𝕨𝕖 𝕒𝕣𝕖 𝕒𝕝𝕚𝕧𝕖

“Okay, I need two volunteers.”

“You’re all ingrates.”

“I hope someone sets you all on fire, and you need a volunteer to put it out.”

“While the rest of you are having normal, dogless days, these two selfless heroes will be in puppy heaven.”

“I don’t really care about dogs.”

“You’re a psychopath.”

“I hope you die.”

“That’s right, it’s not always good to volunteer.”

“I want sour cream and onion chips.”

“I feel like I don’t even know who you are anymore.”

“It’s not babysitting when you’re the parent!”

“This doesn’t have to wind up on youtube.”

“I know we’ve always had an unspoken rivalry.”

“We don’t have a rivalry, you’re just always mean to me.”

“Since we’re stuck together, I figured we could at least be civil.”

“If somebody needs to be in charge, I’ll do it.”

“Are you thinking about having a baby, but want to test the waters with something that’s not the same at all? Adopt a dog!”

“I feel like as we ever do now is fight.”

“Getting married is not going to solve all these problems.”

“All that banging builds a foundation of love and trust that lasts forever.”

“Marriage is hard. It’s gonna be one of the hardest things you ever do.”

“It’s not something you just want to rush into.”

“I don’t know why you’re so upset.”

“I thought you’d be jumping for joy by now.”

“Do you ever regret getting married so young?”

“I did miss out on some experiences and stuff.”

“I just want you to do what’s gonna make you happy.”

“I trust you to make the right decision.”

“I do a thousand kegels a day.”

“I’m probably just a little intimidated by his talent, and his looks, and you know, his face.”

“I don’t know why he doesn’t like you.”

“I got super stressed about being the best in my class, and I ended up in the hospital with dehydration for two days.”

“Whoa, someone’s touching my junk.”

“The dogs take care of the baby, and the baby grows up and takes care of the dogs.”

“Stop being the Halloween version of Scrooge, whatever that is.”

“Ohh, peer pressure from a group of people I don’t respect.”

“I cannot stop staring at her giant breasts.”

“I want to know exactly what you’re planning to do with this toilet paper.”

“It’s not like I’m one of those people who can’t go on a date unless he, you know, works out and waxes and plucks and bleaches, plan at least two or three outfits.”

“Hey, did you see? I’m a hotdog!”

“You realize that candy from strangers can contain razor blades and heroin needles, right?”

“Again, I did not put heroin needles in the candy.”

“Best case scenario: free chocolate bar. Worst case scenario: trainspotting.”

“You have to stop harassing the customers.”

“If I was you, I would’ve killed myself years ago.”

“I feel like we never really had a chance to bond.”

“We’re throwing away perfectly good food because it’s ugly?”

“Looks matter, [name]. You should know that, being the prettiest person in here.”

“Clearly you’ve been having trouble making ends meet, neglecting your personal hygiene, the old clothes, busted-up shoes, the ratty hair, hints of meth mouth.”

“You don’t have the courage or intelligence to have stolen anything.”

“Was it an act of civil disobedience that I admire? Yes.”

“Stop interrogating yourself.”

“There’s something about you I just don’t trust.”

“I used to shoplift from the mall all the time.”

“We all do things we regret.”

“You’ve been acting weird and avoiding me all day.”

“Wow, so guilty you can’t even look at me.”

“I’m really rooting for that story to be true.”

“You can have a crush on someone that’s married.”

“Just admit what you did and we can end this right now.”

“I’m having the weirdest day.”

“Babies are hilarious.”

“I’m gonna go home, cut myself out of this hotdog costume, and make love to my wife if she’s up to it.”

“That’s exactly how you want to feel to see German expressionism.”

“It means nothing to me if you’re there, at all.”

“You’ve charmed me.”