Us and Our Terrible, Wonderful Ideas

But probably no way in hell is this going to happen

1- Go to a rooftop bar after work and meet up with three of my closest female friends. I will be wearing one of those light shifty dresses with almost no stains, the kind that blows in the breeze and is gently floral. “Annnnn Taylorrrr” the wind will whisper. I will only order one drink and it will be a European beer that smells like grapefruit and whatever “enjoy responsibly”tastes like. My friends and I will get rosy-cheeked (NOT drunk) as we pull brand new Clinique lip-glosses out of our large white leather purses and the sweat that drips out of us will smell like freesia. Hahahaha our laughs will tinkle in the falling sunlight.

2- Have the kind of bbq party where beer pong is not played. Maybe one that has lantern lights, very “that scene in 500 Days of Summer” but with less “GIRLS SUCK, HUH” and you would naturally replace JGL with turkey burgers and grilled zucchini. The dip wouldn’t get smeared all over tables. Nobody would piss in the backyard. Not one person would piss in the backyard, all the piss would be replaced with “I must have this quinoa recipe”and “pass the Cava sparkler.”

3- Go to the beach in an outing where I don’t burn the fuck out of my lower body because sand is literally just fire rocks in the summer. Instead, I will wear a retro bikini and get a perfectly safe and SPF-d tan that accentuates my hot pink nails on many an Instagram filter

4- Buy an air conditioner and not die

5- Find the perfect pair of denim shorts that a) don’t ride up my ass b) show off my privates when I am sitting open-legged like the toddler I am c) never need to be washed ever

6- Accomplish “beach waves” and not “haha that poor girl had salt poured in her hair and now I guess small invisible animals are attempting to dreadlock it”

7- Eat ice cream like a human being instead of smearing it all over my hands in some sort of weird scene from my new movie Planet of the Apes 4: We Are The Apes directed by Tim Burton

8- Walk from my door to any other place nearby and not cause a physical stink from my odor and sweat

9- Restrain myself from attacking people who wear really ornate sandals with kitten heels

10- Stop wearing so much eyeliner it doesn’t make sense in this weather

11- Listen to LFO’s Summertime

12- Get outside the house and enjoy the weather, not just another incessant television marathon peppered with drool over the internet

13-Go to a food festival in Brooklyn. Eat a lobster roll, four pork rolls, a fried chicken sandwich, ramen, food trend, taco, food trend, food trend, eat this miso you bitch, locavore, farm-to-table, look at this guy with a cool pig tattoo, drive away with a food truck, artisanal, SLAW, artisanal slaw, I will eat you all and despair

14-Romantic exotic beach date with blue water and my sweet piece’o’pie while I drink pina coladas and bloat on a Caribbean Island like a whale but HEY I don’t have any MONEY guess it’s Coney Island

15- Ride a rollercoaster with my hands up smiling and not praying to a sweet God for relief and also how I want to keep my hands

16- Find the ice cream truck, dispose of the ice cream truck and its incessant jingly death music

17-Become a firework, baby I’m a firework or whatever song Katy Perry releases this summer that I can desire to stop listening to but never can

18-Read all the books in the WORLD or at least think of one I actually wanted to read and now cannot remember the title of

19-Go on a juice-and-mini-bagel-and-other-foods-fast to get a bikini body, which I get by putting on a bikini and feeling really NICE about the whole thing. FEEL GOOD FEEL GOOD (EAT SALAD SOMETIMES) FEEL GOOD STOP POURING HATERADE ON YOUR NICE BODY.

20-Go to baseball games and PAY ATTENTION to things around me other than the beer

How to play: Put in your Scott Pilgrim DVD, Blu-Ray, or whatever you use to watch it. Each drink is meant to be consumed after an ex is defeated. You can either mix drinks before hand, or after you’re finished your current if you’re short on glasses. Overall, the containers needed would be:

4 Shot Glasses

2 Drinking Glasses

1 Double Shot Glass

You can get away with having one of each as well, just making it easier I guess. :P

So onto the drinks.

Matthew Patel - The Fireball

Captain Morgan’s.

Top with Bacardi 151

CAUTION! : This shot, CAN be lit on fire. If you decide to do so BE CAREFUL. Originally we had it in the recipe that they needed to be lit, but we had a BIG issue putting them out. For this reason, I heavily advise NOT TO IGNIGHT YOUR SHOT UNLESS YOU ARE 100% SURE OF WHAT YOU’RE DOING!

Lucas Lee - The Grind

Shot of Jagermeister

Cup of Red Bull (We used NOS, but traditionally these are done with Redbull)

When Lucas Lee gets on the rail, drop the shot glass into the redbull, and chug. If you don’t finish it by the time he’s KO’d, you need to start over.

Todd Ingram - Fair Trade Blend with Soy Milk

1 shot of Vodka

1 shot of Bailey’s

1 shot of Kahlua

Mix in Silk Soy Milk. (Chocolate if you want it to look like Coffee)

Roxy Richter - The Sexy Phase

1/2 shot of Buttershots

1/2 shot of Bailey’s

Ken and Kyle Katayanagi - The Twin Dragons

1 shot Momokawa Diamond

1 shot Momokawa Pearl

Layer the 2 on top of one and other in a double shot glass.

Gideon Gordon Graves - GGG Bomb

1/2 shot Grey Goose Vodka