🌠

‘by talos this can’t be happening’? no, friend. through talos all things are possible. have faith.

this lettuce smells like dog

you bought dog lettuce

i show a neanderthal a doom metal album and they understand implicitly. they pick up a bass guitar and start to play it instinctually

Was made to groove

my man

SLUT WORLD IS UNDER ATTACK

"you gotta play with the cards you're dealt" WRONG. i play pot of greed which lets me draw two additional cards from my deck

I don’t get laid at all!

HEY

I can tell my evil advisor has been feeling down lately so I've been pretending to take big sips from his cursed chalice and then roaming the palace grounds groaning and clutching my abdomen. Lowkey I know it's deceptive but I can tell it's really cheering him up. I heard him evilly cackle for the first time in weeks. WIBTA if I keep doing this

the ear nose and throat being all connected is so heinous

worst throuple ever and the sex is disgusting!!!

I’m gonna kill (remembers suicide jokes are bad for my mental health) someone else (remembers murder is bad) on accident (realizes it’s not an accident if I say I’m gonna do it) and I know because I’m from the future (remembers lying is bad) no I’m not (feels guilty) I’m so so sorry (remembers actions speak louder than words) (does a backflip)