BLAACK MAMBA

the relief when you said you loved me back. the rush of you moving in. the joy of seeing you every morning when I woke up. the purity of you saying that you’d always be mine no matter what. the excitement of moving out.

the heartbreak when you said you cheated. the distrust when you said you’d never do it again. the pain of knowing I wasn’t enough and the misery of knowing we’d never be the same.

the pride when we came back swinging. the strength of a second chance. the promise we’d make it all the way this time. the thought of growing old together. the bliss of our new dog. the idea that everything was finally normal again.

the realisation I was ready to marry you. the realisation that you were done. the pain of packing boxes, folding clothes and taking photos down. the blackness of being alone again. the jealousy of the boys in our bed. the anger that you didn’t try. the shock of our happy ending disappearing.

the hope that you’ll come home one day. the reality that you won’t. the difficulty understanding why you don’t want to be loved. the annoyance of being replaced with nobody’s. the ignorance of waiting for you to message, call, regret your decision.

the end of a feeling that won’t exist again. the end of the thrill, the end of an era.

it’s easy to wish we never met but I would embrace this heartbreak all over again to start from the start.

when you opened that door I knew I’d love you forever.

People say it’s selfish and cruel, and to be honest I understand that. You end your own pain and, in turn, you inevitably inflict a world of pain on others. But I’ve always been taught that it’s okay to be selfish sometimes.

I’ve woken up nearly every day for 10 years now and wondered if I can live through another day or night or another shift at work, another fight, another sickness, another heartbreak, another loss. It’s this twisted battle in your own mind that tells you to soldier on and give up at the same time, and to be honest it can get too much to handle.

I have a wonderful family, wonderful friends, an ex girlfriend who I care about very much, a dog, a roof over my head, clothes on my back and hot food in front of me. It’s not about not appreciating these things, it’s not about having an inability to recognise the great parts of your life. It’s about the fact that no matter how much happiness you experience, no matter how much love and joy you feel - it just doesn’t outweigh the sadness in your mind and your heart. You can only experience so much sadness before your mind tells you to just vacate.

I’ve tried to leave this place before - unsuccessful.

I learnt a lot from that experience but it didn’t teach me to grab life by the balls like it probably should have.

I cry every day. I hurt every day. When I’m alone I am at my worst but when I’m with people I just want to be alone. Nothing ever makes sense and nothing is logical. You can laugh one moment and then your brain forces you to think about something that makes you unhappy again because feeling happy is too abnormal. Every time I feel pure joy I take it away from myself. If I wake up and don’t feel horrible I just wonder how long it will last.

This world is starting to feel too big for me again.

I don’t belong and to be honest I don’t want to.