Blackbird0

"I'm dying, Severus... The pain, oh, the pain... make it stop..." "I will do my best, my Lord."

Or: Harriet has her period and Voldemort feels everything.

It's silly and unrealistic but hilarious! A quick read good for a laugh!

Sneak preview:

"My stomach," Voldemort hissed. "It's inside me, clawing at my flesh... It is pure agony, Severus, like nothing I have ever experienced..."

Severus doubted the pain was worse than a Cruciatus, but of course the Dark Lord had always had a flair for the dramatic.

"Any idea of the cause?"

Voldemort drew in a strained breath.

"Potter... it's Potter..."

Severus himself was familiar with blaming everything on Potter. He did it so often it had become a reflex.

A cauldron exploding in his class—Potter.

Ingredients disappearing from his stores—Potter.

His entire life going to hell in a handbasket—Potter.

Still, he was skeptical in this case. How could the girl be inflicting pain upon the Dark Lord while she was spending the summer with her Muggle guardians and couldn't cast any spells because of the Trace? It must have been something else, such as a delayed effect of the resurrection ritual. Voldemort had taken the girl's blood to craft his new body... perhaps it was fighting back somehow? But there was no burning flesh and nothing that hinted at actual damage...

"Potter, my Lord?" he inquired in a bland tone.

"She's having her period!" Voldemort howled. "And! I! Can! Feel! Everything!"

"The Ministry of Magic's Matchmaker has identified a perfect match between Tom Marvolo Riddle and Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, due to shared academic interests and …”

“Personality similarities,” Tom snaps. “I’ve never been so insulted in my life.”

Preview:

Aberforth picks a cup at random from his sink, fills it a few inches, looks at his customer, and then keeps going. This is a repeat customer. His name’s a mystery (Todd?), but previously he’s always struck Aberforth as a nice boy. A perfectly nice boy, except for the fact that he’s a repeat customer at the Hog’s Head, a choice that suggests he’s a few centaurs short of a herd.

“Are you sure you haven’t got anywhere better to be?” Aberforth asks, now more concerned for his customer than himself. 

“Borgin and Burke can go fuck themselves,” Todd answers with venom. “Or each other, since they’ve now been declared a ‘perfect match.’”

With that Todd tosses back his drink and then slams the glass back down. 

Aberforth drops against the counter and screws up his face in his best impression of a compassionate bartender. “Damn. Were you in love with one of them? Or both?”

And Todd suddenly fixes Aberforth with a glare so withering, it rivals Albus. 

“I’m not in love with anyone,” he snaps. “I’m above that. Romance, and sex, and marriage, and all of it.” 

“... Got it. So, what’s your problem?”

With a scoff, Todd fishes an ornate certificate (now crumpled and mysteriously burnt in several spots) out from a pocket and shoves it across the counter.

Aberforth takes a minute to read it. And to re-read it, in case the English language is playing tricks on him again.

Then he silently passes the entire bottle of Firewhisky back across the counter.

“The Ministry of Magic’s Matchmaker has identified a perfect match between Tom Marvolo Riddle and Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, due to shared academic interests and …” 

“Personality similarities,” Todd (no, Tom, that’s probably an important thing to know about one’s brother-in-law) growls bitterly. “I’ve never been so insulted in my life.”

(Aberforth reads the text again, because he just doesn’t get it. He went in to the Matchmaker on Albus’s behalf, not just his own. And he had said very clearly, “Don’t you dare inflict Albus on anyone, do you hear me? Nobody deserves that.”)

(As an afterthought he’d added, “Unless you can find him another Grindelwald.”)

“I think I’ll run away from Britain,” Tom says, after a lengthy swig straight from the bottle. “The Aurors might chase me down to try and take me to Azkaban, and I’d resort to extreme measures to stop them. But I’d rather become an internationally wanted criminal than deal with him.” 

Mrs. Cole likes Tom Riddle. He's the only kid in the orphanage that hates children just as much as she does.

A great read starring Mrs. Cole and Tom Riddle. The best Mrs. Cole in fan fiction - I laughed so much at the ending!!

Preview:

Another thing that Mrs. Cole hates more than crying children is animals. Rabbits are ugly and weird creatures that have no place near an orphanage.

Billy Stubbs’ mother, that Soho resident who’s given up her child out of perfectly reasonable reasons that are harshly judged by society because of her sex, has given her son a bunny to pet and take care of. Mrs. Cole would rather the woman have given him money. Doesn’t she understand how expensive these children are? The priorities of some people!

Tom Riddle isn’t allowed anywhere near the bunny and he looks very angry to be singled out. As if the boy will hurt the damned thing. He’s outgrown hurting animals and has his eyes set on people. Can a snake eat a rabbit? Though, that would be a waste of perfectly cookable meat. Mrs. Cole’s got a plan in store for Stubbs. That boy is beginning to undermine her authority and she refuses to have that.

Very briefly, Mrs. Cole looks at Tom, and then glances to the rabbit. He glances over to the rabbit himself and a thoughtful expression crosses over his face.

If Tom Riddle gets Stubbs knocked down a few pegs finally, she’s going to owe the boy and do so willingly.

xxx

Mrs. Cole thinks that hanging the rabbit off of the rafters is just a tad too much, but she won’t complain about the boy’s effective methods.

Billy is absolutely traumatized. Good. He falls in line finally.

Mrs. Cole waits for Tom to come to her for a favour. He doesn’t. Even better.

‘’Mrs. Cole, what are we having for lunch tomorrow?’’

‘’Rabbit stew.’’

I laughed for sooooo long reading this. Don't take it seriously, but man is it hilarious.

Robb Stark, needing to lure Tywin out to battle, comes up with a devious plan...

Preview:

“I’m so very sorry to hear it,” Jaime said through his teeth. “So what is this, then? Did you just want a naked captive audience for your paperwork?” 

Robb didn’t look up from his work, but he grinned, the smile curving across his cheek, so Jaime could see his amusement even from the cot. “Does that sound hard to believe?”

“It does, actually,” Jaime said.

“Good,” Robb said, and looked up at him, his eyes glittering. “Because what I want everyone to believe is that Ser Jaime Lannister comes to my tent at night for my pleasure, like a common whore.” Jaime stared at him breathless with rage, his heart pounding so furiously he thought his entire chest might erupt. “And that’s what my whole camp will know by morning. How long do you think before your spies tell your father? And then maybe he’ll bring his armies out to play with me again.”

