Bluebella

Oblivious!Hasan who genuinely thinks you just walk your dog the same place he does every day. Even Kaya seems to know what you’re trying to do.

Oblivious!Hasan who doesn’t even realise that you’re one of the only people he’ll talk on the phone with for hours.

You who starts to give up on him. There’s only so much heartache you can take so you start to distance yourself from him.

Oblivious!Hasan who can’t figure out why he’s so irritable lately. Until he realises you haven’t spoken to him in days. It very slowly dawns on him that he’s maybe possibly completely in love with you.

Lovesick!Hasan who looking back notices all the signs you were giving him and wants to kick his own ass for missing them, worried he’ll never get another chance with you.

Hasan didn’t really take naps before you moved in with him. He always kept his schedule so busy that he really didn’t have time.

However when you live with him, he’s quite happy for you to drag him onto the couch or into bed after a stream.

Sometimes he doesn’t even sleep, he just enjoys the way you snuggle into him while you’re asleep.

Kaya is also a big fan of family nap time. She plops herself on the other side of Hasan. Yes everyone is a little bit too warm but he wouldn’t change it for the world

The more he does this naptime routine, the more often he does fall asleep in the family cuddle pile.

Smoking is such a dirty habit. You remember when you were a child the smell used to make you screw your face up, it reminds you of your uncle. You could always find him by following the stench of cheap cigarettes. You wonder if he did the for the same reason as you, desperation to be in control of something. You blow plume of smoke out into the air of the penthouse balcony and watch it float away. Your eyes flick down to the smouldering butt in your fingers, guilt bubbles in your gut. There goes another clean streak. You hear the glass door slide open, he’s checking up on you, abandoning his stream.

“You’re smoking again?” He questions. You can hear disappointment in his tone, it makes you curl in on yourself. You turn your head to peer at him, he’s dressed in his suit almost comically opposing your disheveled self. Your hood is pulled up over your head with your free hand stuffed in the hoodie pocket. You don’t know what to tell him. He won’t understand why you need this.

“I guess so” You shrug after a moment, turning back to the New York skyline. You feel his eyes on you, you’re worrying him. You stub out your cigarette on the small table next to you and dump it in your makeshift ash tray (a glass).

“Something on your mind?” He asks. You know he doesn’t mean it to sound so accusatory, he always struggles to turn off his online persona. Still, it makes you put your guard up a little.

“Nothing important” You smile half heartedly at him. You can tell he wants to argue with you, tell you he can’t fix it if you don’t communicate what’s wrong. But he’s stream is waiting for him inside.

“Well, I’m almost done. Then we can order some food up yeah?” He says with his eyes still trained on you. You nod and he disappears back inside, leaving you alone with your thoughts once more.

You aren’t sure why you’re struggling just now. You’ve been hiding your relationship with Hasan from pretty much everyone you know for years at this point. The last few weeks have been hard, the more attention he gets from the mainstream media bring so many more hungry eyes. Everyone is talking about the lefts most eligible bachelor. But he’s not. He’s supposed to be yours. No one knows about you, not even his closest friends. He swears it’s easier for both of you, you agreed with him for a while. But the secrecy is taking its toll, your insecurity claws at your throat. You can’t tell him. He’s got so much on his plate and you can’t let yourself add to it.

You look at the sky again, wishing it held answers. You resist the urge to light another cigarette and head back inside, careful to stay out of sight of the camera as you head back to the bedroom.

-

Hasan finishes stream slightly early. He’s got a gut feeling that you need him right now. He finds you lying on the bed, doomscrolling on your phone. You look tired, even more than you did on the balcony. He’s got a feeling what this is about, it can’t be easy listening to the whole world talk about how eligible he is. Part of him wants to scream at the world how his heart only belongs to you, another part is terrified of what would happen to you if he did. He’s seen firsthand how cruel the internet can be to anyone associated with him, how could he ever do that to you?

He crouches down next to your head, he’s hit with a whiff of minty. You’ve brushed your teeth to hide the smell of smoke. His hand gently rests on the side of your face.

“You want to tell me what’s going on in that pretty little head of yours?” He asks quietly. He hates seeing you upset. He’ll do almost anything to fix it.

