weighed in at 109 today but ate so many calories i feel disgusting:( haven’t been sub 100 for a while and that’s all i want in life right now ahhh

I’m back on the struggle bus after eating fairly well for a few months. Just wanted to vent for a second because dealing with this goddamn disorder is so difficult. I’m 18 now and I’ve struggled since I was 13. 5 years. 5 fucking years with this parasite in my head basically. I never would have thought wanting to lose a little weight in middle school would have turned into skipping going out with friends in college so I don’t have to eat. What sucks about ED’s is that you can’t escape food. If you’re an alcoholic, you can completely avoid drinking alcohol (not to say one struggle is easier than the other) but with food you HAVE TO EAT to survive. Every time you eat there’s that small voice in your head telling you no. You can’t stop eating, meaning the temptation is always one thought away. I’ve struggled with restricting to the point where I developed a binge ed because my body was so depleted of nutrition. Not many people talk about binging problems after excessive restriction over years. That was fucking hard to break. I also started purging after the guilt I felt. Something no one will tell you about that is that you can go months or years and be clean of purging then one day randomly you just walk into the bathroom and throw up. It’s happened to me. I don’t know what it was but that urge came back randomly after 1.5 years and it was like - here we go again. Fortunately for me and my teeth that hasn’t been a problem in a while. However the restriction is so addicting and I’m falling back into it :/

i’m literally at the point where i’ll eat something in my dream and wake up in a cold sweat thinking it was real

i’ve never felt more like a fat piece of lard than right now. i just want the feeling of an empty stomach again.

all i want in life is to feel my ribs again

using old pictures of yourself as thinspo is a new kind of pain.

i beg y’all please don’t start smoking to lose weight. it doesn’t really work and now i’m still fat but with a nicotine addiction.

am i the only one that prefers fasting to restricting? when i restrict, it’s easier to fall off the wagon and keep on eating leading to a binge, fasting kills my appetite.