ABlog the Author

QUESTIONS I ASK MYSELF BEFORE POSTING ON  NEW HUMOR SITE

** Did I leave the water running?

** Did I leave the coffee maker on?

** Is FenFen still a funny reference?

** Is Freedent still on the market?

** Did I leave the water running to make coffee?

** Can I just make up shit?

** Does this look infected?

** Is it A cetylene torch, or AN acetylene torch?

** What do mean, “We’re a cashless venue?”

** Is Josh Shapiro all right? He hasn’t sent me an email in 10 minutes.

** Is “pinged me” hipper than “sent me an email?”

** Why do people, people I normally like, when I say, “You know, I watched a couple of episodes of “Schitt’s Creek” and I love everybody in it, but the show just didn’t do it for me…” always say right back, “Well, you need to get into the middle of the second season?”

** So, there’s a minimum, like a cabaret?

** Do I need to actually name the show?

** Can’t I just say, “Everybody seems to love ____________, but I just couldn’t get into it?”

** Everybody seems to love _______________. What is this, “Match Game ’78?”

** My point is, am I leaving myself open for a lawsuit?

** Is “What is this Match Game ’75?” a funnier year?

** If I get sued for defaming “Schitt’s Creek,” will it drive more traffic to this site?

** I’m way over 60. Should I be using phrases like “drive more traffic to this site?”

** What was the name of the woman who wasn’t funny at all who was a regular panelist on “Match Game ’78?”

** Why can’t I just placate my friends and say, “You know, you’re right. I’m gonna start over on Schitt’s Creek. What do I know?”

** Am I being condescending?

** I want to say her name was Joyce? Joyce Something?

** Is “condescending” too big a word for my friends?

** And what do I say when they say, “Hey, forget it. It’s not for everybody….” Oh, so all of a sudden, this is a restricted club?

** Does the traffic coming to this site know what a restricted club is?

** Is it more current for me to say, “Oh, so all of a sudden, this is the rope line at the China Club?”

** Is the China Club still open?

** Well, could you check?

** Was I ever on the list at the China Club?

** Well, could you check?

** Is there a more universal show for me to use, like “Fleabag?”

** But it didn’t happen with “Fleabag,” did it?

** Well, did it?

** Did you say something?  No? Yeah, I thought so.

Somebody sent me powder in the mail. Here’s what bothered me: It wasn’t my shade. I’m a No.7. How many times do I have to tell people?

Hope Hicks, please pick up the White Lie Courtesy Phone.

Hope Hicks resigned as White House Communications Director. Who would have thought there would be more job security as Rob Porter’s girlfriend?

Hope says she’s leaving to pursue other opportunities. Like Russian adoption.

Hope is leaving to pursue other opportunities. In the same way, Kevin Spacey left “House of Cards” to pursue other opportunities.

Hope is at an awkward age. Too old to be a model, too young to be a model prisoner.

The former model is leaving to host a new show: “America’s Top Material Witness.” (OR…. “Project Run Away.”)

Hope plans to spend time with her family in Connecticut, then with her syndrome in Stockholm.

Hope’s resignation came one day after she admitted to telling “white lies” on behalf of President Trump. If the lies had been any whiter, they would have been carrying tiki torches.

Hicks admitted to lying while being questioned before the House Intelligence Committee. Devin Nunes tried to come to her rescue by saying, “SHHHH!!!!! Out loud voice!”

Hope Hicks was in front of the House Intelligence Committee for nine hours. To be fair, half of that time was for costume changes.

Hope told the committee that Trump is prone to exaggeration. He doesn’t lie, he’s prone to exaggeration. He’s not racist. He’s bigot-adjacent.

Trump considered Hope a second daughter. Which is odd, because he considered his actual daughter Tiffany a second communications director.

Hicks could be replaced by Kellyanne Conway. Kellyanne Conway doesn’t look like someone you would hire as a communications director. She looks like someone you would hire to murder your daughter’s cheerleader rival.

Once Hope leaves, she may have to retain her own lawyer. You know who’s reasonable? That Better Call Saul guy.

“Better Call Saul,” of course, is a spinoff of “Breaking Bad.” And “Breaking Bad” was a spinoff of Sudafed.

The White House claims Hope has been thinking about leaving for months. Well, when youconsider each week there feels like a year, “months” works out to a day and a half. I believe them!

Many insiders believe Hope was so loyal she would be there to “turn out the lights.” Which raises the philosophical question: Can you turn out a light that is already out?

