Sleep deprivation, mood swings out of stress and nightmares. Here we go again.
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@bluecrystalgemster
Sleep deprivation, mood swings out of stress and nightmares. Here we go again.

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Don't feel quite like myself today. And typically me, people around me don't notice because I don't let it show. Kinda felt moody the whole day and kinda sad and angry but once again, being me, I can't explain why. Either stress or PMS lol you choose. It doesn't matter though I just felt lost today. Was glad enough that I only studied with my bestie today and work got cancelled due to the bad weather, so I didn't have to fake a smile to anyone else. Tomorrow's another day, I'm sure it'll be better as soon as the sun comes out again.
Do you care
Do you care
Do you care
You don't care
You don't know me
You don't own me
You won't like me
Leave me be
I told myself I'd never let myself get hurt again. Guess I told myself a lie.
Wow tbh I wasn't sure if I should post this because I scribbled it on a paper once when I was sad. I'm not now but I found it and thought OK imma throw this shit into tumblrđ one thing I learned about sadness and loneliness, it really helps to talk about it. It doesn't help yourself if you bottle it all up. And to be honest with myself, writing it down here feels good but it doesn't relieve me completely either. And you feel it even more worse and intense by bottling it all up. I realised that when I started to discuss my family problems intensively with my s/o the other night. It wasn't anything hurtful he said or I felt but I just randomly started to tear up and couldn't stop crying. That's when I realised I was bottling all of that up inside of me this whole time and is just released itself in that very moment. It felt relieving though. Very much. The situation hasn't changed but at least I feel a lot better now. I should talk about my feelings more often with the people close to me. Open up a little bit and allow myself to be vulnerable for once. It's easier said than done but I want to try.
The day's been all good until nightfall. Going to bed, wanting to go to sleep and then a brief thought. The thought spirals in my head and I start thinking, thinking and finally overthinking. If there's a flaw to my personality, that's one of the biggest ones . It's self-destructive. It's not productive. It ruins my mood. It makes me moody, angry and so very sad at the same time. It's only negative. As Gabriel Picolo(credit artist) put it - overthinker is an asshole. Fuck me and my thoughts. Why can't they just leave me alone for once.
So here I am once again.
My tumblr was kind of dead for a long while now. Mainly because I only start writing when I feel uneasy and need to get stuff out of my head. Well, my anxiety attacks are back woohoo so here I am typing down my thoughts again.
Things have been real good lately. Except for the sleep deprivation I had at the beginning of the past semester. But things have been real good. I got through my exams quite well, enjoyed the past weeks of my holidays and it should be all fine. Being me however, my brain and thoughts are going crazy for no reason again.
So yeah, the thing that's giving me anxiety is, is not hearing back from my applications for my practical semester. That's a thing I can handle though, I just have to get ahold of myself and start writing new applications and send them all out. But still the thought is gnawing at the back of my head. If my applications aren't good enough or if I have to put more effort into it...
Another thing is I'm having weird dreams again. This time I keep dreaming having conflicts with my bf or generally really stressed out situations with people appearing I know in real life. I just can't explain why I'm having so stressful dreams when I at least feel quite at ease when I'm awake. My relationship with my partner is great and it couldn't be more perfect, my friends are there for me whenever I need them, and my family is the usual fucking mess but I'm used to that so it doesn't bother me as much.
I talked about it with my best friend and she joked that maybe my dreams are being so weird because everything is perfect relationship-wise and I'm overthinking in my sleep. So I'm hoping it's that and it will pass soon and that it's just a phase. Just like all the other downs I've had so far. I tend to wake up moody when I dream about fighting or anything similar and I don't like that at all. Maybe that's why I tend to stay awake until 2am or so lately. Because I'm subconsciously afraid to go to sleep and have a bad dream again. It hasn't happened every night though, at times I sleep really well. So yeah guess it's just my head messing with me again and I just have to get over it.
Anxiety attack over and out

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So trial week of the CEO-routine is over.
In conclusion: it went pretty well actually. My sleep deprivation didn't get a lot better but I do feel more productive in getting things done in the morning and being able to relax a little in the evening. The last two days I actually slept a bit better than usual so maybe the sleep deprivation is just a work in progress I'm gonna work on with this routine.
So looks like I'll try to keep on going with this routine at least during my uni days, so Mondays till Thursdays. Fridays I'll try to be as productive as I can during the day and still try to sleep in and the weekends I'll be taking time for my boyfriend, friends etc. This will change in time again when my exams come up but until then I'll try to keep it up and restructure my routine for the semester finals.
So yeah I definetly feel a bit more relaxed and organised so keeping it up I hope I'll finally get all my shit together and done lol.
Can you feel anxious from having the feeling that you don't have enough time?