“You just got done, don’t you want to relax?” You sigh. He desperately tries to not roll his eyes at your avoidance.

“I won’t relax until I know you’re ok. You haven’t smoked in almost a year” He sighs. He understands the pull, some days he’d happily light up a smoke to unwind after dealing with morons all day. He just doesn’t understand why you gave in.

“I’m just…I’m just struggling. A little bit. It’s nothing” You mumble trying not to meet his gaze. Uncertainty twists in his gut. This is it, you’re done sneaking around. This is where he loses you.

“Struggling with what honey?” He continues anyway. He won’t make you stay if you’re unhappy, even if it kills him.

“This” You gesture lazily between yourself and him as you sit up. The dagger in his heart twists a little more.

“The sneaking around?” He says, voice shaking a little. He’s mentally beating himself up already. You deserve to be shown off, how could he be so fucking stupid? He deserves to be alone.

“I don’t know why! I’ve been fine with it-Have been fine with it! I know you love me, I just- I don’t know” You ramble, fingers pulling at your hair. How could he do this to you? He’s ruined you. He’s fighting back tears already.

“If you need to… take a break… from us. That’s ok” He can’t meet your eyes when he says it. His heart is shattering in his chest already, looking at you might kill him.

“I don’t want to” You pout tearfully. You pounce at him, he’s barely got a chance to get himself on the bed before you’re curling into his chest. He’s not sure if it’s you or him trembling. He squeezes you into him like a child holding a teddy bear after a nightmare. He can’t lose you. He won’t.

“I’ll tell everyone” He says suddenly. You tense against him. “I mean it”

You sit up to look at him. His face is serious. He really means it. You feel more tears pour down your cheeks.

“Really?” You ask in disbelief. He nods immediately.

“I don’t care what anyone tries to do. You’re my girl” He sounds so sure of himself even though the anxiety in his chest is making it hard to breathe. You kiss him hard, pouring everything you can into the kiss.

That night, once your fallen asleep on his chest, he scrolls through his camera roll. He picks ten of his favourite pictures of you and him to post on his socials. He looks down at you and smiles before hitting post. Not even ten minutes later, he gets a text.

This isn’t how you expected your life to be at this point. When you were younger you always imagined a perfect white picket fence life: a husband, a dog, a toddler with a little baby on the way. You almost had it, for a while. Then something changed. You and your boyfriend fought constantly over basically anything, the laundry, bills, who changed more diapers. The once perfect life you had pictured crumbled in front of your eyes. You put on a brave face for your daughter. Tried to make the idea of having two homes exciting. She wasn’t old enough to understand, she just wanted both her parents under one roof.

The first few months after you moved out were tough to say the least. Your little girl would scream and beg for her papa at night. Whenever you dropped her off at her dad’s she would have a meltdown when you went to leave. The scheduling was hard too: who had her when, where would he pick her up from, could his mom have her on x day?

It took almost a year but you’ve got the hang of this whole co-parenting thing. Drop offs aren’t a battle anymore. Hasan actually moves his schedule around now. Life almost feels peaceful. You decide to download Tinder again after many years, time to move on from Hasan. You swipe through far too many rude, arrogant men until you find Josh. He’s nice enough, if not a little dull. You chalk it up to nerves. You arrange to meet him for dinner next Saturday.

You: Hey! Can you take birdie next weekend?

Hasan: Yeah no problem

Hasan still gets slightly sad when you drop off his daughter. He’s not sure why, maybe it’s seeing you in his space again. He was so sure you were it for him, the fairytale ending. Well, at least you’ll be in his life forever. He’s got all of Birdies favourite toys laid out and dinner keeping warm in the oven. Will and Caroline are coming over in the morning to see their niece. It’s so domestic. The only thing missing is you.

You appear at his door five minutes early as always. Birdie is perched on your hip, bouncing with excitement to see her Papa. You smile gracefully as he opens the door, your little girl immediately trying to squirm her way out of your arms.

“There’s my girl!” Hasan grins, plucking her from your arms. She squeals as he lifts her above his head before smothering her with kisses. You follow them inside, listening to her ramble about all the things she did this week. Until she sees Kaya and immediately wants put down to see her big sister. Hasan watches them from the corner of his eye as you place her diaper bag on the kitchen island.

