No.1 Emily Armstrong Apologist

(1.5k words?I think that's close enough)

You pull up to the driveway outside the Rasputin household , windows rolling down as your thumbs move nervously across your cracked phone screen to tell Illyana you were 5 minutes early for your double date with Kitty and Piotr.

Apparently , for the Queen of Limbo herself , 5 minutes is plenty of time for a quickie in the car before you two go and meet up with her fucking brother and his girlfriend who also just so happens to be best friends to the pair of you.

But fuck it , we ball.

Holy shit , holy fucking shit.

That’s the only thought repeating in your head whilst you watch Illyana drop her beautiful self onto your cock.

You were NOT expecting this when you picked Illyana up for dinner an hour ago , not her lowering onto your dick whilst you sit in the car’s backseat with new divide playing the background , not the pair of you horny idiots being on each other like flies to shit the second you two got in the car.

The russian doesn’t bother taking her time and just goes down , taking all of you in one go , and your brain short circuits watching her go down on you , everything else seems to become background noise when she wraps her arms around your neck and presses little kisses to your face , watching you stammer at a hundred thousand words a second.

A finger to your lips , that’s all she offers you in return “Shhh…Just sit there and take it , big girl , that’s it , well done” 

You might genuinely prematurely ejaculate like a total loser , and that heavy accent of her’s is doing nothing to save you from being such a pathetic horny loser for your girlfriend.

Your fingers tangle into blonde hair without much thought behind them and you smash your face forwards like you’re 15 and learning how to kiss again , nose against nose , looking into her pale blue eyes that always reminded you of how people tell you the hawaiian ocean is like in those shitty sunday morning cartoons , and she squeaks , like a hamster that you’ve just picked up and squeezed , but the hamster is a gremlin of a grown russian woman with black lipstick and blonde hair.

Illyana notices you staring , and she smirks , putting her hands on your abdomen and tracing along your V-line whilst maintaining full eye contact “You are so adorable” She practically purrs , accent thickening with each wet squelch of her riding you “Such a big girl , and you still get so shy for me.” her finger moves up , tracing up your abs and up and up over your chest , over your lipstick covered neck and positioning her two digits between your lips “Be a good girl and open wide”.

You do , because Illyana is Illyana and she’s also riding you like how arthur morgan rides that one really fast horse in rdr2.

The sight of you struggling around her fingers and making those cute little muffled noises makes something within her snap , and she increases the pace , one hand on your chest , dugging into the flesh , the other still has two digits between your lips , firmly shutting you up as your hips buckle up with increased urgency , god , you feel like such a virgin right now , whining , buckling and biting all at once.

“Why do you make everything go by so fast , Da?You make being patient seem so difficult , baby” She presses a smooch to your neck and all you can murmur in response is her name , over and over again , escaping your lips like a little prayer as you slow your pace “That’s it , well done , you are doing just fine.”

She adjusts her pace , she likes to draw it out , she licks her swollen lips with a sort of hunger that you’d see in a pitbull after it has been placed in a locked room with 50 toddlers , hands firmly on your chest now , pinning you done onto your seat without much force behind it.

“That’s it , big girl , you moan so pretty when I milk you dry” Illyana comments as she shifted her hands to perch atop your broad shoulders. “I always love how i can squeeze all those adorable little sounds out of you”

“ ‘m not adorable” You shoot back weakly , getting impossibly more flushed at her words , though ‘yana would 100% argue against that any day of the week with how you look right now , cheeks flushed , hair a mess , covered in her lipstick , a big , sweaty mess in the backseat getting your dick rode like crazy whilst linkin park plays in the background to accompany you two pushing your freak meters to the max.

‘Yana’s grip on your shoulders tighten , her nails digging into the flesh painfully (But in a sexy way , not in a ‘getting mauled by a feral dog/skinwalker’ kinda way y’know) , “Fuck…Snowflake , you’re tightening up…” You groan , head thrown back as ‘Yana beams at herself internally for her work , her smirk growing bigger , just like how your thoughts are steadily growing into a faint awareness of chester bennington’s vulnerable , almost pained vocals in the background as well as the overwhelming sensation of ‘Yana’s imminent orgasm through how her pussy is just tightening up like crazy.

