Logaan

It all started when I…

I’ve failed more times than not.

Most of my hopes and dreams have never come to be.

I’ve envisioned an unrealistic future time and time again.

I’ve been lost my entire life.

I’m not the most successful person.

I’ve invested precious time and energy into so many wrong things and people.

False hope has been a recurrent downfall of mine.

I haven’t been the most perfect person in many ways.

I haven’t made the best decisions.

I have countless regrets.

I’ve told lies.

I’ve let people down.

I’ve rarely, if any, lived up to the expectations of people.

I haven’t always been the most reliable.

I don’t communicate the best.

I’m not always in a good mood.

I’m not always positive, happy, or smiling.

I don’t always give the best advice.

I have never been that girl that was good enough.

I haven’t experienced a true, successful relationship; all three of my relationships were a failure.

Sometimes I feel like I’m failing at being a good mother.

I haven’t landed a promising career yet.

I’m not financially stable.

I don’t eat the healthiest.

I don’t always take care of my health like I should.

I’m not that tall, beautiful super model.

I don’t have huge breast or the fattest ass.

My hair sucks.

I have a gap in my two front teeth.

I get overwhelmed a lot.

There are times I overreact over things I shouldn’t.

I always piss people off because I speak my mind and don’t sugarcoat the truth even if it’s harsh.

I am tired almost daily; I could sleep forever.

I haven’t figured out a fucking thing about life.

 Yes, I admit all the above.

I’ve never been one to not admit my wrongdoings.

I am human.

All of that is true, absolutely.

I fucking tried.

Over and over and over.

I’m 28, and you know what life has taught me?

People are mean and cruel.

You can barely land a job anymore without knowing someone, even if you are qualified and educated.

It’s all about what everyone else wants.

The lack of empathy is disheartening.

They do not give one fuck about you and what you got going on.

They do not care to forgive if they have been wronged.

They do not care to apologize if they did the wrongdoing.

They do not care if something negatively impacts you as long as it doesn’t affect them.

The world is made up of selfishness and hate.

Because despite all of my wrongdoings and not being the “best” human,

I have tried and still continue to try.

I have maintained who I am, and it’s something I hold dear.

I have always been nice and respectful to everyone.

I never make anyone feel lower than me.

I am good to people.

I admit if I do something wrong for the mere fact of love, respect, and forgiveness.

Isn’t that what life is all about?

Love is the biggest crock of shit.

I take love seriously, as it should be taken.

I thought everyone did, but that isn’t the case.

Isn’t love the ultimate goal?

Yet, people are left alone, hurt, and broken over reasons that question if you were ever loved at all.

People can’t possibly leave a person they love over petty, small shit that could be figured out.

No person will easily walk out of a person’s life for any reason, even if it was a serious reason, if they love them.

You fight like hell, and you stay no matter what when you love someone, no matter how serious the problem.

That, to me, is love.

It’s crazy I haven’t experienced true love, especially when I have so much to give.

I have so much to give in life period, but my fire is put out every time it’s lit.

And I’m through complaining.

I have reached a point in my life where I accept it all.

I accept this is how life really is, and that I need to stop with the false hope and unrealistic reality.

I just need to stop.

 Obviously, I’m one of the many people who was born into a shit life and has lived a life full of… well, shit.

Doesn’t matter how good you live and treat people; the outcome never changes.

I accepted this a long time ago, but that doesn’t mean I still don’t struggle and suffer daily because quite frankly, that’s all I seem to do.

I may never get to experience the “good” life brings.

Nor true love or true happiness.

I will never get the answer to all this madness.

All of the suffering and pain some people have to live with.

It’s something I will not understand until the day I die.

At this point, all I can do is shower my children with love and do everything I can to set them up for a promising life.