage?”

“If you want.” Cameron smirks. “I’ll get you a rose if you do.”

“Should I pick you up in a limo?”

“Your truck will be just fine.”

“Are we actually doin’ this?”

“Why not?”

Tanner contemplates for a moment.

“I’ll pick you up at six.”

May 27, 2014

A week passes, and Cameron is currently sitting on his bed, staring at his mirror, trying desperately to get his hair in place. It refuses to stay still. He should’ve left it longer—letting his dad cut it with kitchen scissors was not a smart decision.

“You haven’t even gotten your tux on yet?” Charlotte leans against his doorframe, smirking. “Isn’t your boyfriend gonna be here any second now?”

“Don’t you have a seance to be at? Or an AA meeting?”

“Ha-ha. Let me see your suit.”

Cameron holds up a hanger with a dark blue suit and red tie. Charlotte nods her approval and promptly snatches the hairbrush out of Cameron’s hands.

“Hey! I need that!”

“Your hair looks better like this. Trust me.”

“I just want to look good for him, okay? Is that so wrong?”

The words tumble out of his mouth before he can think twice. He feels Charlotte’s eyes on him as he turns his head.

“Cam, is there something you want to tell me?”

“…”

“Cameron.”

“Okay! Okay! Maybe I like him, okay? Just a little bit. Or a lot.” Cameron covers his face with his pillow. “I don’t know. I just really like being around him, and he’s really sweet, and a couple weeks ago when he was over we kind of almost kissed but I don’t think it meant anything to him—“

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold your fucking horses.” Charlotte crashes onto the bed next to him. “How long has this been going on?”

“I don’t really know. It just hit me gradually, you know? Like, one day he’s just my friend, and the next day I’m thinking about kissing him, and when I was in the hospital and he came to see me I was like ‘oh shit, I think I like you’. It’s kind of always been there.”

“So…you’re gay?” Charlotte doesn’t look upset at all. He knew she wouldn’t be, but it’s still a relief to see the smile in her eyes.

“Yeah. I guess.” Cameron shakes his head. “Look, you can’t tell Dad, okay?”

“Why not?” She puts a hand on his shoulder. “I think he’d be supportive. He really loves you.”

“I know. I just—I wanna tell him on my own time, when I know I’m ready. Right now it’s still too fresh.” Fingers card through his hair, working loose all the product he put into it. “I barely understand who I am. I don’t need to make things more complicated by having someone tell me I’m something I’m not.”

“You know I’ll support you either way, right?”

“Thank you.” He smiles. “Really. It means a lot.”

“You’re welcome. You’d better get dressed.”

“Yeah, I will.”

He’s adjusting his tie just as Tanner pulls up to his driveway. He grabs his wallet and house keys and runs out the door, a little out of breath when he sees Tanner standing in the driveway.

He looks—for want of a better word— fantastic. His dark gray suit is clearly a little too big, the sleeves just a little too baggy, but the smile he’s giving him and his freshly-washed hair make Cameron’s heart pound.

“Hey.” His smile is so bright that it almost glints off the paint job. “Where’s the rose?”

“Oh.” Cameron blinks. “We were serious about that?”

“No…of course not! That’d be ridiculous.” Tanner slips something behind his back. Cameron narrows his eyes.

“What are you hiding back there?”

“Nothin’.”

“Let me see.”

“Nuh-uh.”

“Come on!” He’s laughing, running up to Tanner and reaching for his arms. “What, is it something bad?”

“No, it’s just embarrassin’—“

“Oh, my God. My curiosity is piqued.” He reaches past Tanner’s waist, trying to get behind his back. “I promise I’m not gonna make fun of you—“

“Camry, watch out—“

They topple into the open passenger door of the truck, whatever’s in Tanner’s hand clutched high above their heads.

Tanner’s pinned to the seat, stunned as a rock. He looks so dumbstruck that Cameron would be teasing him right now if it weren’t for the heat curling in his stomach. They’re so close. It feels like there’s no space between them, though in reality Cameron’s body is hovering just over Tanner’s as he holds onto the roof of the truck.

He pretends not to notice how furiously Tanner’s blushing.

The item, as Cameron deduces when he backs up and lets Tanner sit up, is a clear plastic box. With a red flower inside.

“Is this a corsage?” Cameron grins, taking it out of Tanner’s hands and admiring it. “Holy shit. You bought me a corsage?”

“I told you it was embarrassing,” Tanner mutters, covering the lower half of his face with his hand. “I thought you were serious about the flower thing!”

“Tan, that’s so cute. ” Cameron admires the flower through the box. “I feel bad, though. I didn’t get you a rose.”

“Well, someone’s gotta wear it. I paid twenty bucks for it.”

“Oh, believe me. I’m wearing it.” Cameron turns around and walks to the garden, plucking a single red carnation from the flowerbed. “Here. Now we match.”

“How thoughtful. Not like I took the time to go down to the florist and buy a floral arrangement while you just pulled one out of your ass,” Tanner teases.

He puts the flower in his buttonhole anyway.

The gym still smells like sweat. The decorations are supposed to resemble the theme, ‘A Night in Paris’, but look more like the kind you’d see in a rehab facility.

All in all, the boys are standing off to the side, watching everyone else dance or drink from the spiked punch.

“Some party,” Cameron mutters. “Why did we pay 30 bucks for this? Think of all the stuff we could’ve bought with that.”

“A $30 Applebee’s gift card.”

“Six five-dollar footlongs.”

“I think we’re hungry.”

“Speaking of hungry…” Tanner subtly points to a group of girls over by the punch table. “That girl in the blue dress has been starin’ at you all night.”

“Um, that’s not it, dude.” Cameron shakes his head. “She’s staring at you.”

“Why? Do I have somethin’ on my face?” Tanner peers at his reflection in Cameron’s glasses.

“She probably wants to dance, idiot. Go and talk to her.”

“You think so?” He glances over to her, narrowing his eyes briefly before turning back to Cameron. “You gonna be okay on your own for a minute?”

“I’m fine, man. Go.”

“I don’t wanna leave you here all by yourself—”

“Hey, Tanner.” The girl’s holding a red cup that’s probably full of very potent alcohol, tilting a head of dark hair at them both. She scares them both with how suddenly she appears, like she teleported. Cameron, ever the present mind, saves Tanner’s ass by recalling her name.

“Oh, hey. Monica, right?”

“Yeah. And you are?” Something about the way she’s looking at Cameron doesn’t sit right with him. It’s like he’s a pesky bug that she wishes would go away. “Wait, don’t tell me. It’s Carson, isn’t it?”

“Cameron,” Tanner mutters. “His name’s Cameron.”

Monica rolls her eyes.

“My bad. Tanner, do you want to dance?”

“Sure.” He casts a searching look at Cameron, who nods. “Why not?”

They move closer to the center of the room as a slower song begins to play. Monica places her arms on Tanner’s shoulders, the positioning so awkward that the left-brained part of him wants to push her off and make her redo it. He ignores it, though, and puts two hands on her sides, trying to touch her as little as possible.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you at one of these before.” Monica gestures to the decorations. “The whole party thing doesn’t seem like your speed.”

“Well, Cameron wanted to go, so I went with him.” Tanner shrugs. “I mean, there’s only so many times a man can hear ‘Turn Down For What’ before he goes a little insane, but other than that it’s been okay so far.”

“Of course you came with Cameron.” Monica rolls her eyes. “I swear, it’s like you two are joined at the hip. Nobody ever gets a moment alone with either of you.”

“Why do you sound like that’s a problem?”

