to the moon and to saturn✨

Hi I just wanted to say that the beefier I draw men, the more I want them covered in blood, okay?

baffled, everybody else watches as Damian looks up from his book in a bewildered fashion, gradually turns from confused to sceptical, and asks, “…Why, what’d you do?”

“I may have accidentally blown up another helicopter.”

Damian takes this in calmly. “Twenty dollars.” He demands. The masked teenager squints.

“Five.”

“Twenty.”

“Ten.”

“Twenty.”

“Eleven.”

“Nineteen.”

“Fifteen.”

“Seventeen.”

“Done.”

Damian takes the money from the older boy and then causally turns to Bruce before telling him, “Father, this is my eighteen year old half-brother, Hood. he struggles with paranoia and is slightly mentally unstable from being submerged in the lazarus pit while young, which is why he keeps his name and face confidential from everybody other than our immediate family on our mother’s side. if Mother calls, please tell her Hood has been staying with us for the weekend.”

the rest of the bats are completely indignant, but Hood just considers Damian’s words for a few seconds and then resigns himself to, “Yeah, guess that’s fair.” and doesn’t deny anything, baffling them even more.

and that’s how the Waynes become acquainted with Hood, the probable-pyromaniac-definite-bad-influence older brother that, as it becomes increasingly clear the more he comes around, Damian adores with his whole heart. it’s also how it becomes a semi-regular occurrence that Damian’s older brother runs to the manor to demand refuge and plausible deniability from whatever bullshit he’s done at the league that Ra’s 100% knows he did but can’t fucking prove, at which point Hood will just hide with the Waynes for a few days, masked up 24/7, running around with Damian and causing chaos, confusing the fuck out of everybody because this is the first time they’ve ever been able to see Damian indulge in a genuine childhood sibling-dynamic and it knocks the bats off their feet Every Fucking Time. the only time that boy ever acts like a child is when Hood comes to visit and it both infuriates Dick and Tim, fills them with jealousy, and makes them oddly relieved to know that underneath that weird victorian-boy shell, there’s an actual modern-day child somewhere in there.

*breathless wheezing, barely audible gasps of breath and weeping noises*

Tim, audibly smiling and holding back laughter: dude... come on- it's not that funny,

*more gasping wheezes*

Tim, laughing slightly himself: it's not!

*silent cackles*

*connecting ping*

Dick: yo, you guys wanna get burgers?

*weeping and gasping for breath*

Dick: *hesitant* what... the fuck are you laughing at?

Jason: *high-pitched breath inhales* aha- uh- *sniff* Red- Red Robin fell down a- a manhole, into the sewer.

Dick: *snort* he fell?

Tim, begrudging: that's not why he's laughing. the part of the sewer i'm in is disconnected from the rest of the system; like it's all walled up. so i fell into a five feet wide stone room, essentially.

Jason: *struggling to breathe* and there's- there's no ladder,

Dick, baffled but amused: so? just grapple out.

Jason: *wheezes*

Tim: yeah.. i wasn't wearing my grapple when i fell, the attachment came off during a fight earlier.

Jason: *high-pitched* he can't get out the fucking hole- he's stuck,

Dick, starting to laugh: ...wait are you serious?

Tim: yes- *amused* Jason, shut up. i've been stuck here for twenty-five minutes because you can't control yourself long enough to help me out!

Jason: *wheezes*

Dick, in awe: ho, ly, shit. Jay, send me your location so i can see this,

Jason: *high-pitched hum of agreement*

Tim, mumbling: y'guysre' dicks,

Jason: i can't- i can't do this-!

Tim: you know honestly, this makes me think a lot about those asshole metas and superheroes that find out about how we have no special powers and get all dismissive of us because 'we're just people, we can't handle this kind of life'.

Tim: and this does make me wonder if they have a point.

Jason: *collapses into laughter again*

Dick: you have- *holding back laughter* you have just fallen into a hole. and now you cannot leave. like this is the end of you, you're beaten. you've been vanquished by an accidental cartoon trap.

Tim: if any of you tell Damian about this i'm killing myself.

Jason, still about six octaves higher than usual: can i- can i tell Ra's about it?

*a few beats*

Tim, despondent: sure.

Tim: but tell him the hole was deeper than this.

