Tiny Tower taught me everything I know

Two mice were chewing on a film roll. One of them says: 'I think the book was better.'

When it's slow I like to watch the monitors for people on their phones running into things.

What do you guys feel like tonight? I feel like a unicorn.

Everybody get yo hands in the air! Wave 'em like you just washed yo hands and they outta paper towels!

This place has too many cameras! Big brother stop watching over my shoulder!

It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.

Some of you take selfies from so close up, I'm beginning to wonder if you're a T-Rex...

If we were thinking with portals then we wouldn't need these elevators.

Is it possible to feel like a sandwich?

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

Girlfriend said to me last night 'you treat our relationship like some kind of game!' Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.

If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don't love anything.

Does it disturb anyone else that "The Los Angeles Angels" baseball team translates directly to "the the angels angels"?