blu

- on hiatus

- no longer taking questions

- inbox is only for updates / realisations

about my blog . . .

hi! my name is blu.

i blog about my lived experiences with self realisation.

please look through my "where to start" subsection before submitting an ask.

remember that you are your best teacher so trust your own intuition and guidance. you’ll soon realise you don’t need me or anyone else.

the blogs whose teachings i learnt from are solely the ones that i follow.

godspeed. 🩵

navigation . . .

where to start:

end of all seeking 🩷 ada

4dbarbie adaptations 💜 kelly

realisophie 🧡 sophie

my reblogs 🩵

my asks:

is disidentifying just another mind activity?

how did being on antidepressants affect your self realisation?

i’m so afraid i won’t ever realise myself and that i’m not detaching correctly

can i revise a breakup and wipe my memory that i ever revised it? part 1

can i revise a breakup and wipe my memory that i ever revised it? part 2 (+ healing)

recently i think of things and then they show up instantly — how come?

how come when i think about what i want to experience, i see it happen for others and not me?

i don’t know what i want, and self realisation seems like such a tedious process

how do you actually start this process? i don’t feel anything when i apply

i keep putting off self realisation because i’m scared of my life disappearing

why do i choose wanting and daydreaming over realising self and going all the way?

how do i ignore the brain when i’m addicted to daydreaming?

how is everyone me? and how can i use that knowledge to change/revise other people’s lives?

i feel like i’m gaslighting myself when i try to apply

my life is so busy, i can’t help getting involved in it

i over consumed but haven’t experienced it for myself

i failed at manifesting with LOA but i want my desires too bad to focus on self — is there a third option?

how do you deal with loneliness?

my brain is telling me that what i want is impossible

how do you deal with impatience?

i seriously struggle with not identifying

should i go back in time or just revise everything? part 1

should i go back in time or just revise everything? part 2

i fear if i’m no longer attached to this character and her desires, i will no longer care to materialise her desires

i’m still trying to accept that this is not about having a better experience

what is life like without the desire, anxiety, attachment, depression, hopelessness and loneliness?

how can i tell if i’m still holding onto something? is it just feeling indifferent? what if i feel neutral but the physical still isn’t changing

i want to change my appearance and i really don’t know how to let this go

more about antidepressants

i only struggle letting go of this one specific thing (depression)

would you say you’re self realised?

is it ok for the character to daydream if i don’t identify with her?

what does "be aware of being aware" mean?

have you ever experienced limerence?

ada’s scale of emotions

how do i observe thoughts without getting carried away by them? i don’t feel like the observer

i’m afraid that by observing thoughts they’ll come true. why do they say thoughts aren’t mine?

does observing thoughts calm them down?

i have difficult circumstances and self realisation is stressing me out. what’s the point in this if i can’t change anything?

my annotations of my favourite book

my posts:

4dbarbie gpt questions

don’t wait. create a world. stand alone

turn inward and be independent

lovely ada 💕

everything you can imagine is real

you wake up at the rate you wake up

drop all thoughts

pick a teacher and act

it’s all right now

get off tumblr

you btw

act, apply, be

die to the past and in the morning wake up as a new man

no more questions

my favourite book <3

self knowledge is self evident

desirelessness is the highest state

don’t be too lazy to think

conversations with kelly 💜:

part 1 | part 2

hi! :p

kelly recently made a good post about practical applications. you can find lots more if you search through her blog, but it’s not necessary, all you need is whatever resonates.

you definitely don’t need to "do" something about every thought/feeling. methods are not required at all. nothing is truly required, You are already That and there is nothing that can be done or undone to become or un-become It. the point of self realisation is not to be Self but rather to remember that you are always It, that It is every-thing and every-thing is (a form of) It, including who ‘you’ think you are. the idea is to stay with this Knowledge until you have eliminated the suffering born out of thinking you are a person. until it is known irreversibly and steadily.

it becomes easier as you go along. i have used the untangling of a ball of string analogy before; you begin all tightly wound up, so deeply entangled in the belief that you are this person that you cannot possibly see a way out, and you’re slowly pulling at this knotted ball, feeling and looking and seeming like you’re getting nowhere at all and it’s all just one big impossible mess… until suddenly something gives and things feel a smidge lighter and you start to understand what’s being talked about… until you forget again, you get lost back in the dream, you have a bad day and it all starts seeming real and scary, you reach another knot and it feels like you’re back at square 1 untangling again… and it carries on this way a while, feeling breathtakingly free one minute and then suffocatingly stuck the next… but all the while the knot is shrinking… until it unravels for good, and reality is staring you in the face, one single connected thread.

whatever helps you stay with the Knowledge of your Being, be it self inquiry or meditation or breath work or simply surrendering to the events of the day, is whatever is right for you. there isn’t a one-size-fits-all. if whatever is done, is done with the intention of realising self, you’re on the right track.

if you ever get confused or feel stuck, ask yourself these questions:

1. what would feel good right now?

2. what would feel like the most loving thing right now?