Jason, losing his mind: you think- you think BRUCE excluded DICK?! no no no bubba, it’s the other way around,

Bruce: *looking at the ground intently*

Damian: i don’t understand. why did Father not adopt Grayson then?

Jason, genuinely struggling to breathe: he- he tried- *high pitched, now on his hands and knees on the floor to wheeze* Dick- god this is my favourite story ever- Dick didn’t want him-

Tim and Damian:

Tim and Damian: what.

Bruce, blushing slightly: it wasn’t that he didn’t want me, we were just in different places in the relationship,

Jason: *wheezes*

Bruce: Jason shut up.

Tim: i don’t understand.

Jason: he- he asked Dick if he wanted to be adopted, and Dick looked him right in the fucking eyes and went ‘nah, thanks.’ and walked away,

Damian: …are you being serious?

Bruce: he didn’t want anybody to take a legal role that could replace his parents, which is fully understandable and i respect it completely; he’s my child regardless of the legal specifics,

Jason: *dry heaving on the floor*

Bruce: …though it did sting a little bit when i told him ‘you know in my heart you are my son, right?’ and he looked at me and said ‘yeah.’ and nothing else.

Jason: *painful wheeze*

Bruce, starting to get slightly indignant: …-it’s also just slightly awkward whenever people come up to me and bring it up- all ‘why don’t you adopt Dick, don’t you want to?’ and then they list off all the benefits of legally adopting him and i have to stand there staring at them thinking ‘yeah i fucking agree.’

Tim and Damian:

Tim: i’m starting to think we’ve struck a nerve here,

Bruce: -you know i really poured my heart into that ‘i want to adopt you’ speech—had a powerpoint and everything, told him i loved him, basically got down on one knee with the contract. and this little shit stared me in the face wearing my fucking hand-me-downs, and was like ‘i think we should just be friends’ like how in the hell-

Jason, weakly from the floor: god i’m- please, i’m in pain,

Tim and Damian: *awkwardly watching Bruce rant while Jason cries on the floor next to him*

Tim and Damian:

Damian: this may have been a mistake-

Tim: does this mean that Jason being adopted was basically just Dick breaking up with Bruce and Bruce being so heartbroken that he went and rebounded with the first kid he found on the nearest street corner?

Bruce: *pauses rant*

Bruce:

Bruce: WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP SAYING THAT?

The medieval peasant I went back in time to give a bag of Doritos to, concerned: what terrible and powerful sorcerers they must have in your age, to be able to veil the vault of heaven itself from view, as you say

Me, sniffling: I didn’t realize, I can’t, it’s so much, I, I… are the chips good, at least?

*Alfred setting dinner down for the kids*

Damian: thank you, Pennyworth. so will Father not be joining us?

Alfred: you father is working late at Wayne Enterprises tonight i’m afraid, he’s asked that Master Dick step in for him as Batman in the likely case that he not make it home in time for patrol.

Dick: if he’s not here then can we play Bat-Quotes?

Duke, instantly: YES. yes, yes, a thousand times yes,

Tim: also agreed, if B isn’t here then we have to.

*all the kids look to Jason expectantly*

Jason: …i shouldn’t have come up with that game.

Alfred, mild: oh dear, this isn’t a dangerous game, i hope? my dishware won’t be in danger?

Dick, snickering: no no, don’t worry Alfie. the game’s only dangerous to Jason.

Damian, smug: yes, meanwhile for us it is, in fact, a completely consequenceless endeavour.

Jason: …i really should not have come up with that game.

the batkids, chanting at Jason: Bat-Quotes, Bat-Quotes, Bat-Quotes, Bat-Quotes-

Jason: i- *wheeze* OK- ALRIGHT, we can play a round or two, oh my god, i hope you’re happy,

*cheering and clapping*

Alfred: *warily raises an eyebrow*

Jason, bringing out his phone and sighing theatrically: alright, alright, everybody welcome back to Bat-Quotes; a horrible game that puts my social life in danger on a regular basis. i hate that i came up with it, and i hate that you all like it, but here we are.

Alfred: and what is the nature of this game, if i may ask?