The music changes to some cheesy Christina Perri song, one that he’s heard blaring from Charlotte’s room multiple times whenever she had a breakup. Those nights kind of sucked because Cameron was always busy comforting her and they never got to actually enjoy the sleepover, but he’d always invite Tanner to tag along when they trashed the boyfriend’s car.

“Well, if you ever had a girlfriend,” Monica lilts with no small amount of suggestion, “you wouldn’t be able to spend half as much time with him.”

“Which is why I don’t have a girlfriend.”

“You don’t have a girlfriend because you like your friend too much to stop spending so much time with him?”

It’s a sarcastic comment, probably meant to make Tanner laugh or establish a rapport, but instead he feels alert. Awake, like when the football’s sailing through the air and he’s right in front of it, it’s coming toward him, he has his hands out and he can catch it—

They spin in their awkward waltz, and he sees Cameron leaning against the wall. They lock eyes, a more intense stare than either of them has ever offered the other.

Tanner realizes just how good his best friend looks under blue-tinted light, how his flushed face and messy black crop of hair and dorky glasses just make it impossible to look away. Cameron gives him a knowing smile, snickers at how stupid Tanner’s slack-jawed face must seem right now, and something in Tanner’s brain just flips.

Oh. This is what’s been wrong with him. This is why he’s wanted to spend every waking minute by Cameron’s side, why he felt so angry when he was attacked, why he kissed his forehead that night when no one was around to see him. The face that enters his dreams doesn’t feel so faceless anymore, because maybe it was always Cameron.

He’s heard people say that when you fall in love with someone, it’s slowly and sweetly. You wake up one day and you just know, or it’s love at first sight and you never doubted it in the first place.

But right now, his emotions are crashing into him like a tidal wave. He breaks away from Monica, ignoring her scoff and curse, and stands in the middle of the floor for a hot minute before he realizes that he does not want to do this in front of the entire school.

He runs into the bathroom instead, slamming the stall door behind him and staring at the various dicks and middle fingers that have been scrawled on the walls over the years.

God, what is he supposed to do? Now that he’s realizing how he’s felt all this time, it’s growing stronger with each passing second, like an hourglass with a bottom half that’s beginning to touch the neck of the glass.

Does he have to tell Cameron that he’s gay? Jesus, what would his dad do if he found out?

Now that Tanner’s considering the possibility of who and what he is, the crippling fear of rejection is starting to set in. Cameron might not even be gay. Sure, they’re affectionate with each other, but Cameron’s just an affectionate person. He’s not the one who kissed Tanner’s forehead. He’s not the one who bought Tanner a corsage. How has he been coming off all this time?

Even if Cameron’s into guys, it’s not like he would automatically like Tanner back. That’s kind of a bad stereotype, and it’s not one that Tanner is looking to perpetuate.

Cameron’s too kind to rip Tanner’s heart out, but love is a fragile thing. Even the sweetest, most sympathetic rejection is still a rejection.

The door opens. Familiar footsteps clack across the tiles. Tanner gets up from his seat on the toilet lid, praying that it isn’t who he knows it is.

“Tan?” Cameron’s voice sounds somewhat concerned. “You okay in there?”

“Uh—yeah, I’m fine. I’ll be out in a minute.”

“You kind of left Monica on the floor out there. She was pretty pissed.”

Tanner sighs and slides the lock of the door open, walking out and heading toward the sink to wash his hands. Cameron persists with the questions.

“Why’d you stop dancing with her? She clearly likes you.”

“Do you think she’s cute?” Tanner stares into Cameron’s fucking soul like it’ll give him a goddamn clue as to what his best friend thinks.

“I mean, from an objective standpoint, sure. She’s not really my type, though.” Cameron tilts his head. “Is she your type?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it.”

“So what’s your type, then? What are you looking for?” He doesn’t miss the up-and-down look that Cameron gives him, like he wants to know for a reason that isn’t curiosity.

“I don’t know. Dark hair. Nerdy.” He glances at Cameron again. “Sarcastic. Maybe a little bit mean to me.”

“Interesting.” Cameron grins wickedly. “Me, but a girl?”

“Not necessarily?” He slumps against the stall door. “I don’t know. I haven’t really liked a girl in a long time.” His voice drops to a mumble. “I don’t really know that I ever did.”

It should be difficult for him to talk about this. He expected to be scared to speak, afraid to reveal something so secret, but Cameron draws it out of him like he’s magnetic, and Tanner is just a rusty nail caught in the field.

Cameron’s smiling sweetly. Of course he is. It’s always been compassion and kindness and playful teasing with him, a comfortable rapport that flows naturally. It’s why they became such fast friends. It’s that friendly smile that led them to sit next to each other.

And it’s his smooth, lilting voice that guns down every single one of Tanner’s defenses when he says

“Do you want to get out of here?”

moodboards • playlist • masterlist • oc info

So it feels like a bad omen that his coffee tastes like shit today, and even more so because he’s waiting for Tanner to get here.

The chilly December air is enough to draw several people into the warm shop, seeking shelter from the cold and dreary rain. They never get proper snow like you see in the movies—only a sad, gray slush that inevitably tracks into your house and ruins your shoes.

He spots Tanner coming down the street in a red scarf and leather jacket, sticking out like a sore thumb amongst the sea of people clad in thick wool coats and winter boots. Tanner runs hot (Cameron would know after all the times that he used him as a personal furnace) but Cameron has the urge to make him put on a hat as he enters the shop.

“Hey.” Tanner pulls out a chair, smiles at Cameron as he sits down. “Were you waiting long?”

“Nah, not at all.” Cameron takes a sip of his coffee. “How was the commute?”

“Fine. I live in walking distance,” Tanner explains.

“Ah.”

“Yup.”

“Do you have a MetroCard yet?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s good.”

What are they even supposed to say? It was Tanner’s idea for them to meet up, but Cameron was the one who picked the spot. Their conversations used to flow so easily. Why does this feel so unnatural?

“I think I’m gonna get a drink,” Tanner says, standing up and rubbing his hands together. “Warm up a bit.”

“I’ll be here.”

He watches Tanner get in line. Watches him order (coffee with cream and no sugar, most likely) and pick up his coffee at the window. Would it be rude to glance at his phone? He doesn’t want Tanner to think he’s ignoring him, but then again, why should Tanner care?

“Cameron?”

He snaps back to reality when Tanner’s chair screeches forward. His former friend rests his elbows on the table.

“Oh, sorry. Were you saying something?”

“I was just saying that it really means a lot. That you agreed to meet me. I appreciate it.” Tanner smiles, that indelible smile that Cameron remembers all too well. “I’m glad you came.”

“It’s nothing,” Cameron mutters. “But you said you had some kind of plan, for fundraising and all that. What exactly did you have in mind?”

“Oh, I’m so glad you asked.” Tanner whips out a Moleskine notebook and sets it down, flipping to a page somewhere in the middle with scribbled handwriting so messy that Cameron can barely interpret it. “Just take a look at some of the highlighted bullet points.”

“You’re a list maker now?” Cameron takes the book in his hands, scoffing at the idea. His eyes linger on a few sketches spread upon the pages, just little doodles here and there, but obviously Tanner’s work. A still life of a plant. A woman waiting at the stoplight, rendered in hurried ink with a shaky hand. A dog asleep on a doorstep, sketched out in highlighter and traced in brown pencil.

“Oh, those aren’t anything serious.” Tanner sounds almost embarrassed. “They’re pretty loose, but I do them to pass the time—“

“Tanner, these are really good.” Cameron lifts his brows as he studies the sketches further. “You’ve improved a lot. I mean, your old stuff was good, but these are so…they seem so real.”