Yesterday, Donald Trump claimed we should physically grab the guns from the mentallyill. I wonder what that would look like. (DOCTORED VIDEO: Trump drinking water with both hands, replace glass with pistol.)

Did you see all the lawmakers complimenting Trump? When is he going to make the area up his ass a blow smoke-free zone?

Trump is considering legislation that would limit all magazines. Except the ones who kill stories from adult film stars.

Trump is going to put the full weight of his office behind gun reform. All (wink) 239 (wink) pounds…. I’m sorry. I have hysterical Jennifer Aniston dry eye.

Remember during the campaign, when Trump was under the impression that the first candidate to hit 270 on the scale won the election?

Trump refers to himself as “a big fan of the NRA.” He’s for comprehensive background checks, raising age limits and taking guns from the mentally ill. So, he’s an oscillating fan.

Trump can be all over the board on issues. He’s now believes the three exceptions to abortion should be rape, incest or pandering to a swing voter.

Trump has an A+ rating from the NRA. Tough to get. You have to sell 500 boxes of bullets door-to-door.

Trump is still talking about arming teachers. It’s all part of the 3Rs: Reading, Writing, Reloading.

Trump once confused “Sandy Hook” with “Hurricane Sandy.” So, give it another month, six weeks tops, before he refers to the school shooting at Marjorie Morningstar.

Hey, great news. At the 11th Hour, the Crisis Actors Guild settled with management. There will be no strike!

Once again, they’re talking about not letting people on the terrorist watch list have guns.  I’m old enough to remember when the terrorist watch list was a guy with a clipboard in front of the China Club. “No sorry… I don’t have anything for a Blind Shiek….”

Corporate America is responding on both sides of the issue. Dick’s Sporting Goods announced it would no longer sell assault weapons, while Six Flags unveiled a new thrill ride: Gun Show Loophole.

Dick’s Sporting Goods is no longer selling assault weapons. But they will continue to carry bump stocks that can turn your seven iron into a driver.

The House may invoke the Hastert Rule on gun reform. I thought the Hastert Rule had to do with the minimum number of naked high school wrestlers.

Gun control passing in the Senate is up to Mitch McConnell. Do you really want the safetyof our children in the hands of a guy who looks like he whistles when he takes a leak?

You know what would make the White House press conferences more entertaining? Everytime Sarah Sanders has to walk back a statement, they cue up “Billy Jean.”

More bad news for Jared Kushner. His spirituality clearance was downgraded from Orthodox to Reformed.

Jared Kushner’s security clearance was downgraded from Top Secret to Secret. The only designation that could be worse for Jared is traif.

I’m worried about Jared. If he’s indicted after sundown on Friday, will he have a goy flip for him?

Jared Kushner’s inexperience has made him easily to manipulate. He still thinks he can get the funding for 666 Fifth Avenue with a subprime loan from a Nigerian prince he’s been emailing with.

Let me sum up the Mueller investigation: 1) Did the Trump campaign have ties to Russia? 2) Were those ties made by children in China?

Robert Mueller is giving Trump a choice of where he can be questioned: The DOJ Building, the Oval Office, or Roy Cohn’s conference room in Hell.

Mueller may want to question Roger Stone. Every time I hear Roger Stone talk, I imagine Bill Belichick thinking, “I could use a man like that….”

Congratulations to Norway, which won the most medals at the Winter Olympics. So, if you think Trump wanted immigrants from there before….

Earlier today, Trump hosted an opioid summit. Opioid summit sounds like something you couldn’t get to the top of without a junkie sherpa.

Finally, some good news for Donald Trump. Twitter announced it’s six months away from perfecting a Russian bot than can pee on you.

Trump keeps a list of people who criticize him. Sure, it sounds childish, but on the bright side, I think Nixon has some royalties coming.

If Trump was any thinner skinned, he’d be carpaccio.

This is all part of Trump’s new movement to finally recognize the plight of narcissists: #mememetoo.

Last night, Jeff Sessions had dinner with Rod Rosenstein in Washington. In honor of Trump, they both ordered the Chef Word Salad.

For a guy under siege, Sessions has a pretty good sense of humor. When the waiter came over, he recused himself from the dessert menu.

This weekend, I am the keynote speaker at the CPAP convention. 3000 guys with apnea. The good news, if I’m boring and they fall asleep, it’s not for long….