Illyana’s obsessed , like actually obsessed , in like the same way psycho killers are with their victims , with dominating you , she loves how you come apart in her arms on the rare occasions you let her top , and she loves watching you submit , no matter how stubbornly or reluctantly.

You’re panting now , lips parted adorably for Illyana as you bring her in to smash your mouths together one last time , she moans into the kiss , hands wrapping around your neck to stabilise herself as you wrap both arms around her waist and you pump up inside her like there’s no tomorrow , grunting into the kiss and the pair of you making such a big sweaty mess of eachother.

The song’s and every other stupid fucking thing in the world besides the hot russian blondie ontop of you has been long forgotten now , so has all your other plans for tonight , tonight can wait for tomorrow , right now , all you want to do is cum.

“You’re so fucking close , and i can feel it , just let go , ‘yana , let go , that’s it , pretty little snowflake” You mutter against her lips as you feel her breathing get more frantic and pretty little moans spill out of her lips.

‘Yana follows your lead , meeting you in the middle when you thrust up all needy and desperate and she slams her hips down almost violently . The slapping of her skin against your’s in the back of the car is getting louder and more frantic , and the air is clouded with the smell of idiots having sex. 

Illyana comes with a muffled cry , drenching your lap in her juices as her legs and those plump thighs you’ve been ogling convulse , a little whimper escapes her as you pull almost all the way out before you slam back in with a reverence that’s almost violent , if not for the fact you’re holding her the same way a woman hanging from an airplane hangs onto said plane , because the plane(Illyana) is the only thing you care about in this exact moment.

Your orgasm comes hard , and it kicks your ass like piotr will if he ever finds out you did this , spilling out from you as you throw your head back , feeling like you’re in heaven for the 5 seconds your semen is shooting out of you and into Illyana , then you feel like you’re crashing face first back to earth and eating shit.

You groan and roll your hips , pushing your cum right back up into Illyana desperately , who , for her part , smoothes over her clothes and lets you clean her up with your mouth (She finds it very sexy).

Ok I’m going to be so honest can you just use your big smart intelligent brains to pretend there’s a time skip I’m bad at writing aftercare in these types of fics(And writing in general).

You and Illyana pull up to the restaurant in your shitty beat up toyota , looking incredibly satisfied already despite not having eaten a single bite of food , she limps slightly and you cringe at the thought of Colossus asking her what happened and you two having to makeup things on the spot because he seens to be too much of a saint to comprehend the idea of premarital sex.

Kitty gives you a wink anyways as you walk in trying to look like a normal girl on a normal double date that didn’t just have the best quickie of her life in the back of a 20 year old toyota with linkin park playing in the background and you feel your heart sink from your chest down into the ground and then looping back to drop onto your own head.

Time to face the music , and this time , there’s no nu metal involved.

NM#34 (I wish more people shipped this tbh warlock's such a chad he could litterally rizz anyone)

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex) Soooo needy , she loves whining and pouting and making you do all the damn work , clean up the sheets?Her legs aren’t working right now , sorry not sorry. She wants you to turn the TV on?the remote goes flying at you.

She needs to clean herself up?You’re carrying her all the way into the bath , scrubbing her clean , and then carrying her all the way back to bed before she makes you fetch her favourite snacks and deliver them like a peasant to their queen.

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s) She’s absolutely obsessed with your face , she just adores the way your features twist at her touch , it fuels her with a certain sense of pride seeing someone with your levels of composure and patience turn into a mess for her.

Personally I feel like Illyana’s a bit insecure about herself , but her favourite part’s probably her jaw , it helps that you’re also a big fan of kissing everywhere on her , and I mean everywhere.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically) Her cum:I recently read a fic by @Knightslayer428 on AO3 about Illyana being a squirting , creaming mess and it was like speaking to Jesus H Christ himself , so yes , I will enforce this agenda , and yes , she will be a creamy , squirty mess , I will die on this hill.