Dick, gleefully: Jason keeps a list of quotes that people associated with our bat-lives have said. he reads them out, we have to guess who it was that said it, and if we- *wheeze* if we get one right—*laughing* Jason tell him what happens if we get one right,

Jason, looking very begrudging: well, as you know, the Red Hood has become a big enough and regular enough ally of the Justice League that i’ve been added to the main JL group chat. so if- *wheeze* *regretfully* if somebody correctly labels the person who says a quote, then i have to say that quote as myself in the official Justice League group chat, with no explanation, and no matter the reaction i can never explain it.

Steph, grinning maniacally: to further explain to you the genius consequences of this game, Alfie, let me tell you the last time we played Bat-Quotes; where Duke got the best slam-dunk i have ever seen on the quote of- *laughs* what was it, Jason?

Jason, looking at his phone: uh- so last time we had the quote ‘i think i would fuck a plant if i had the free time, it’s just that i’ve always had an unnatural fear of stinging nettles stinging the inside of my ass somehow, so i think that i’d be a little bit paranoid about it at first.’

Dick: *wheezes, smacking the table-top*

Tim, also crying: GOD i forgot,

Jason: yeah—Duke came in with the guess of Harley Quinn, which was correct, so i had to- *wheeze* with no context,

Cass, shark-like: and you had a reaction, right?

Jason: yeah, so because of that i had Uncle Clark call me, because he thought that i was speaking in some kind of code to let them know i was in danger. and i had to fucking be like. ‘no i was just sharing my thoughts on the matter’ and he didn’t speak to me directly for like a week.

Duke: *cackles* BEST ACHIEVEMENT OF MY LIFE,

Jason: yeah- you’ll also all be happy to know that Bruce DM’ed me after that to say the simple sentence of ‘do you fucking know how hard i advocated for you to be on this team?’

Dick: *almost falls off his chair* *struggling to breathe* i love this game so much.

Jason, dryly: yeah i’m sure it’s real fuckin’ fun for you guys.

Alfred:

Alfred: dear lord.

Jason: yeah exactly Alfie, Dear Fucking Lord.

Steph: hush up and play the game with us, coward.

Jason: *sighs* alright, let me- let me pick one.

*waiting*

Jason: alright- fuck. alright. here we go. and- AND LET ME BE CLEAR. you cannot each give your own separate answer, that’s fucking unfair, you can’t have six whole chances of getting it right. you have to choose one.

Damian: just say the quote.

Jason: *sigh* ok, number one. ‘if i tell you that i don’t currently remember which colours you mix to make purple, are you gonna make fun of me?’

Alfred: *squints*

the rest of the batkids: *intense focus*

Steph: oh, see that’s a hard one.

Duke: my instinctual reaction is one of the rogues. they spout a lot of shit when they’re beaten half into the ground, you know? all delirious n’ shit?

Dick: Riddler…? maybe…?

Cass: sounds like somebody drugged.

Damian: Cain is right, if it’s a rogue then it’s more likely to be Scarecrow high on his own gas.

Tim: no, no, i don’t think it’s a rogue. i wanna say… Steph?

Steph: excuse me?!?! i did not-

Tim, defensive: YOU SAY A LOT OF WEIRD SHIT WHILE DRUNK! we have to be logical about this; Jason objectively spends more time laughing at things we say while hammered than he does sticking around after fights to listen to rogues rambling. and your favourite colour is purple!

*consideration*

Dick: ‘s got a point. this is about being right, Steph. we have to put pride aside.

Cass: agreed.

Steph: i would not say that shit!

Duke: i dunno, one time i watched you google how to boil an egg.

Steph:

Steph, begrudging: fine, whatever.

Jason: final answer?

Tim: Steph.

Jason: ok, well in that case that’s one of the biggest flops i’ve ever seen, because Tim that was you,

Steph: HA.

Tim: ?! WHAT?

Jason, smugly: you, about seven months back, high on cold medicine, when you were bed bound. and- and you actually said it to Steph, so that’s a double failure really.

Tim: FUCK.

Dick: please tell me you have more, that can’t be it.

Jason: i’ll give- ok, i’ll give you two more chances, and then i’m banning this game for the next month at LEAST for my own safety.

Cass: deal, give.

Jason: ok, ready? this one’s one of my favourites, actually.

Jason: ‘is it just me, or are Nightwing and Batman kinda gay for each other’.