3. what would i do (mentally) if i were already free? already perfect?

people often come to this information with lots of worries about their life… and then they intellectualise the information and rather than drop their worries, their worries change… now they’re worried about whether they’re ""doing it right"", whether they’re meditating enough, whether they’re self inquiring properly, etc…

don’t trade your worries, actually give up the act of worrying altogether. stop worrying. "i can’t stop!!!-" stop worrying about stopping worrying. you had a bad day… you had a breakdown… you felt very human and the world felt very real… ok!!!!! it literally truly doesn’t matter. none of these events exist anywhere but your mind. you don’t have to hold onto them!!! ok, it happened, who cares!!!! body not real, mind not real, world not real. it’s ok. breathe. let it go. can’t let it go? ok!!!!! let it stay. let the worries consume you until you collapse in an exhausted heap on your bed. cry it out, scream into your pillow, metaphorically tear your hair out. let it all happen, learn to not care about the fact that you care. my favourite advice from sophie: so what???

in essence: do what feels good for you in each moment. and for the love of god!!!!… close tumblr for a bit… actually try out what is being said… and don’t be so quick to authorise every online entity who happens to have a platform… as someone who happens to have a platform myself… there are zero qualifications required to own a blog and to speak on any given topic… be discerning, i would say borderline distrustful, about what you read and from whom… 99% of the posts i saw last time i looked under the """non dualism""" tag were not non dual at all. this space is far more saturated now than it used to be 3 years ago when i was learning😵‍💫. so use your intuition and listen to your heart!!!! it becomes a lot clearer as you go along who/what is said from experience. a lot of people are still trying to figure ‘this’ all out, and they use their blog as a sort of ‘public diary’ in order to do so, and that’s ok!!!!, zero judgement here, but don’t treat anyone’s words (mine and the words of the blogs i recommend included!!!!) as the final say. you are the final say. be your own testimony. experiment for yourselves!!!!!!!!!!!!!

methods are for you. they should feel pleasant overall! perhaps uncomfortable (as in scary) at times, yes… you have to step out of your mind’s habitual comfort zone to experience something different… but it shouldn’t feel like a chore or like you’re trying to pass a test. i remember lester levenson talking about how he went back through all his relationships and basically released the negative emotions/expectations tied to each experience and turned his need for love into him being unconditionally loving… well that’s great and it sounds lovely but when i tried it myself it just didn’t feel right after a while🤷… frankly it felt boring and tedious… like i was robotically following step by step what someone else did simply in the hopes that it would wield the same results, no different than affirming on a loop or playing subliminals all day and night… so i gave it up. not everything that everyone shares will be meant for you, and that’s ok.

i think this sums up what i’m trying to get at pretty well.

also, from ada: controlling your thoughts is not the way.

the blog stays,

only you must absolutely promise to always be brave.

and if ever you can’t be brave you must promise to never give up.

and if ever you do give up you must promise to never let it be for good.

I would love to know how to overcome minds fears? Even when I told myself I am beyond my mind o can’t stop comparing myself to others and create fear when I know I’m the only creator ?

I know most of your teaching are towards the self but it’s like a lose the sense of my Self since I tried every teaching from people. I used to be really bold about the things that I want for me, really detached and convinced that if I want something, I will have it. But since few years, for a boy (that I assumed in the beginning that I’m not enough for him) I did everything in order to have it. Multiples texts, multiples calls. No success. 5 years later? Still counting and wishing I will have it. Yet thinking about him with a another. When in reality, I just want to be free. To don’t care anymore. But I’m sacred that if I don’t care anymore, I will never have him. Like he’s existing outside of myself when it’s not the case. Then I assumed he’s dating girl which are prettier than me. I create everything and I’m sick of that. I just want your pov. If you’re answering, thank you a lot. And even if not, thank you so much to had spent time on this platform. I wish you love, and peace of mind.

hi!

your ask reads very similar to this one. if that wasn’t you, perhaps reading my answer will help you.

this is a classic case of the sunk cost fallacy combined with belief perseverance. you’ve spent 5 years of your life trying to be with him, and now you’re terrified to stop trying because, to you, surrendering = admitting it was all a waste of time and you achieved nothing. so you dig your heels in deeper and try harder. even when you have been shown, time and time again, that this way of living offers very little reward and provides next to no happiness.

if i can’t appeal to your emotion, i’ll at least try to appeal to your logic: if 5 years of this has produced nothing, what do you think another 5 years is gonna do? why is that not enough for you to give it up? you’re scared that surrendering will mean you won’t have him, but you’ve clung to the idea of him for half a decade and you still don’t have him. so what are your options? continue doing the exact same thing with the guarantee that nothing of significance will change, or take a chance and finally do something different?

i want to be gentle when i say this because i understand that you have feelings for this person but, speaking to you the way i would any of my girlfriends… he’s just a boy. the world is full of them, they’re not going out of stock anytime soon. i absolutely promise you that neither this guy, nor any guy, nor any human being for that matter, is worth you centring years of your precious life around.