“So, plans tonight?” He asks offhandedly. He thinks you’re probably due a girls night, you definitely deserve one. However, from the way you flinch slightly at his question, he might be wrong.

“I uh, have a date actually” You admit while desperately avoiding eye contact with him. His mouth is suddenly dry and he feels slightly sick. Part of him knew this would happen eventually. Neither of you would stay single forever. He hadn’t prepared himself for this at all.

“Oh! That’s- that’s great!” He tries to sound enthusiastic. To hide the growing heartbreak in his chest. He does not want to think about another man’s hands on you. He’s suddenly fascinated by the marble countertops.

“Yeah, I’m excited about it” You smile. You are genuinely excited to go out and be a human again. Not just a mom. He smiles back at you but it doesn’t reach his eyes. You call over your daughter .

“You be a good girl for Papa ok?” You remind her, giving her a big hug. She runs off the second your grip loosens,

“Don’t worry, she’ll keep me out of trouble” Hasan jokes. He’s not sure if he wants you to leave or stay. The tension between you is palpable. He watches you walk out the door, waits for it to click shut before he lets out a sigh he didn’t know he was holding in.

“Papa draw!” The little girl shouts for him.

As he’s sat on the floor, carefully colouring in a unicorn his daughter already scribbled all over, he can’t help the jealousy burning in his chest. You should be here with them, cuddled up on the couch with Kaya as he chased the toddler around. But you’re not. He’s definitely not blameless for your absence, fatherhood has not been an easy adjustment for him and he had taken out a lot of frustration on you. Maybe part of him thought he could have you back. If he just proved how much he had changed, maybe you would love him again. But he’s missed his chance.

“Papa sad?” She asks, watching him intently from across the coffee table. She looks just like you when she does that.

“A little bit, Birdie. Sometimes people get sad” He explains gently. She thinks for a moment before launching herself into his lap and burrowing into his chest. He will never admit to getting a little misty eyed at that.

“All better” She mumbles against his chest. He hugs her tighter.

“All better”

-

Turns out dating is still horrible. Once you had met Josh at the restaurant, the first thing he did was look you up and down and shake his head. He explained that you ‘dressed like you were going clubbing’. You decided to ignore that comment. He barely made any more conversation until he was five drinks in and you made the mistake of mentioning your child.

“You have a kid?” He asked, disgusted look on his face. You don’t want your shock to show on your face at his tone.

“Uh, yeah I have-“ You started to explain before he cut you off

“Fuck sake, another used up whore” He groaned.

“Excuse me?!”

“Single moms are the downfall of America you know?” He laugh, spitting everywhere.

“I’m leaving” You stand up and bolt out the door. Dating is horrible.

Once you were back in your car, far away from that disgusting man, you just sat there for a minute. Bad dates were always a blow to the ego but that was a whole new level. There must have been signs, how could you be so stupid? Tears rolled down your cheeks, maybe you should just be single forever.

Your phone starts ringing in your bag placed on the passenger seat, you scramble to answer it.

“Hey! Sorry to interrupt your date, have you got Piglet? She was fell asleep before she noticed it wasn’t here but I’m screwed if she wakes up in the night and she doesn’t have it” Hasan explains. You desperately try and control yourself, the last thing you need is your ex knowing how much you’re struggling to move on. A quick look in your daughter car seat shows Piglet lying there.

“Yeah I’ve got it in the car, I’ll come drop it off” You say. Hasan’s stomach drops when he hears your shaky voice, you only sound like that when you’ve been crying.

“Are you ok?” He asks gently. You let out a humourless laugh, swiping away a stray tear.

“I’m fine, just a shitty date” You sigh.

“Do you need someone to come get you? I can call Will, or Austin I guess” He rambles. That’s the Hasan you know, always in fix-it mode.

“No, I’m ok. I promise. I’ll drop off her toy on my way home ok?”

