Bitch Please, Bitch Thank You

Q: Is it acceptable to invite more people to your wedding than may be accommodated, on the theory that inevitably some invitees will decline? Does it matter whether the limit is set by law, venue policy or logistical necessity?

Miss Manners says: How much of a gambler are you? Most people invite more people than they expect to accept because, unless you are hosting an all-expenses paid wedding in Venice, someone is going to decline. But once you have invited people, you are stuck with them. That is the rock. The hard place is that neither the law nor the venue will be moved by the fact that you invited more people than can be accommodated. Not knowing exactly what you mean by "logistical necessity," it is harder for Miss Manners to evaluate its elasticity. Assuming you fit within the law and the venue requirements, you will know better than Miss Manners if the guests will mind being packed in close enough that they have to be careful not to spill soup on one another -- they're your family and friends. This is why the A and B lists were invented.

Your Head Bitch says: Sure, if you have 5 people over the venue limit on the A list go ahead an invite them all knowing that a few people won't accept or bring plus ones, etc. But you absolutely do not invite 400 people cold to a venue with a 250 person limit knowing some will decline. Finessing a wedding guest list is like landing a plane. One doesn't simply drop out of the sky into exactly the right number. You ease it in, bit by bit. Does this mean you need to send out your A list invites quite early in order to not be inviting people offensively late? Yes, it absolutely does. But that's life. To pull it off with aplomb, one needs to plan ahead. As Miss M says, once you invite them there are no take-backs. So be strategic.

Q: When is the proper time to attach an anniversary band to your wife's wedding band?

Miss Manners says: While you are still married.

Your Head Bitch says: As these are the purview of people who are attempting to sell jewelry, and not something that manners has a say on, it's difficult to answer. Though Your Head Bitch will give it more of a go than Miss M. I would say your assorted 5 or 10 year anniversaries are a good bet. But I might also suggest it's a kind thing to consider if, for example, she is pregnant, and a size up might fit more comfortably. These would not be worn together, necessarily, but would provide her with a comfortable alternative during a relatively uncomfortable time. DO NOT ADVERTISE that it is a size up. Simply play dumb, and if it happens to fit better, that's a 'lucky' break. Be prepared to offer to have it re-sized at a later date if needed.

Q: Is it impolite to send a handwritten note as an RSVP when directed on the wedding invitation to use a QR code instead?

Miss Manners says: No, it is not impolite. That it will also annoy the hosts is just butter on the bread.

Your Head Bitch says: Eeeeehhhhh. I wold argue that it's not impolite -- it is, of course, the perfectly correct way to RSVP to a wedding invitation. However, I slightly take issue with the doing it with the intention of annoying the host, which feels needlessly petty to me. Which is to say, it's not impolite, but it is inconsiderate. Would your Head Bitch put a QR code on an invitation? Never. I shudder at the thought of how ugly it would look. However, I do understand why they might do it (costs, the need to inquire about additional questions like allergies, meal choice, etc.), and do not feel 'annoying' the happy couple should be a stated goal here. I might say in my note something about struggling to work the code, and how happy you are to attend. Surely their grandmother did the same. But this contriteness is slightly important, as you have also created an additional task for them in terms of needing to follow up with you about whatever else the website might have asked, and you should not necessarily feel morally superior about that, okay? They don't necessarily need an extra task in this moment.

BPBTY is taking the day off for the holiday! But if you're American, be careful with bbq sauce near your white linen. If you're not, we love you too and see you next week. xo, HB

Q: There are so many etiquette rules stifling the truth. You're not allowed to say that you had a terrible time at a party, that someone is ugly, that you hated a gift, etc. Don't you believe in free speech

Miss Manners says: Of course Miss Manners, an American and a journalist, believes in free speech. She also believes in having the good sense to realize that you don't always need to exercise it. And that is because she also believes in maintaining the peace.