I'm going to keep things simple. A day has 24 hours. In these 24 hours a person tries to get trough the day, work hard, get back home, do chores, practice a hobby, have some time for themselves and so on. That's the ideal way to go about a day right? You go to bed and think to yourself, wow you accomplished something - anything - today. It gives people meaning and people need that. It's just how we are. We feel good and happy if we have the feeling we got to do something good. For ourselves or for others.
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Now the thing is I've been feeling kind of off the last few weeks. It's not like I feel anxious or anything like that but I have the feeling I've come to a halt. That I stopped somewhere along the road and haven't been able to keep on walking. And what bothers me the most is that I've realised this so late. That I've stopped so long and haven't seen the time passing by. It's not anything crucial really, it's just that I have the feeling that in my 24 hours I don't find enough time to get the things done that I want to. I've got everything planned out every week, when to study for university, when to do chores, when to go grocery shopping, when to meet with friends etc. But in the end I lay in bed and still have the feeling I forgot to do something. Maybe that's the reason why I've been having sleep deprivation every now and then. When the subconscious feeling is especially strong I have trouble sleeping and wake up every few hours. That results to me getting less things done because after a whole day at university and lack of sleep, I'm tired as hell.
I haven't really talked about this with anyone because I thought it wasn't important. That I'm just being the crazy bitch that I am and stressing myself out over something that isn't even there. But now it's been piling up and I physically "see" what I've left unaccomplished. Be it deadlines for university I've been trying to keep up with or deadlines and errands I have to get done before Christmas and the end of the semester. My problem is that I hate it when I can't get things done, when I can't get a set goal done in the time I planned for it. It makes me nervous and anxious and in time everyone around me starts to feel it too because I can't hide it any longer and I start getting tense in my surrounding environment. I feel like I'm having a deja vu to my first semester lol.
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Don't anyone think I'm helpless though, I'm not. I'm going to face this straightforward.
There's this thing called the CEO-morning-routine I read about. It's supposed to help you feel less stressed throughout the day and to get the feeling you get more stuff done at the same time. I thought I might give this routine a test run for a week or so and see how it goes. The routine is simple, you just change your sleeping schedule: instead of going to bed late, you go to sleep early at around 10pm and therefore set your timer to wake up at 4am. It sounds harsh I know but supposedly you have the feeling to get more things done in the morning before work or university whatsoever. If you get most chores and to-do's done early in the morning, you can relax in the evening and have some time for yourself. The routine specifically suggests you take 1-2 hours a day for self care. Be it working out, having a relaxing bath or reading. Just to relax and clear your mind before you go to sleep.
It sounds promising at least so I'll definetly give it a try, maybe starting next week. If it goes well I might even keep up doing it. If I'm not up to it I'll drop it as soon as this phase is over.
I might even try to use my 1-2 hours self care time to Blog about the experience, I always find it calming to write my thoughts down. We'll see.
|| This is a short story told in the game âThe Longest Journeyâ from the Dreamfall series. I thought it to be very moving and looked it up on the interet to post it||
Moran was a handsome young Alatien man with strong wings and a hardy beak. He lived below the white cliffs, where the water was salty and the fish plentiful. Moran was betrothed to Anara, the loveliest girl there ever was. She was fair, and slender, and tall, and her eyes were the clearest shade of blue.
But Moran was hesitant to enter into union with Anara, to become her husband and to give her children. He would always come up with a new excuse for why they had to wait a little while longer. Now, Anara was skilled at pottery, but even more so with stories, and the Teller of the village had many times asked Anara to be her apprentice, to learn all the Tales so that some day she could take over as the Teller. But Anara refused, knowing that if she did accept the Tellerâs offer, she would never be able to marry Moran, because a Teller cannot have a husband nor children of her own. Her refusal to become the Tellerâs apprentice was unheard of, because who could refuse such an honor? But to Anara, love was more important. Her love for Moran was beyond honor, beyond reason. But despite Anaraâs love, Moran was still hesitant.
And then one day he told Anara, âI am traveling on a pilgrimage to the far shores. I will be gone for some time, and while I am traveling⌠and in accordance with our traditions, I will be freed from our betrothal. Not until I come back will the bond between us be renewed.â It was not unusual for a young Alatien man at that time to go on a pilgrimage, and the bond between the betrothed would often be cut while he was away, to be formed again upon his return. But Anara was heartbroken, because she had thought that Moran would soon want to marry her. When Moran saw her tears, he said to her, âDo not weep. When I come back, I promise I will marry you. Just wait for me, and stay with your pots, to make the time pass quickly.â And then Moran left on his pilgrimage to the far shores.