i also want to be very clear about something regarding the nature of awareness:

Self is not in any way related to the body/mind. the character is just a costume, it has no independent power. a coat doesn’t put the person on, the person puts the coat on. similarly, the person is not being Self but rather Self is being (appearing as) the person.

this person (‘you’) is equal to all other persons, they are all cogs in a dream. she has no real free will or say so. that’s why she has wished for someone for 5 years and to no avail. that’s also why someone else cannot wish for her and, by doing so, ‘mind control’ or brainwash her into wanting them. it would be problematic, for obvious reasons, if there was one person with a higher power who could overrule all other people. it does not work this way. Self is all people, all things, the entire universe. that’s also why it’s silly to compare oneself to others, either in a self-deprecating (inferiority complex) or self-important (superiority complex) way.

by creating a ‘me’ and ‘mine’ you create a ‘them’ and ‘theirs’. give up the idea of ‘me’ and ‘mine’ altogether. dissolve the separation amongst ‘you’ and all that you perceive. see the oneness in everything. All is Brahman. you give up nothing by doing this, no power is relinquished, instead you gain everything, you become everything. there is no one you can truly call your enemy, nor is there any thing you can truly say you do not have, when you know that You are the All.

Real freedom and real love only emerge when you're not identified with a transient ego. As long as you think you are Laura alone, you're going to want to work to make Laura happy, you're going to always want to put Laura first, satisfy her wants and needs above all others.

most people, yourself included, aren’t actually asking me a "how to self realise" question because if you’ve read even 5% of this blog or any of the blogs i follow, then you already know how to. what you’re actually asking me is "what do i do about the fact that i want to self-realise BUT i want this other thing (in your case, a person) more?"

and for that, i have no one size fits all answer. i cannot make you want yourSelf. self realisation is for you, not me. it makes no difference to my life whether you apply what i say. but if you cannot do it for yourself, what hope have i got in saying anything that will stir you? i am telling you in no uncertain terms that everything in the universe is Yours, that you are bound by absolutely nothing, that the peace and bliss of self-realisation is insurmountable, and yet you still think there is some greater, more worthwhile happiness waiting for you in the arms of a boy.

You have never been, nor shall ever be, a person. Refuse to consider yourself as one. But as long as you do not even doubt yourself to be Mr. So-and-so, there is little hope. When you refuse to open your eyes, what can you be shown? — Nisargadatta Maharaj

and again, i’ve already said it a million times: i’m not saying that you cannot have what you want, be it a relationship or anything else. i am saying that You already do!!!!!!! but that statement means nada to you right now and it will continue to until you realise who ""You"" is!!!!!! this is not a Knowing that you brainwash or reprogram or affirm your brain into believing… all that achieves is burnout and headaches and delusional thinking… there is zero convincing involved!!!!! simply let go let go let go.

BE BRAVE ENOUGH TO GIVE IT ALL UP OR COMMIT YOURSELF TO A LIFE OF BEING SMALL. 👐

personally i think you deserve a hell of a lot more than a life of being small and begging to be loved. You are Life and Love itself. i hope you come to see that too.

according to google,

wallow = to remain helplessly immersed in a negative emotional state, such as self-pity, without trying to change it.

release = to set free, let go.

that is the difference between them. they are opposites.

you wallow when you know no better.

now that you know better, why wallow? why not release? the feelings aren’t pleasant so what’s the use in holding onto them when you legitimately don’t have to?

ok, the feelings are there. so what? breathe about it. shrug it off. inquire until you see through it. close your eyes and meditate. remember "i am". whatever, it doesn’t matter, the point is knowing they’re not you or your truth so they’re fine. utterly totally fine. leave them be.

i say it all the time: at ALL times you are either holding on or letting go. and that choice is always entirely your own.

——————————————

for even further clarification,

letting go ≠ immediately getting rid of.

it is !!!PERFECTLY OKAY AND NORMAL!!!

especially at the start of this ‘practice’

for the thoughts/feelings to linger even after ‘letting go’.

it is perfectly ok to spiral sometimes

or cry sometimes or rage sometimes.

it is perfectly ok to meditate and still feel yuck.

the thoughts/feelings dissolving will happen on its own.

letting go is to practice recognising them as not you/yours/real

you’re never ever EVER trying to make anything go away

NEVER EVERRRRR!!!!1!1!1!1

a simple rule to remember is:

if you could make it go away/be not aware of it right now,

you would already and there would be no thought of it, you wouldn’t even be asking or thinking about it because it simply wouldn’t BE, it wouldn’t exist.

so if you can’t make it go away instantly,

if unpleasant thoughts/feelings/circumstances are appearing,

your ONLY option is to LET THEM BE!!!!! surrender your sense of doership!!!!

that is what letting go is, it’s not about making the thing stop but about deciding "ok, this can be here, but it isn’t me or mine".

