I haven't been back here in a long time. Literally just came back to write some things off my chest as I feel like tumblr has been an empty platform for the past years and felt like I can be more open and anonymous ..
anyways, I have been in such a bad mental health roller coaster in the past 3-4 months and cannot see how I will get out of this I had many of these during the past 30 years of my life, but this one really is different. Been diagnosed with depression, cptsd and anxiety and after my second semester of studying audio engineering, something triggered me hard. It was probably how busy I was with uni, the assignments, the practice, it was really too much at the end of the semester and it really put me back into the space of overworking and a burnout. i literally haven not felt the same since, life completely changed after i handed in my portfolio and presentation at the end of the semester. I remember I felt such a relief when I handed my stuff in, but weeks went by and i just found myself desperately exhausted. Since then I have really tried m best, had the breakdowns in therapy and the worst one was just a few weeks ago.
I had to decide for my well being to take a break from uni which breaks my heart in billions of pieces, cause I never imagined going to uni growing up, being an audio engineer is my passion, music is my passion it is my dream to literally graduate from uni to be officially that audio babe I always wanted to be since I was a teenager but it took me years to truly step into music like that. Some people have dreams of having kids, getting married having a big house etc. my dream is to graduate, to having something to my name, to specialize in my craft and then suddenly having to take a break without knowing when I'm able to pick up my study again to finish. It feels like such a heartbreak because I'm scared I wont get the chance to go back because my mental health keeps getting in the way of me getting my dreams. It hurts. It hurts and its so frustrating, because my life was always this bumpy, but these bumps were not apart by 5-10 years, they were always frequent so I was always struggling to be stable.
Always had to push through cause I thought everyone felt like that until I started therapy in 2021, when my world completely crushed down, I was not able to mask anymore and had to seek help cause for the first time in my life I started having $u1c1d4l thoughts and thats why I reached out to my therapist. Back then these toghts scared me but unfortunately since then these thoughts got comfortable, because it gave a feeling of getting freed by all these struggles in my mind.
The past months it always came up, it never left, the thought are just sometimes louder and sometimes not but always there.
I'm just exhausted at this point, I know I'm young, just 30, turning 31 next month but this life is really looking rough and I don't know how many years I can take of this bumpy road cause the road is just to bumpy to frequent. I literally said to my therapist a few weeks a go that i wish I could just have at least 5 years of no mental healt struggles so I could finish something ..