Your cum(G!P reader?): she likes to scoop up a handful and taste it sometimes just to check in on your diet , if she doesn’t like the taste , you can guarantee she’ll be shoving plates fruit in front of you for the rest of the week

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs) She gets really turned on at the sight of you being an awkward dork on the edge of the room when everyone’s having fun.

The sight of someone as imposing as you slouching in the doorframe whilst the gears in your head turn to properly fabricate a sentence for you to try to socialise is so adorable to her that she just wants to drag you off and milk you dry (She does do that occasionally).

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?) This might sound weird but considering she’s never had any real romantic relationships combined with her trauma I kinda see Illyana as Demi-sexual?

This is probably just me but I feel like she’s gotta have a certain level of trust in someone to engage in intimacy with them , she’s not having casual shit in her life.

Plus , you’re really patient(And hot) and you two have been through literally everything together , from being awkward , hormonal 15-year olds becoming new mutant members to being formal X-men , she’s basically your best friend and your girlfriend at the same time.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying) When she’s topping:Cowgirl , reverse cowgirl , face sitting , she’s happy with anyway she can bounce on , ride or otherwise drench you in her juices she’s happy.

When you’re on top:Missionary , mating press , You like seeing her face whilst she drenches the sheets , sometimes doggystyle if she wants you to be a bit rougher to fuck her frustrations away after a long day.

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.) Kinda Goofy , you’re kind of clumsy when you get tired so she has plenty of things to laugh at , like when you accidentally elbowed her and promptly banished yourself to the floor as a punishment or when she dropped onto your face and bent your nose crooked with the weight of her ass(She’s got some mythical cake and you will appreciate it the same way I do).

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.) I will say this once and once only , she’s a superhero , she’s going to be hairy , you’re both going to be hairy. Neither of you have time to shave in between saving the world , she likes you hairy though , says it feels like a sexier version of the vietnam war.(I don’t know what I was thinking writing this sorry sorry sorry.).

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect) Depends heavily on mood , sometimes intimate , likes to take her time with you , but other times she’s going to demand you get rough , or she’ll straight up do it for you. She’s absolutely in love with the way your face looks when you’re close to the edge , she loves to drag it out just to see your face stay like that for a few more seconds.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon) Only when you’re away and she knows you’re going to be gone for a while , if she’s really really missing you she’s 100% going to your room and humping your pillow or really anything that smells like you , she’s got her wants and needs , she wants you , and she needs to get off , if she can’t have you , she’ll take the closest thing.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks) Size-She loves how big and tall you are , in every way , when you hold hands and she feels your palm swallow her hand whole it gets her so soaked , or when she catches a glimpse of your stomach when your shirt hikes up it gets her feral , your cock is a big girl too and she loves it when you fill her up.

Praise-loves calling you her ‘big girl’ or generally talking to you like you’re a little puppy . cooing and stroking your cheek , the mothering does do wonders for your mommy issues though.

Marking-You both leave each other’s necks , shoulders and collarbone looking like a chew toy that’s been used for 10 years non-stop by a feral american bully , it’s her way of telling everyone else that you’re her’s , and only her’s

L = Location (favorite places to do the do) Your room , her room , anywhere with a bit of privacy , or as much of it as you’re going to get in a mansion or living island of telepaths run by John Telepath himself.

Sometimes when she really really needs it you guys do it outside , but even then she’s kinda paranoid about it , looking over her shoulder like a twitchy kitten every few seconds.

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

When you actually act like yourself instead of the usual stoic hero persona you put on for the others and the cameras , it makes her stomach feel like it’s full of butterflies , even if she’d never ever ever admit it to anyone , not even you , when you’re alone and you defend her and look at her with those eyes that she could just stare into all day she. The way your brows knitted and your nose scrunched up when you were frustrated or concentrated, the flex of your biceps when you stretched, those bands of muscles under your shirt coming out for her eyes to feast on when your shirt rode up.

