My pronouns are God/Bless/America

My 43 year old son just attempted the "eat 5 cans of dog food and shit in your sink challenge". Literally anything but getting a job and leaving me alone.

You're going to have to tie me down and surgically attach extra ribs if you're tired of seeing me suck my own dick.

God pulled over at a sobriety checkpoint and blew a Bristol Stool Chart 7. Can't pay alimony from jail lmoa. My hog faced ex wife can get bent.

Kitten, come back. I'm sorry for mansplaining the Arctic Monkeys last night.

My lush died not even 10 minutes into my lunch at The Roadhouse and now I'm just here sitting with straight up stuff in me . Halfway into the saddest rack of ribs with a cold ass half wiped, I could die right now and couldn't be happier. Fuck you for suggesting this.

My body is a machine that turns 20 beers into my hog faced wife wanting a divorce.

No pride this month, just a dude named Pants.

If the woke left had their way, his name would be Pronouns O'Toole.

Bitch wife is out of town. Any hot gash wanna come over and bounce on daddy's throbbing uncut pork loin.