“He’s going to have you murdered slowly,” Jaime said.

Oh my god I cried with laughter.

Preview:

"Partners," Harry clarifies immediately, once more readjusting the stiff collar of his dress robes. "I'm not a servant or anything."

"A...partner?" one pureblood something-or-other political dude echoes, probing deeper.

Harry pauses. "Well, I suppose brother-husband does our relationship justice."

There's a pause from a wide radius around him, as people have been trying desperately these past months to understand one Marvolo Slytherin who swept his way through the political arena with ease. Considering this is the first time anyone has seen Harry or Tom in public, they were immediately mobbed when Voldemort left to go talk Dark Lord stuff with one of his followers.

"You see," Harry begins with far too much glee. "I am also a Parselmouth, of the noble Gaunt line. Marvolo is my older brother and Tom here is our son - by magical means of course." Harry laughs lightly. "You understand how important it is to keep the line pure."

Tom is already looking around for Voldemort. He catches the eye of the man and makes the subtle hand sign for 'Harry is doing a thing again, you need to stop him'. 

"Why, my mother -who is also Marvolo's mother may I remind you- is the niece of our father," Harry continues with a shit eating grin on his face. "When Tom here grows up, we'll match him up with Marvolo, as is traditional." Harry leans forward like it's a secret but definitely doesn't lower his voice. "Quite the scandal but our sixteen-greats aunt, twice removed, fucked a house elf and we've been quite busy purging it from the line-"

"Harry," Voldemort says, towering over the teenager.

I laughed myself hoarse at this one. Walburga is iconic and hilarious. It's a one-shot and pretty short so give it a try. You won't regret it.

Summary:

A drunken threesome between old friends leads to an unintended pregnancy, and somehow, things only get worse from there. 

Or: how Walburga Black becomes a grandma.

Sneak preview:

“But,” she said, speaking over him, “you can’t do that in Azkaban.”

“ Mother!” he exclaimed, finally cottoning on. He glanced around frantically.

“No one can hear us,” she said with a sneer.

Honestly, who did he think she was?

“You want me to fucking escape? How the hell am I supposed to do that? Haven’t you heard—this place is supposed to be a bloody fortress!”

“Please,” she scoffed. “You are far too good at scraping out of trouble by the skin of your teeth. In fact, I’d be more surprised if there weren’t a few crimes you’ve committed that could get you locked up in here that no one will ever find out about—even if the ones they brought you in for are all lies.”

His face turned distinctly sheepish.

“Just be quick about it. I brought your son because I thought you might need a little motivation, but we really can’t be here much longer, and you’re to be transferred to high-security the day after next.”

“Wait,” Sirius said slowly. “You didn’t tell the warden that you brought Harry bloody Potter to visit me, did you?”

“Who do you think I am?” she demanded through gritted teeth. “Honestly, child. Of course not. And besides—that isn’t even his name.”

“What do you mean, that isn’t his name? I was there when they filed the birth certificate!”

“Well, it’s hardly a name suitable for a Black. No, his name is Sirius Harry Black, the fourth.”

She turned on her heel and marched toward the guard still lingering by the door to the cell block, her son’s enraged shouts bursting into the quiet corridor as the privacy wards fell.

“ Mother! Get back here—you can’t just—ARGH—” 

Normally I don't like Naruto fanfiction that's set in the modern day world, because why would I read a story about ninjas when they aren't even ninjas?

But this fic was so good and so well-written that I fell in love with it. Give it a try, it is incredible.

The Natural Habitat of Haruno Sakura by Tozette

Summary: Sakura moves to a new town to attend university and desperately needs to find a cheap room in a share house.

Luckily, the Akatsuki need a new housemate.

At five o’clock in the morning, Sakura was woken by the door to the storeroom she was sleeping in being hurled open. It banged against the wall and she sat up, shrieking.

“Good morning, Sakura-san!" Gai-sensei was standing in her doorway, fully dressed, in a pose with one hand stuck out in a thumbs-up. “Let’s sweat our youth’s sweat together!”

Sakura’s eyes went huge. “Wh-what?”

Was that some kind of euphemism? She stared in horror.

“Mou...” sighed Tenten, peering around the edge of the door. Her eyes were bleary and her hair was only half-up. She was still fiddling with the left side, twisting it into a bun. “He wants you to come for a run with us.”

“I don’t run,” Sakura said blankly.

Gai-sensei’s pose and expression didn’t waver.

A comedy of Itachi and Deidara back in time, only barely managing to pretend to be functional people via excessive applications of genjutsu. They're an absolute disaster as they plot to kill Madara (Itachi) and get used to Konoha life (Deidara), and oh boy is it hilarious.

“What did you even bring me back for?” Deidara asks. “Surely you’d work better with Kisame, yeah.”

“A few reasons,” Itachi says. He, of course, can’t ever fully elaborate on anything properly, and so he gives just one. “You have information I need.”

“Oh yeah?” Deidara asks. 

“Yes,” Itachi says, turning his face to meet Deidara’s eyes. “I need you to help me kill Tobi.”

Deidara stares and waits for Itachi to deliver the punchline, but his face is dead serious. 

“You need my help,” Deidara repeats, “to kill Tobi, the stupidest, clumsiest idiot that I've ever met?”

“Yes,” Itachi confirms, “because he’s actually Uchiha Madara.”

A very, very long silence passes, and Deidara wracks his brain for where he’d heard that name before. He’d done a lot of research on the sharingan to strategize against Itachi, and that involved reading more about Uchiha history than he’d prefer. Uchiha Madara was… he was…

“What the fuck!” Deidara yells, sitting up straight in bed. 

“Shh,” Itachi chides him, leaning over to push him back down. “You’re supposed to be resting.”

“You’re insane,” Deidara says. “There’s no way that’s true, yeah.”

“It’s okay if you don’t believe me tonight,” Itachi says, resituating himself against the wall. “He’ll make a move soon enough.”

Insane, Deidara confirms in his own mind. 

“I need to know everything about his behavior,” Itachi presses on, “and you’ve spent the most time with him.” 