Duke: *instant wheeze*

Steph and Tim: *loud cackles*

Dick, offended: HELLO?!?!

Jason, proudly: come on, what do you think?

Dick: WHAT THE FUCK, THAT’S MY DAD.

Damian, snickering: no, no, this is good. it narrows it down, it proves that the answer is somebody who doesn’t know our identities. it has to be a rogue.

Duke: i dunno if he’d repeat answers so soon but it does sound like something Harley would say, not gonna lie.

Steph, still laughing: you guys are talking like all of us wouldn’t yell this shit from the rooftops just to piss Dick off. i’d pin this on Babs taking the mick over comms.

Tim: no, Damian- *wheeze* Damian has a point. if it were Barbara over comms then she would have said Dick and Bruce, not Nightwing and Batman. i feel like this was said out in public, around other people.

Dick: surely i would remember if one of you had said it.

Tim: i dunno. i’m kinda worried it’s me again.

Damian: *wheeze* it’s all- it’s all just Drake.

Steph: is there a chance it could have been- like, the titans or something? this sounds like a joke Gar would make.

Tim: oh, maybe, that’s genius,

Duke: i don’t know the titans well enough to make that kind of call, so i’ll go with whatever you guys say.

Dick: …*intense squinting at the table*

Cass: what do you think?

Dick: …i’m just trying to remember- Selina’s made a few jokes about her third-wheeling us before, and i’m trying to remember if this could have been her.

Tim: i feel like Steph is right, i think it’s more likely to be a titan.

Damian: honestly, the most likely scenario is that it was Jason. is that an option?

*the kids all turn to stare at Jason*

Jason, shrugging: you can use your one guess for me if you want.

Steph, instantly: oh- fuck off, you can’t do that. you have to at least tell us if it’s possible that you’re the original quoter.

Jason, laughing: alright, alright—none of them are me.

Dick: then- ok yeah, i’m with Duke, you guys take this one. i don’t know.

Tim: ok, we’ll say Beast Boy then.

*a beat*

Jason: *incorrect buzzer sound*

Tim: DAMMIT.

Jason: that one was actually Antonio, one of my main subordinates in the alley.

Duke: FUCK OFF-

Steph: THAT’S SO CHEATING!

Jason: *cackles evily*

Dick: -SO unfair, how the fuck are we supposed to know the names of your men?!!

Jason: no no, this is fair, and for the record i would have accepted ‘a Red Hood goon’ as a correct answer, i’m not a monster. y’all are thinkin’ about people you know; gotta think about people i know.

Tim: -shut up and give us the final one.

Jason: ok touchy! well this one—this one i think is the worst one for me to put in the chat, so. i’m not really happy about this.

Cass: give it to us.

Jason: …’i saw a bird fly into the wing-mirror of the Batmobile, and ever since i’ve just been feeling kind of depressed. is anyone available for a hug?’

Dick: *noise of awe*

Tim: …shit i really want him to say this to the Justice League.

Duke: guys we need to lock in. we need to get this one. who would say this that spends time around the Batmobile?

Steph: and who would actively ask for physical comfort?

Cass: Dick likes hugs.

Dick, intensely thinking: ….it does kinda sound like me…

Tim: do you remember ever watching a bird fly into the window?!

Dick: no that’s what- i’m trying to think, i can’t remember!

Duke: Dami, do we think it could have been you?

Damian, flat: is that a genuine question.

Duke: no- i know, i know it doesn’t sound like you, but the bird thing tracks. and like- we’ve all been high on pain meds during various points in our lives. we get clingy, it happens!

Damian, shaking his head: if it was me i don’t remember it.

Tim: i don’t think Damian would ask for anybody to hug him. when he gets high he beelines for B, Dick and Jay. he’s specific about it. this is somebody who just likes physical comfort point blank.

Dick, considering: can i suggest… Bruce?

Steph: there is no fucking way we wouldn’t remember that. we’d have the recording. i keep going back to Dick, i feel like it’s him,

Dick: same but i also think i’d remember watching a bird hit the window-!

Damian, leaning back in his seat, tonguing his cheek: hmm.

Cass: Damian, you have an idea?

Damian, hesitant: hm.

Jason: i want a final answer.

*silence*

Damian: can i…?

*a beat*

Damian: Jon Kent…?