Your Head Bitch says: Primarily I believe in not being a dick. What purpose does the truth actually serve in this situation? To make someone else feel shitty about something they can't change? What does that gain you? The shining glow of 'telling the truth'? Congrats, I guess? Of course freedom of speech still exists. You can say what you want, but everyone else will think you're a dick. And that's their right as well. Then at least I guess you don't have to worry about being invited to parties you might hate? If you want to take the hardest path possible through this world, that's your business.

Q: It is like a compulsion for many people to forward emails they've received, usually filled with jokes and such. To my surprise, many seem to enjoy those emails. I stopped everybody from forwarding me those emails by telling them the truth: If I want jokes, I will buy a book of jokes. I have TV sets, radios, newspapers and all kinds of ways I can get the latest news from around the world. I also have a computer that gives me everything I want and need, but when I want and need it. Some of my friends were surprised at my decision. "Oh, but my jokes are SO funny!" they tell me, but I never lost an interesting correspondent by telling them not to send me any forwarded messages. I delete them right away.

Miss Manners says: So you already have a solution. You just want to admonish your humorless friends and boast about how dispensable they are? Yes, the practice of forwarding these emails can be annoying. But if that is your test for good companionship, Miss Manners fears you will have a lonely life of censoring everyone you know. Because bad taste in humor (or more accurately, taste that is something other than your own) is not just confined to inboxes, but to all social situations, even (especially) familial ones. One would think it would be easier just to humor the humorless and quietly delete their emails, rather than obliterate the relationship with their senders.

Your Head Bitch says: Girl. Did you respond every time someone sent you a chain letter in middle school and tell them to lose your address? These are just chain letters for old people. No one is actually counting the replies to these things (well, maybe the chain letters from your youth...), they simply want to send them. Let them have the joy of sending them and you can have the joy of deleting them without admonishing them for being bores. If someone says to you 'Didn't you get my email?', which trust me, they won't, you can say something like 'oh, you send so many, I'm sure I must have seen it but I don't remember specifically.' This might encourage them to cut down, but don't bank on it. You can simply let people have their fun without ruining their day. It's actually the kinder solution.

Q: When my husband died, his old girlfriend crawled out of the woodwork and wrote a tribute on his memory page about their "relationship from years in the past." This was extremely hurtful to me. I feel like writing a response to her in the comment section of what she wrote.

Miss Manners says: Please don't. Let your friends be outraged on your behalf while you take the high ground. This woman is entitled to her experience, if indelicate about where and how she expressed it. This may, in Miss Manners' mind, be an excellent reason for keeping those memory books confined to a private audience.

Your Head Bitch says: Yikes. But my advice for you would be that there is power in silence. You don't need to stoop to responding publicly or demanding an apology or withdrawal or anything like that. Remember -- she may have been an ex-girlfriend, but you were the wife. No one would confuse the two roles, and neither should you. I'm sure she thought she was writing a kind memorial -- you should simply ignore it publicly and if anyone mentions it to you you can feel free to roll your eyes to them and say something like, 'I'm sure he would have been touched to have learned he made such an impression on someone he had not seen in years' and leave it at that.

Q: My husband always leaves the meat on his plate for the end. I hate that. Is that bad etiquette? It reminds me of my parents' day, when meat was scarce in people's homes and they held it to the end to enjoy it more.

Miss Manners says: There is no etiquette rule about the order of eating things on your plate -- and yet Miss Manners would think the enjoyment would lessen by its getting cold -- or, in times of real scarcity, stolen by one's dinner companion.

Your Head Bitch says: I would agree it's strange, if that helps? As Miss M says, it must get cold. But there is indeed no order in which things must be consumed -- much to the chagrin of parents of children who want them to not eat things in a rota. Perhaps your husband is trying to cut back on meat? It's an admirable goal for our planet's sake, but only counts if you don't leave it behind and use it for a second meal. At least you know your husband isn't taking a GLP1 without telling you, I suppose! But I would say don't worry so much about it -- just enjoy your meal. As it's said, the only reason to look at someone else's plate is to make sure they have enough, not micromanage their eating habits.