Many years went by, and Moran had exciting adventures on the far shores, but by and by, he began to long for home, and for Anara, and now he had finally realized that he loved her, and that he wanted to marry her. But when he returned, he could not find Anara amongst the pot makers. He went to visit her family, and they told him that, after waiting for many years, Anara accepted the Tellerâs offer of apprenticeship⌠and that when the Teller left on the last wind during the previous winter, Anara herself became the new Teller.
Angry, Moran made his way to the Tellerâs nest, and when he saw Anara he said to her, âYou promised me you would wait!â. But Anara did not say a single word in answer. She just turned around⌠and lifted something wrapped in leaves from the cot behind her, and gave it to Moran. Moran unwrapped the package, and inside, he found an old pot, cracked and broken in two.
âWhat is this pot?â he asked. âAnd why did you not wait for me like I asked you to?â
And finally, Anara spoke, and she said to Moran, âI made this pot for you, my dear Moran, when you left⌠because I wanted it to be my marriage gift to you. But when many, many years passed, I finally realized that you did not love me the way I loved you, and to live hoping otherwise would be death.â
âBut I want to marry you!â cried Moran. âI came back!â
But Anara just nodded at the broken pot in Moranâs hands, and said, âLike an old pot that is left without care, a heart may break in twoâŚâ
And so Anara turned away, never to speak with Moran again. And Moranâs heart, like the pot that was left untended, broke in two, because absence makes a heart brittle⌠and a broken heart can never be mended.
Calvin and HobbesđŚ
âI am homeâ Credit: IG: @futarinokizuna_
This artwork is kind of thought provoking so I thought I might share it. And I dread tomorrow. Enough said I guess.

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Itâs gonna be a weird week starting today. The last week me and my family are together like this - itâs hard to imagine. My mom and sister are going to move to Japan on Saturday. So Iâll be left with my youngest sister and step-father until the end of the year, then my other sister will be gone too. Iâve known that this day will come for months now but itâs still really hard to realise that itâs actually happening now. I think the moment I realise theyâre really gone is when theyâre actually gone on Saturday. Itâs not like Iâm overly attachted to seeing them often or whatever, Iâve moved out almost a year ago and am not at home often. Even during my holidays because I tend to be around my friends a lot or working at weird shift hours and well - letâs put it this way - I was mostly avoiding any stress and fights back at home that became a regular thing the past years. So like I said, Iâm used to not seeing my family as often as I would if I still lived at home. But the thought of seeing them only once a year, or even only once in two years? Thatâs a whole new level of distance Iâve ever had between myself and my close family, which includes my mother and my sisters. Iâm not quite sure how to deal with that. Itâs so weird to know that they were so close now and will be so far away in a few days. I canât just call them at any time if I have a problem I need help with, like I used to - I mean we have 8 hours of time difference so I could only call them in the morning or very late at night. Now I happily remember how nice it was when my mom called me and asked if everything was alright, after I moved out a year ago - it was really comforting when I was stressed out or felt lonely. Or even if itâs just a quick call to know if Iâm doing alright, when she knew I was sick or whatever. Calls like that are going to be rare now. And not seeing my sisters for so long is going to be a hard time dealing with as well. Even though we fight or annoy eachother sometimes, Iâm going to miss that. Or just the long talks we have as sisters or the rare quality times we get to spend with eachother.
So yeah, itâs going to be a weird week and not really an enjoyable one at home because everyone is stressing out with preparations for the moving to Japan. It will be quiet at home after that. Thatâs kind of sad.
đToday marks the day of the Tanabata festival in Japan! 07/07đitâs a beautiful holiday that is celebrated based on an ancient love story đâ¤ď¸ sadly I couldnât enjoy it with my family this year, but as the tradition goes, you write your wish on a piece of paper and knot it onto a bamboo tree to make it come true. I donât have any bamboo here so my little gummy tree will do lol đđđ for those who donât know much about this festival here a short summaryđđđđ
Tanabata also known as the Star Festival, is a Japanese festival originating from the Chinese Qixi Festival. It celebrates the meeting of the deities Orihime and Hikoboshi. According to legend, the Milky Way separates these lovers, and they are allowed to meet only once a year on the seventh day of the seventh lunar month of the lunisolar calendar.
Orihime (çšĺ§ŤÂ Weaving Princess), daughter of the Tentei (夊ĺ¸Â Sky King, or the universe itself), wove beautiful clothes by the bank of the Amanogawa (夊ăŽĺˇÂ Milky Way, âheavenly riverâ). Her father loved the cloth that she wove and so she worked very hard every day to weave it. However, Orihime was sad that because of her hard work she could never meet and fall in love with anyone. Concerned about his daughter, Tentei arranged for her to meet Hikoboshi (彌ćCowman/Cowherd Star, or Boy Star)(also referred to as Kengyuu (ç˝ç)) who lived and worked on the other side of the Amanogawa. When the two met, they fell instantly in love with each other and married shortly thereafter. However, once married, Orihime no longer would weave cloth for Tentei and Hikoboshi allowed his cows to stray all over Heaven. In anger, Tentei separated the two lovers across the Amanogawa and forbade them to meet. Orihime became despondent at the loss of her husband and asked her father to let them meet again. Tentei was moved by his daughterâs tears and allowed the two to meet on the 7th day of the 7th month if she worked hard and finished her weaving. The first time they tried to meet, however, they found that they could not cross the river because there was no bridge. Orihime cried so much that a flock of magpies came and promised to make a bridge with their wings so that she could cross the river. It is said that if it rains on Tanabata, the magpies cannot come because of the rise of the river and the two lovers must wait until another year to meet. The rain of this day is called âThe tear of Orihime and Hikoboshiâ.
