Rants & Random Ramblings

rdr2 + camps

Emotionally abused child strongly believes that their parent is inherently good and deserves all the compassion in the world, all the excuses, all forgiveness and none of the blame for their actions (parents make sure children know that the blame would hurt them so children must never blame them) and will fight to defend the parent and point out why abuse was not really abuse, why children deserved it, why nobody is to blame, except maybe themselves, because “they weren’t good enough” to appease the parent which would then hopefully be a bit more kind (of course not). They often wont even admit how badly they’re scared of their parents.

To have an abused child realize they’ve been exploited, lied to, betrayed, systematically destroyed and dehumanized by their parent, their entire world needs to break down, everything they’ve been taught has to be acknowledged as a lie, what they considered right and fair needs to change to wrong, who they trusted the most needs to change to be least trust-worthy, who in their head, made sure they survive up to that point, needs to turn into a person who almost cost them their life, and destroyed it rather than held it safe. It’s not a fun ride. It’s devastating to go through, it breaks a person apart completely and forces them to re-construct their entire reality. And it’s the only way to have a chance to really recover, to validate themselves and their pain, to understand to what depth they’ve been damaged, and by who and why. It’s the only way to realize that they’re entitled to life, to food, to roof, to nurturing, to everything that was held against them, they’ve been required to feel grateful that they weren’t left to die. 

you spend most of your time shut in your room

you’re scared of footsteps approaching your door

you prefer not to come out unless there’s nobody home

when they come back you run to your room/safe place

you’re nervous and anxious if you have to spend time in presence of others

you try to get away from your home, you wish you could live somewhere else

your self-confidence is very low

you worry about making too much noise (have a feeling you’ll get yellet at or abused for it)

you try to move around as silently as possible and try to not be noticed by anyone

you feel uncomfortable and uneasy sitting at the same table as rest of family/housemates

you don’t feel like you belong here

you feel like a burden to your housemates

you don’t feel like you’re worth having around or supporting in any way

you don’t feel like anyone will ever love you or believe in you

you don’t feel like anything you do is good enough

you can’t stand someone watching you do things like cleaning or anything else you need to get done

you try really hard to still find good points about your life and cling to them

you strongly worry that you are somehow worse than anyone else

you feel like you’re behind on everyone and that you’re failing to live your life properly

you don’t feel like anything would have changed if you died, or even that it would be better if you did

This is dangerous as well because you don’t tell them about a friend who did something horrible to you, you don’t tell them about a sociopath who tried to groom or touch you, you don’t tell them about horrifying heartbreak you feel when someone abandons you, you don’t tell them when your world is falling apart because you know that at best, they’ll be uninterested, at worst, they will tell you it was your fault and you deserved it.

Healthy:

all family members have clearly defined chores, not only children

chores are done in “we’re family we do everything together” way and not “you live in my house and you will do what you’re told”

chores are negotiable, if a chore is difficult or otherwise hard for a child to do, they should be able to opt for something else and switch with someone

if a chore isn’t done, this is resolved by later doing another chore to make up, there is no yelling, accusations, insults or punishments after missing a single chore

chores are adapted to child’s abilities, a chore shouldn’t require the child to work for hours or get completely exhausted and take most of their time

doing chores should also come with benefits, if you’re participating in making something or maintaining something, you should have a voice in discussions about it and be given a part in decision making about it

your effort when you do get something done should be appreciated and praised

Abusive

no clear definition of chores, parents make up chores as they feel like it, then yell at child for not doing it already despite never being informed of the chore

all work (or all heavy, or gross work) being pushed onto a single child with other family members and siblings get no chores or only easy ones

instead of defining chores, parents expecing the child to be on call 24/7, getting angry if the child isn’t there every second to be ordered around

parents telling children what to do in consescending and patronizing way, failing to explain how to do chores properly and getting angry when the child doesn’t do it right, or purposefully giving wrong information only to abuse child when they do as they were told

if a child expresses the desire to not do certain chore, parents going overboard to force the child to do it anyway, child’s voice silenced and the child is denied of any choice or discussion

parents making a chore up then accusing the child of not doing it all this time

parents insisting that the child should have known how to assign chores to themselves and accusing the child of being lazy or dumb for not knowing what has to be done

parents trying to force the child to do something against the child’s will and then yelling “you have to have work habits!” as if this gives them the right to force ther child into whatever they want

forcing children to do unethical chores, and things that go against child’s morality

forcing children to do work that is only fit for adults, dangerous work, work in poor working conditions (such as construction work, heavy lifting, working somewhere with no clear air or toxic chemicals, work with poisonous paints and liquids, in high places, in too high or low temperatures, when the child is sick or otherwise unfed and uncared for, struggling with mental ilness that makes it hard for them to get it done, or otherwise in severe distress)

criticizing and insulting child’s work, leaving them with “it would have been better if you didn’t do it at all” after child has done their best to finish a chore

leaving all child’s work without any praise or recognition, telling them it’s the least they could do to deserve to sleep and eat

denying the child any voice in discussions and decision making, even if the child is forced to participate in doing work for it, failing to provide child with any praise or benefits for working hard

denying a child to go on event, socialize, or otherwise taking away something they looked forward to for the sake of doing a chore, or as a punishment for not doing it

making consequences of not doing a chore unpredictable, and punishing them in different areas of their life, making them anxious and unknowing what will happen to them if they step over a line, and teaching them to expect extreme, unfair and diverse punishments, practically putting them in position where they expect their entire life to be taken away for one mistake, or one missed chore

using violence, physical abuse, emotional abuse or psychological abuse to force a child to do something, or as a punishment for not doing it

parents giving children chores in order to humiliate them and use them as house-servants, giving them all work the parents don’t want to be doing

parents making up a chore when they see the child is relaxing or otherwise engaging in an personal activity, then yelling at the child for not working, and forcing them to end their activity and feel guilty for not spending all of the time working

parents forcing a child to do work that would otherwise be paid and takes a lot of time and effort to do, and still minimize it to a “chore” and refuse to give child any money or benefit for finishing it