HrimsonTurtleX.

You look happy.

Hope you are happy.

My therapist said… there’s lingering trauma still left in my system. All I thought was you.

Is that part of me, ever going to heal completely of you?

There’s moment I wished you caress me on the cheek, leaned into it, held your hand for moment.

Not because I want you back.

I guess I wish you’d do it cause you know, I’m still me.

That’s all.

I see a lot of Vi in me.

A light from the inside died.

I could stare myself at the mirror, and I couldn’t see that spark I once had. Somewhere inside was sitting somewhere, always had a bottle at hand, always finding a reason to punch something, or get drunk somewhere and left to fade out. You wake up again, same spot, same alley way and the cycle repeats.

That light, died with that version of me.

Almost not knowing to love, almost gave up and convinced, love is a trap, love isn’t real, love always leaves, love was never enough, love… don’t matter.

I see all of me, like vi.

Punch first, figure it out later… is that so wrong?

I learned to wear my fists where my heart used to be.

Maybe that’s what surviving looks like.

I remember, somehow leaving your place after staying over.. yeah our first kiss.

We wore mask, and how you lead close to my ear and said “ I’d really want to kiss you right now.”

All my nerves stacked up.

I know If we weren’t in a mask, you would.

In another life, I’d make you stay.

But somehow… somehow in everything, you chose to ran away.

How could I say you were the one that got away?

This love for you, will forever be confusing.

I can’t see you, again.

I can’t meet you again.

Not in another country, not on the road, nothing.

If you so desperately wanted to leave, never return. Because everything about you will hurt me,

The thought of you hollows me…

Why.. don’t you just get rid of me along with everything else already… hmmm?

Why am I still in the albums?

Why am I still a collaborator of the song list?

I CANT DO IT BECAUSE I WAS GENUINE ABOUT HOW I FEEL.

YOU WERENT.

I can’t unlove you.

I don’t know how.

I don’t think I ever will.

You used to push, i use to yearn closeness.

Now that there’s a gap. I see it. I won’t bridge it anymore.

But… I’ll always love you. I don’t know how to stop. You wouldn’t know that… so do we talk through songs now huh? Is that how?

Why would you hate yourself for making me love you, when I’ve loved you for a long time.

Does it ever hurt losing me? That’s why you hate it?

How could I hate.. the kissed we shared.

How could I hate.. one timbre north with you choosing to stand between me, fucking everything, everyone around me to kiss you.

You’re just a vague dream now.

A fight or flight response of the remnant of you I can’t erase. A shadow, a figure that has its hands wrapped around me a hug I can’t shake off.

You choke and cause me to stop breathing.

I feel like a thing chuck under a bed waiting to collect dust.

A discarded pile waiting to be donated off and away, yet there’s hope and lingering feelings, not because I want you back.

Just some sorta assurance when we shared was real will do.

So I could breathe properly again.

Is this why you still kept our videos and photos?

Why don’t you delete them, because I can’t do it.

I saw how you loved me.

I saw how you rejected me too.

Between to two emotions, I still love.

I still love you.

That’s why it hurts. Everything hurts when it’s about you.

2023.

At your house, lying beside you, dying to know how your lips felt like. “What if we kissed I said to myself.”

Fuck it, she said.

She leans into me, consuming me and it was… the best kissed I ever felt in a long fucking time.

I got on top of her, a mix of shock, a mix of want, a mix of a long lust for her defying everything. I kissed her neck both left and right, I got lower and lower I remember I looked up… I asked “ tell me to stop or tell me you want it..”

I know I’d went for it. I stood still..,

Waiting for the answer.

Tell me you want me…

She said “ no… I’m… not ready.. but would you cuddle me to sleep?”

I froze, stopped. Laid back right beside her…

I spooned her, while she voluntarily grabbed my hand and place it against her bare breast and slept soundly.

I froze badly.

Part of me.. enjoyed the moment while I can.

“You have the permission to let me go. “

I closed my eyes, and I pictured a scene of us, once upon a time. So much love, so much weight, and my notes seem to say “my chest is tight and heavy.” I imagine a moment I caress your cheek, held you in my arms in some form. Wipes my tears from your eyes, sworn to never leave, all it took was a call and message, you knew… I’d pick up.

