Ellie looks up hesitantly, briefly looking him between the eyes before tearing up.

“Jesus Christ, Ellie, it’s not a big deal! What’s your problem?”

John walks away out of frustration, leaving Ellie to the emotions he imposed on her. She shrinks and pulls at her hair, building up to hitting her head repeatedly until she gets a headache. She is often unaware of this behavior until it’s too late, leaving her filled with shame and anxiety.

Because of the shame I associate with vulnerability

I am numbing myself completely,

Can you hear me right now?

Shutting down is never fun, and Ellie isn’t always aware when it is going to happen. But, boy, did she feel it coming on this time like a huge tidal wave taking over her body by sheer force of shame.

John comes back in the room, without knocking or announcing himself. Ellie is startled, looking at him with wide, blood-shot eyes filled with tears. She looks briefly between his eyes again and turns away as if she had just caught a glimpse of the sun.

He looks at her, bewildered, “What’s wrong now?”

Eliie shrinks further into herself and turns her back to him, signaling she’s done. He should know by now what this means, yet he reaches his hand out and touches her shoulder. She shrugs it off and collapses on the floor.

“Ellie, you need to stop this behavior, you can’t be this dramatic!” he’s practically shouting.

She wants so badly to say something, but words won’t come out. She lays frozen, not even able to cry anymore, internally screaming at herself just talk, just say something and he’ll go away!

“Ellie, speak to me!” John shouts.

Can you hear me right now?

 ***

 “Here, put this on” Ellie’s mother, Eleanor, demands as she throws Ellie’s clean new school uniform on the bed.

Starting this year, every student at Franklin High must wear a uniform. The boys wear black slacks, a blue button-up with a collar, and a neutral tie. The girls have to wear a blue plaid skirt that reaches nearly to the ankle and a white fitted top with a collar. Before this year, students could wear basically anything they wanted. One student, Ellie suspects, ruined it for everyone by wearing a shirt with a pot leaf on it and refused to change when confronted. He came in everyday with the same shirt after that, despite being suspended a couple times over it.

Ellie sighs as she glanced over the repulsive uniform and thought about all the outfits she’d prefer to wear. She much preferred her band shirts—The Misfits, Green Day, Against Me!. Hell, even wearing the boys uniform sounded better to her than that. She shakes her out, bad thoughts out.

“Do I really have to?” Ellie sat on her bed, defeated.

“Honey, I know you prefer to wear… well, more masculine clothes. But this will be good for you, you’re almost a woman now, it’s time to start acting and dressing like one”.

Eleanor’s heart is in the right place, but her words still sting.

Am I not a woman?

Her mom pats on her the back, she doesn’t know this bothers Ellie. Eleanor gets up and walks out of the room, expecting her daughter to get dressed.

“Fuck this,” Ellie says to herself as she begrudgingly puts on the horrid uniform, “I can’t wait until I graduate.”

She looks at the calendar after getting dressed and marks off the first day of school, even though it has not begun. She simply can’t wait for the day to be over.

Bouncing down the stairs, Ellie thinks about music. A symphony begins playing in her head, one she’s not sure is actually in existence or if her brain made it up. She steps to the beat on her tip-toes. The music seeps from her brain externally and she stops and looks around at the bottom of the stairs.

Turning to her mother in the kitchen, she asks, “Mom, are you playing music somewhere?”

“No, honey, why?”

“Nothing” she grumbles, the music fades. She shrugs and continues her morning routine, humming the melody.

Her morning routine is always the same, predictability is her forte. She wakes up at 6am sharp, showers and gets dressed (typically in her band shirts and ripped jeans with various patches on it and her Against Me! jacket she got from when she saw them live), eats the same cereal (Honey Nut Cherrios) with the same small spoon and gold bowl, brushes her teeth, and then watches the news for the forecast. On days she has school, she leaves precisely at 7:13, 10 minutes before the bus arrives, to ensure she does not miss it. The stop is a 3-minute walk from her house, but the bus can be a couple minutes early or late, depending on who is driving that day. She wears the same black ankle-high chucks, even now with the dress code. They won’t take everything away from me! she rebels.

After completing her routine, she boards the bus and sits next to her best friend, Libby, who is basically her twin from another, except not as awkward.

The bus is especially loud this morning and Ellie has trouble understanding a word Libby says to her right off the bat.

“What?” she asks Libby a total of four times before giving up and nodding along.

Libby begins bouncing in her seat with excitement.

“So you’re really going to do it?” she questions, the excitement in her voice not hidden even to Ellie’s ears.

“Wait, what?”

“You know, apply to Yellowood?”

“Oh, no,” Ellie answers, Libby’s excitement fades to something Ellie can’t quite make out. “You know I don’t believe in college.”

“What do you mean believe? It’s not a fucking religion. Do you want to work at a gas station for the rest of your life?” Libby is definitely annoyed, Ellie concludes and shrugs.