Thoughts.

Last night I had a dream about you and this girl friend of yours. She actually is winona. I slowly realized who she was but I didn't know what's her name in my dream. She wanted to sleep with you at night. I got really mad. Actually, all the trust I had for you just vanished into thin air. I was really heartbroken. 

Being so far away. I get jealous easily. I realize being with him in college has cause me desperately need to be beside him. I'm addicted to him. I begin to feel like I am dependent of him. I feel lonely without him. I feel like i want to be right next to him every now and then. I get jealous of who his with. 

Reality sucks

We are 5 hours away from each other. 

Long distance relationship again...

I am not suppose to be like this. Why am I like this. I feel less spontaneous without him. sigh. This is really a bad sign. I really want someone snap me out of this. I really don't want to feel without him I will have no confidence in myself. This sucks. 

I need to be more confidence with myself. I need to be more independence. I hate depending on men. They makes you feel like you always need them. I understand there are times, they are the only solution out there to fix an issue. But vast majority of the time, i don't think I need to depend on them. 

I want to be innocent again. You probably wonder what I mean by that. I wrote so much one sided things about myself. About how I feel and my thoughts about certain situations. I bet you probably noticed majority of those thoughts were pretty negative. Not ugly though. I didn't wrote Sh** about anyone. But actually, it's still pretty ugly to me.

Why?

All the stuff I wrote really never mentioned the other side of what a guy might think. What his thoughts are about every situation. 

So here are a list of my imperfection from my unofficial sweetheart

He said, "Babe..."

you always take it to the extreme of everything as if there is no end. If things don't happen the way you wanted to be. You give a fit and get mad until the thing you want happens

You're a bit too bossy. 

you're too emotional

So I wonder... Is it me that needs to change? Doesn't he have flaws as well?

Should I accept ... Should he accept the flaw that's within each of us and move on? 

Or...

Change for the better?

Or

Both?

It's really hard for me to change. Why can't i just accept his flaws and move on. 

It sucks to admit, but maybe I am bossy, and emotional, and all those crazy stuff. Maybe I'm just childish. Maybe I care a bit too much. "YES" I get jealous easily.

That is really hard to change at a split second. Maybe I shouldn't care or tried in a relationship. 

If I do that, probably none of these issues will appear I think....

It goes back to the question.... Maybe I'm really not ready for another relationship...

It's finally here! It's Christmas eve!!! Spending Christmas eve with him was suppose to be exciting and adventurous! He was going to make me dinner from appetizer, side dish, main dish, and desert. I was really happy when he had this idea of making me dinner. Until just a few minutes ago, I guess I was bothering him with baking.

Maybe I am just really emotional. I am for now just going to blame it all to my T.O.M. what else can I do. I want to cry out loud. But I can't. When his sister asked, "Are you alright?" Of course I'm fine. I can't cry nor yell. Just speechless. I really needed to type this stuff out of my mind, so I don't have to mention it later in front of him. Or else he will say, "Why do you always bring stuff up? Why can't you just let it go?" Is it that easy I wonder? I really don't know how to let go. It's hard... And  I don't want to let you know how I feel cause you will be sad. It's Christmas eve. I don't want anyone to be sad because of me. 

Thank you for coming up to see how I am doing. At least you noticed I was not in the room. 

"If i loved my girl a lot, I would totally give up on games without her asking me to"

I wish that happens to me. Instead of asking for a favor or a promise from him. I just want him to do it by himself. I know im feeling really emotional right now. But I really don't just want to keep him from doing what he love until he stop it for himself. 

I came all the way to where he lives, just to spent christmas with him. I wish he just not play games for a bit and realize to spent time with me. Or what's the point of me coming down right? 

"Treasure the time and moment when you're with that special someone is what truly counts. It's not about gifts or anything."