lov you ( ˆ͈̑꒳ˆ͈̑ )੭♡

whenever i felt truly stuck about something, i used to just ask myself "what can i do about this?". sincerely assess your options. can you force the unpleasant feelings away? no. if you could, they’d be gone by now (and i mean gone for good, not just a momentary suppression) and you wouldn’t be here talking to me. so what can you do about it?

can you let it go? can you starve it of attention and validation? can you move on? if you can, do it.

if you can’t, if moving on doesn’t feel natural, if it feels like forcing an outcome or doing something to get something, go the other way. give it your attention. inquire into it. ask why you feel sad and hopeless. ask who feels sad and hopeless. can you find the "i" you claim to feel these things on behalf of?

if all of the above sounds exhausting and confusing and your mind is frazzled, just drop it all. surrender. let go and let god. give in. vent about it, journal about it, cry about it, breathe through it, meditate on it. do whatever will cause you the least long term stress and heartache: run a bathe, watch a film, eat something you like. if you have a hectic schedule ahead, break tasks down into small little ‘to-do’s and reward yourself after each one. do whatever feels best in each and every given moment, spiritual and non-spiritual.

i can’t give a one size fits all approach because there is no single particular way. there are endless resources to be found. kelly has a very helpful releasing tag full of posts you can scroll through if there’s particular thoughts or emotions that you’re struggling with. i’m not sure what exactly will be right for you, that’s for your own discernment and judgement and intuition to decide.

i can only offer you the comfort that anything done with the intention of seeing yourSelf will bring you there. be earnest and trust that you’re right where you’re meant to be. you can never ever be away from yourSelf, you can only have a mind/thoughts that make it seem that way.

oh, also, i’ve said it 5 billion times already but the tantric/vedantic approach video helped me a lot, perhaps check that out too.

I don’t know if you will take time to answer this ask, but if you do : thank you so much for your time and your point of view.

This journey has been… crazy for my part. I got so many things, and before knowing anything about law of attraction, assumption and non duality, I used to thought that I am power. That my only voice count and that I’m not under any obligation. I used to be, if I want it, I will have it. That’s it. But since few years, I felt completely stuck in on side: love. I got many sp, I create fear and rejection then and from it, I’m stucked. I’m so sorry if it sounds like manifestation but I met a guy one day, back on the day I was super happy, cherishing life and let thing. Live from love, and radiate love for myself and my soul. That guy I created fear and rejection and that’s exactly what happened. From this moment, I felt rejection, doubt, compared myself to the soul in my dream, said that I’m not enough nor the first one who deserves love. Created fear from the love I wish to have and wish. Spent day discovering that I’m power, love, and that this guy already loves me. Read again and again all posts about realisation and love (relationships) from both ada and Soph. I want to realise self but also, don’t know how to let go about this person. Wishing all the time that we will meet and connect, becoming obsessed abt him. But still don’t know how to let go. How to seeing me already with me. Don’t believe and the now and just let things be. Still want to make the first move. And I failed. Tried many times to sent him a ask for a date. I felt dumb, and stupid. Just a girl who don’t deserve this.

Im sorry to come with that, but im literally confused about everything and I want to know what you will think about that. Thank you again if you just take this time for answering. That means a lot to me.

Je suis ravie de voir que tu vis une vie merveilleuse en France. Je suis une parisienne qui te donne beaucoup d’amour, et qui te souhaite tout ce qu’il y a de plus beau dans cette belle expérience qui est ton rêve. Prends soin de toi

coucou!

i’ll respond partially from a self realisation perspective and partially from a self love big sister pov : )

your infatuation with this person has nothing to do with him and everything to do with you. he is just a symbol.

it’s less about loving him, and more about feeling like you need him to love you because of what you think being wanted by him represents.

when you fuse yourself so inextricably with the character that you believe it to be you, their life = your whole world. everything feels personal and vulnerable and fragile. you are so intent on acting in the interest of who you think you are, constantly anxious to survive and increase, because you think you are bound to this life indefinitely. naturally you’ll want to protect it and make it the best it can be when you believe that it’s all you’ve got.

the trouble with placing your happiness in externals is that you take the vast and expansive joy of your Being and you squeeze it to fit a very small and limited thing. you are deciding that having this thing/person will be the source of your happiness and peace, thus sentencing yourself to a state of discontent for as long as you don’t have it. it’s not about the boy but about what being ‘chosen’ by him means to you; validation, safety, security, acceptance, love, joy.

but having that desire, be it a relationship or anything else, is not the picture-perfect, endless-dopamine-hit fairytale you’re imagining it to be. i know it feels like "if i could just have this one thing, everything would be perfect, i could do anything then" but that just isn’t true. even if he suddenly reciprocated your feelings, the anxiety and obsession wouldn’t cease, they’d simply morph — now instead of obsessing over being with him, you’d obsess over staying with him and keeping the affection from him that you had to work so hard to attain in the first place. the fear doesn’t resolve, it just changes shape into jealousy and insecurity and fear of abandonment, because the root of your apparent troubles — mistaking yourSelf to be the person — has not been addressed.

