What’s life like

it bursts into bleakness

it drips from my skin

and swallows me into the abyss

since i was young

the questions could never be answered

why do we keep on going

i can’t take this darkness

the surface seems to drift away the more I reach

stepping forward is upside down

I’m sinking into the ground

and seek refugee in my sleep

I fill on my time with all I get

So I can get this image out of my head

The blood

The neck

And the knife

Even if its just a self inflicted dissociation/derealization

That’s how I feel safe, thats how I feel like myself and that’s how I feel like I’m not lost

I found myself in escaping reality through my mind.

i was smoking everyday so, was i high actually throughout the whole day?

was this why life was so hard, going through “withdrawal”?

i can take 7 fucking pills on the whole day, but nothing will make me happier than a fucking joint

now i remember why this shit is so adictive

i literally spent 2h without suffering wtf

didnt even know this was possible

now i know how i got through last year

fuck

lifes so fucked up

I never felt this before

I try to convice myself it doesn’t matter

But I can’t help to feel

I cant understand how i fell desperately in love with you

Because that’s not me

I don’t fall for men

I don’t suffer for men

Yet here I am

Suffering

I try to understand how it got to this point

If it’s my mental illness

Or if it’s just plain love

Or most likely both

But all I know

Is that I’m in pain

I want to be with you

Nothing ever made me feel as happy as you did

But still, I was never actually happy

All my life I’ve been seeking for a purpose

If that’s a defense mechanism from what I felt when I was 14

A time when I couldn’t understand anything

All my life, I lived through lies

And yet, all I feel, is your lost

After 10 years, I started to let myself feel

I stopped manipulating my feelings

And now I’m overwhelmed

I can’t live properly

I need my time

But my time is pain

So I wonder, is this all I feel?

Pain?

So many thoughts crosses my mind

And yet, all I think about is you

I love you

I wish I didn’t feel this

I wish I could control it

But, will it be good for me?

Controlling myself, like I always did

But now, I don’t even think I have a choice

I just distract myself

From the feeling of loss

And how I wanted you