“He’s stupid and loud,” Deidara informs him. “Very un-Madara like, yeah.”

Itachi keeps going like he hasn’t heard Deidara. “Anything you can think of. Habits, fighting style, likes and dislikes, allergies–”

“You want to kill Uchiha Madara with allergies?” Deidara asks dubiously. 

“If it works,” Itachi answers. He continues to sound dead serious, but then again, that’s just how he is. 

In which the rumour mill is thriving, Zuko is ready to give up, and Toph won’t stop laughing.

Also, the citizens of Caldera City might be a bit concerned about how quickly their Fire Lord is apparently going through partners.

A snippet from my favourite chapter, chapter 4:

It's funny, Zuko thinks, how a single letter can ruin your whole day.

In this case, the letter is a piece of unassuming yellow paper, with the words To Fire Lord Zuko written on it in a neat, formal script. It looks like something a noble would write, except it's not tied with silk ribbon or sealed with wax—it's tied with simple brown twine. And the hawk definitely isn't Fire Nation; it's a mottled brown-and-black, with darker eyes than the hawks Zuko's used to.

He opens the letter and immediately chokes.

Dude. 

Did you fuck a dragon? 

xoxo your favourite bounty hunter 

p.s when you send a reply, send it to the blue moon inn in Garsai. It's where I'll be staying for the next few weeks. 

What. The fuck.

How—?

He glances down at the baby dragon snoozing in his lap. Out of all the unexpected things that have happened to him, and there have been a lot, Druk might be the most unexpected. Zuko kind of wishes he could go back and tell thirteen-year-old Zuko that, in twelve years' time, he'd be Fire Lord with a baby dragon at his side, because apparently the baby dragon had imprinted on him when he grabbed its egg by mistake.

That...is what happened, right? Like, Druk's just imprinted? He's not Zuko's biological kid?

Oh, spirits, now Zuko's starting to doubt himself. He didn't sleep with Ran and Shaw, did he? That whole day is kind of a blur. Do dragons have the power to hypnotise people? Do they have the power to erase certain memories?

"Hey." Aang nudges him in the side, startling him out of his unwanted reverie. "Are you okay? Was the letter bad?"

Oh, right. He's at a dinner. With his friends. 'Friends' includes Aang, who was at the temple with him and knows what happened.

"Aang," he says, mentally steeling himself for the onslaught of teasing, "you know that day, when we went to visit the dragons? I didn't, um. I didn't fuck them, did I?"

All conversation dies, immediately.

Aang stares at him, his eyes so wide Zuko can see a full ring of white around the grey pupil. "What."

Zuko closes his eyes. "Please tell me I didn't sleep with one of the dragons. Or both of them. I don't know how dragons work."

"I—why would you—?!"

"So I didn't do it, right?"

"No!"

"Oh, thank Agni." He lets his head fall forward into his hands.

"Dude," Sokka says, "you've got issues."

"Zuko fucked a dragon?" Toph asks, sounding entirely too gleeful about it, that little shit. "Is that why he has Druk?"

"I didn't fuck a dragon," Zuko snaps. "I think we've just established that."

"You shouldn't have to establish that!" Katara looks more than a little disturbed. "Why would you even think you did it in the first place?"

Zuko waves June's letter. "It's from June. She asked me if I fucked a dragon."

Toph snatches it out of his hands. "What's it say?" Sokka asks, leaning over the table.

"How many times do I have to say it, Snoozles? I'm blind."

"Oh, right." Sokka takes the scroll from her and clears his throat.

"The letter says, 'Dude, did you fuck a dragon'," he declares. "And...that's it." He looks at Zuko. "That's it? That's all it took for you to start wondering if you fucked a dragon?"

"I don't know!" Zuko defends. "Maybe I did fuck a dragon and I just don't remember it!"

"How do you not remember fucking a dragon?"

"Dragons have been almost extinct for a hundred years, Sokka. For all we know, dragons have the ability to erase memories."

"I think we're all ignoring the big question here," Suki pipes up. "Which is: why does June think you fucked a dragon?"

Zuko points at her, inadvertently jostling Druk. "Yes! Thank you! That's what I—"

He doesn't get to finish his sentence, because Druk does not like being woken up before sunrise. He makes this very, very clear, by climbing Zuko like a goddamn tree and tearing his outer robe to shreds.

"Hot," Suki says, as the tattered remains drift to the floor. "You should show off more, Zuko. You've got a sexy bod."

"Fuck you all," Zuko announces. Druk curls up on top of his head.

With Friends Like These

Summary: Two years after the war, Fire Lord Zuko has consolidated his hold of the Dragon Throne, having purged the court and earned the tentative support and respect of his people. But the more united the Nation becomes, the more wary the other kingdoms grow, and the fragile peace is threatened by an incendiary rumour that has spread through the colonies; a rumour which could light the spark of another war. Together, Team Avatar must piece together a broken world.

A group of teenagers competently ruling the most powerful nation in the world and striving for world peace while simultaneously being idiots. Team Avatar in a nutshell.

Chapter 1: The Rulers of Fire

The Caldera during a late summer evening was pleasantly cool as the sun gave way to the moon in the darkening sky. The palace was resplendent and grand, the gardens peaceful and sparsely populated as courtiers left the centre of governance for their homes as the day drew to a close. A few lingered behind to chat with their fellow ministers.

“-can't believe our great nation has come to this.” A man partially hidden behind a tree was saying to a fellow governor, one who didn't look enthusiastic to be part of the conversation. “A foreign witch traipses around the homeland, mudslingers root loyal nobles from their homes, and schoolgirls in face paint swagger about the palace halls!” The old, ranting man released a puff of steam from his nostrils. “The Fire Lord fills the positions of most importance with foreign harlots!”

The minister he was talking to looked positively alarmed at his words. “Watch what you’re saying Chen! You sound like Ozai’s supporters,” he hissed warningly.

“Don’t mix me in with them,” Chen sneered. “If they haven’t been rooted out by the Beifong bitch, they’ve gone so deep into hiding they won’t crawl out for years.” Reluctant admiration crept into his voice. “Even if she’s a little girl, the Fire Lord knew what he was doing when he hired her. But the rest of them!”

“Lady Mai is Fire Nation.”

