p r i d e f u l

Just a collection of things I’ve said to friends in DMs and whatnot this month.

* FEEL FREE TO SHARE AS YOU PLEASE, NO CREDIT NEEDED. CHANGE PRONOUNS OR ANYTHING ELSE AS DESIRED.

Meanwhile I just give (name) every excuse in the world to judge me right now.

It doesn’t count unless I can eat their hearts to gain their courage.

DON’T MIND ME JUST TESTING THINGS AND ABUSING MY POWER AGAIN.

WOW I WISH THAT WAS A MOOD.

I WANNA SLEEP AS MUCH AS (name) DOES.

I think my body is actually busted.

I just tried to look up “sad christmas cookie” hoping to find, like, a really badly made Christmas cookie.

NO I JUST WANTED SOME REALLY BADLY MADE CHRISTMAS COOKIES, NOT SAD GINGERBREAD MEN.

I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS.

Someday, you’ll stop being accident prone.

SAME AS IT EVER WAS.

MY FISTS SUDDENLY DON’T WORK BECAUSE I CAN’T TALK.

Try hitting your hands.

I’m about to put my ass down and make it stay down.

No, your kind of gacha would be a sweets gacha.

I DON’T BELIEVE ME EITHER.

I wish I could be affected by the cold but instead its HOT.

Please do not scree.

I MUST BE STRONG.

I WILL NOT GET HEALTHIER BY BEING WEAK FOR ONE DAY.

But my body says, “No, you fucking get up.”

You’re being a gremlin again.

How do two metaphysical entities even date?

This is a pump action. You can tell it’s a pump action by the fact that you have to pull the pump.

This is a lever action. You can tell it’s a lever action because you have to cock the lever.

Spinning the lever is entirely optional and not recommended for newer shooters due to the risk of breaking your own fucking hand and basically smashing a heavy hunk of metal against your own fingers.

It takes a certain level of skill and physical toughness not to break your own goddamned hand doing that trick.

I can’t wrap my head around the physical logistics of a “one handed pump action”.

I just got reminded (name) exists again.

Do you want me to show you a dog video?

And now my mostly dead brain desires ancient memes.

I don’t know, how do you deal with me?

HOLY FUCK THIS IS SO FUCKING KINO.

“EVENTUALLY” SHE SAYS AS SHE LEAVES TO CRAFT.

WILLINGLY IS DIFFERENT FROM “ON ACCIDENT”.

You expect me to just keep popping on and off my gloves?

Must you always be spiteful?

I could have, but then you would’ve gotten mad at me sooner because I doubted you, and then you would be even more mad once you finally saw I was right, because spite, so I figured the lesser of two evils was to incur less (name) angy.

Oh my god damn it.

And before you ask, “(name) why the fuck are you still awake did you even sleep at all?”, No and because shit got good.

God fucking shitting damn it fuck.

Wait a minute. I CAN MAKE MONEY.

WERE IT NOT FOR SLEEP DEPRIVATION KICKING MY ASS, I REALLY WOULDN’T WANT TO STOP PLAYING AT THIS POINT.

I’m gonna bully you if you keep doing this.

It’s all going in the vault. It’s all being noted.

AND THAT WAS WHEN I NOPE’D THE FUCK ON OUT OF THERE.

THERE ARE MANY THINGS YOU MUST WITNESS JUST A LITTLE FURTHER AHEAD. YOU ARE NOT READY FOR THEM I GUARANTEE.

OH THAT’S FUCKING SICK.

Why do I feel like I’m being attacked while asked about this?

“SHH” DOESN’T ANSWER MY QUESTION.

Stop hissing at me.

DON’T APOLOGIZE TO ME.

Is that a goddamned Kingdom Hearts reference?

MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST FUCKING COME WITH US IN THE FIRST PLACE.

HOW STIFF ARE THOSE FUCKING COOKIES THAT THEY JUST PERFECTLY SNAP IN HALF?

Motherfucker I’ve been down this narrative road before. You can’t fucking trick me. The feelgoods are all just a fucking setup.

(name) has every right and no right whatsoever to be that fucking precious and I don’t care if that sounds weird.

I watched a cat eat a hamburger.

I now understand why the grapes are a fucking disgrace.

It’s because they put that budget to more important things, like proper hamburger physics.

Behold, I’m not loaded down with a bunch of food anymore.

I like how my brain functions like a faulty autocorrect lately.

Are you going to become babushka now?

Imagine exerting such authoritative mom energy that you even make the big bad antagonist flinch and mind his manners around you.

I mean mom energy so strong that it knocks all the smug out of the antagonist and makes him stop acting like a shitter for AT LEAST a few moments.

If this isn’t exactly the brand of off-color, fecal funny sense of humor you expect out of me by this point, then I’m sincerely sorry because I have lead you to believe some very incorrect things about me

But I’m shitposting with PURPOSE.

WHEN DO YOU EVER NOT GET SICK?

STOP SCREAMING AT ME I’M TRYING MY BEST.

YOU WANTED ME TO DISAGREE.

Would it make you feel better if I disagreed?

Did you actually summon me awake?

Turn into actual final boss status.

Real healers: “I learned every facet of human anatomy so I could learn the best way to kill someone if I have to. Try me, bitch.”

YOU CAN’T GET ANY MORE NAKED THAN BEING BONES.

In space no one can hear you scream. Conversely, in space, everything can hear you scream.

Silence? All I hear is VIOLENCE.

If this is some reverse psychology shit to get me to stay up longer, IT WON’T WORK BECAUSE I WAS ALREADY GONNA DO THAT ANYWAY.

I will call a bluff even if it means burning myself in the process.

Don’t make me grab the John Cena gif again.

HECK ALL YOU LIKE, IT WILL NOT CHANGE YOUR FATE.

You underestimated me yet again and you have paid the price. Reflect on your mistakes.

When I’m doing what, BEING RESOURCEFUL AND HELPFUL?

I can’t believe you enabled (name)’s calling in life.

God bless the internet sometimes.

BECAUSE THEY’RE PETTY DICKS.

The timeline where broken clocks also exist.

It’s been enough time that all that drinking should be catching up with her. Now, I say “catching up with her,” but the more accurate way to paint this is that it’s probably getting ready to slam her like a goddamned semi truck.

You should have stopped taking shots 5 shots ago.

It’s starting. It’s starting and it’s over at the same time.

You know what happens sometimes when a Pokemon tries to attack while inflicted with confusion? Because that’s what you’re doing right now.

Tell him the reddit gold has been added to his account.

I’m inclined to agree with the initial statement, if only to argue that it deserved worse.

Listen closely, you can hear the sound of Eddie Van Halen spinning in his grave.

I think the simulation’s breaking.

Please don’t call things “steaming hot”.

There’s no turnips on the moon. Only carrots.

I can’t believe you have headache already when the real headache starts now.

No, what they’re saying is, you should eat the model kits.

Fuck this. Fuck all this bullshit over here. Fuck every last bit of it.

What the fuck is that moon creature?

HE HAS NO STYLE, HE HAS NO GRACE, THIS CACTUAR IS A FUCKING DISGRACE.