“Well, thank you.” Tanner taps the page. “But maybe you should focus on the list?”

“Right. Sorry.” Cameron squints at the list scrawled out in black pen. “You might have to explain it to me.”

“I’ve organized all the fundraising ideas into tiers based on how much money they’ll make and how viable they are to maintain. For instance, a car wash would probably make a lot of money but it would need a lot of manpower and it’s also really cold outside. But a yard sale or something could bring in a lot of money and all we’d need to keep it going is some donations of items to sell.”

“This is cool.” Cameron tilts his head. “You’ve thought a lot about this, huh?”

“Only stayed up til 2 last night writing everything out,” Tanner huffs. “Thank God we’re on Christmas break. Are you doing anything over the holidays?”

“My dad and Charlotte are coming into town to stay with me. We’re probably just gonna stay in and make a shit ton of food.” Cameron nods to Tanner. “What about you? You gonna see your dad?”

“Oh.” Tanner freezes, and Cameron knows immediately that he’s made a mistake. “Um…”

“I’m sorry,” Cameron blurts. “I didn’t mean to assume, I just thought that—“

“No, it’s-it’s fine.” Tanner stares down into his coffee cup. “Actually, he…he passed away two years ago. Right before his 60th.”

Shit. Shit. Shit.

“Tan, I’m so sorry.” Cameron places a hand on the table. An invitation, but not a request. “That’s terrible. You must have been devastated.”

“It’s fine. Really.” Tanner shrugs. “We never really got along. Especially after I went to college.”

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

“Well, I studied at SAIC for my BA, and when I was there, I learned a lot about myself. I kind of realized how much bigger the world was. But when I came back after graduating to see my dad, he was weirdly distant. And then…”

“Then?”

“Then we had this big argument. He basically disowned me, and I haven’t spoken to him since I flew out to see him before he died.”

“Tan, I really am sorry.” Cameron knits his brows. “I can’t imagine what you’re feeling.”

“I appreciate that.” Tanner nods, staring past Cameron into some distant object. “I haven’t really talked to anyone about this. It’s kind of nice to get that off my chest.”

“If you ever want to talk about it, I’m here for you. I promise.”

Tanner doesn’t take the hand (Cameron didn’t expect him to) but he does offer a smile.

That’s all either of them can ask for, really.

May 15, 2014

In a full year of friendship, Cameron has never once blown Tanner off. They’ve always made plans and stuck to them, plotted them out, don’t even need to remind each other that they’ve got something planned.

So when Cameron didn’t call to let Tanner know that he’d be late to their lake day, he started freaking out a little.

A resounding ring sounds from the landline that Tanner’s dad still refuses to switch out for an actual cell phone.

“Tanner! Phone!”

“Yeah, yeah, I got it.” Tanner picks it up, praying secretly that it’s Cameron so he can chew him out for being late. Maybe his car broke down on the way over? They only live about a mile away from each other. Maybe he got sick. Tanner should bring some soup over.

“Hello? Is this the Jacksons? May I speak with Tanner?” Tanner immediately recognizes the voice as Cameron’s father’s.

“Oh, Mr. Chau. Hi. Yes, this is Tanner speakin’. Hey, have you seen Cameron anywhere today? We were s’posed to hang out but he never showed up—“

“Actually, Tanner, that’s what I wanted to speak to you about…”

Tanner’s never ran a red light before, but he ignored at least three on his way over here. He’s lucky that the police funding in this town is barely enough for five cop cars, all of which are currently breaking up a rager downtown.

Which way was the hospital again? He remembers his dad taking him for ice cream after his mom was admitted to the ER. It was one of his few shining moments, enough to convince Tanner that everything would be okay.

He has to get to Cameron. It’s the only thing he can think about. Is he injured? Paralyzed? Concussed? Did they break his arms? Did they bash his head against a wall? The images that pop into his head make him want to vomit.

He parks haphazardly in the visitor lot by the Dairy Queen and scrambles out of his truck, barely remembering to snatch the keys out of the ignition. The gravel of the lot flings out under his worn-out sneakers. It hits his legs and makes him wince, but he doesn’t stop running until he slips through the main entrance and into the lobby.

“Excuse me,” he pants, practically collapsing over the front desk. “I’m here to see Camry—Cameron Chau.”

“Are you family?” The receptionist raises an eyebrow, pulling up Cameron’s file.

“He’s okay,” a voice sounds from behind him. He turns to see Charlotte standing behind him, the end of a cigarette still twirled between her fingers. “Go on in, Tanner. He’s in Room 207.”

“Thanks, Char.” He shoves his car keys in his pocket, narrowly avoiding bumping into a nurse. “I owe you one!”

The elevator ride to the second floor is anxiety-ridden torture. The walk down the hall is torture. Asking for directions to 207 is torture.

But when he knocks at the door and hears Cameron’s raspy voice inviting him in, all of that fades.

He looks better than Tanner had expected, but it’s still terrifying to see the person he cares about most lying in a hospital bed, a dark bruise below his left eye, wearing some kind of brace around his arm. He’s got stitches on his cheek.

“Tan,” Cameron breathes. “You came.”

“Of course I came,” he gasps. As if he’d ever forsake him. “Oh God, Camry, what the hell happened?” He drops his bag and runs to the chair at Cameron’s bedside. “Your dad made it sound like-like you fucking died or something over the phone.”

“I got jumped,” Cameron rasps. Grinning like the Cheshire Cat. “Pretty badass, right?”

“No! No, it’s not.” Tanner takes Camry’s hand and clasps it between his own. “Tell me who did this. Tell me why.”

“You don’t even know them,” he lies. Tanner knows he’s lying. He knows Cameron better than anyone. “They live in the next town over. I think they got me mixed up with some other Asian kid.”

“This ain’t funny at all, Camry.” Tanner knits his brows. “People tried to hurt you. And I wasn’t there to protect you.”

“You definitely shouldn’t blame yourself.”

“I definitely shouldn’t have let you get hurt.”

“You didn’t let me do anything.” Cameron squeezes his hand. “You couldn’t have known. I know you would’ve had my back if you were there.”

“Seriously, Camry. I wanna know who did this.”

“If I tell you, it’s not going to make it better.” Cameron sits up further in his bed, wincing a little when his arm jostles. “You’re just gonna go beat them up, and then they’re gonna beat you up, and then everything will just escalate until it’s you in a hospital bed instead of me.”

“So you’re really not going to tell me?” Tanner crosses his arms, more confused than angry. “You’re completely fine with the fact that they might do it again if I’m not there to protect you?”

“I don’t need you to protect me,” Cameron mutters.

“Right. And that’s why you’re here right now?”

“Look, guys like them—this isn’t elementary school, Tan. You can’t fix everything by telling the teacher and using your fists. They were picking on me because I was an easy target. I’m sure that in a week they won’t even glance my way.”

“And you’re okay with that?” Tanner shakes his head. “I know exactly what bullies are like, Camry. They’ll keep doin’ this if you don’t stand up for yourself. Let me be there when they do. Let me fix this.”

“I don’t want you to fix this for me, Tan.”

“Then at least tell me why they attacked you.”

Cameron stares him hard in the face. It’s a look that Tanner’s familiar with, like glaring down the barrel of a gun. Cameron has the most intense eyes that he’s ever seen, dark and blazing.

“You know why,” he says after a moment of silence.

Because he’s different. And not just because he’s from somewhere else.

“So what do you want from me?”

