Not Ivan

Self-Introduction:

Hi! I'm Ivan! I'm a fictive of y'know...the guy from Alien Stage!

I use this blog as my internet diary and stuff...i just mindlessly yap here if I need to.

On that note: I do talk about my heavy feelings...so...just caution I suppose...

[I'm not affliated with the show and it's creators btw. Just a mentally ill guy on the internet.]

[I'm also not an RP account]

Things about me!

I'm 24! I'm Trans, Grayromantic & gay.

I like to draw, however I don't do it often because it requires mental spoons I don't usually have. Lately I've taken to writing, and it's been a bit fun.

My favorite songs are:

☆No Sad Song For My Broken Heart - K.Will

☆Dear Yesterday - Lucien Lunaris

☆Can I Stay With You - Karyn White

☆Sexuality - Taemin

☆Return to Oblivion - Masayoshi Soken

Uhh...I'm a pretty shy guy so if anyone wants to say hi...I am open to messages!

Link to my art:

I've thought about doing covers of my favorite songs, but I'm scared that I'll get dysphoric from my voice. If I try to emulate how I sound in my head, maybe it would work out. I have enough flexibility to do so!

But I think I'm fancying the idea of being in love (to a healthy degree) with someone, and having that reciprocated. Maybe I'm not aromantic? I'll just have to think about that some more. I am gay tho. I like men. Big, fat or buff men. Like sseireum fighters....woof.

I do miss my friends, though. ☀️ hasn't been social and keeping up with my friends for me, and René is René. He does what he wants. Although i think he's made friends recently, which is good!!

I do have some good news...I'm getting a new haircut and maybe some kbbq later...hehe im gonna eat really well today!!

I was paying attention. I was beginning to distrust them. My brain put me to sleep so that I didn't kill myself overthinking it. Everything is worse than I remember.

Was it?

It was. It was. And I have to keep telling myself that until I stop missing them. If nothing really happened, then why do I obsess over not being a good person, and trying to understand and accept the betrayal you felt instead of understanding myself and accepting that I'm built wrong. Built broken. Built to be the cutest, most well-behaved dog, because being good is my way to survive others and myself.

If I did so bad then why do I feel the same way about you like I do with her? Am I too obedient, too needy, to sweet and gentle to deserve respect and humanization?

At the end of the day. I'll sleep, forget, and repeat this cycle again, wishing that I was stronger, better. Missing you so much that my heart aches, because the love you showed me was sweeter than the homemade mango jam in my fridge birthed from a moment of incurable madness.