Blue🦋✨

How do you get to have it?

Why is so rare?

Sometimes I ask myself if I ever have been happy in my life

I don’t remember a time were I was truly happy

No that I’m always sad, I’m not

But most of the time I’m numb to everything

Is like I’m watching everything from above

Like it’s not real

But it is, because when I get sad, it’s the worse thing ever

I feel like trash

I’m fat and not the pretty fat, I’m fat with all wrong proportions

I haven’t eat today and I really want to eat

I’m so hungry but my favorite jeans don’t f it me anymore

I’ve been drinking water and tea all day

I have this urge to go to the bathroom and kneel in front of the toilet but I know I I shouldn’t do that

My belly, my boobs and my cheeks are so big

I’ve never been one

And understand that was hard

Looking at myself in the mirror and see how strong I was was sickening

I mean, I’m still in pain

It still hurt

But I’m choosing to wake up every day and just exist

Why I’m doing this to myself

Why I don’t end this

I’m not a coward

And it shows through my scars and my nightmares

It shows when I put on a smile and go on with the day

It shows when I embrace the pain when no one is around

I start to understand that when I knew that I didn’t need anyone to reassure me

I understand when I would look in the mirror and say to myself that I got it

Not because I think a monster will come

Not because the lonely feeling

I’m afraid of the dark

Because is when my mind go wild

And I can’t control it

When the voices don’t stop

When everything is to loud

Perhaps I’m not afraid of the dark

I tried look for you in the wind

In the pouring rain

If there was a rainbow I would run to the end just to see you

I would stay awake to see you in the sunrise

I even got down on my knees asking to find you

I look for you among people

You were there

You were there for them

But not for me

Never for me

So I learned how to not look for you

Because maybe

Just maybe you would came looking for me

But you didn’t

So I learned how to breath without you

How to smile without you

I became comfortable without you

And now I’m scared that you’ll find me

And again I found myself on my knees

I don’t blame her or you

But what she has that I don’t have?

I just want the hugs and kisses like yesterday

Before things changed

Before you leave

I feel lost and tired

I’m tired of looking for the light in the end of the tunnel

I’m tired of waiting for my moment of happiness

Didn’t I wait long enough?

Didn’t I believed even do it was Hard to?

But I still find myself here

Lost and hopeless

Hating everything and everyone around me

For make me believe

For make me wait

What should I do?

I already cried for help

I already gave up

I’m already feeling nothing