I’m hurting so very much, silly reasons but it feels all too real. Pressing my face into my pillow to cry my heart out so no one will hear me.

I spent every waking hour of my days worrying I said the wrong things to you. I felt awful, I wanted to maybe rekindle our friendship, I believed everything you and her said about me. I’m mean and selfish, I’m a bitch. I tend to think I care deeply for peoples feelings and I try my best to love and support them even if I don’t agree with their views on life. I really was there for you, I did so much for you, I was a good friend. But here I am doubting all of what I thought were my good qualities, again. You knew what I’d been through yet you pulled the same old stunt as her. I don’t know how you painted me out to be the bad guy, how is this happening again, why am I so hated. I like to believe people when they say “no you’re not in the wrong” and “they’re manipulative and crazy”. But I can’t believe it I really can’t. I take things to heart and I never forget them. Your words stay with me for life. So here I am playing the victim that I am not, again.

For three years, all I have ever wanted was for him to look at me