I just want to be perfect

There's an actual pain in my chest. I'm starting to hate him. I want punch him. And hold him. And cry on his shoulder. All at the same time

I fell unabashedly in love with my best friend. Very publicly and unapologetically. Today was the day I embarrassed myself, to myself, yet again. 1.) The beginning An initial attraction (me to him) is what caused me to approach him two years ago under the guise of being friends. I fell for him rather fast even though I knew he had a boyfriend at the time. A break up ensued. But I knew it has been too late. He went away last summer which was enough time I thought to get over him. We became even stronger and even closer than before he left. 2.) Development Proving to myself I was over him, I had a boyfriend and he dated people as well. As time went on, my boyfriend and I ended things. Not that I didn't love my boyfriend at the time, but it had become clear that him and I were in two different places in our lives at that time and there were things I couldn't give him. My best friend was there to console me and we have been inseparable ever since. 3.) Distorted Reality I mistook my best friends opening up with me as a sign that maybe...possibly...hopefully he was starting to see the things I saw in him. I believed he was my soul mate and I told him. We told each other that we love each other. Obvious to me know in hindsight that they weren't said with the same intention. It was a sense of closeness that I haven't felt in so long. We had entangled so much of our lives together. We saw each other every day and it felt weird if we didn't speak to each other at least twice a day. I believed the sun shined out of his ass and everything he did was beautiful to me. Engaging and captivating. Masculine but playful. Absolutely beautiful. 4.) The Dissolution Today, I was looking over his shoulder at the gym and I saw what I should've known was coming. It was a conversation with someone I knew nothing about in which he was saying everything I had longed for him to say to me all this time. "You make me very happy. I hope you know that." I never felt a blow that hard to my chest. Ironically, in a place that was designed to make you stronger only brought me to my knees internally. I probed and he admitted that we was seriously talking to someone I didn't know, he never mentioned, and would have kept a secret had I not looked. It hurt. It still hurts. And I'm standing on the edge of a double edged sword. I can't tell him because it'll ruin our friendship. I don't want to distance myself but I have to so I save my greatest asset (my heart) 5.) Reflection I immediately turned to self hate. The following kept (and is still) running through my head. "I don't know why he doesn't like me.I can't help but think it's physical. He's merely not attracted to me because I'm ugly. Or fat. Or tall. And it feeds into all of my insecurities that I battle on a daily basis." "Was I too pushy? Was I too mean in my sarcasm. Why can't I make myself loveable to a guy? I always ruin it. Everytime and every way." 6.) hope I have to accept the face that he wasn't my blessing. As badly as I want him to be. He can't. He won't. And I can't work hard to get it. So as for now, I'm in a valley of the mountain range that is my life. I'll stay here for a few days and hopefully make it back to the next peak. We'll see how many campers are with me.