body of text

my bedside table: Rachika Nayar's Heaven Come Crashing vinyl signed in pink marker [the record of the year for me b y f a r I've written so much to Rachika without her there would be no body of text] a small clear bottle

[on occasion

somewhere hovering above incense smoke] flowers from my friends Chris & Victoria's garden [they're as beautiful to me now as they were when they were first picked this summer] a [ ]

in the movie In the Mood for Love  

            Chow Mo-Wan & Su Li-Zhen fall in love

after role playing as their spouses      who are having an affair together

In the Mood for Love is about                         

how there is no escape for us

                       [in        ]

in pretending to be a secret they actually become one

accidentally finding something of their own

to guard & to lose

in All Too Well (10 minute version) Taylor Swift sings

you kept me like a secret but I kept you like an oath

these turns of phrases suggest that what we keep is always in relation to

[in service of]

what we have to lose

            [both what is in our possession & what we necessarily will lose]

perhaps

                       even-especially

what

                       [who]

we’ve already lost

anyone living trulyliving is a beautiful loser

because we’re all holding on to something  

                       maybe even more than one thing

we’ve already lost

what’s not a secret is how often I notice hands

                       a while ago     

                       possibly in October because in my mind everything                        happened in October

I ask –

                       do you think the way we touch others is the way we wish                        to be touched

often it takes us well into a scene to realize that Mo-Wan & Li-Zhen are acting

                       [as their spouses         

                       who of course quickly become a stand-in for

                                               ]

forgetting that because it’s a movie

they are           of course         always acting

all this eventually adds up to a total confusion over the definition of acting

                       over when they are secretly serious                        when they are acting like they’re acting

                       over when they are secretly acting                        when they are acting like they’re serious

In the Mood for Love takes                 a long time

to         e n d

I mean that Wong Kar-Wai gives us so many scenes after their parting

but I also mean that maybe the whole film is an end

because it’s about something that was already ended           

something that never stood a chance

                       at beginning

towards the end of the end

the end in terms of run-time

we see Mo-Wan whispering something into a hole in a wall

it’s inaudible

                       but not silent  

we are denied this speech

loss too gets interpellated as a gesture that is inaudible

                       but not silent

loss is held in our palms cupped around our mouths

& it’s even on the backs of our hands

covering our   

                        eyes                         teeth

feeling

[for] something out of physical reach

loss is brought on       

                       beaten back                           preserved                               calcified            by words

loss haunts

                       every word we speak

what would Mo-Wan & Li-Zhen lose if they told someone else

            how would that even go

what is there even       to tell

all this is to say that there is a place for me   

                       a physical place         

where I can go

& if I looked out the window now

                       years later

my heart would still drop

I would

see someone

                       [who may or                            ]

there

looking back at me

when I had tumblr the first time around

[2010]

I probably listened to broken social scene more than any other band I heard this song by accident the other day

I couldn't decide if it was old or new [b-sides & rarities i.e. archives

released in 2022] I guess it's both anthems for a seventeen year old girl will forever be burned into my memory

body of text is a radio show combining music & original poetry

airing               every second Sunday

@ noon [PST]

on moonglowradio.net versos [images            texts                recordings       the behind-the-scenes ]

will be posted on

bodyoftext.tumblr.com & on occasion            @xiao_xuan_huang on IG

the first episode will premiere

in between my two favourite holidays –

Lunar New Year & Valentine’s day

on February 12th

body of text

is an ongoing epistolary effort

very queer & brimming with desire

because I’m always tapping the receiver

wondering is this thing working

so I’ll write [to] you & I’ll read [to] you

longing so

to be read by you

I want to believe that

some calls some letters some [             ]

            will be answered

even when it seems unlikely

yours forever,