Tim: ooo,

*silence, all attention on Jason*

*waiting*

Alfred: *takes a sip of wine*

Jason, with feeling: ffffuck.

Damian: SERIOUSLY?

Jason, again: FUCK.

*instant uproar, batkids celebrating*

Jason: WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME-

Damian: THERE’S NO WAY,

Steph: I’M SO HAPPY,

Jason: I DON’T WANNA- YOU GUYS DON’T UNDERSTAND-

Dick: DUDE- JASON- WONDER WOMAN IS IN THAT CHAT,

Duke: *falls off his chair*

Jason: I DON’T WANNA DO IT-!

Damian, deadly serious: you have to- i won fair and square, you have to.

Jason: *glances at his phone, pensive*

Tim: *wheezes* that’s such a bad one-!

Jason, dramatically throwing himself down in his seat: I DON’T WANNA DO IT.

Steph: *evil cackling*

Cass: i’ll do it for you if you want-

Jason, snatching his phone away from her: don’t you dare- THIS IS THE WORST FUCKING GAME WE HAVE EVER COME UP WITH!

Damian: you have to do it.

Jason, wailing: i KNOW,

Dick: *wheezes* this is the best day of my life,

Duke, incredibly happy: dude- you know Bruce is gonna see that in the chat, right? he’s gonna be so worried.

Dick, wheezing: and you can never explain-!

Jason, grumpy: god fucking- *angrily typing at phone*

Steph: Dick you’re in the chat too, right? check he actually does it.

Dick, pulling out his phone: he has- *wheeze* word for word, it’s there.

Jason: i’m so mad- Damian you weren’t even there when he said it.

Tim, wiping tears from his eyes: when the fuck did he say it?!

Jason, annoyed: he said it on the Watchtower while Clark was working really late and he was over-tired, and me, him, Kon, and Roy somehow ended up in the rec room with him watching fucking Marley and Me at three in the morning, and i guess he got sad!

Dick: oh my- aw, oh my god, he got a hug, right?

Jason: yeah actually- Kon opened up his arms and Jon walked right past him and into mine, and Roy laughed so hard he had to leave the room.

Steph: god that was- Damian that was SUCH a god-tier move.

Damian, dryly: my best friend, ladies and gentlemen.

Dick: *wheezes again*

Jason: i’m putting my phone on mute, fuck you guys. worst game ever.

Steph, wetly: best game ever.

~forty minutes later, as the kids clean up the kitchen from dinner~

Jason, walking back in from the bathroom: i hope you’re all happy, because i just got a text from Uncle Clark that says ‘i want you to know i’m always here for you if you need a shoulder to lean on’.

Dick: *wheezes, falls into Cass, who has to hold him up* oh my god, Uncle Clark is my favourite person on this fuckin’ planet,

Jason, holding up a finger, reading from his phone: wait for it, because the Flash has responded to me in the actual chat, and he has said, ‘i’m so sorry you’re feeling like that Hood, i know what it’s like.’ to which Diana put, ‘depression is a battle that we all struggle with at some point, it’s brave of you both to speak up.’ and then Barry put, ‘i mean yeah, but i meant i knew what it felt like to run into the Batmobile wing-mirror at full speed’.

the batkids: *burst out laughing*

Jason, bowing begrudgingly: you’re welcome, you all better be fucking satisfied.

Damian, hanging onto Tim for balance: victory tastes so sweet-!

Steph, wandering into the kitchen: hey, Alfie, B says you're doing a grocery shop later today, can i add tampons to the list of stuff for the patrol supplies?

Alfred, glancing over from polishing silverware: of course, Miss Brown. perhaps you'd like to add it to the list on the fridge?

Steph: hm-? oh, yeah, thanks.

Tim, working on his laptop at the kitchen island: the fuck do you need tampons for patrol?

Steph: *squints at him* well i sure as fuck ain't doing it in a pad? do you know how unsafe i would feel?!

Tim, raising an eyebrow: why do you need anything? doesn't it all stop once you start swinging around?

*silence*

Alfred: *pauses, slowly turns his head to stare into the side of Tim's skull*

Steph, calmly: ...what?

Tim: it's like swimming right? you start jumping around and moving a lot and your body recognises that you don't want to bleed, so it stops the flow until you settle down.

