Black Barbie

I wanna know what turns you on

I wanna know (so I can be all that and more)

I'd like to (I'd like to know what makes you cry)

So (so I can be the one who always makes you smile)

Make you smile, babe

Tell me what I gotta do to please you

Baby, anything you say I'll do

'Cause I only want to make you happy

From the bottom of my heart, it's true

AND I LOVE IT

He still had so much life to live and they took him from us. He finally felt like he could perform again and was never given the chance to. He suffered so much. The lack of medical knowledge from the world. The lack of proper doctors with morals. He was surrounded by people that didn't see him as a person. All of my grief is laced with anger. He should've left naturally, not like this.

I was hoping I wouldn't enter this stage of grief today but it's been simmering all day. My stomach and chest hurts so bad. Michael deserved so much more than what he got.

My only saving grace is the knowledge that he isn't in pain anymore. That he's reunited with Bill and Tito. That he can be happy without having to look over his shoulder or question those around him.

Somehow 17 years has passed since you left this earth. I grew up hearing your songs. My memories of childhood are hazy due to CPTSD but one of the few that aren't is watching Thriller for the first time at 5 years old. I remember being scared yet fascinated. My fear of zombies didn't overcome my love of the song. Another memory I have is being mentally and emotionally broken while admitted to a mental ward at the hospital at 13. One of your songs came on the radio and I saw the light for the first time in months. You became my anchor. Little by little I started feeling joy again. Without your music I don't know where I would be. My love for Peter Pan developed shortly after that. To me, you are Peter Pan. By this time you had been gone physically for 2 years but your spirit felt alive.

Now 17 years after your passing I'm finding peace within your music again. I'm singing and trying to find joy again. Now that I'm older I understand why I latched on to you. Michael, your music is so healing. It feels like being wrapped in a hug. You make me feel seen. Who you are as a person is healing. You showed that no matter how dark this world gets to always be kind, to be a light. You never dimmed even when you hid. You never changed who you were despite everyone screaming at you to. You lived your life helping the innocents of this world. You make me want to be brave and soft. This world did everything they could to tear you down because they didn't understand you. People wanted to dim your light because they didn't understand it or wanted it for themselves.

I've spent the last month relearning you as an adult, grieving you, crying for you, seeing myself in you. I wish you were physically here to see how much we love you and how much you mean to us. That there are people on this earth who DO understand you. I hope that spiritually you know.

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Michael

My applehead

My angelface

My Peter Pan