i know firsthand because, before i came to this knowledge, i was in a highly volatile and toxic relationship for 4ish years on and off. on the surface, he ticked a lot of the boxes of what i thought i wanted from a partner: affectionate, romantic, attractive, confident, talented, even a popular musician at the time. i thought being with him would make me happy and release me of my insecurities, but it didn’t, in fact it exacerbated them. even with the dates and gifts and compliments and love songs he wrote about me, i couldn’t shake the feeling that "this could all be taken from me, he could meet someone else and change his mind any moment". i was always riddled deep down with anxiety and distrust. and the harder i strived to be perfect for him in order to "keep" his love, the deeper i entrenched myself in my own fears and paranoia, and the further i lost myself in codependency.

point is: he wasn’t the cure for my happiness. no one is. no amount of approval from someone else will sustain or fulfil you. there is a very pertinent saying that "if outside validation is your only source of nourishment, you will hunger for the rest of your life". who You are needs no cure, You are the very happiness and love that you seek. You are Your own sustenance, Your very nature is perfect and unmarred. even the character, however imperfect you think her to be, doesn’t need to be fixed. and it is cruel to try to make her be anything other than what she is, and to punish her when she fails. as ada so rightly put it, she’s doing the best that she can. don’t berate or belittle her. be kind and soft to her, learn to love her and accept her fully.

this isn’t really related to self realisation (although learning to let go of self loathing towards the character helps you to see that they are just a harmless illusion!) but on the days when loving myself felt hardest, i used to imagine myself comforting my ‘inner child’. i’d lay/sit down and close my eyes and imagine little me (like, 4 year old me) coming over to adult me for comfort. i’d imagine her crawling into my lap and i’d wrap my arms around myself as if i was hugging her. i’d imagine stroking her curls and kissing her forehead and holding her close to me and i’d tell her everything that adult me needed so desperately to hear. i’d tell her she was safe, she was loved, that i was there for her, i’d protect her, she’d be ok. i virtually always cried when i did this, but in a soothing/healing kind of way. the goal in doing this is nothing more than to bridge the gap between that little girl and the woman that you are now, it is simply an exercise in releasing and self love. because if she can be loved by you, you can be loved by you.

(and to clarify, this is not at all me saying that romantic love is bad or wrong or that you won’t/can’t have it, i love love and i wish it on everyone!!!, but rather that it is a tiny granule of the Love that You are).

seeing into the character allows you to see through the character. you realise, upon loving introspection, that all this person is is a bundle of memories and ideas and thoughts and feelings. and that these memories and ideas are mere mental activity that can be lovingly let go of and put to rest. they are harmless and empty and only sustained by you taking them to be real.

"But still don’t know how to let go"

you said you’ve read from ada and sophie (and presumably me) so you definitely do know how to let go, you just don’t want to. you don’t want to stop, you want to "get things" in the world. you’re reluctant to implement what you’ve read because realising your Self is not truly the object of your desire, he is. until your priorities change, my words will fall flat. the mind has habits, this is true of everyone pre-realisation. check what you spent yesterday thinking about and you’ll find it differs very little from your thoughts of today. even if the contents of the thoughts change, your idea of what the thoughts are in relation to you doesn’t — you treat them as a fixed truth, as a testament of who you are, as your problem to solve or your worry to ruminate over. so how can anything else ever be the case when you won’t let it? the problem continues to appear because that’s all you ever allow. it’s up to you alone to break the habit. if you’re saying you can’t or you won’t, then who can and who will? if you refuse to do something differently, then what are you saying is the alternative? to simply condemn yourself to this misery forever? who says it must be that way? who is the one saying "i can’t let go"? is it not you? so then is it not up to you to think differently, not by forcing the thoughts away but by refusing attention? sophie said it best:

If you don't even accept that you have the power to disbelieve/distrust something – how are you going to change the world? If you're always under the influence of doubts, thoughts, brain – how are you going to raise above it? You always let something control you and nothing has any effect on you you don't let have. Never.

here are a few posts by kelly that are relevant:

never give up on your Self

do it for Love

whatever externals you credit to giving you "happiness" has the same power to cause you "suffering"

and finally,

one of my favourite nisargadatta quotes to conclude:

You are perfect, only you don't know it. Learn to know yourself and you will discover wonders. All you need is already within you, only you must approach your self with reverence and love. Self-condemnation and self-distrust are grievous errors. Your constant flight from pain and search for pleasure is a sign of love you bear for your self, all I plead with you is this: make love of your self perfect. Deny yourself nothing — glue your self infinity and eternity and discover that you do not need them; you are beyond.

showing this to my tattoo artist friend so he can ink it onto my forehead forever………

what a beautifully thought out compliment, wow. thank you for being so gorgeous and lovely and kind to me. 🥹

i’m glad the sentiment of my writing hasn’t been lost amongst what is probably a million typos hehe🙂‍↕️

now i’m so curious to know about the romance books you’ve read!! i hope you turn them all into worlds to be experienced. i will die on the hill that everything is romantic… everything is about love… cue the fallinloveagainandagain song

hi angel <3

i’m super duper proud of you for coming to the realisation that you have! you’re exactly right, and you worded it flawlessly. i have nothing to add 🎯.