“A sixteen-year-old,” Chen scoffed. “The Fire Nation is being ruled by a group of teenage girls!”

Standing behind the gossiping nobles with his arms crossed, Fire Lord Zuko was scowling.  

“I didn’t realise I was a girl, much less a group of them. But you know what they say, you learn something new every day.”

Zuko’s sarcastic interjection made Minister Chen jolt upright like he’d been shot with lightning. Despite the lightness of Zuko’s words, the ambient temperature rose several degrees as the fire in his chest burned at the insult to his friends. The man’s colleague paled, stepped a large step away from Chen and bowed.

“My Lord!” The guilty courtier spun around with fearful eyes and dropped to his knees. “I meant you no offence!”

“No,” Zuko agreed, not asking him to rise. “You meant offence to my honoured guests. Those teenage girls are bending masters, ambassadors, and experienced warriors who fought in the war, who now contribute to the stability of our great nation. They are more than worthy of your respect and admiration. The next time you say such will be the last time you speak before me at all.”

“Yes, my Lord. Thank you for your mercy my Lord!” He kowtowed in the traditional Fire Nation supplication, face pasty white, holding the position until Zuko swept by. The clatter of the courtier’s feet and the patter of the Kiyoshi warriors followed in his wake.

Minister Chen would be useful as bait in case Ozai’s supporters contacted him, and if he didn’t change his ways then he would lose his voice in court forever. Zuko had dismissed minsters from his court for insulting his friends before. If the insult was vile enough, he had outright banished them in the age-old, favourite tradition of the Fire Lords. Being permanently barred from politics had crushed the dreams and aspirations of more than a handful of them before the rest wised up.

They entered Zuko’s study after a short walk through the palace halls, and Zuko sat behind his desk, Suki and one of her warriors taking positions at his back.

“You were saying, Minister Qin?”

The older man cleared his throat. “The last of our factories that were causing negative effects on the environment have been closed. We are temporarily employing their workers to clean the pollution, but that is only a temporary solution. The lost jobs from the factory closures will have to be replaced.”

The former War Minister Qin now served as Zuko’s Technology Minister, no longer stealing from the mechanic of the Northern Air Temple but maintaining and improvising upon what they had for purposes other than war. To say Qin had been against this turn of events was an understatement.

Zuko nodded in acknowledgement then turned to the other minster who was as far from Qin’s image as possible. Not only was the Minister of Justice a woman, she was also as least three decades younger.

“Lady Beifong and the Dai Li have apprehended the late Admiral Zhao’s family and are transporting them to the Caldera pending their trial.”

He knew that already. Zuko raised a brow, wondering where she was going with this.

“Admiral Zhao committed great crimes against the spirits, and there are many who believe a harsher punishment may appease them.” Zuko noted that Minister Ran avoided saying whether she agreed with this sentiment.

“The Fire Lord ended the practice of familial exterminations,” Minister Qin interjected, to Zuko’s great surprise. The man was as recalcitrant as he was unfortunately competent and had never supported Zuko in anything, especially if it went against tradition. Suddenly speaking up now was entirely out of character.

“Yes,” Zuko said a beat late. “So long as the Zhaos are not found guilty of criminal acts, they will be released with compensation for the rough handling.” He turned to Minister Qin. “I want that plan for adapting our existing technologies for agricultural use by next week at the latest.”

“Yes my Lord.” The man bowed, and Zuko was surprised again. Where was the dragging of feet, the excuses for the delays, the recalcitrant attitude and veiled disrespect? After another brief pause he turned back to the Justice Minister.

“Minster Ran, prepare for the Zhaos’ trial. Speak with Lady Mai and make sure they are not mistreated in the meantime. Dismissed.”

His ministers made the flame with their hands and bowed, backing from the room. Zuko let out a dragging sigh, beyond relieved the day’s work was coming to an end.

“I thought I would be happy the day Minister Qin agreed with me,” Zuko grumbled, slipping out the sharp cadences of fire nobility to the common earth kingdom vernacular, slumping in his chair. “But his sudden change of heart doesn’t bode well.”

Suki nodded thoughtfully, her scrutinising gaze lingering on the door. She had learnt to speak the common fire nation tongue in prison but was still working on the dialect the nobility used.

“It is odd,” the Kiyoshi warrior agreed. I feel he’s had a change of heart about you. But at the same time Qin’s too stuck in his ways and I don’t think he’s changed his ideals at all.”

“That’s what worries me. Why does it seem like he’s having a huge misunderstanding about my intentions?” Zuko’s question was directed to Suki but another voice answered him.

“Uh, he kind of is.”

Perched on the windowsill was a familiar figure in yellow and orange robes.

“Aang!”

The Avatar hopped off the balcony railing and landed lightly on his feet, grinning.

“You shouldn’t be sneaking in, it’s bad for security,” Suki scolded, though she didn’t sound too upset.

“It’s good to see you Aang,” Zuko greeted, “but I thought we were going to meet at the Summit?”

“Hehe sorry Suki. And that was the plan,” Aang agreed, “but I have a lot to tell you so we decided to drop by first.”

The door to Zuko’s study slammed open before he could ask what the airbender meant, and in stalked Toph, Mai close on her heels.

“I thought I felt your toes, Twinkletoes,” Toph greeted him with a playful punch before laying down on the couch and rudely putting her feet up on the arm rest.

Aang complained about the nickname while rubbing his shoulder and Suki smiled at her fellow Kiyoshi warrior. “Take the night off, Ying. The Fire Lord will be safe with us here.”

“You got it captain.” The young woman saluted cheerfully, bumping into someone as she was leaving. “Oh, hello Katara, Sokka.”

“Hi Ying,” Katara’s voice sounded as she rounded the corner. “Look who I found stealing fire flakes from your kitchen.”

“I’ve been flying all day and Zuko doesn’t mind,” Sokka protested, entering the study just behind his sister.

“Sokka!” Suki beamed, rushing to greet her boyfriend. “You flew in with Aang?”

The water tribesman smiled dopily back at her, dropping a kiss on her painted lips. “Yep, I was in Gaoling organising trade deals when I bumped into him coming down from Omashu.”

Toph tensed. “Gaoling?”

“Yeah.” Sokka grimaced. “The trades are actually with your family. They didn't mind dealing with our tribe, but they also haven’t changed their stance on… uh, other stuff.”