I feel so weak ever time I think of you.

Everyone I love, always leaves. I am violet. She is me.

We share a similar sentiment. Emotional beings who would say “ I don’t fucking care.”

Yet… it’s coming 2 years.

I’m still right here. In pain… hurting…

And for what huh? It’s broken.

The pain will always run deeper than what I show on the surface. That fear that lurks not knowing if I have the courage to look at you dead straight without breaking is real.

No one will understand how this feels.

You’ll never understand J.

Living in my head rent free.

Every familiar gesture from another, screams you… you really fucking did it didn’t you? I jinx myself to say you’re the person I’m willing to allow to break.

I cracked at the thought of you again.

I still tear when I think of you, this emptiness and pain.

This is why I can’t see you.

I’ll break.

I’ll break because I still love you.

I saw you.

I missed you everywhere despite it was been almost 3 years since our Japan trip. I found myself in places and streets where I saw you walking or sitting with me in trains, ticket purchases and food places maybe you’d love it.

I miss you.

You once said, if you saw me on the street, you’ll call out of me, I said my head would be low, cause… we broke up.

Till this day, I don’t know if I’ll ever see you for would my head be low, or would I have the courage to walk away from you that would have taken everything within me, cause I know when I think of you.

It’s not that I want you back, it’s how the anxiety and thought of you creeps in.

Maybe even an eye contact from you, I’d break. The thought of you saying you’d hug me, I missed you, lingers if you remember what you once said.

my side too stunned to hug you back. You said “dee, I missed you.” I said I had to go…” you’d run after me and hugged me tight, kiss me neck.

I saw your photo. You and him.

I hope you’re happy.

And no, you do have to run and hug me.

Just look at me in the eye, that… in all that despite it, you loved me?

Maybe… that’s more than enough of a “I missed you, Dee.”

In returned, “ yeah, I missed you back too bee. Be happy.”

I don’t know why would I think God I would ever bump into her while she’s here. I’d force myself not to look back if I see you, cause maybe you won’t want me there either.

I thought long and hard about messaging you happy birthday. It’s okay if I’ll never get a reply from you, or ever… get a respond.

I know cat would be upset with me for breaking my word. But I vow to never be that FB person I once was, and carry that amend and meant my word.

I know somewhere inside, putting us in the same space. I might just lost somewhere in my mind with you in it.

Whether it was a tight hug, or drowning in a kiss that God forbids. I know my weakness too well when it comes to you. My body is traumatised by you, it aches, it freezes up, it’s been more than a fucking year and still…. FUCK! I freeze up to the thought of you. Why you affect me like that?

Why won’t you let me go? Haven’t I carried enough pain of you?

What the fuck am I gonna do if you told me you miss me huh? That you still love me? What do I do with it?

Today was one of those days that you strangely pop back into my mind.

Kilig, the feeling of being unable to contained the excitement or urge to bite someone to love.

I no longer get that feeling no more, just memories of an aching chest, not the sort that makes your heart race feeling like you want to kiss someone so badly just looking at them.

I carry this endless heartache of you still.

I wish I could switch you off.

No longer about the how are you? What are you doing sort.

Mostly my thoughts, picture and video of you that stays, I’m not sure what I miss anymore. Pictures and videos that I couldn’t delete, because they were real right? In the moment…?

Do I miss you or just how you made me feel?

It’s been… a year or so now, it’s almost like I do this just to soothe myself in feeling better about all that happened.

Yet when I see two girls kiss, the thought of you came to mind. Tears would have still fall, crushing my heart, I struggle to breathe, put us in the same room, I’d kiss you to remind you, I’ve forgiven and still love you even if you don’t love me back, or hear it anymore.

I’ll fucking walk because I stayed far longer than I should, and loving you hard force me to walk and to never look back. You told me to fight for you, J.

I’d kiss you, just so I know, you’ll be okay without me in yours. I don’t know if you even think of me, but I’ll make peace with it, and that’s okay.

This got me good.

You got me good. I know my knees would have weaken, my throat would have turned dry and I’d still look at you with the same eyes, I would have said yes.

I would have done it, so would you.

That’s why some parts of you are so hard to let go.

It ruined us in this case right? Our friendship.