Q: Could you please suggest a way of saying something is stylishly sophisticated or upscale other than "classy"? While widely used, it seems to me anything but.

Miss Manners says: "Classy" is, Miss Manners agrees, somewhat vulgar (a word badly in need of being revived). We do not have hereditary classes here; we have economic classes. And anyone who thinks those in the top brackets are modeling good behavior is not paying attention. For that matter, the same is true in societies with hereditary class systems. You have only to read the headlines about foreign royalty to squelch the fantastic notion that their behavior is exemplary, or even acceptable. In her vast experience monitoring civility, Miss Manners has observed that high standards, although perhaps rare everywhere, are just as likely, or perhaps even more likely, to be found among the lower as among the upper brackets. Are the terms "tasteful" and "civilized" too tepid for what you want to convey?

Your Head Bitch says: If we're talking about describing a person, Your Head Bitch is partial to soignée, but will also allow elegant, stylish, or chic. If you're talking abut a place, both elegant and chic still apply, though you can also try alternatives like tasteful, high end, or refined. I don't have a problem with classy in moderation, but can understand why some people do. Get our your thesauruses, nerds!

Q: I have an unusual first name. When I am introduced to a new acquaintance, often they will make a comment. When the comment is, "What a pretty name!" or "How lovely!" it is easy to respond with, "Thank you." But when the comment is, "Oh that's different," how does one respond? "Yes" seems a bit weak.

Miss Manners says: Well, it's a weak remark that doesn't deserve much of a response. But you could say, "Isn't that what names are for? To differentiate individuals?" However, we are in an era of imaginative names. Miss Manners would think that the people who are most likely to encounter that silly comment are those who are named Susan or John or Mary or Thomas or Linda or Gary or Carol or Arthur or ...

Your Head Bitch says: Sigh. People really can be so ignorant to how things come off sometimes, can't they? Personally, I wouldn't change anything in how you respond except the intonation. Replying 'Thank you?' will snap them into realizing that what they have said is actually pretty weird and kind of rude, and they will then likely follow up by saying it's pretty, etc. So be prepared to follow up yourself with 'It was my great aunt's name!' (or whatever) when they do. Otherwise, I might recommend something like 'I've never liked to go with the crowd' if you don't want to take the conversation further and just want to move on. But please, people, just be normal!

Q: I have received no acknowledgment for the substantial gift that I sent to a grandniece for her graduation. No text, no phone call, no written note. How rude would you consider it if I were to send her a box of girly thank-you notes with one stamped and addressed to myself?

Miss Manners says: Why girly? Does that, in your mind, add extra insult? Sorry, Miss Manners is focusing on the wrong thing. As infuriated as you might be not to be acknowledged for a present at any price point, you still may not openly admonish your grandniece. You may, however, ask the girl's parents if she received it -- which, in a perfect and polite world, would prompt them to apologize profusely and get her to write a letter at once. In lieu of that, you may elect not to give presents in the future, which would perhaps teach her the lesson over the long run. Or you could give her that stationery as a totally unrelated present after a period of time -- as long as the addressed and stamped one is not included. The relative girliness is up to you.

Your Head Bitch says: It is at once too subtle and yet also too petty. The point is likely to be missed, and you won't get a thank you note for this either, which will only upset you more. Miss M is right -- the course of action here is a time-honored one. Narcing the child out to her parents in order to get them to nag her into sending the note so you don't have to. I'm sorry to say this note will not please you either, because it will feel forced. However, you can probably rest easier knowing an important lesson has been learned. You may, or may not, also chose to no longer send gifts to her to make your point, if you wish, though she might miss this too. I guess it just depends how close you wish to be with this grand-niece over the long run. But just remember that rudeness is dictated by your actions, not those of others. You can meet rudeness with pettiness, which makes things worse, or you can take the high road. But meeting rudeness with pettiness is just rudeness in another form, isn't it?