-

Hasan is pacing around his kitchen like a mad man. His mind is in overdrive over all the things that could have possibly happened to you. He’ll never forgive himself for letting you walk away, he should have kept you right here where it’s safe. It takes all his willpower not to bolt right over to you when you let yourself in. Probably the last thing you need is a 6’2 man crowding your space. He’s relieved to see that you’re not too disheveled, your makeup has run a little but no obvious physical damage. His chest is screaming at him to hold you, to make all the anguish go away. He resists.

You don’t look at him. You can’t take his pity just now. You consider throwing the plushie at him and running out the door. You fiddle with its pink arms, chewing the inside of your cheek.

“Sweetheart, what happened?” He asks carefully, like he’s talking to a frightened animal. You can feel him watching you, part of you wants to fall into his arms like you used to do.

“It was awful, he was so rude. He told me single moms are ruining America” You start crying again and Hasan breaks. He’s always hated seeing you cry. He’s wrapped around you in an instant, pressing your head into his chest. You can’t stop the tears dampening his shirt anymore, your daughter’s plushie squished in between you.

“I just wanted someone to like me” You sob quietly. He squeezes you tighter, tears pricking at his own eyes. He subconsciously kisses your hair. God he missed how your shampoo smells.

“Sorry, you don’t need to deal with this” You say, pulling away from him. It feels wrong, the sudden distance between you.

“You deserve so much better than him” He sighs. He can’t take his eyes off you, even heartbroken, you’re the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen.

“You were” You say quietly. He looks crushed by your words. Maybe he does miss you as much as you miss him. You’re not sure what comes over you, as you launch yourself at him. Your lips meet his and your heart soars, he kisses you back. His hands fly to your hips, you think he’ll pull you closer but he stops himself.

“Honey, we can’t” He doesn’t sound convinced by his own words “You’re upset, it wouldn’t be right”

Shame blooms in your chest. He’s right, you know that. It doesn’t soothe the sting of another rejection. You’re mentally planning your escape route when his hands cradle your face.

“Trust me, sweetheart, I want to. God I want to. But you’ll regret this in the morning” He sighs. He should punch himself, he thinks, he’s got a beautiful woman asking for him and he’s refusing her.

“Stay here tonight, I don’t want you driving like this” He says so quietly it’s almost a whisper. You nod, preparing mentally to spend the night in his guest room. Outside his bedroom door, you get a sudden sense of dread.

“I don’t want to be alone” You whisper, aware your daughter is sleeping just a room away. Hasan opens his bedroom door and gently guides you inside.

It should feel strange being under his sheets again. Being this close to him again. But it just feels so natural. You’re wearing one of his T-shirts, between that and the sheets all you can smell is him. He lays down next to you, unsure of what to do with himself. You shuffle closer to him and rest your head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. He buries his nose into your hair, sighing contentedly.

“I’ve missed you” He admits so quietly that you almost don’t hear it. Your heart warms, your fingers dance along his skin.

“I miss you too”

-

When Hasan wakes up, he’s confused for a moment. It’s been so long since he’s woken up with someone next to him. But then he remembers it’s you. Every part of him wants to roll over and bask in your warmth. However, he hears his darling daughter babbling away on the baby monitor. He quickly mutes it before she wakes you, you are supposed to be having a break. He checks his phone, Will and Caroline will be here within half an hour. He pads through to his daughter’s room, sweatpants hung low on his hips.

“Good morning Birdie!” He cheers while lifting her out of the crib. “Are you excited to see Uncle Will and Aunt Caroline?”

He takes he downstairs for breakfast, lets her eat out in the yard so she doesn’t wake you up. He’s spends most of the time trying to stop Kaya from eating all of kiddos food. It keeps his mind off of you, fast asleep upstairs. Then Will and Caroline arrive.

The little girl runs to Will the minute they walk in the door. He’ll never tell his brother but Will might be her favourite uncle. Caroline immediately notices something off with Hasan.

“She’s upstairs” Hasan admits, trying to keep his voice down. Both of them look confused for a moment, then it clicks for Caroline.

“Oh! Uh, girlie! Do you wanna go to the mall and use Uncle Wills credit card?” Caroline says, picking her up. Will is still confused.

“What?” Will asks. Caroline is already pulling him back out of the door.

“I want details later” Caroline grins at Hasan before ushering Will out the door.