#saturdaymood
Finals đđ
Have I mentioned I hate PMS yet? If not I've mentioned it now and have spoken for all women out there. Fuck all these hormones lol can'tt get ahold of my feelings right now fml. I guess every girl and woman has a different kind of pms experience and I'm so glad I barely have cramps or whateva. But damn I tend to have crazy mood swings and go from being happy in one moment to the next when I cry for no fucking reason. Best I'm left alone when like this lol. Strange and random post in between my long contemplating about stuff but I had to get this out of my head.

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đ¸Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are nowđ¸ So yeah back with a new post since forever it seems. I haven't had the motivation nor reason to write down anything new in recent times. Not that I lacked the time or anything. I just didn't know what to write about, I was around a lot of people and had a lot of things to do and attend to willingly and happily of course. It's been a good second semester so far. New exams are coming up now though, maybe that's the reason I start to write again. It's mostly when something is on my mind or if I'm kinda stressed. But today I'm not going to complain about anything whatsoever, just write down my thoughts. Here we go So last night I skyped with an old friend of mine. We don't see each other as often because she lives quite far away and we're not always back in our hometown at the same time. So we did a bit of catching up, talked about this and that. And just like any other girl-talk between good friends, the topics we talked about went waaaay deeper than we expected. We talked about the future, what we expect of life, what we're willing to sacrifice to achieve these goals we set for ourselves, what kind of people surround us now, what kind of people do we want to be surrounded by further on. Stuff like that. It's funny, because she very often shares the same opinion as me in many aspects. One thing we could agree on 100%. We adore open-minded people who want to see the world. People who seek for adventure of any kind, to broaden their mind, to learn new things every day, be it culture, people, food, landscapes etc. Not just because we admire such people but we want to be just like them, admirable for their attitude in life, non-hesitant to take a daring step forward, if it could be of means to accomplish your own goals or just for the sole purpose to grow was a person. That's a thing I wish for my future too. I want to see the world with my own eyes and make a picture of it for myself. I want to get to know so many different people, discuss about so many different mindsets. I want to live, even if the time short, amongst different people to learn what they know differently than I do. I want to live life fully so I could maybe one day lay back and say to myself: I have no regrets living my life to the fullest up until now. Even though that might be a distant future for me right now, I want to keep this mind-set and strive to it. This entire conversation with my friend gave me so much hope for the future and so much joy, it really lightened up my mood. So I'll keep on working as hard as I can and hope all of this was worth while.
âBefore I die I want toâŚ"Â
Thatâs how a speech started that I watched on TEDTalks recently late at night after a day of studying. The woman presenting the topic said that she wanted people to learn how to get rid of useless time of small talk and get them to âbig talkâ. Her concept was, that people could just get to the point to having deep and meaningful conversations with random strangers or acquaintances without having that awkward distance between one another while you converse through small talk. She described it all so well, I was really inspired by what she said. She said that this idea came into mind when she felt lonely during her first year at college. She had a hard time finding deep and trust-bound friendships other than the old friendships she already had during her time at school. So she wanted to challenge herself and others by confronting strangers with deep and meaningful questions to get to know them better on a personal level instead of using the usual nonchalant questions you would when conversing in small talk. This young woman shot a video and interviewed random strangers on the street by giving them one task. They were supposed to complete the following sentence for themselves: âBefore I die I want toâŚâ At first most of them were startled by the question because it seemed to be a topic they hadnât really thought about that much. They all answered honestly and by listening to their response you could learn so much about the kind of person they were already. If they valued family over friends. If they had a certain passion for something or someone. If they had dreams they want to come true and goals to reach before life ends. This presentation really got me thinking too. Iâm that type of person that really values deep conversations like these, I mean I talk about topics like this almost all the time with my best friends. But I realised not with every one of them. So maybe itâs time for me to also start to put more trust in the people around me and challenge myself and them to show me different sides of themselves I havenât seen before. And to show them what kind of a person I am on the inside. I think that might be a good start to get to know them better but also to get to know myself better. As to see things from different perspectives and to broaden the mind.