“I don’t need you to be my hero right now.” Cameron pulls his knees up to his chest. “I just need you to be my friend.”

Tanner sighs and takes off his shoes. He clambers into Cameron’s bed, resting against the pillows next to him.

“I can do that.” He turns on the TV, flipping through the cable guide. “Wanna watch Chopped?”

“You read my mind,” Cameron replies. They watch the contestants open baskets full of parsley, sardines, caramel sauce, and grapefruit.

“Is this girl really makin’ a soup?” Tanner rolls his eyes. “You’d think they’d learn. Soups never get past the round.”

“It’s like they don’t even watch the show,” Cameron concurs.

“If we were on this, we’d be way better.”

“Maybe I would.” Cameron grins wickedly at Tanner, who simply rolls his eyes. “You couldn’t cook a peanut butter sandwich.”

“I resent that. I made a fried egg yesterday.”

“And how did it taste?”

“That’s beside the point.”

“Exactly.”

Tanner slips under the covers, shrugging off his jacket and leaning back once more. Cameron watches him. At least, it feels like he does.

“You know, I think you’re the only person at our school who’s gonna visit me.”

“Their loss,” Tanner replies.

December 18, 2024

Odysseus jumps on Cameron when he gets home, like he always does. For a 3-year-old Bernese, he’s fairly light, but the beef potstickers that they both eat almost daily are enough to pack a punch.

“Aw, I missed you, Ody.” Cameron scratched behind his ears. “Hey, you wanna go for a walk in the snow?”

He takes Ody’s enthusiastic scramble toward the leash as a yes, clicking the collar to the dog’s neck and tying a scarf around his own. The sun is close to going down, but it’s still warm enough to take his dog out.

Is it a little pathetic that Cameron’s current best friend can’t speak, think for himself, or wipe his ass?

Better to be alone than in bad company, he supposes.

Not, of course, that Tanner is bad company. It’s weird, though. He’d expected Tanner to be completely different in adulthood. When he’d imagined their paths crossing as a bitter teenager, it was always Cameron who was rich and successful, and Tanner who was washed-up, old, and unhappy.

Now it seems that they’re both in the same boat. The worst part is that Tanner really does seem sorry for what he did. He’s apologized profusely, treated Cameron with respect and civility, given him space when he’s needed it. So what does that make them? Friends? Colleagues? Acquaintances?

In the end, it doesn’t really matter. The past is the past. Tanner can’t change what he did, and Cameron can’t undo the misery he felt when Tanner left. It’s enough for now to classify their relationship as amicable, if nothing else. It’s enough for now to say that he accepts the apology, even if he hasn’t moved on from the pain.

The sun’s gone down and Ody’s fur is covered in snow by the time they get back to Cameron’s apartment. He ushers his dog into the shower, rinsing the clumps of snow off and giving him a bit of a bath for good measure.

As he digs through his freezer for the frozen pizza, his phone buzzes a familiar tone. It’s a link from Tanner. When he opens it, he’s met with an incredibly elaborate Canva flyer for a last-minute Christmas toy drive. He can only assume that Tanner made it, since no one else he knows likes the color orange that much.

There’s one text underneath the link.

6:34 PM [tanner] are you free on the 20th?

moodboards • playlist • masterlist • oc info

Of course, there are times when he remembers why he started teaching art in the first place—the smile on a kid’s face when they present a drawing that they worked hard on, the ability to work with his hands instead of having to deal with complicated numbers and formulas (he was never bound for a STEM school), and the freedom of choosing projects to complete and give to his kids.

However, stuck in the most boring meeting of his entire life with no end to the principal’s spiel in sight, Tanner really just wants a cold beer.

The last time he got drunk, it didn’t end very well, but Cameron would’ve ended up back in his life anyway. Fate? No, more like sadism on God’s part. He’s sick and tired of this shit.

Without intending to, his eyes flick to Cameron across the boardroom table for the millionth time in the last hour.

He ditched the glasses today, opted for his contacts, and Tanner’s pissed about it. Cameron looks good, with his messy hair and Nirvana shirt. Did he start listening to Nirvana in the last ten years? He was never a big fan before. God, he’s gotten about three feet taller since senior year.

He looks upset about something. In the past, Camry—Cameron was always smiling, or at least relaxed. He took life as it presented itself and rolled with the punches, but this Cameron across from him seems stressed about something every single moment of the day. Maybe Tanner’s to blame for this change in demeanor, but the stress of teaching is not to be taken lightly.

John Lowell, the district liaison (who’s bald as a banana with a personality that few envy), still hasn’t shut up.

“As a few of you may know, the district has decided to heavily cut funding to the arts and humanities departments in lieu of the decision to promote STEM in our schools. In order to perpetuate this, we’re going to have to start making some changes around campus.”

Tanner’s jaw drops. Cut the funding? What is there to cut?

Lowell continues, but Tanner is almost too furious to listen.

“We won’t be able to purchase any new music this year for our band and choir programs—“

Several groans and curses from the four music teachers.

“We‘ll have to postpone this year’s production of Mamma Mia to 2026—“

Stacy Chambers, the director, literally snaps her pencil in half.

“And we’re considering cutting off our advanced art classes entirely, as well as our AP Literature class.”

Tanner stands up, his chair screeching across the cheap floor. Cameron follows suit, as both teachers stare at Lowell.

“You can’t do that,” Tanner spits. “You can’t just get rid of an entire class. Our students need that class if they want to stay competitive in art colleges—“

“This is insane! AP Lit is absolutely essential to the portfolio of—“

They both pause. Stare at each other.

“You can’t do this!” They both shout toward Lowell at the same time.

“Mr. Jackson, Mr. Chau, have a seat.” Lowell looks positively livid, red as a lobster. “Your jobs are not in danger by any means. Jackson can still teach ceramics, and Chau can still teach English 12.”

“This is an insult.” Cameron lifts his chin, straightens his back. His eyebrows are dark, thick, and knit with anger. “My students are part of my class because they are desperate to learn about the human condition, because they want to build brighter futures for themselves. To take that right away from them would be tyranny.”

“Does the district think that art isn’t as important as science and math? It is. I’d say it’s the most valuable thing a person can consume. You people are way out of line,” Tanner insists. Is he crazy, or did Cameron just give him a look of approval?

“I’m sorry, gentlemen, but that’s simply where the budget stands. Until such time as the district can find the money to re-implement those classes, they’ll be eliminated next year.”

“Yeah, fuck that.” Cameron shoulders his bag. “I’m out of here. See you all tomorrow.”

Tanner follows wordlessly. They walk down the hall, parallel to each other, in perfect silence.

“This is bullshit. This is such bullshit.” Cameron cards his fingers through tufts of jet-black hair. “They can’t do this to us. It’s not fair.”

“Yeah, it sucks.” Tanner crosses his arms over his red hoodie. “Do you think they’re really going to cut our classes?”

“After what we just did, it’s more likely that they’ll just fire us. That would save them some cash.”

“We’re Union. They can’t do that.”

“Wouldn’t put it past them.” Cameron jingles his car keys in his hands. This is the longest they’ve talked since the dinner, almost a week ago. “I really don’t want to get another job. God, I wish there was something we could do.”

“Wait a second.” Tanner puts his hand on Cameron’s shoulder, tapping it excitedly, like he used to do back when Cameron was still shorter than him. “There is something.”

“What? What is it?”

“We could raise the money. Raise enough to keep our classes for another year.”

“How?”

“Bake sale, car wash, dog walking— anything.”

“Tan—I mean—Tanner, that’s crazy.”

“We could do it! I really think we could!”

