The Blue Boi is a Puppy

Also, speaking as somebody who knows about the porn art subculture and who’s seen that stuff, that tr*p stuff isn’t just transphobic but also, with the whole “Oh the character identifies as male in the diegesis, but we put them in a special slur-based category because they’re in a dress” sort of plots that show up constantly in there, that term is pretty blatantly being used as one long holy shit-level “no homo” thing for a lot of guys with deeply internalized biphobia.

Safewords happen. They are important and vital to healthy and safe BDSM activity. The first time hearing a safeword, though, can be a panic moment for a new dominant, so when it happens, just remember to R.E.A.D:

React- stop play immediately, undo any ties or bindings and get your submissive into a comfortable position.

Evaluate- determine whether or not your submissive is capable of communicating and if they are in immediate physical danger. Determine the type of care they need.

Administer care- this can take many forms depending on what kind of care they need, but will often take the form of hydration and cuddling. At this point you should also be reassuring your submissive that you are proud of them for using their safeword responsibly.

Debrief- once your submissive is capable of clear speech, have an open and honest conversation with them about what went wrong in the scene. Make sure to ask what they felt and have them walk through the experience from their end. Make sure you show empathy and encourage your submissive to speak freely, as these debriefs are one of the ways we learn.

Sometime these steps happen all at once and sometimes they are spaced out over a relatively long period of time, but always remember to R.E.A.D any time a safeword is used!

Play safe!

Seriously. Being dominant does not mean being harsh. You can be a top who constantly praises and pampers and rewards your pet for good behavior, and you’re still being Dominant.

Beware that your top/dom/etc may have different or even opposite reactions to me so keep on with the strong communication. I’ll be speaking from the dom/sub perspective but I would guess this has some crossover to related dynamics. 

Check yourself first: Simultaneous drop is the pits but, in my experience at least, hasn’t been super common. But be honest about what you are experiencing.  A sub may think they are being helpful or serving their partner by hushing up and helping their dom before sharing their own need. Speaking broadly, however, most doms will drown in self-recrimination later if they weren’t given the opportunity to assist their sub before having their own needs seen to. 

There may be extenuating circumstances like a dom’s chronic mental or physical health needs that dictate they receive support or care first but that should be determined before play and should be collaborative - taking the decision our of your dom’s hands because you believe you know better about their health or needs does not a healthy dynamic make.  

Physical need: think about blood sugar, hydration, warmth, safety; does your dom seem to get their ‘balance’ back after a hot/cool shower? do they experience hypoglycemia at other times in their lives?  are there visual or physical cues that make them feel secured/anchored/safe? Observation and experimentation are your friends here. 

Communicating about this when not in top (or sub) drop is important and allows one or both partners to prepare supplies for effective aftercare proactively and not reactively. Doms are well able to prepare the tools for their own aftercare once y’all can discern what’s needed.  

Good/Bad/Neutral: This is more general and basically commonsense but when working with folks in drop, in anxiety spirals, post trauma, etc, I ask if what I’m thinking of trying will be good/bad/neutral or helpful/hurtful/neutral. i.e. “Would physical touch be good, bad, or neutral right now?” A person may not be verbal enough to indicate or are too overloaded to make a decision. In that case, have a pre-agreement on whether they’d like you to make the decision on your own to get them food, give them cuddles, whatever you’re suggesting if they’re not in a place do do it themselves.  

See if your partner can reflect on what drop physiologically feels like. For me, I might feel like I’m about to vibrate out of my skin, I can feel subjectively very cold, sometimes my stomach is swooping. When that happens I need affirmative touch, blankets, deep breathing, and a carb. But naming the experiences helped me think of corresponding actions that might be helpful.  

Reaffirmation of your submission: On the cognitive side, when dropping, I can get into a space where I feel like I was insufficient as a dominant (even when a scene goes really well) and thus the idea that my sub is an inch away from withdrawing their submission starts chasing itself through my mind. Hearing my sub verbally re-affirm their eagerness to submit is a balm. Receiving acts of service, even something as simple as having water fetched for me to rehydrate with can be soothing.  

Reassurance: It sounds like you are already doing this but reassurance is great. ‘You didn’t hurt me in any way you didn’t intend to’ is helpful for me in particular but it really, really helps me to hear details of what you enjoyed. The mileage on this may vary wildly from dom to dom, especially depending on what cognitive/emotional pieces accompany the physical sensation of their drop, but ‘I loved it when you…’ or ‘I felt X when you did Y’ is probably the most effective reassurance/encouragement I receive. Not everyone is up for an after-action report but that level of detail is super grounding for me. 

Relocation/Distraction: Played in the bedroom? Relocate to the livingroom. Living out those kitchen fantasies? Ride out the aftercare in your bedroom. Drop doesn’t always immediately follow a high but when it does, relocation can be helpful. And I think distraction speaks for itself but I’ve been finding Bob Ross on Netflix very soothing recently. 

dom: “use your words”