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs) Doesn’t like any bdsm or anything that hurts you or ner , doesn’t mind if occasionally you spank her whilst you hit it from the back , you spiraled really hard once when you accidentally slapped her way too hard and her cheek got bruised , you felt so fucking bad for it afterwards you went and splashed a bunch of money to take her out on a date and spoilt her just to make up for it.

Neither of you like the feeling of being tied up , just doesn’t feel right to the both of you , given your collective trauma and the mutual hatred of feeling powerless.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.) Doesn’t mind , will give you head if you’re feeling frustrated , or if she’s feeling cruel she’ll drag it out , make you beg and moan for her throat , she’s obsessed with the needy , desperate looks you give her whilst you babble at a 100 words a second , all of them unintelligible , desperate sounds escaping your lips.

She also loves having you eat her out , especially if she’s sitting on your face , it feels her with the strongest flavour of lust possible when she wraps her thighs around your head and you eat her out like a woman starved for days that just got dropped into the middle of a 5-star buffet.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.) Bit of both , truly depends on mood , sometimes she’d just grab you and drag you off , other times it’s all rose tinted lights , vanilla candles and the whole 9 miles. You can really tell I’m burning out writing ts bro I’m just typing sum random shit at this point might just continue tmrw.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.) Neutral , feels like it’s not really enough , just leaves her wanting more , but when you’re both busy with work and/or dealing with the bullshit of the world and universe , she’ll let you get away with a few 5-minute ‘talks’ in the bathroom or in some supply closet somewhere.

But sometimes , very rarely , she spends like an hour showing off for you , then set you a time limit for how long you have to make her cum with you , and if you fail , she leaves you hanging and saunters off to go be Magik somewhere else , leaving you slack-jawed and very very horny.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.) She’s kinda a freak in the comics so probably , but she knows what she likes and she knows what you like , that’s enough to satisfy the queen of limbo herself , For now , that is , for now , you lucky shithead.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?) She’s a chump , you can sue or shoot me in the streets for this , I don’t give a single flying fuck (ooooh this is tuff) , you slip one finger in and tug at her hair and she’s turning your lap into a slip n slide , bite at her neck whilst rubbing her through her shorts?Instant. Waterfall , even you guys dry-humping each other gets her to soak your boxers through most of the time , total , chump (Repeated for emphasis)

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?) Vibrator-uses it on herself when you’re not around , maybe letting you use it on her when she’s really needy , but that’s quite rare-pretty self explanatory.

Fleshlight(G!P reader)-She really likes the sense of cruel power that get straight to her head when she uses it on you , the way your brow furrows in frustration and strings of curses escapes those lips of yours just from such a simple toy never ceases to entertain her at the cost of your dignity , begging does sound particularly nice to her when it’s you doing it , though.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease) Very. I think you freaks all know enough about her to know what I mean by that , she’s freaked up to the max even in public , especially in public , actually , running a hand up your thigh and muttering all kinds of filth in that heavy accent of hers into your ear.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.) Illyana tends to try not be too loud , having grown up with you inside a mansion of mutants where the walls are like 100 years old , if it gets too much she’ll: A)Kiss you B)Bite the nearest part of you C)Bite the nearest object

There are no alternatives , also I want her to bite me so bad.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character) Illyana definitely trains her gag reflex in secret with a dildo or something just for you.I don’t think I need to explain further.

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

She’s a superhero , so she’s probably ripped and wayyyy more built then they made her look in the comics (I want MuscleMommy!Illyana so bad and this is NOT me projecting shush shush shush shush) , probably all black underwear , unless she’s spicing it up down there for her special someone(you)(Lucky bastard).

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

She’s not thinking about it every second , but if she’s frustrated or she notices you getting upset/hurt in a fight the feeling comes up , or rather the heat pools low in her belly (Never really understood this term tbh , lowk doesn’t make sense)

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

Very Quickly , give her a mattress , a blanket and put her in your arms after a productive night and evening and she’s out like a light in 5 minutes or maybe even less if the pillow’s cold.