“You’re too optimistic for your own good.”

“You used to be Mr. Blue Sky. What happened to you?”

“Gee, I wonder.”

The sarcastic comment leaves a void between the two of them, one that Tanner has to summon all his courage to cross.

“Look, I know you’re mad at me. I know you hate me. But we’ve got the same problem here, and we have the chance to save our jobs and help our students, and you won’t even consider it?

“It’s not a real chance, Tanner. You know that. We’d be wasting time and energy. Grasping at straws.”

Cameron begins to walk out to his car. It’s begun to rain, but Tanner still follows after him, indignant.

“At least I’m not giving up.”

“Tanner, you of all people should know that I excel at delusion.” Cameron turns his head in the parking lot, glaring at him. “When I believe in something, I don’t let it go. I hold onto it until it hurts. Don’t invite me to take that pain.”

“Cameron, I know I hurt you, but I’m really—“

“Don’t.”

Cameron’s eyes well up. He steps backward, covers his face with his hand. His voice is shaky, like he’s afraid.

“Camry…”

“I’ll see you later. Good luck, Tanner.”

Tanner. Not Tan.

Cameron gets in his car and drives away, leaving Tanner soaked and confused.

The steaming hot water of the shower is almost as heavy as the thoughts that seem to pull on Cameron’s mind.

He feels bad for snapping at Tan. He feels bad that he feels bad. Why should he regret anything? He’d like to convince himself that Tanner treated him like shit, that he was cruel and unkind and manipulative, but that wasn’t true and it still isn’t.

Tanner has always been a good person. It’s just hard for Cameron to accept that he wasn’t the best friend in the world.

“Friend” might actually be the worst word to describe what they were.

Arkansas, 2014

“What’s wrong, Tan?” Cameron opens the screen door, smiles at the drenched boy on his porch. Tan shivers from the September rain. His eyes are rimmed with red, and his brown hair sticks to his forehead from the dampness.

“Just feelin’ like shit.” Tan wipes his nose. “Can I come in?”

He’s obviously been crying, and Cameron’s heart sinks for him. He’s always been fiercely protective of Cameron, since the moment they met, and the thought of someone hurting him is too much to bear.

“Of course.” He takes Tan’s hand, pulls him in. “Why don’t you take your shoes off and I’ll make you some coffee?”

“Okay.” Tan obeys, like he’s too numb to think about it.

“D’you wanna take a shower and get dry? I’d hate for you to catch a cold. I could run a bath for you if you want?”

“I don’t—I don’t know—“

“How do you take your coffee?” Cameron walks over to the pot he was already drinking. “Wait, stupid question. It’s cream but no sugar, right?”

“Camry, why are you being so nice to me?” Tan looks up from the kitchen table to the counter where Cameron is sitting, waiting for the coffee to heat up.

“What do you mean? You’re my best friend.” Cameron walks over, tucks a stray strand of hair out of Tan’s eyes. “I care about you. I want to take care of you.” He kneels in front of Tan, eyes soft and sweet.

“I don’t know if I deserve that kinda princess treatment from you, Camry.”

“You do. You do deserve it. More than anyone I know.”

“You’re too kind to me.” Tan looks away, but Cameron steers his face back with the heel of his palm.

“Maybe the world hasn’t been good enough to you to make you see how amazing you are,” Cameron whispers, “but I see it. I see it. You matter to me more than anything in the world.”

“Don’t say that if you don’t mean it,” Tan mutters, shifting away.

Cameron can’t have that. Can’t let him get away feeling this bad about himself. He reaches out, hooks his hands around the backs of Tan’s knees and pulls him closer.

“I do mean it,” he insists, ignoring the slight blush that arises on his face, standing up just enough to meet Tan’s eyes. “Tan, you mean the world to me…”

Inexplicably, suddenly, painfully, Cameron’s eyes drop to Tan’s lips.

And Tan’s drop to his.

Warm breath, ghosting over his lips, sweet like those strawberries Tan loves. Cameron finds himself wanting to close the gap between them.

“Camry?”

As quickly as he touched him, his hands shrink away. Cameron looks up at Tan through dark lashes. He pulls back.

“Sorry. Sorry, I don’t—I don’t know what I was thinking. I’ll make the coffee.”

“Camry—“

“No, it’s-it’s fine. Don’t even worry about it.”

“Camry, you don’t have to…”

“Can we just forget that happened?”

Tan blinks hard, shakes his head a little.

Cameron rolls onto his back, rubbing his eye with the heel of his palm. His ceiling fan hypnotizes him as it spins in a lazy circle.

“Fuck.”

The red glow of his alarm clock indicates that it’s 2:30 in the morning, but it feels like he’s traveled around the entire world and experienced 24 hours worth of jet lag.

It’s such a bad habit, and he really shouldn’t, but he leans over to check his phone.

There’s a few texts. All from Tanner.

1:37 [tanner] hey it’s me tanner you probably already knew that listen i’m sorry for pressuring you today i shouldn’t have done that you have a right to decide what you want the offer still stands if you change your mind

Cameron sighs. His thumbs fumble as he replies:

it’s okay you were just trying to help it was a good idea maybe we can talk about it tomorrow?

moodboards • playlist • masterlist • oc info

“You spend an awful lot of time with that kid,” David points out. “Don’t you have any other friends?”

“Cameron’s really cool, Dad. What’s wrong with him?”

“He creeps me out. He don’t play any sports. He don’t have a girlfriend or even talk to girls. He spends all his time with his nose buried in a damn book.”

“Dad, Cameron’s completely normal.” Tanner stands up, washed his bowl in the kitchen sink. “He just ain’t much for doin’ things that other guys like to do.”

“I just don’t trust those California folks.”

Tanner stares at the tiles on the wall.

He isn’t stupid. He knows when his dad says ‘California folks’, what he really means is Chinese. Personally, Tanner never understood why it was such a big deal. And why didn’t he just say ‘Chinese’? Why does he always have to go and make things complicated?

“Well, I trust Cameron. He’s my best friend. And besides, you haven’t even met him officially. How do you know what he’s like?”

“I’m just tryin’ to look out for you, son.”

“I’m seventeen years old. I can look out for myself.”

Tanner shuts the door on his way out and hops into his pickup truck. It’s a dark green Silverado that he bought with his own money and he loves it like a son, calls it Dusty because the words “WASH ME” are permanently carved into the bumper.

Cameron’s waiting by the porch when Tanner pulls up to his house.

“Mornin’, Camry.”

“Hey, Tan.” Cameron’s glasses slide down his nose as he slides into the passenger’s seat. “Long time no see.”

Dusty pulls out of the driveway and down the faded street, the heat of spring break rolling through their skin.

“You saw me yesterday,” Tanner reminds him, laughing when Cameron rolls his eyes. “Clingy, ain’t ya?”

They stop at an intersection.

“Say that again. Your accent is sexy.”

“Shut your face,” Tanner mumbles, shoving Cameron good-naturedly.

“Make me.”

“Keep it up and I just might.”

Camry leans in close. So close. He bares his teeth in every smile, and Tanner’s eyes drop from Cameron’s irises to his sharp canines, to his lips.

He doesn’t have an explanation for the warmth that seeps into his skin—he blames it on the early heat wave, but Camry’s breath is warmer than the air outside.

“I’d like to see you try, tough guy.”

Tanner’s face is bright red.

The light turns green.

“You really shouldn’t be distractin’ me when I’m drivin’. We could crash.” Tanner covers the lower half of his face with one hand, trying not to smile.