you all have yourselves to thank for figuring it out and for making it this far. i’ve simply had the privilege of being witness to it.

our separation is purely imagined, you and i are already One. i’m always exactly where You think me to be. 🫂

i probably follow you on like three accounts lmao (purging my following page and algorithm). your answer back then really helped me and your content still helps me now. i still feel like i have a long way on my journey, and i often still feel strong despair and hopelessness.

your posts about anti-depressants also helped me, i think i will go on them soon.

you’re a very kind person, you helped me a lot and i really wish the best for you in life. i’m a bit sad to see you go 💔 but i know it’d for the best

you’re adorable :’) i love you for loving yourSelf enough to not give up.

everything you do with the intention of seeing yourSelf is of the greatest value. nothing is useless or unsuccessful, the point of everything you do now will make itself abundantly clear to you in due course. in the meantime, do what you can, as earnestly as you’re able to. that’s all that’s asked of you. i used to think i had to act perfectly all of the time, and that if i ever fell back into my old thinking habits, i would have somehow ruined my ""progress"". know that this isn’t the case. your "growth" is already exponential, you have already come so far. when a seed is planted in soil, it first grows down, deeper into the soil, away from the light. on the surface, it doesn’t seem that much is happening at all. but these roots are essential for the plant’s foundation, they are what allow it to eventually spring up and blossom. trust that the groundwork you have established thus far has not been in vain. reality will become self evident to you. there is no such thing as failure.

i know life can be difficult, but the mountains are there to prove that you can move them.

& i’m glad you resonate with my posts about antidepressants! i didn’t really see mental health being spoken about in a meaningful way in this space (beyond being told "it’s not you"), and it led me to feel a lot of shame personally. all i saw was people experiencing bliss and peace within days or weeks of discovering this information, meanwhile my life and mental state was getting worse after months. i felt as if i was the one person in the universe that this just wasn’t meant for. even after receiving my mental health diagnosis, i was scared that i’d never get to a place where i could be happy without pills. the couple of times i’d stopped taking my medication abruptly, which my doctor had specifically warned me not to do, i experienced rebound depression so intense that it put me in a worse mental condition than before. to go from needing an urgent mental health assessment because i was deemed too much of a risk to myself to be living alone unmedicated… to then being diagnosed and medicated… to then experiencing intense withdrawals anytime i went more than a week without my medication… to then one day forgetting to take my medication altogether because i was sincerely at so much peace being mySelf that it didn’t even cross my mind… to not experiencing a single symptom or withdrawal thereafter and never needing those pills ever again… it really showed me that a) nothing can prevent your self realisation if you don’t want it to, and b) everything unfolds perfectly at exactly the rate that it’s meant to. the tools that you ‘require’, be it a book or a guru or even antidepressants, will appear when they are needed and disappear when they’re not. trust in yourSelf and have no fear. 🫂 : )

no one with any sense in this space would tell you, if you were experiencing undiagnosed physical pain, to not see a medical professional simply because You are not the body. your mental health is no different. for as long as the body (including the brain) is appearing, in whatever conditions it is appearing under, the most self-loving thing you can do is take care of it in whatever way you’re able to, whether that’s seeing a doctor, getting medication, going to therapy, leaving a toxic relationship or even day to day things like running a bubble bath, watching a comfort movie and eating your favourite food. i think it was sophie who said to ask yourself in each moment "what is the most loving thing i can do right now?" and go in that direction, which is such beautiful advice. you’re going to get there all the same, why not make the process as smooth and comfortable and enjoyable as you can?

i'm thinking, the best way may just be to surrender to it. self inquiry as well - what do you think blu? :-)

yes, self inquiry and surrendering are great suggestions! anything that facilitates the Knowing that You are not what You are conscious of will get you there. continually remember that whatever happens, happens because I AM.

from ada:

I know there are obligations, but start asking yourself questions until you stop believing in anything but your being, after all, that is the only thing you know for certain.

this thought experiment that she proposed might help you too:

Start doubting you'll wake up as Vanessa tomorrow. Not to get it, but consider it actually… "What if… I wake up tomorrow and I realize an entire life has been just a dream?! Equal to the one I dreamt last night?!"

What if you wake up and realize it all was a nightmare that you THOUGHT went on for years and it's just been a few hours... even get scared and terrified about that thought. Better than getting scared about non-reality.