Toph sneered, crossing her arms. “No surprise there.”

“Yeah.” Sokka coughed awkwardly. “They, um, also ascribe to some of the weirder rumours that’s been going around the Earth Kingdom.”

“More rumours?” Katara asked, rolling her eyes.

“Yeah, that’s what we came to talk to you about, Zuko,” Aang said awkwardly.

He scoffed. “What now? Are they saying I eat babies for breakfast or something?”

“No, no,” Toph said, her voice full of laughter. “Zuko only eats raw meat because he’s actually a dragon pretending to be human, except he’s really bad at it. That’s why he’s so awkward all the time.”

“Oi!”

“Uh no. Nothing about food preferences this time. They kinda think you’re an evil mastermind who’s planning to take over the world via diplomacy?” the monk’s voice lilted upwards apologetically.

Zuko snorted humorously and Toph outright laughed. “Sparky? A mastermind? Zuko couldn’t mastermind his way out of a paper bag!”

The girls all joined in the laughter, even Mai smiled.

“Hey!” he protested, though it was half-hearted at best. “I could totally be a mastermind!”

They laughed harder, all except for Aang and Sokka.

Katara’s eyes widened. “You’re not joking?”

The airbender winced. “No, they really think Zuko’s trying to take over the Earth Kingdom, only using diplomacy and scheming instead of force.”

“That’s why Ozai’s old supporters that we couldn’t get rid suddenly became helpful!” Suki burst out. “Do they also believe that nonsense?”

It had been seriously getting to them, thinking Zuko’s more treacherous ministers were planning something sinister. If it was them just tricking themselves by listening to nonsense rumours then that would be great, but problems rarely ever resolved themselves so easily for Zuko. And by rarely he meant never.

Zuko shook his head. “No way, I’m never that lucky. They’re definitely planning something.”

“No,” Sokka shook his head, “I think they might actually believe the rumours.”

“But they’ve met me. They know I’m not some evil mastermind!”

Becoming Fire Lord had not improved Zuko’s people skills.

“I'm not sure they do,” Aang said apologetically. “And it’s not just the Fire Nation, the rumour started in the Earth Kingdom. It’s spread pretty far, I’ve heard a lot of people believe it, like General Fong and Colonel Wen, as well as the Pangs and the Yan Su Hongs.”

Zuko eventually broke the silence. “Shit. You’re serious.”

“I know, I couldn’t believe Zuko would ever have to defend himself from being accused of being an evil genius either,” Sokka shook his head disbelievingly, “but those guys don’t know you. They only see your actions through the lens of their own suspicion, and it makes them see what they expect to see.”

“Yeah, it doesn’t help that a lot of your armies are still in the Earth Kingdom,” Aang added.

“I can't just pull them all out!” Zuko exclaimed, revisiting the old argument. “Chaos would descend upon the lands and it would leave all the Fire Nation citizens who live there unguarded!”

“I know!” Aang raised his hands defensively. “But that’s not how they see it.”

The firebender got to his feet angrily. “I pulled out all our forces from Ba Sing Se! I’ve spent the last year withdrawing them from the eastern front. Uncle may be an ‘honoured guest’ and is free to run his tea shop, but we all know the Earth Kingdom considers him a hostage to keep me in line!”

The firebender stalked the length of his study, candles flaring with his emotions. His fists clenched. Zuko hadn’t seen his uncle since the last time he visited the Earth Kingdom capital a year ago. What if someone assassinated him in hopes of restarting the war? Zuko knew his uncle could take care of himself, but what if they poisoned his tea? It only took one person like Jet, and then the nations would be up at arms again.

He furiously wore holes through his carpets until Katara tugged at his robe to stop him.

“How is Uncle doing?” Toph asked, sitting up. “It can't be easy for the Dragon of the West to live in the middle of Ba Sing Se.”

Zuko started pacing again. “You know what Uncle’s like, he’s having fun pretending to be harmless old geezer. He doesn’t say anything when he writes, but yeah, he’s probably been chasing off assassins by the dozen as well.”

“Is that still happening?” Aang frowned, worriedly fiddling with his staff. “I thought they’d stopped by now.”

‘We haven’t had an incident in four months,” Suki said, “not since the last time someone tried to poison Zuko’s food. It’s a good thing Mai pushed for a taste tester. Otherwise, and I hate to say this, but we might have missed it,” she finished unhappily.

“Hey, don’t be so hard on yourselves, you guys are warriors, not poison experts,” Katara consoled, though she also shot Zuko a concerned look.

“Most of the nobles are too scared to act right now,” Mai added, “or they just don’t see the point when security is so high. Now that they’ve tried all sorts of methods and none of them have worked, they won’t try again for a while. But I doubt we’ve seen the last of them.”

Sokka shook his head. “Right. As disturbing as Zuko’s regular schedule of attempted assassinations is, that’s not our main worry right now.” His face contorted and he tried to backtrack. “I mean, it’s probably Zuko’s main worry, and it’s not like I’m not worried too, I’m super worried! Not that I don't trust you guys to handle it, I only meant-”

“We get it Sokka.” Suki rolled her eyes.

Aang took over. “People no longer think that you’ll restart the war. Only it’s not because you’re a believer of peace and equality, but because they think you can accomplish a takeover better by selling yourself as a good guy.”

Katara’s voice rose dangerously. “Selling himself as a good guy? Haven’t they considered it’s because Zuko is a good person?”

Zuko was touched by her words and tried to suppress the usual sensation of warm gooiness in his chest that always arose whenever one of his friends stuck up for him. Mai rolled her eyes at him, so he probably wasn’t successful at keeping it off his face.

“You’ve been doing a great thing Zuko,” Aang said. “Even the Earth Kingdom people in the colonies are glad you’re keeping the peace! But outside of the colonies things are deteriorating.” He shook his head sadly. “Ba Sing Se was never meant to grow so large. The Earth Kingdom used to have a hundred kings and city-states, with the kings having a lot of local power and only the over-arching issues being decided by a council under the High King. Without the war, without a foreign aggressor, they’re splintering again and jockeying for political power. Banditry is running rampant in the east, and the northern districts are pushing for complete independence from the crown.”

Zuko saw where this was going. “They’re blaming me for their internal issues,” he said, heart sinking and voice certain.

