As Long As We Are Together

And THEN your brother's situationship crashes the party, and there's a lot of complicated feelings there, this is the man your brother has absolutely destroyed his life over, this man has caused your brother two decades of pain and suffering as you've had to watch him slowly tear himself apart with grief. Also your brother really desperately wants to sleep with this guy. So. There's that. Also he is just. Visibly covered in hickeys.

And THEN your brother's situationship accidentally lets slip that he's NOT sleeping with your brother and DOESN'T know that your brother is madly in love with him and literally everyone in the building (including your trusted and beloved situationship) has to stop what they're doing and ponder this fundamental flaw in the universe. You are so blinded by rage you temporarily have to play couple's counselor and simultaneously tear this guy a new one for daring to put your little brother through all this grief and not even having the decency to be aware of it. And you're still a hostage (maybe?)

ANYWAYS, then the little brother in question shows up and he also looks like he's having one of the worst days of his life (Worst days of his life #1-#4 also involve his situationship. You know this for a fact.) and your situationship threatens to kill his situationship, which would absolutely skyrocket this from The Fifth Worst Day Of His Life to Numero Uno Worst Day Of His Life.

And THEN the guy being held at knifepoint (stringpoint? Semantics.) takes a deep breath and loudly proclaims to everyone assembled that he DOES want to fuck your brother. He waits a beat. He looks ready to repeat himself.

You stop him.

All of you get shuffled into a further hostage holding area and told to sit tight so you have to sit there and pretend not to overhear your brother and his situationship have an extremely deep and emotional conversation and also talk about all the awesome sex they're going to have if they survive this.

FINALLY you are saved from your agonies by your situationship almost dying and fully revealing himself as a for real villain, which hits like a knife to the heart because you loved him, you thought you could trust him, but you have your principles and you have to stick by them. It's what your other (dead) situationship would have wanted.

ONLY THEN FOR YOUR OTHER (DEAD) SITUATIONSHIP TO SHOW UP.

Your dead situationship is trying to make your other sitautionship also dead and the problem is your dead situationship is really, really good at making things be dead. Actually that's only one of the problems. You have a lot of problems.

For example, you have this problem where you are also really really good at making things be dead and you end up running your sword through your situationship's gut. And with his dying breaths, he tries to drag you with him. Finally, all three of you can be together. One big, happy (extremely dead) situationship.

And then you have Dracula, who is at his core a selfish monster, who preys on the weak, who abuses women and turns them into his slaves, who takes advantage of and subsequently discards the poor and ill.