"WHAT IN THE WORLD?! That never was... but I felt it so real, I swear I was her?!" Yet here you are, awake, and the dream never was.

the reason for feeling like you’re either "enduring" something unpleasant or "waiting" for something more pleasant in its stead, is because:

1) you think it’s happening *to you*

2) you think it’s permanent/immovable/indefinite

for the first -> do you care about blu’s circumstances? do you worry about her problems? if i tell you i have an event tomorrow that i don’t want to attend, do you give it the same importance? no, you simply acknowledge it and move on because you know it not to be you/yours.

for the second -> would your problems and obligations still bother you if you knew they’d all be gone by tomorrow? if a wizard appeared with a crystal ball and showed you that you’d be waking up in 24 hours to a brand new ‘better’ life, would you move through the rest of today in ‘this’ life with the same worry? really think on it, imagine for a moment that this is the case… do you notice your attitude change at all towards the events of today? perhaps you have an upcoming appointment or exam or work meeting, or even just a general everyday discontent for this life’s circumstances… but suddenly none of it matters so much, and it’s not so heavy, and you can move through the following events with ease and peace, because you know that it’s all temporary and transient.

the solution -> eliminate the sense of a person moving through time.

those are the two ideas to be let go of.

if there’s no such thing as past and future, what exactly are you enduring? seriously, give up the concept of anything happening outside of this very moment here and now… and where is your worry? where are your obligations? in the next five seconds you fall totally into an abyss… the world around you collapses… with it goes the sense of self, the idea that you are an "i" with a life… the future is turned to dust, there’s nothing there… what could there be to endure? who could be there to endure it? how can you be sure that won’t happen? how can you be sure the future won’t just cease to exist? because it hasn’t in the past? but what is your reference for the past besides your own memories? how can you trust them, how do you know they’re real? it feels like you lived yesterday, just as that girl who woke from a 3 week coma felt she had lived a life for seven years, but how can you know? if you were making a dream to lose yourSelf in, would this not be the most perfectly convincing one?

all hinges on your belief that there was a solid past, and will be a solid future, each with an existence outside of your mind. but there’s not. you cannot show me either without thinking. they are produced entirely by the mind.

and this "i" that you say is enduring… where is it? is it a thought? how can "i" be a thought? even when "i" am not enduring, "i" still am. so without the sense of ‘endurance’, without the labels, without the qualifiers, what am "i"? when the thought of endurance goes away, "i" don’t go with it. new thoughts come, but "i" don’t arrive with them. "i" am, before and after/with and without thought, so what am "i"? is "i" a body? how can "i" be a body, when it’s this same "i" that dreams up entire universes in the sleep state without any awareness of the body at all? "i" can be a brand new body in a night dream… the body of logan lerman or doja cat or a literal cat or any body at all… "i" can astral project and leave the body completely… and yet the "i" still is, always. how can "i" be a body when this body can lose an arm, a leg, even have a heart transplant and the "i" does not change or decrease or lose itself?

i asked myself if i were to have [insert desire] what am i actually looking for? what feeling?? and i remember reading somewhere that feelings are just thought + sensation. so it would be the erasure of the thought? is this why ada and lester encouraged letting go of feelings? because basically every experience is just a blank canvas. i hope what im asking makes sense Lol.. but when the mind says “i want xyz” is it a declaration that its not it or that it just is uncomfortable with the thought “i am not enough unless i have this” ? hope i worded this right, much love on your dream blu thx for everything!

hi. i wrote a lot, i’m not sure why, but maybe it’ll help someone

i can’t remember if i’ve shared this before, but it’s a sweet quote by nisargadatta and your ask is a good opportunity to use it:

you’re seeking yourSelf under the guise of a person lacking (and therefore desiring) xyz. the xyz isn’t what you want, it’s the eternal happiness and freedom of being in your inherent natural state that you crave.

the thought + sensation explanation might be from this rupert spira video? i’ve recommended it in the past, it’s well worth the watch. in brief, the vedantic approach is to investigate the "i" who is claiming ownership of the negative feeling… it’s about turning away from the emotion and instead examining the illusory sense of self (the "thought"). whereas the tantric approach is to turn toward the emotion and embrace it… it’s about fully feeling the physical symptoms in the body and realising they are harmless/neutral, until they dissolve altogether (the "sensation").

and yes, to be without thought is to be in perfection. without thinking, where are your problems? without thinking, where is your lack? as ada said, what need do you have for thinking at all if everything's perfect? but thoughts themselves aren’t the problem, and i don’t want you to think (lol) that they are. it’s only your identification with the thoughts that binds you and causes you to suffer. besides, you cannot force the thinking to stop, your only option is to recognise its harmlessness and let it be. the useless mind chatter dissolves on its own. 💆

there’s nothing to overcomplicate about desires. you want based on who you think you are and what you think you lack. You are the All, the sum total of the universe, but You are thinking yourSelf into this minute (the size, not the time), limited, mortal body. all bodies have limits, parameters, boundaries. and if you think that this body is ALL that you are, and if your understanding of a body is that it is a limited and largely unchanging thing, then you become confined to the limitations of that body. you forget your true nature, you take the character to be you, so much so that then you get depressed and fearful and look for a way out, and the way out is remembering that it isn’t you and never was. :)

