The Bipolar Christian Widow

This comment was posted by somebody in one of my mental health support groups... So, believe it or not, we know we look 'crazy' the issue is that we often disassociate when we are manic like this so... We do things that are uncharacteristic and often can be dangerous, we say things we don't mean but the worst part is we don't remember any of it. So the result will vary but for some, it warrants a full cleanout of all social media. I have friends who will often abandon accounts just to avoid the embarrassment of the carnage left behind one of these manic episodes.

Personally, I've lost friends, pissed off coworkers and even family block me... You name it. I get manic a lot... I'm cyclothymic with rapid and mixed features. Sometimes I get lucky and only score the euphoria in my mania but most of the time I just get irritable, have major insomnia and my favorite symptom... I overpost over all of my social media.

By now I've gotten the political and religious overtones under control for the most part, and I've learned to not engage in debates with people over politics. I've even gone so far as to hide those who post about politics which means I just don't see it anymore. I'm protecting us both.

When I come out of my manic fog often I return to 6 or more missing 'friends' and at least one family member is annoyed with me.

This is why I choose to isolate... I have been known to have this behavior in person which is the most dangerous. This is also why I write, advocate and am so vocal. In addition, I have an app on my phone that tells me when people delete me from various social media, who they are and when. Be warned, if you're my 'friend' and I liked you... Even a little bit I will DM you to get feedback and ask 'why'? Often the feedback is very telling of your misinterpretation, impatience and often clear ignorance to this illness. Not to worry, it gives me ideas to write about.

I find human nature fascinating so if I do create this scenario I almost always ask. I no longer get my feelings hurt and absolutely none of it surprises me. I simply allow it to make me stronger, it fuels my mission to help others and stomp the stigma!

#WordsOfWisdomWednesday

As someone who struggles with bipolar disorder, it can often be difficult to focus. That is because my brain competes to work first at the speed of light then at the speed of sound. It never ever stops, not even when I try to sleep.

This creates chaos in the brain which presents a bit like ADHD. I am unable to find one thought to focus on let alone a task. So I must make lists which clutter the entire house.

I have written lists, lists on my phone, virtual lists, calendar lists, post-it notes and lists in my head that I try to reconcile with the lists that I leave all over the house.

Honestly tho, at the end of the day, not much of it has been accomplished. However, that is never for a lack of trying. I simply overextend myself and because I am a perfectionist I feel like I can either do it right or not do it at all. Spoiler alert, I usually end up not doing any of it at all.

What makes matters worse as a widow is that I am still single, also not for lack of trying... and honestly the effort from random strange men that dip into my private messenger would have proven otherwise if I A- had time to stop and 'chat' with you or B- 'cared'

And I am also trying to start and run a full-time business so... Let this serve as a PSA. I have over a dozen friend requests a day go unanswered, the ones I accept (if a man) usually DM me straight away.

Guys, little tip: Don't do that to me or any woman, it is a lot like getting an unsolicited dicpic... we don't like it. And just like those... we share screenshots of it with other women to compare. XOXO

As a #widow... We have some of the strangest #dreams. We actually look forward to dream land tho, it is a great escape from the real world. Dream me is a goddess. I'm in love again and I often have a horse. (I'm scared of horses)

I love to dream about Eric but that happens so rarely. I used to attempt lucid dreams in order to try and see him but then I learned that can be dangerous. 😳 So I don't do that anymore.

Last night I had a "coming of age" dream about my preteen in which she was saying the words my older adult daughters have said to me many times... Nasty, snarky and even off-colored cuss words that I hate. I even got a "Mom I eff-word-ing hate you! She had a snarky 'I want to punch you in the throat' attitude and demeanor towards me that I found terrifying. At one point she towered over me... And I'm 5'7' so that is scary.

So, what did this grown-ass, 44-year-old, worldly-wise dream mom do? I pulled on her pigtail side braids to get her face close enough so I could whisper in her ear: "Listen you little snot-nosed brat..." Then... I WOKE UP.

I didn't get the satisfaction of 'telling her off' not that I even know what I was about to say... But I have a few issues with that:

1- My kid is a tomboy but also mixed with a sprinkle of 'the hot girl next door' she is a perfect amalgam between her older sisters. However ...she would never wear pigtail side braids.

2- Why is dream me so aggressive...?! Am I latently angry at my kid?

3- Why didn't I get to finish my angry out loud thoughts, inside of my dream? I wanted to know what I want to say!

We are rewatching #StrangerThings to get caught back up so we can #bingewatch season 3... You know how you always catch things you missed the first time? Well... We caught an #EasterEgg.

Riddle me this: Why does papa look like he has a tripod in this picture? Watch the first 5 minutes of the episode prior to the intro.

#ThatWasDeliberate

#Season1Episode5

#11

#BipolarChristianWidow

#HidingInPlainSight