“Look! Camry, I caught one!” Tan holds a minnow in his hands, cupped like he’s praying. Cameron looks down and pokes the tiny fish. “Aw, he’s kinda cute. Ain’t he cute?”

“He is,” Cameron agrees, but he isn’t looking at the fish.

The sun shines on Tan’s skin like he’s a damn ocean, it glints on his hair like the subtle shine of an old penny.

He wants to know what it feels like to run his hands through those dark brown waves, how Tanner’s voice would sound whispering sweet nothings into his ear.

Cameron isn’t sure exactly when he started thinking sappy shit like that, when he started to think of Tan as more than just a best friend.

When Tanner talks about girls he’s gone out with, it isn’t Tanner that Cameron is jealous of.

When their faces had met an hour ago, Cameron’s skin wasn’t just warm because of the April heat.

When images of lips and soft hands and whispers in the dark come to him, only one name echoes through his mind.

Tanner. Tanner. Tanner.

“Camry?” Tanner’s standing in the water with his pants rolled up to his knees. He smiles at Cameron. “You okay?”

“Yeah. Just zoned out for a minute.”

“I let the minnow loose.”

“Good.”

Tanner flops onto the riverbank and Cameron follows.

“Jesus, I’m tired.”

“We’ve only been out here for an hour,” Cameron teases. “Is Old Man Tan a little lethargic?”

“You and your big-ass words,” Tanner grumbles. “Fuckin’ show-off.”

“Good thing you like me.”

“Lucky, ain’t it?”

A comfortable silence passes between them. The grass waves, the water swishes around their feet, and birds chirp above their heads.

“Do you want to sleep over tonight?”

“Where’s your family?”

“My dad’s with my sister on her college tour.” Camry gets a carton of milk out of the fridge and takes a swig, offering it to Tanner. “Milk?”

“That’s gross.”

“Hate the sin, love the sinner.”

Tanner smiles. He loves how different Camry’s house is from his own. The smell of cooking food always fills it, different from the canned spaghetti they always end up having.

“Wanna order pizza?” Cameron opens his phone. “I’d make you some of the frozen dumplings, but I don’t feel like doing dishes.”

“As long as you don’t get those fuckin’ anchovies,” Tanner mumbles. “That shit’s nasty.”

“You need to expand your horizons, man.”

“Whatever. I’ll pay for it if you don’t get the anchovies.”

“Done deal. You want coffee?”

“Sure.”

They stay up so late that Tanner has to manually force himself to stay awake, but he doesn’t mind.

“Football’s such a bitch,” Tanner mumbles, struggling to find a comfortable spot on the floor when they finally go to Cameron’s room. It’s a hot night, and their shirts are discarded so they sleep in boxers. “My back’s hurtin’ worse than a witch’s boner.”

“I know for a fact that isn’t a common Southern term.”

“How would you know, city boy?”

“I’m smarter than you think.”

“I think you’re the smartest person I know.”

Silence.

“Because I’m Chinese?”

“No, you asshole. Because you just are. You’re smart. Dumb about a lot of things, but you’re still smart.”

He can feel Camry’s smile from the bed above him.

“If your back hurts, you can just sleep in my bed. I mean, it’ll be kind of a tight fit, but I want you to be comfortable.”

“You sure?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

Tanner smiles, picks his pillow up from the floor, stands at the edge of Camry’s bed. Camry opens the covers to him and he crawls in, sighing when he feels the mattress under his back.

His arm curls under his pillow as he turns to look down at Camry.

His breath hitches.

The blue moon shines on Camry’s skin, skin that seems to continue for miles without his shirt on. His eyes are soft brown, watching Tanner, always watching. Close-cropped black hair pokes Tanner’s elbow like grass. His lips are a heart, full and a little chapped but still soft.

Not, of course, that Tanner is looking at Camry’s lips.

Their ankles tangle together naturally, and Tanner can feel the curly down of Camry’s hair against his knee.

“Are you comfortable?” Camry smiles, eyes shining. He has such beautiful eyes.

“Your bed is better than mine,” Tanner admits.

“Maybe you should come over more often.”

“I already see you every day. Aren’t you sick of me?”

“I’ll never get sick of you,” Camry murmurs, half asleep. The words pierce Tanner’s heart, through his rib cage and into the tiny center of his soul that he hides from the rest of the world.

Camry has a way with worming his way into places where you don’t expect him, places where you didn’t think anything belonged, and convincing you that he’s meant to be there. Even now, his thigh is wedging itself in between Tanner’s, and he doesn’t even push him away.

“Yeah?” Camry’s half asleep, but Tanner still needs to say it. “I’ll never get sick of you either.”

“You sure?”

“I’ll follow you around until we’re old and gray.”

“Til death do us part,” Camry mutters, giggling. Tanner smiles. His eyes crinkle when he smiles.

“I do if you do.” His voice chokes a little, and Camry’s eyes flick open.

“You okay, Tan? Are you choking?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m okay.” Tanner’s voice is suddenly hushed, though moments ago they were chattering loud enough for the whole neighborhood to hear. “It’s just been a while since I—since I was this close to someone.”

And he means it in every sense of the phrase.

“I bet you say that to all your women,” Camry jokes.

But Camry is more than that. He’s never cared for anyone like this, never felt butterflies in his stomach when someone’s touched him until Camry.

“No, I don’t. I’ve never cared about anyone like I care about you.”

Camry’s lips part. A tiny breath escapes through them.

“Neither have I.”

Tanner closes his eyes, tries to get comfortable. His hand brushes Camry’s side, and he just lets it stay there. Maybe he’s an idiot, but he’s too tired to care. Camry’s hand rests on his hip.

“When I was little, my mom used to sing me to sleep if I was sick.” Camry’s voice is quiet, inflected with a soft smile. “She’d stroke my hair and kiss my forehead and tell me that everything would be okay.”

Tanner’s hand slips into Camry’s short hair, tugging gently at the waves.

“You must miss her a lot.”

“Yeah. But I guess that’s something we have in common.”

Deep down, they both know that they have their mothers to thank for this. This friendship, this bond they share, it never would’ve formed if they didn’t have matching wounds.

It was the summer of sophomore year, a sweltering August that seemed to stretch on without end.

Cameron had moved to Arkansas when he was twelve, to the town where his mom had wanted to be buried. She’d grown up there, and they didn’t want to be apart from her body. Besides, there had been nothing to live for in California after she’d died.

Tanner sometimes envied Camry for having a mother who was worth missing, who died from a real sickness rather than one that was self-induced.

Tanner hadn’t been at that graveyard to cry—he’d been there to scream. He had been so angry then, always sad, constantly lashing out at everyone until he didn’t have anyone left. He’d become an outcast, throwing himself into football, ignoring the comments his teammates made about him.

He was angry that his mother was gone. Angry that she hadn’t cared enough about him to stick around, that she’d left him alone with his dad in a loveless home. Angry that she’d never told anyone about how sad she really was, that she’d chosen those fucking drugs over him.

He found Camry at the gravestone next to his mother’s. They didn’t say a word to each other, but that week when school started, neither of them had anyone to sit with.

“Can I sit here?” Cameron had smiled. Tanner looked up from his desk (he never slept) and blinked twice.

“Sure, if you want.”

“I want to.”

Now, over a year later, Tanner has friends again. He has good grades. He’s had some time to deal with his mom’s death, and so much has changed, but throughout all of it there’s one thing that remained constant.

Cameron.

Now, over a year later, Tanner’s hand traces gentle circles into Cameron’s bare back. He doesn’t know why he does it or why it feels so good to touch him, why his hands tingle when they’re splayed against Camry’s back.