Alfred:

Steph:

Steph, keeping her face impressively straight: ...yes. it is- *throat clear* that is why that happens, you're right, it does usually stop on patrol. but- *thinking intensely* i... got a scratch on my thigh... earlier... and it keeps bleeding, has all day. so i'm kinda worried that blood coming out of my thigh will confuse my body, because of- *bites lip* because of the close proximity. and i think it might decide that since my thigh is bleeding that it should just keep all the other flows going as well, so i'm just- i'm just making sure. to be careful.

Alfred: *slowly turns to stare at Steph instead*

Tim:

Tim: ok i guess that makes sense.

Steph, once Tim turns back to his laptop: *gleefully punches the air*

Tim, eyes narrowing: wait,

Steph, the face of innocence: hm?

Tim: how come your body can stop the period blood but not the thigh blood?

Steph: oh. well, that's just a 'me' issue, really. i've never been that good at the whole blood-bending thing.

Alfred: *closes eyes in resignation*

Tim: blood-bending- what?

Steph: blood-bending? the- you know all girls can control their blood flow, right? that's why Avatar only showed women water-benders learning how to blood-bend. because it was already a thing irl.

Tim:

Tim, dubious: ok now you're fucking with me.

Steph, narrowing eyes in confusion: no? dude, i'm being completely serious, did you- how did you not know about this? that's how we control our periods, man. all females have a slight innate ability to bend their own blood. it's just that the extent to which we can varies from person to person and day to day. i've always been kinda weak with it, so i guess that's my bad. Babs has always been pretty good at it, though.

Dick, walking in: 'sup, kiddies. Babs is good at what?

Steph: i was just telling Tim about how all women can blood-bend and that's how they control their periods. can you believe the health education program at his school failed so badly he didn't know?!?

Dick:

Dick:

Dick, turning to Tim: yeah Babs was always really good at it.

Tim: seriously?!!?

Dick, without a hint of humor: 100%. anyway i gotta go, see you guys later.

Steph, perking up: oh, can i get a ride actually? i need a new jacket.

Dick: sure.

Damian, wandering in as Dick and Steph leave: Pennyworth, Jason is requesting he be alerted when you go to the store so he can accompany you.

Alfred, blinking: ...oh- yes, that sounds lovely, i'll be sure to let him know.

Tim, curiously: hey Dami, did you know that women can blood-bend, and that's how they turn off their periods when they go swimming?

Damian:

Alfred, walking past Damian's bedroom at night: *slows, squints through the open door*

Damian: *clearly dressed to go out, buttoning up his shirt*

Alfred: Master Damian?

Damian, calmly: yes, Pennyworth?

Alfred: are you... going out?

Damian: yes, why?

Alfred, narrowing his eyes: i was under the impression that Master Bruce grounded you for the weekend.

Damian, instantly: no, he benched me. he never grounded me, he simply banished me from patrol for a few days. he never specified that i couldn't go out as a civilian.

Alfred:

Alfred: i see. and where, might i ask, do you plan on spending this fine evening out on the town?

Damian: one of my classmates has an older sibling that has gotten us invited to a party on his school's campus. i assure you, i plan on remaining safe and staying away from recreational drugs and heavy drinking.

Alfred: right. and this party doesn't just so happen to be on Gotham University grounds, does it?

*a beat*

Damian: maybe.

Alfred, dryly: the very same party that your father and siblings are currently staking out due to rumours of suspicious rogue activity?

Damian, innocently: well i wouldn't know anything about that, being as i was benched from patrol. i'm simply a young teenager trying to have fun.

Alfred:

Alfred: *sigh* you understand that when your father notices you showing up to his case in nothing but a dress shirt, he will most likely be even more frustrated than if you'd simply snuck out as Robin?

Damian, shrugging: well, my siblings always tell me that i should be more rebellious and teen-like, so i suppose he'll just have to blame them.

Damian: *walks past Alfred, headed down towards the staircase*

Alfred: *silently watches him go*

Alfred:

Alfred, softly to himself: i don't think it's my responsibility to do anything about this. i simply work here.

Alfred:

*distant front door swinging open and shut*

Alfred: he said he would abstain from 'heavy' drinking, not drinking in general, didn't he?

Alfred: