Soulsborne Side blog

AWAY, AWAY!

YOU PLAGUE-RIDDEN RAT!

I'LL MESS UP YOUR BRAINS

CURSED BEAST!

IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!

YOU ARE NOT WANTED HERE!

here’s all the extra orn’s i did this past year =)

so I’m sure that many of you have already heard that the writer behind Dr Gears was recently diagnosed with kidney cancer. he’s a stay at home dad with four children (two of whom have autism) and cancer treatment is very expensive, so it’s a tough spot for he and his wife.

Sticky Paste

Cribblers

Boiled Cutlery

Steamed Mash

Oiled Tulips

Yorkshire Bucket

Oaty Wool

Bready Dampness

Mushy Orange

Peat

Soaked Gullet

Blood-Starved Beast

Welshman’s Horror

Steamed Boilings

Murky Bainbridge

Fried Miscellaneous

Oofy Bodgers

Crumpet Shreds

Boiled Grey

Spiceless Delight

Monkey-in-a-Dishrag

Swelly Cubits

Boiled Pizza

Tripe Cake

Bedfordshire Ripper

Marmy Klemp

Blooded Rag

Muffin o’Leary

Boiled Effuse

Sugary Twipples

Potted Ape

Stranglers

Game Journalists and Their Ilk: “It’s ableist to have a game be this hard!  It’s exclusionary!  It’s keeping people out of the hobby!”

Actual Disabled Gamers:

Stop using disabled people as a cudgel to spare your own ego and push your own agenda.  If you actually cared and respected people with disabilities, you’d not be advocating for ‘easy mode’ or ‘story mode’ under the guise of “ableism”, you’d be advocating for better control functions.

Me:

“ROUND TWO, ASSHOLE!”

Mario: Clearly has pent-up rage issues, and therefore weak to frenzy damage, but has proven combat chops. Chance of survival goes up if mario gets his hands on a kirkhammer. Biggest obstacle would be surviving the Brain of Mensis.

Donkey Kong: Immediate beasthood, followed by a mad bloodthirsty rampage through the streets of Yharnam. 

Link: Hunters do not normally employ shields, ineffectual against the strength of the beasts as they tend to be. Would likely survive but would have serious difficulty adapting to the hunt. Imbibing the beast blood would likely make Link unworthy of the master sword, and they would be forced to use hunters tools.

Samus: Chattering horrors beyond the ken of men would not phase samus in the slightest. Power suit would protect against most nonmagical attacks, but would likely have to re-purpose her weaponry to incorporate blood/silver/rending edges in some way due to limited power supply.

Dark Samus: Would be revered as a great one.

Yoshi: Most likely immedeate beasthood. Clutches of malformed reptilian children in some forgotten hole of the forbidden woods.

Kirby: Regularly defeats Moon Presence level threats. Would, quite literally, eat the world of bloodborne for breakfast. Poyo.

Fox: Firearms expert, cyber-prosthetic lower body, known to be skilled with melee weapons. A natural fit for the world of bloodborne and would make an excellent hunter. It should be noted that Mr McCloud is already technically half beast, it is unclear whether or not this would be an advantage or a disadvantage, though a soldiers discipline would serve him well.

Falco: A similar boat to fox, though his reckless, maverick nature could be his downfall were he not careful to resist the allure of the beastblood. 

Pikachu: Immdeate dark-beasthood. 

Luigi: A timid, but truly brave soul that already has a mountain of experience dispatching the uncanny. A cowardly exterior betrays a core of dedication and resolve. Would make an ideal Hunter-of-Hunters. 

Ness: Already defeated Great One level horrors and well acquainted the strange and violent. with  A spell-heavy tonitrus user.

Jigglypuff: Already a nightmare creature. Immediate, and powerful beasthood.

Peach: Has been possessed by an ancient and nameless horror from beyond the stars and escaped completely unscathed. Would locate the nearest cainhurst dress and stamp out the beast threat with style and poise. 

Daisy: Already harbors violent fantasies of death and blood. Would last roughly six minutes before giving in to the bloodlust and going mad. 

Bowser: Would survive the hunt and defeat the Moon Presence accidentally while trying to capture Peach. Literally too oblivious for the Old Blood to have any effect.

Ice Climbers: Bloodthirsty to the core. Would make serviceable hunters for a short while before succumbing. Would need to be put down by a hunter of hunters. 

Shiek: Schooling under impa would make shiek a deadly and precise ally during the scourge of beasts. A dark and storied past would serve as a source of resolve for her, even in the face of further horror. Would make an excellent hunter of hunters.

Zelda: At first one would think Zelda had all the trappings of a good hunter, her steady mind would do her well against the creeping bloodlust, but her thirst for knowledge and proclivity for the arcane would likely lead her to the clutches of Mensis, or even worse, the adherents of Kos herself. 

Dr Mario: The search for a cure is an ill fated one indeed. Like all the Yharnam healers before him, this is a story that would end in failure and tragedy. 

Pichu: Immedeate dark-beasthood.

Marth: A soldier, a warrior, a general. Would make an honorable and just hunter, fit for the service of Ludwig. However, night after night of comrades-turned-beast would take a toll on the mind. To valiant a heart for the gore and death of the Hunt.

Lucina: Well acquainted with the realities of war, and the living dead. Would fair better than Marth, but friends turned beast can become a curse on the night of the Hunt. 

Young Link: A young, flexible mind would likely adapt to the hunt better than his grown counterpart. Has already faced horrors on par with that of the Hunt. Lighter weaponry would be advisable. 

Gannondorf: Would immediately, and willingly, become a vassal of the Great Ones in return for power. 

Mewtwo: Would be revered as a great one, or mistaken for one. Would care little for the struggles of men, and would likely feel more at home among the beasts.

Roy: Roy has demonstrated the tact and strength of mind to continue with his duty in the face of overwhelming loss and tragedy. The Binding Blade would make quick work of the beastly scourge. Not zealous enough for the Executioners, but would make an excellent addition to the ranks of the League.

Mr Game and Watch: Already on par with the Great Ones. Goals and motivations are impossible to divine. 

Meta Knight: A true student of the martial arts with arcane powers. Meta Knight has no interest in anything but testing his blade against any who would answer to his challenge. Unfortunately has shown to be susceptible to possession in the past. Would make an excellent member of the League, but would likely go mad before too long.

Pit: Regularly defeats Great One level beings with the help of Palutena, but perhaps would not be prepared for the sheer amount of violence the Hunt would involve.

Dark Pit: Might as well have an open application for malevolent gods to control him.

Zero Suit Samus: Lightly armored expert with a firearm that doubles as a whip weapon who regularly blows holes in gibbering horrors from beyond the stars. Would have Moon Presence dead in two hours tops. 

Wario: An opportunistic gig as a kidnapper for mensis followed by a one way trip down blood-frenzy lane.

Solid Snake: A firearms expert skilled in melee combat. The Powder Kegs would be begging to add him to their ranks. Stake Driver + Cannon. Literally too stupid for the Old Blood to have any effect on his mind.

Ike: All his friends are bloodthirsty beasts now. Who is there left to fight for?

Pokemon Trainer: Would last maybe an hour before their pokemon were infected and turned. 

Diddy Kong: Immedeate Beasthood, also has a gun that shoots peanuts. 

Lucas: Has already faced horrors akin to the hunt along with friends who survived the same. A timid mind betrays a young man who will do what needs to be done. 

Sonic The Hedgehog: Has canonically lived through being a POW and defeated an ancient god of chaos. Would make a terrifyingly effective but unbearably obnoxious hunter. 

King Dedede: Has been possessed by ancient malevolent gods several times. Would last maybe eight minutes.

Olimar: In a unique position. Has field experience with controlling hive-minds and an extensive knowledge of xenobiology. Likely too small to be of any interest to the Great Ones and would spend most of his time gathering specimens.

Lucario: Immedeate Beasthood. Psycic Lycanthrope with knowledge of martial arts.

R.O.B.: Completely and totally unaffected by most dangers in bloodborne, but would also have little interest in the suffering of the biologicals. A neutral party.

Toon Link: Has already faced down several Great One level threats. Would absolutely survive the Hunt. 

Wolf: Already a bit of a bloodthirsty psychopath. Would make an excellent addition to the Executioners before going mad with bloodlust.

Villager: A novice with ranged weapons and handy with an axe, but all in all would likely be another poor soul taken by the Hunt. 

Megaman: Cant contract bloodborne diseases if you dont have blood. Literally has a firearm built into their arm. Has been shown to be skilled with melee weaponry and to have the cold, unfeeling capacity for violence required of a hunter.

Wii Fit Trainer: Does not have blood and thus immune to the violent madness of the Hunters Curse, but decides to go on a murderous rampage anyway. 

Rosalina: Already the surrogate mother to a race of astral beings. Would be revered as holy. Essentially on par with Queen Yharnam. Great Ones would be tripping over themselves for her.

Little Mac: Stake Driver + Gratias Fist. Has canonically boxed a literal gorilla and won. Doc would immediately be eaten, but Mac would use this as a source of resolve to grow stronger and knock out god herself. 

Greninja: Immedeate Beasthood.

Palutena: As a literal goddess, every single Great One would see her as competition and would be out to get her. It is unclear as to how she would fair as the true extent of her divine strength is unknown. 

Pac Man: Eats Ghosts. More likely to be hunted than a hunter.

Robin: Though a competent soldier and leader, when it comes to the Hunt, allies become a burden. Would likely meet the same fate as the other poor Fire Emblem characters.

Shulk: While his skillset would transfer well to the Hunt, his mind would not. Shulk would not be prepared for the terrible realities of the beast scourge and would quickly give in to despair. Monsters are one thing, the sight of people being disemboweled is another.

Bowser Jr: A shame for one so young to face a night like this. Has the equipment, but not the resolve. 

Duck Hunt: Fused into a single nightmare creature like the crow-hounds found in the nightmare of Mensis.

Ryu: A valiant fighter not used to melee weapons who would make a competent enough hunter, but would likely fall to the maddening influence of frenzy. 

Ken: Would last longer than Ryu, but would most likely meet the same frenzied fate. 

Cloud Strife: A person from circumstances arguably as bleak as Yharnams with an outlook and experience to match it. The Buster Sword would make quick work of even the largest of beasts. The right mix of hopeful and serious to last through the horrors of the Hunt. 

Corrin: Someone almost uniquely acquainted with the beastly embrace. More likely to be hunted than a hunter, but this would not stop them from doing what was right, in fact, it would likely be a source of resolve.

Bayonetta: Would keep Vicar Amelia as a pet. 

Inkling: A half-cephalapod genetic experiment bred for war that comes pre-equipped with weaponry meant to fire bodily fluids. Would willingly give themselves to Kos and become a terrifying adversary to any hunter.

Simon/Richter: Would take the entirety of bloodborne as a personal affront and would cleanse ever single living thing in the entire game without a second thought. Beast Cutter + Ludwigs Rifle + Golden Ardeo + Radiance Rune.

Ridley: Xenocidal, nigh-unkillable, psychopathic space dragon whose only source of joy seems to be the pain of other living beings. Arguably more evil than literally any other being in bloodborne. Can and would eat the infant mergo alive just to shock and upset Queen Yharnam and Oedon. 

King K. Rool: Immedeate beasthood. 

Isabelle: Ruthlessness and skill that would rival Gherman and Lady Maria. Would approach the Hunt with the methodical, detached, attention to detail of a gardener ridding their flower patch of weeds. 

Incineroar: Immedeate beasthood. Watchcat of the Old Gods. 

Piranha Plant: Immedeate Beasthood. Confined to their pot.

Joker: A mind trained against psycic attack and a body trained in combat. Becomes a vileblood for the fashion. 

Hero of Light: An empty shell with no actual personality. Immedeate beasthood.