“What? That’s ridiculous!” Katara exclaimed.

Aang’s face was sad as he nodded. “They think it’s all a grand scheme of yours to destabilase the Earth Kingdom. And to make things worse, there’s a drought.”

Zuko’s eyes furrowed as he thought back to the latest reports from his governors in the colonies. “I haven’t heard this.”

The Avatar’s grey eyes were solemn and he looked far older than his fourteen years. “That’s because it’s only been in the south-eastern region, not in the western colonies. The summer was a hot one and there’s still no sign of rainfall, and the hardest place hit is Shenzhen. They’re the Kingdom’s breadbasket.”

Zuko’s lips thinned. “There’s going to be a famine.”

“A bad one,” Sokka agreed grimly. “People in Ba Sing Se are scared and some are leaving to return to their homes now that the Fire Nation is no longer attacking. Kuei is, well. Not the most inspiring ruler, and they believe it’s safer to live under your rule since the banditry in the east has gotten so bad. The upper-class think you’re poaching their citizens and converting them to Nation. There are even rumours…

“What?” Zuko asked flatly.

“There are even rumours that you’re behind the drought.”

He threw his hands up in utter exasperation. “So now I can control the weather!?” Zuko tried to run a hand through his hair, made a noise of frustration and plucked his crown out and tossed it onto his desk. Then he flopped onto the sofa next to Toph. “People actually believe this?”

“Well, everyone knows that the Fire Nation consider the Fire Lord as Agni’s will on earth. Now the sun is scorching the territories that aren’t under your protection… and people are dumb.” Sokka, ever the sceptic of superstitions, rolled his eyes.

“It doesn’t help that some people think I’m too biased towards the Fire Nation,” Aang said, his tone shaded with tired gloom.

“What? You’re the Avatar!” Katara said angrily while Toph made an indignant noise.

“How could they say that?” Zuko exclaimed the same time Suki scoffed.

Aang had done his best for the people of every nation, always. He’d spent two years flying from place to place, listening to old men argue and shout at each other, mediating with more patience and wisdom than all of them had shown combined. How dare they insinuate he was lacking as the Avatar!

“They think me rebuilding the Western Air Temple with Fire Nation resources is a bribe or a ploy to make me favour your country. They also don’t like how much time I spend here.”

“Those are war reparations, not a bribe!” Zuko said indignantly. “I literally only returned the Air nomad artefacts that we stole in the first place and lent you some architects. It wasn’t nearly enough to make up for our crimes, and even then it didn’t cost a fraction of a percent of what the Earth Kingdom are demanding.”

“It’s not only that,” Sokka spoke up. “It’s also that we’re all here. Suki leads your personal security team, Katara tours the country as a healer and the Water Tribe Representative, I visit often as the Southern Ambassador, and Toph is well known for being your hand of justice.”

Toph looked inordinately pleased at that. The young earthbender had gained a terrifying reputation for being able to sniff out lies, and the shocking speed and effectiveness with which Zuko carried out his purges had shaken the confidence of the Fire Nation nobility. Corrupt officials and commanders were imprisoned, and the worst of Ozai’s supporters were gone.  

Hanging in the air but left unspoken was the fact that, at the end of the war, they had all returned home to find nothing fit properly. It took some time, but they realised home hadn’t changed; it was them. What Zuko had experienced upon his first return to the Fire Nation, the others came to understand.

At first, it was wonderful. Sokka and Katara reunited with their family, Toph made up with hers, and Suki had gone back with her girls to their island. Aang, like a true nomad, flew between them all while meeting leaders of the kingdoms.

But then the polar winter set in and Sokka and Katara grew restless while Toph’s parents made noises about betrothing her. Suki’s family were her fellow warriors and a warrior without purpose was a lost one, and Aang was lonely travelling alone.

Suki came first, Zuko contracting her warriors to guard him. The turmoil in the Fire Nation had yet to bubble over at that point, but it had been very concerning. Zuko then sent a messenger discreetly requesting Toph’s lie-detecting services and she leapt at the chance. Katara and Sokka left their home again to negotiate the war reparations and trade deals in person, even though only one of them was truly needed. Aang ended up dropping by more and more, complaining about everything and nothing and always ecstatic to see everyone.

The all migrated back to the Fire Nation, back to Zuko who was the only one bound to a physical location, and together, they had rebuilt the Fire Nation. Zuko didn’t think he would have been able to hold his country together without them and was often awestruck that this incredible group of people were his friends.

“People don’t like that you’re bear-hogging the Heroes of the Hundred Year War.” Sokka made quotations in the air.

“The Earth Kingdom aren’t helping to feed our people through winter. They never offered our tribe help before, even when we were fighting the Fire Nation together,” Katara huffed irately. “They also weren’t fed a hundred years of lies about the Water Tribes! Zuko’s people were told that everyone not Nation are savages and lesser. I’m living, breathing proof that this isn’t true, but I need to be here to prove that.

“And what would they even expect us to do if we went to the Earth kingdom?” It was Katara’s turn to pace. “My healing can help people, yes, but in terms of numbers I barely make an impact. The best help I can give is speaking with them and bringing their concerns straight to Zuko or the local authorities. And that’s only possible because of the Fire Nation’s strict social hierarchy and because I happen to know the man the top. If I tried that in the Earth Kingdom, most places would laugh me away!"

Katara had started her tours of the islands as a favour, going to heal a small village who were devastated by illness. She discovered the cause was a poorly maintained well and told Zuko, who told the local mayor to fix it. Then she did it again, and again.

It ended up with Katara acting as Zuko’s eyes and ears while representing her tribe. His citizens knew they could take their concerns to her and the Fire Lord would investigate fairly. Zuko would have loved to go himself but was stuck in the palace governing and had yet to tour his country since the end of the war. He sent Katara instead, guarded by several Kiyoshi warriors, as representatives of the other nations and what they could accomplish working together.

“I’m doing so much good here!” Katara finished, impassioned. “For both the Fire Nation and our Tribe.”

She also frequently returned to the South Pole along with shipments from the Fire Nation. Immense amounts of resources were being invested into the Tribe as reparations, and in return the South sent their unique goods to Fire Nation markets. Whalebone ornaments, rare fish, southern pearls, and luxurious furs were commodities that couldn’t be obtained anywhere else.