Q: I have inherited about two dozen tiny cotton napkins, about 12 inches square. They have lovely embroidery in one corner and scalloped hems, making them meditative to iron. I have occasionally used them under a lamp on a side table as they are so pretty. Since they are so small, I can't imagine how they are used at the table. I have plenty of linen dinner napkins.

Miss Manners says: And now you have luncheon napkins -- or, if you don't give dainty luncheons, large cocktail napkins. The advantage of the latter is that you do not have to keep ironing them because, Miss Manners notices, everyone gives them back unused.

Your Head Bitch says: For me, these are exclusively cocktail napkins, I would not use them for a luncheon. You place these next to your cocktail plates at a party, which people will use to graze on their finger foods while mingling. The small napkins will be used to wipe their fingies and dab daintily at their lips. You know how when you get a passed app at a cocktail party they hand you a small napkin? This is the same thing, just not disposable. Throw a cocktail party, baby!

Q: Is it inappropriate to take fake flowers from arrangements after an event? For example, a birthday party or graduation?

Miss Manners says: It is wrong to strip the decor after attending an event unless asked to do so by the host. But Miss Manners would have thought that the whole justification for fake flowers is that they may be reused.

Your Head Bitch says: Yes. Your Head Bitch has always had issues with people taking live flowers from events -- as Miss M says, unless expressly asked to do so by the host, don't. And to be clear-- they should ask you, you should not ask them. But this is especially true if the flowers are fake. They are clearly intended and purchased to be reused. At that point, it's not recycling, it's stealing. Don't do it.

Q: I am sufficiently old-school that I will sometimes answer a phone call from an unfamiliar number for which no caller ID is displayed, rather than letting it go to voicemail. If I say hello, and the caller asks to speak to (name), is it rude of me to reply by asking, "Who is calling, please?" Also, does it matter whether the name the caller asks for is my own, or that of my spouse? If the unknown caller asks for me by name, I prefer to know who is calling before deciding whether to proceed with the call. That seems a wise precaution against scammers and telemarketers, but I do not want to be rude or abrupt with other callers. My wife and I have different phone numbers, but it is not uncommon that a caller reaches me despite intending to call her. I do not wish to be, nor to sound like, a gatekeeper handing the phone to her only if I approve of the caller. But I would like to tell her who is calling, so that she can decide whether she wants to take the call or not. Please advise.

Miss Manners says: It is not rude to ask callers to identify themselves, nor to say, "May I tell her who is calling?" on behalf of your wife -- as long as she is agreeable to it. Miss Manners would think she would be grateful for the gatekeeping if she is spared talking to a solicitor -- or a scammer falsely telling her she will be arrested unless she pays out thousands. Which, since these are generally the two categories of unfamiliar numbers, begs the question of why you are answering these calls in the first place.

Your Head Bitch says: I too am old school, but you don't see me out here answering unidentified number calls! Basically no good can come of that these days, so Your Head Bitch joins Miss M in imploring you not to do that. If it's important, they will leave a message. If they don't, that strongly implies it was a machine on the other end of the line, and you neither want nor need to speak to them. But if you insist on carrying on with answering the phone willy-nilly, there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking callers politely to identify themselves before going ahead with the call. They have intruded on your day, not the other way around, and are not, by default entitled to more of your time than you are willing to give. No one who is calling to not spam you or sell you something will take it amiss, which again tell you everything you need to know.

Q: Is it rude to read over someone's shoulder?

Miss Manners says: More likely infuriating. If you try to do so and the reader's shoulders hunch up, Miss Manners advises you to stop immediately.

Your Head Bitch says: Girl, yes. Mind your business. Unless it's a letter or a text addressed to both of you and you know the other person well enough for them to tell you to read it at the same time, keep your nose out of other people's correspondence. If you need to know, they'll tell you, and if you don't, they'll regret the intrusion that much more.