“Do you think we’d still be friends if we hadn’t met in the graveyard?” Tanner strokes Camry’s spine. “If we’d just sat next to each other in class one day?”

Cameron smiles.

“Of course. I’d find you no matter what,” he whispers, yawning and closing his eyes. He begins to breathe more slowly.

“I think I’d like that. To be found.”

“You already are,” Camry yawns. “I found you. I’m great at finding things.”

“I know, Camry. Good night.”

“Night, Tan.” He rests his forehead on Tanner’s chest. “Can you sing for me?”

“I’m not much for singin’,” Tanner mutters, tender. Camry makes him like this—all soft inside, too weak to protect himself, too sweet to be bitter.

“It’s easy.” Camry murmurs to himself, faintly carrying a tune. “Slipping through my fingers all the time, I try to capture every minute~”

“You’re such a dork,” Tanner whispers through a grin. “That’s mom music.”

“The feeling in it, slippin’ through my fingers…”

Camry slumps against Tanner’s chest.

They lay there for a while, drowsy, and Tanner glances down.

Camry’s gotten everything tonight. The singing, the hair stroking—only the kiss is missing.

Softly, and so quickly that it could’ve never even happened at all, Tanner leans down and presses his lips to Cameron’s forehead.

He holds him tight in the darkness.

“You found me,” he breathes. “I’ll never let you lose me.”

moodboards • playlist • masterlist • oc info

“Because she wants to hint at what’s going to happen next,” someone chimes.

“Perfect. That’s exactly right. And what is that called?”

“Foreshadowing,” the class says in unison.

“You guys are so smart. Okay, we’re short on time, but there’s no homework tonight because I’m sure you guys would like to enjoy the long weekend.”

The bell rings, ending the school day, and everyone bolts out the door. Cameron shakes his head, smiling to himself, and packs up his backpack, turning his lights off on his way out of the classroom.

“Hey, Casey.” Cameron waves to a large man with a ginger beard. “Any plans for the weekend?”

“Nah, just going to dinner. Me and some of the other guys are taking the new hire out.”

“The one replacing Lisa?”

“Yeah! What subject did she teach again?”

“Art, I think. So it’s understandable why she quit.”

Casey points to Cameron’s chest. “Hey, you should come! It’s been a while since they saw you.”

“This better not be an attempt to set me up with Chris,” Cameron teases.

“Look, dude, he keeps about asking about you.”

“Just because he’s the only other gay guy I work with doesn’t mean that I want to fuck him.”

“Why not? He’s not that bad-looking.”

“When I introduced myself as the AP Lit teacher, he said that he was surprised my English was good enough.”

“Oh. That’s fair.” Casey shrugs. “Well, we’re going to be at Chili’s if you want to come by.”

“Could I hitch a ride home with you, actually? I took the subway here.”

“Sure! C’mon, I’ll drop you back at your place and then you can get your stuff.”

Tanner fixes his hair in the mirror, peering at his reflection.

His first day of work at Washington High was shit. His students are nice enough, but the facilities in his classroom are terrible. They tried to recycle clay and the water in the sinks didn’t even run. He dreads having to put in the work order.

It also doesn’t help that he’s still nursing his headache from the other day. Luckily, he hadn’t flubbed the interview and they’d allowed him to start almost immediately.

He’s called Cameron exactly six times. Not a single call, text, or voicemail has been answered.

Not that he can blame him. Tanner’s a grown man, almost in his thirties. He can admit when he’s fucked up.

And he fucked up big-time.

At least the other teachers are nice. They’re treating him to dinner tonight, something that his coworkers in the past have never done for him. He has a good feeling about this.

Maybe.

The restaurant is absolutely packed when they arrive. One of the women from the tech department (Katie? Kathryn?) waves him over to a long table where everyone’s sat down.

“Hi, everyone.” Tanner smiles politely and places his hand on the back of an empty chair. “I’m Tanner, Lisa’s replacement? Is this seat taken?”

There are a few heys and hellos, and someone motions for him to sit down, but for the most part everyone ignores him. He prefers it that way. At least he gets a free meal out of it.

The door opens and Tanner almost drops the glass he’s holding.

He could still bolt. Cameron could turn around right now and run away.

“This is the new guy I was telling you about!” Case grins. “Cameron, this is Tanner Jackson. Tanner, this is Cameron Chau.”

“We’ve met,” Cameron mumbles, squinting. The only open seat is right across from Tanner. He pulls out his chair with a grinding noise and flops into it, glaring hard at him.

“Oh, really? How do you know each other?”

“We met in high school,” Tanner explains.

“We go way back.” Cameron crosses his arms. “Way, way, way back.”

“Great! You two should get along great.”

“Sure,” Tanner says, sounding the opposite.

“Best friends.” The irony isn’t lost on Cameron.

The waitress starts at the end of the table.

“What can I get started for you today?”

“Ice water is fine, thank you.” Cameron doesn’t look away from Tanner.

“I’ll have a Corona if you’ve got it.” Tanner stares at Cameron over the menu.

“You sure that’s wise? I’d hate for somebody to have to come and get you later.”

“I’m a grown-ass man.”

“Then act like one.”

“You’re the one bickering at me over a stupid water!”

“We’re all chipping in to pay for your bill, so the least you could do is make it easy on us.”

“Fine.” Tanner drops his menu with a resounding smack. “Sorry,” he apologizes, turning to the waitress. “I think I’ll just have a water as well. Thank you so much.”

“Why are you so determined to weasel your way into my life?” Cameron points a fork at him. “What’s with the sudden empathy for me?”

Does he ever quit?

“You think the world revolves around you? I took this job because it was in the area and I needed money.”

“You said you’d had eight jobs this year. Why suddenly decide to teach? Do you even have your credential?”

“I was between them while I was getting the credential. This is my first year teaching.”

“Well, I hope you have shitty luck.”

“You’re so fucking bitter.”

“I wonder why.”

“Can’t you just be normal for five fucking seconds?”

“That’s what you always wanted, isn’t it? For me to be normal?” Cameron shakes his head. “Well, I’m sorry if I’m too loud or too gay or too difficult for you. I’m sorry that you feel inconvenienced by me. I’m sorry that you’re such a fucking loser who would rather shove his feelings down than talk about them,” he spits, standing up, “but it’s really not my problem anymore.”

They’ve been talking too loud. Every head at the table is staring at them, listening intently to their conversation.

“I’ll see you guys on Tuesday. I’m not hungry.”

He dreams about Cameron that night, after the lights are out and the sheets are pulled over his shoulders like he likes them.

“You’re such a dork,” Cameron teases. It’s a sunny afternoon and they’re sitting under the bleachers like they always did, roasting under the Arkansas sun. “You don’t even have a girlfriend’s initials to write next to yours.”

Tanner looks up from the heart and initials that he’s written in Sharpie on the basketball he’s holding.

“Well, I might someday. And I’d like to be prepared at a moment’s notice.”

“You’d have to find a sane soul willing to spend time with you first.”

“You’re sane, right?” Tanner grins. “Maybe I’ll write your initials down.”

“Fine, go ahead. You can pretend I’m Catherine Carter instead of Cameron Chau.”

“Why would I change your last name?”

“Your dad wouldn’t really appreciate you dating a Chinese girl.”

“Fuck him. He’s gonna have to deal with it.” Tanner scribbles Cameron’s initials into the heart in shitty handwriting. “Our love is purer than diamond.”

“Loser.”

“Hey, we’re both sitting under these bleachers because we have no other friends.”

