In Motion

Sometimes I wish I was a coffee person. One of those people that gets a new lease on life by inhaling the scent of coffee beans in the morning. Ngl it smells great. Though coffee and my brain just don't match. ….

Honestly I've been a little stuck lately. And by little I mean a complete standstill. The sqeakiest grinding halt in history. Or so it seems. I have figured out things I no longer want to do, but am not quite sure what I do want. And it feels like time is running out. For some odd reason it feels like I should know by now, after nearly 3 decades on this planet, what it is that I want to pursue and what will make me financially independent.

I've already read the final words of this chapter I'm in and am (desperately) eager to start the next, but as I'm turning the page I got a papercut and as I'm tending to the battlewound I misplaced the entire book, mid page turning. Yes the drama. I'm drifting in a strange limbo where one morning I wake up and am pinned to my matras as anxiety has sunken deep into my bones, weighing me down. Fast forward to the next morning where I'm unstoppable, with a restless urge to make something of my life and pursue the 100th new side hustle or passive income I've come across on tiktok. And then I get hit by the 'why'. Annoyingly so I just can't seem to commit to a job or anything that isn't meaningful, serves the greater good or has some intrinsic value to it.

And I want to honour my inner child, finally. I really do. And not over exhaust her by committing to longterm plans that will guarantee (financial) stability while I'm not sure if they are really for me. I still am quite ashamed for not having figured out this part.

I realised I was ashamed for so many things that I just actively would keep myself hidden. For the longest time. And now I'm here. Trying to just be. And honour my inner Tumblr girl by sharing my thoughts online and learning as I go. Trying to untangle the shame and limiting beliefs.

But what I would really want? I suppose freedom to express, exchange creativity and have inspiring conversations with like-minded, passionate creatives. A place of my own, a little dog, travel, To write poetry, and songs. Exchange my million ideas and creative vomits in communities that match my infinite energy for creating. But how? This I don't know(yet).

@bloomwithaurealia ig

on healing