Hasan lets out a deep sigh once he’s alone. He’s not sure what’s going to happen once you come downstairs. He’s terrified you’re going to just leave, that you’ll slip through his fingers once again. He doesn’t have much time to overthink it, you appear at the bottom of the stairs.

“Hey” You try to smile at him. Your hands wring together, so obviously nervous it makes Hasan’s stomach churn.

“Hey, did you sleep ok?” He asks.

“Yeah, thank you for letting me stay. You didn’t have to” You say. He’s desperate to hold you, he knows he can’t.

“You always have a place here, you know” He says

“I wanna apologise for what I did last night, I shouldn’t have made a move on you like that” You say with your eyes closed. You’re scared if you look at him you’ll start crying again.

He’s quiet for a moment, contemplating how to go about this. He decides to bite the bullet.

“Did you mean it? When you said you missed me?” He says, eyes boring into you.

“…Yeah. I did” You admit quietly.

Hasan is next to you in two long strides. He’s holding your face and kissing you before he can talk himself out of it. Your hands scramble up his torso as you kiss him back. He picks you up, your legs wrap around his waist and he carries you upstairs. Your mouth never leaving his. He places you on the bed, only pulling away to pull his shirt over your head. You pull him down onto the bed, he rests against the pillows as you straddle his hips. He groans as you grind down against him. You don’t want to waste time, you’ve waited too long for this. He slides inside of you, filling you completely.

Hasan thinks he might finish right there. Your tight warm pussy grips him so beautifully. He bites down on the inside of his cheek and tries to just focus on your pleasure. His thumb glides across your clit making you twitch.

“Fucking hell sweetheart, you trying to kill me?” He groans. You chuckle breathlessly, raising up and dropping back down. His fingers dig into the fat of your ass. He loses himself in the feeling of your movements.

“I love you” He mumbles, his soft eyes meeting yours. You pause for a second, then smile. You cup his face in your hand and kiss him slowly.

“I love you too” You sigh. He thrusts his hips up into you, hitting your spot.

“So good for me sweetheart, you wanna cum for me?” He moans. You nod enthusiastically, starting to beg him for your release. He loves the control.

Neither of you last long, it’s been too long for both of you. He pulls out (no more babies for you two, yet). He cleans you up then lies back down in bed with you, holding you close to him. His fingers run through your hair.

“We should talk about what this means” You sigh quietly. He presses his lips to your forehead.

“How long do you think it’ll take for them to notice?” You ask with a giggle. Hasan laughs and pulls out your chair for you. Marche is quietly setting up microphones and cameras for the pod.

“They’ll either notice immediately or not at all” Marche laughs. You can’t help but admire the beautiful new ring adorning your left hand as you sit down. Hasan smiles at you and kisses your head before disappearing to get a drink. Will walks in, followed closely by Austin.

“Hey you!” Will greets warmly “How was New York?” He sits down next to you and gives you a side hug.

“It was really nice actually, even if it was technically a work trip for Has” You smile. Austin is too busy drinking his coffee to pay attention to what’s going on.

“Oh my god, I have so much to catch you up on” Austin groans. Hasan comes back and holds your hand underneath the table, just in case they notice before you start filming.

QT arrives and the podcast starts as usual. Your hand rests up on the table, none of them notice your big new rock. Hasan keeps looking at it, trying not to grin at it too much. He just loves knowing you’re going to be his partner forever. As the recording starts to get close to the hour mark, Marche decides to make it a little more interesting.

“Have you guys noticed anything different about our guest?” Marche asks. Will’s head whips around, immediately looking you up and down.

“What is- OH MY GOD!” He exclaims after finally noticing your ring. Hasan immediately bursts out laughing. QT leans over the table to inspect your hand, squealing.

“What?” Austin asks, still looking at Marche. He looks back to the group and it suddenly clicks.

“OH!”

QT is openly crying at this point, already telling you that she’s making your wedding cake. Will is berating Hasan for not telling him that he was even thinking of proposing. Marche is laughing at the chaos.

“I’m invited to the wedding right?” Austin asks.

“No” Hasan jokes, earning him a slap to the arm from you.

“I need a flower boy!”