Aang raised his hands defensively. “Hey, I agree with you. But it doesn’t change the fact that the Earth Kingdom are getting snippy about it. Also,” he turned to Zuko, “the Beifongs are still angry at you for keeping their daughter captive-”

Everyone let out a collective snort.

“Yeah,” Aang grinned, “not that anyone who’s actually met Toph believe them. But they have a lot of money and power and are being encouraged by other warmongers.”

“Well they can set foot in the Fire Nation over my dead body.” Zuko gestured rudely in the direction of the earth kingdom.

“What, and start another war?” Toph rolled her eyes.

“For you? Of course.”

Toph punched Zuko so hard he yelped, but they all saw her smile. The conversation died naturally as they all got lost in their own thoughts.

“It’s not so bad,” Katara eventually voiced.

“Not so bad?” Zuko repeated incredulously. “It’s a disaster!” he yelled. “I thought the Fire Nation was actually starting to see that conquering the world was a terrible idea. Now it turns out they’re only supporting me because they think I’m doing just that, but in a sneakier way! How am I supposed to convince people to respect the other nations if they think I’m only doing all this as some sort of cunning ploy?”

“That’s not true Zuko, they do respect you!” Katara exclaimed. “I’ve been out there speaking to them and they know all the good you’re doing.”

“But they still want to conquer the world!” He deflated when he realised he was shouting at her. “Sorry,” Zuko muttered. “I just thought we were making progress.”

“We are,” Katara said emphatically. “The Fire Nation is seeing that violence isn’t the way to do things.”

The earthbender snorted. “Yeah, because they see the value in a cunning takeover via friendship and cooperation instead.”

“Zuko. This is all because you’re too nice,” Suki said seriously.

“Maybe I should burn down a few villages to reassure them of my innate evil,” he returned sarcastically.

“One step forward, two steps back,” Sokka said sagely, then paused. “Wait no. I meant two steps forward, one step back. Oh whatever, you know what I mean. The Fire Nation is adapting to non-violence and even the nobility are coming around. This is just a minor setback.”

“But it will still cause trouble at this year’s summit,” Zuko stated.

“Right. That’s why we came to warn you,” Aang said.

“So just because Zuko’s a good Fire Lord, the Earth Kingdom can blame him for all of their issues?” Katara asked indignantly.

Zuko felt that calling him a good Fire Lord was a stretch. He felt like he was treading water, sometimes overwhelmed with the enormity of the task before him. The only reason he hadn’t exploded due to the stress was because everyone was there to help.

“Zuko you’re a good ruler, no, a great ruler. Everyone can see that.” Sokka said, solemn in a way he only was when things were serious. “But people don’t know how to deal with a benevolent and just Fire Lord. They’re seeing a good man at the helm of the world’s most powerful country, and it scares them.”

Zuko barely refrained from groaning. This year’s Four Nations Summit would be fun.

XXX

That night, they somehow all ended up in Zuko’s room.

Aang turned up on the balcony again for a cup of tea and firebending advice and just never left. Toph tunnelled her way through the wall bringing a plate of snacks, and at midnight, Ty Lee – who was supposed to be guarding his room – let Katara, Sokka, and Suki walk straight in through the door.

They all piled onto Zuko’s enormous, ridiculously decadent bed, fought over the best spots, and kneed and elbowed each other trying to get comfortable. Sokka ate half the cakes himself and sprayed crumbs all over Zuko’s sheets while laughing at his own jokes. Toph and Katara fought viciously over the comfiest pillow while Aang tried to calm them down, only to lose it to Suki who snatched it out from under their noses.

They ended up chatting about everything and nothing until the night turned to early morning and they were all yawning. Just as they were about to drift off, Sokka began snickering to himself. Everyone was too tired, so they all ignored him hoping it would go away.

“Hehehehe.” The dumb sniggering continued.

Toph groaned. “Go to sleep, Snoozles.”

“I was just thinking – if the other nations found out the Fire Lord was sleeping with the Avatar, then they’d really accuse Aang of being biased.”

There was a moment of silence while their tired brains processed that outrageous comment. Then Aang yelped and flushed all the way to his arrow, falling out of bed with a loud thud.

“Sokka!” Katara shrieked, whipping around and snatching the one pillow Zuko had managed to keep for himself out from under his head, then began to beat her brother with it. Suki joined in just for fun. Toph hooted with laughter and nudged Zuko slyly with her pointy elbow.

Zuko buried his face in his hands and hid beneath his covers. The racket could probably be heard all over the palace, and no doubt tomorrow everyone would know that the Avatar, the children of the Southern Chief, the leader of the Kiyoshi Warriors, and the world’s greatest earthbender had all spent the night in the Fire Lord’s bedroom.

...

Again.

Oh no.

A short crack comedy where Team Avatar are gods and demigods, where Zuko and Toph rule the underworld as king and queen.

“You didn’t walk into hell for me, you came down here to avoid your mother!”

“I’m a proactive problem solver!”

“She cursed the world into eternal winter and almost killed half of the living population!”

“That sounds like a ‘you’ problem.”

“It was literally an ‘everyone’ problem, plus your mother tried to kill me-”

“- because you suck at communicating the fact that you haven’t maliciously kidnapped people’s daughters!”

“You’re the one who told her we were in love!”

“Okay, I’ll take the blame on that one,” Toph conceded. “But it was totally worth it to fuck with her.”

“But you’re married,” Katara blurted out before she could stop herself.

The gods turned back to them with a jolt like they’d forgotten they had an audience.

“For tax reasons,” Zuko said, like that in any way made sense.

I'm not normally a fan of Sasuke fics, but this is the best Sasuke-centric story ever written. It's got an epic plot and Sasuke has gotten over his angst phase, which always helps. Also known as Sasuke and Tobi vs Akatsuki. You know it's gonna be an epic disaster 🤣

Summary: Following the events of Naruto, Uchiha Sasuke never makes it to Orochimaru's hideout. Instead, he is waylaid by a one-eyed man named Tobi, a man possessing a Sharingan, a terrifying dual personality, a penchant for always being late, and a single-minded mission to stop the Akatsuki in their tracks. When Sasuke runs into Naruto again years later, he must ally with his old teammate in order to protect him from the Akatsuki, while keeping him out of the two man war Tobi and Sasuke have started against the dangerous organization.