you think you were born in X location to X parents with X siblings. you think you come from an X income family in an X class area. you think you have X coloured eyes and X coloured hair and you’ve grown to X height in an X body type. you have X features. you have X friends. you have an X personality type, with X talents and X hobbies. your prospects are X. and that’s just it, those are the cards you were dealt. the career you’ll one day secure, which will dictate the lifestyle of yourself and your partner and your future kids, will be based on the opportunities and connections you have available to you, which is based on the education you’ve had access to, which was based on the financial circumstances of your caregivers, which was based on the financial circumstances of their caregivers, which was based on… you get the point. when you actually zoom out and look at your life and how much "free will" you’ve truly got, you come to realise that 99% of your life was apparently dictated before you ever came about, by the circumstances of people born generations before you whom you never even met. you were born, or so you’re told, although you can’t actually remember it - you may as well not have even been there when it happened! - into this unfair world, and this is simply the unfair future written for you. you can fantasise vicariously about the life you could’ve had, had you been born under different circumstances, through pinterest boards and books and movies and TV screens… but that’s as far as it goes.🙅

releasing is a tool for people who feel too deeply entrenched in difficult circumstances or painful memories to directly experience what is being talked about. it’s no different than meditation or self inquiry. is it necessary for Self? no, nothing is. You already are. but we use, if and when it can be of benefit to those of us with which it resonates, illusory spiritual practices to eliminate the illusory ego.

what does it take for an unlimited being to realise they are an unlimited being? go all the way, right now. drop all identification in this instant. see it clearly. can you? if you could you wouldn’t have read this far. most can’t, i couldn’t. it takes practice. it takes spending time with yourSelf, asking questions about the ideas you’ve previously taken for granted, noticing the emotions and thoughts that pass you in the day without getting involved in them. time is never lost so there’s no need for urgency or desperation, the process is very beautiful and the one that’s in a hurry to get somewhere is the one to be investigated and dispelled anyway 🤷

the advice: study the prison you have built for yourself. ask yourself "what is stopping me from feeling free?" and seek to find out. confront your mind, question the thoughts that play on repeat… what is preventing you from knowing yourSelf? what do you refuse to let go of? what do you still believe strongly in? what makes you feel stuck? what makes you feel uncertain? what is holding you back? what worries you? what do you feel needy for? why? then release/sit with/inquire into whatever arises until you see plainly the falsity and transience of these stories, until their gravity and emotional grip has loosened. keep doing that until the need for investigation is over, until all other false ideas naturally and immediately crumble under the established, introspective light of Awareness.

and keep in mind that the very best question to ask yourself, is "who?". who feels stuck or uncertain or held back or worried or needy? who is this "i" that you feel these things on behalf of? who desires, who fears? who am "i"? what is the one unchanging quality of this "i"? what am i, without the senses, stories, labels, thoughts? working with the root is the beginning and end of all endeavour, like sophie mentions here.

just a heads up, asks like this get blocked.

i was around when both ada and sophie deactivated. never did it cross my mind to condemn their right to do as they please with their own social media, after all the help they gave. i understood that i needed to stand independently of all ego-soothing comforts and habits, and so i did.

in ada’s words:

Is anybody charging you for any services? People are doing their best to explain what they've gained on their own journey. At the end of the day, you have no idea at all what these people went through either. Maybe when expecting empathy try practicing it as well, because demanding answers from someone who owes you absolutely nothing, who is already doing what they can FOR NOTHING IN RETURN, is more than a lot of people in today's world can say for themselves, just look at you - getting mad at someone for not doing something in your own self interest.

I gave the advice to stick to one teacher multiple times, I even told everyone to just download the books and say 'fuck off' to bloggers. The fact that you can't seem to be doing this very small thing to help yourself is only showing YOU don't care enough about yourself, how can you expect a complete stranger to do it?

whether or not my blog stays up is not a meaningful measure of my morality, the attempt to guilt trip in that regard is futile. i’m an adult, with a life and mind of my own. i will always encourage people to be selfish and brazen as opposed to subservient and yielding. 🤷

RW’s teaching…

if your understanding is still none, as your impropriety suggests, that is no one’s obligation to resolve besides your own. if you don’t understand, maybe you’re not meant for this. maybe you need to come back to it years later, when you have better discernment and a more developed brain. regardless, biting the hand that feeds you is immature and a hindrance to no one but yourself.

take initiative and responsibility for your SELF realisation, like every other person before and after you has had to, myself included.

what about it is confusing you? those two statements are saying the same thing.

desires are born out of who you think you are.

oxana malaya wouldn’t have wanted the things that most "ordinary" children want, like to play with toys and watch cartoons and go to the park, because she was raised by dogs. her mind knew nothing of toys and cartoons and parks. her desires would’ve been to hunt/find food, to stay warm in harsh weather and to remain integrated with her pack, because that was all she knew.

without the person, who is there to want anything? and without the world, what is there to want?

dissolve the idea of being a person and you dissolve all your trouble (fears/desires).

if you realise that the entire universe exists within You, how can you possibly speak of things in it that you don’t have? do you see how ridiculous that is?

LOL why is this so real ☠️

i’m here for approx another week so there’s no rush