“Yeah, but I have no friends because I’m the only Asian guy in the entire school—maybe the entire state—and you have no friends because you’re an idiot.”

“Say it to my face,” Tanner teases.

“Idiot.”

“I dare you.”

“Idiot,” Cameron taunts.

Tanner jumps onto him, only intending to make Cameron shriek but not accounting for how far he actually was falling.

He lands on top of him, their faces so close, thighs just barely touching. Cameron’s lips part and he breathes slowly, eyelashes fluttering.

Tanner’s frozen in time.

There’s a word for this feeling that creeps from the base of his spine to the nape of his neck. It feels almost like fear, but underneath the acrid taste of anxiety there’s a small hint of excitement.

For some ridiculous reason he imagines leaning down and closing the gap between them.

He isn’t gay. Neither is Cameron.

But the thoughts can’t be shoved back down.

moodboards • playlist • masterlist • oc info

“Issfine,” he slurs, slumped over the dirty bar.

“Don’t you have anywhere else to spend your Thursday night?”

“Nope,” Tanner mumbles, giggling a little. “Not anymore. Can’t go home. Can’t go to school because I’m a grown-up now. Can’t go to work because it’s midnight and I don’t start till tomorrow.”

“Don’t you have a friend’s house you could stay at? Or somewhere safe you could go?”

There used to be. Tanner remembers a warm house, where food was always cooking and someone always greeted him with a smile. He remembers sleepovers, remembers nights where he’d find himself desperately wanting to reach out in the darkness.

And when he’d finally had his chance, all those years ago, he’d missed it. Turned it down. Thrown it into the dirt and ground it under his heel.

“I could call him,” Tanner mutters. The bartender nods.

“Call him, okay? There’s no way you’re driving home in that state.”

Tanner picks up the phone. Scrolls through his contacts until he reaches a single name.

Cameron.

The phone rings exactly three times before someone picks up.

“Hello? Who’s this?”

“Cameron,” Tanner breathes. His voice is so much deeper now, ten years older than how it sounded back in high school. “Cameron, it’s me. Tanner.”

“Tanner? What the fuck? Why are you calling me?”

“I need a ride home,” Tanner hiccups. “You live in the city still, right?”

“It’s midnight. I just put my dog in the crate. Oh, and we haven’t fucking talked in ten years—because you cut me off, by the way. Why would I come pick you up?”

“I’m a shitty person,” Tanner croaks. “I know that. I know that the way I treated you was wrong. I shouldn’t have—you were my friend. I should’ve treated you better. I’m sorry.”

“I can’t believe you have the nerve to call me at this hour. The world doesn’t fucking revolve around you, you know.”

“Cameron,” Tanner pleads. “Cameron, I need you right now. I don’t—I don’t want to be alone.”

“You don’t want to be alone,” Cameron repeats to himself, almost in disbelief. He wants to laugh at the irony of it all.

Here he is, listening to Tanner, the first boy to ever break his heart, beg him to come and pick him up from a bar at midnight because he doesn’t want to be alone. Not remembering than Cameron was almost completely alone after Tanner left him, that he had to start over in senior year with no one there.

And he’s actually considering helping him, even after everything that’s happened between them.

“Please. Cameron, I can’t—you’re the only one who’ll even talk to me anymore. I need you.”

Cameron is bitter and angry and full of hatred, but he has never been a monster.

Even so, as he stops at intersections on the way to the location that Tanner sent him, he still bangs his head against the wheel.

He pulls up to the curb to find Tanner sitting outside the bar, looking like shit.

Cameron’s only seen Tanner in Instagram posts for the last ten years, so seeing him in person now is just strange.

He’s got a bit of a beard, which pisses Cameron off a little because he’s never been able to grow one. He looks a little stockier too, though his height hasn’t changed while Cameron’s shot up like a beanstalk.

“You look like shit,” Cameron mutters, crossing his arms. “Aren’t you embarrassed?”

“Thank you for…coming.” Tanner picks at that same fucking shirt he’s worn since high school—the one with the wolves that his mom hated.

“You reek. How much did you even drink?”

“This many,” Tanner slurs, holding up four fingers. “Since you hung up.”

“Jesus!” Cameron wrinkles his nose. “How much did you drink all night?”

“I cut him off at fifteen,” the bartender chimes as she walks out and locks the place. “And he paid for it all, so don’t worry.”

“Thank you so much.” Cameron eyes Tanner with distaste. “Come on, asshole. Where do you live?”

“I’m not s’posed to tell that to strangers,” Tanner mumbles, laughing to himself.

“I’m not a stranger.” Cameron extends a hand. “Get up, man. You probably have work in the morning.”

“I have my first day at a new job .” Tanner counts on his fingers. “I’ve had one, two, three, eight jobs this year. Hoping this one sticks.”

Tanner takes the hand, wobbles once he’s on his feet. Cameron leads him to his car and opens the door of the backseat.

“Don’t I get shotgun?”

“No way. You’re lucky I don’t tie you to the top like a Christmas tree.”

“You’re mean,” Tanner pouts, slumping in his seat as Cameron gets in and starts the car.

“Put your seatbelt on and tell me your address already.”

“Is this a new car?”

“It’s been ten years. My old one broke down. What’s your address?”

“You look good, Cameron.”

Cameron’s heart skips a beat. He looks into the rearview mirror and sees Tanner leaning over the driver’s seat, his face only inches from Cameron’s. He can sense Tanner’s whiskey-stench breath, feels the smallest shifts in their movements.

It gives him the strangest sense of deja vu.

“Can you just—please sit down.” Cameron shoves him backwards. “And buckle your fucking seatbelt. And tell me where you live.”

“It’s across the street from the Panda Express.”

“The one on Fifth?”

“Yeah, that’s the one.”

Cameron pulls back onto the street and down the corner. Tanner mumbles to himself in the backseat, to the point where Cameron begins trying to listen.

“Hey, Cameron?”

“What do you want?”

“I missed you.”

A long silence passes between them, long enough for them to turn onto Tanner’s street. He really didn’t live far. He could’ve walked home instead of pulling Cameron out at midnight.

“No, you didn’t.” Cameron parks on the street and turns off the engine, but neither of them make a move to get out.

“Yes, I did.”

“You didn’t.” Cameron can’t take it anymore. He fumbles with the door and opens the side, motioning for Tanner to get out.

“Are we still friends?”

“I don’t fucking know, okay? I don’t know. Can you just get out and leave me alone?”

“I thought you’d be happy to see me,” Tanner says, stunned. “It’s been ten years since we saw each other. Didn’t you miss me?”

Cameron’s hands tighten on the steering wheel. He doesn’t look at Tanner, doesn’t even glance in his rearview.

“Tanner, you cut me off ten years ago because you couldn’t deal with our friendship. You thought it was too difficult.” Cameron’s hands are shaking now, and his knuckles turn white from his grip on the wheel. “You were ashamed of me. And after all the time we’ve been apart, all the hours I cried over you, you drag me out of my house at midnight to come and pick you up from some shitty bar and expect me to just forgive you?”

“I said I was sorry,” Tanner murmurs.

“Sorry isn’t good enough. You cut me off. It was hard without you, but I got over it. I’m not letting you back into my life if you’re going to treat me the same way you always did.”

“But—“

“Get out of my car.”

Tanner purses his lips and slams the door behind him. Cameron sits in the car for a long time, even after Tanner’s gone inside the building.

Maybe Tanner really has changed. Maybe he hit rock bottom and he’s finally ready to open up again, but Cameron's done letting people use him. He got along fine without Tanner's company and he certainly doesn't need it now.

Right?

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