Preview:

“Uchiha Sasuke was sighted doing what now!?” Sasuke does not screech. He doesn’t. But if his voice is just a bit higher pitched than usual, well, it is understandable.

Tobi’s looking over his shoulder the next moment, humming annoyingly as he quotes the report “‘raiding a feudal lord’s castle, bearing the flag of Otogakure, demanding a protection payment in the name of Orochimaru’.” Tobi pauses briefly, scanning further down the paper as if he hadn’t seen it yet. “ Oh , it looks like you burnt down the guy’s castle. I like it, Sasuke-chan. Nothing could scream Uchiha more than fireballs.”

Sasuke sputters. “I didn’t do this! I’ve been stuck in the forest with you for four months.”

Tobi taps the report, sounding frustratingly sincere in his skepticism. “But Sasuke-chan, this says you’re Orochimaru-sama’s errand boy now.”

“They’re idiots then. Someone starts throwing fire around and they just assume it’s me?”

“Well, fire is quite the Uchiha trait. As far as Konoha is aware, Orochimaru is in possession of an Uchiha, and there’s not a very large pool of them anymore. They’re connecting dots at this point.”

Sasuke grumbles. “Well, they’re doing it wrong.”

“Oooh, Sasuke-chan’s upset,” Tobi calls out in a singsong voice.

“ Stop calling me that! ” Sasuke snaps, a kunai flying towards Tobi before he even registers it leaving his hand.

Tobi screeches, throwing himself dramatically to the side to avoid the kunai and landing on his ass. The kunai lodges into a nearby stall, and Tobi spends several long seconds staring at it before turning his head slowly towards Sasuke. Sasuke takes a step back, unable to read the expression hidden in the man’s eye, and lets his hand drift down to hover over his kunai pouch.

“That was a very half-assed attempt,” Tobi says finally, sounding slightly surprised. “Usually there’s at least a fireball or Chidori in there somewhere.”

Sasuke blinks and, bit by bit, allows himself to relax. “I guess it’s just habit at this point.”

Tobi laughs, far too breathy to be classified under his regular giggle. “I’m touched.” He stands, dusting himself off with far more attention than is truly necessary. “Anyway, the point is, as far as the world is concerned, Uchiha Sasuke is currently lackey number one for Orochimaru.”

Frowning, Sasuke stares down at the scroll still held tightly in his hand. “That’s bad, isn’t it?”

Tobi doesn’t reply, so Sasuke looks up to try and read him.

“You said the only way this works is with anonymity. That we can’t afford to have villages sticking their noses where they don’t belong.” Sasuke gestures at the scroll, his gut heavy with something he doesn’t want to acknowledge as dread. “This is the exact opposite of anonymity.”

Tobi is watching him, his eye fixed on Sasuke’s every movement as if he is staring into Sasuke’s soul. He doesn’t reply immediately, doesn’t move beyond the brief flickers of his Sharingan analyzing Sasuke’s every twitch.

Whatever he sees, it must be good enough.

“No, Sasuke,” Tobi says, his voice a serious baritone rather than the high-pitched insanity he pitches whenever they’re in public. “This is anonymity at its finest.” He turns, heads towards the edge of town, pointed east. Over his shoulder, he tosses out, “After all, if they’re expecting you to be burning down villages, they won’t be looking for you to be hunting missing-nin.”

Sasuke, stunned for a brief moment, has to trot to catch up, falling into step with the man before belatedly shoving his hands into his pockets in an attempt to appear less eager.

Making sure to pitch his voice as disinterested as possible, Sasuke asks, “Where are we going then?”

Though he can’t see it, Sasuke is convinced that Tobi is wearing a shark’s grin under his mask. “Ever wanted to be ANBU, Sasuke-chan?”

Confused, Sasuke doesn’t reply.

The lack of a reply doesn’t throw Tobi off for a single moment. He throws his hands in the air, waving ecstatically. “We should get Orochimaru-sama flowers for being such a great help, ne, Sasuke-chan?”

One of the funniest Itachi stories ever, wherein a series of comical accidents makes him seem like a genius when he really isn't, and now he's stuck dealing with the consequences.

Summary: Itachi isn't the man everyone thinks he is. He's not brave. He's not a hero. He's not a martyr. He's not even strong. He's just been in the wrong place at the right time for years.

Preview:

“I don’t even know what Father means by the Eye Of Hypnotism,” Itachi lamented one afternoon, watching Shisui dance around the training area, kunai flying gracefully from his fingers occasionally crashing into equally well thrown shuriken to ricochet into hidden targets. “It’s part of how the Sharingan forms genjutsu,” Shisui explained, “Have you made any progress with genjutsu?”

“No, but I am fairly convinced Father is having a psychotic break.” Itachi sighed, “He thinks I’m forming some kind of illusion where death thrums in the ears of those affected. I didn’t realise he was able to hear how loud my heart was beating.”

Shisui laughed. “That's bonkers. Ooh! We should give it a name!”

“What? No! I need to come out with the truth!”

“How does ‘Death Call' sound? Or ‘The Itachi Engine'?”

If you've read Dreaming of Sunshine, this is a hilarious crack-fic of Team 7 in the past and everyone stuck in Kakashi's body. It's ridiculously funny.

Preview:

"So," Shikako started, "priorities. We need to decide what to do from here."

Naruto raised his hand, like he was back in the Academy and making Iruka's day by following a rule for once. "I vote we go to Konoha." 

"Idiot. We can't go to Konoha," Sasuke snapped and tried to put his hand back down.

"Why not?!" Naruto snapped back and tried to put his hand back up. There was a brief scuffle as the two fought, Kakashi's right hand jerking up and down in the air before Shikako intervened. "We really shouldn't. What are we even going to say to them? Nobody's going to believe us."

"Why wouldn't they? Hokage-jiji would totally listen to us!"

"Is he even Hokage right now? And even if he is, did you forget about fucking Danzo right next to him?"

"Ewww, you bastard!"

"Why are you-, shut up you stupid idiot! You know I didn't mean it like-"

"How about," Kakashi interrupted, drier than a desert during drought, "we stop talking out loud, for one?"