BibasRed

Something in me burns with your violent gaze,

as if I want to stop being myself even if just for a moment.

It doesn't matter if I'm covered from head to toe or if my legs are showing.

You always look at me the same, hate in your eyes and a touch of possession for who you deem to be inferior than you.

Stop looking at me like that. Who gave you the right to make me feel this way? Was it society, history, a God?

Leave me alone, I just want to live my life without your input, without your judgment.

Maybe if I erase myself, you'll leave me alone.

Burpees, and my arms jiggle and feel like lead.

Squats, and my legs feel like they can't carry me anymore.

Jumping jacks, and why is my belly flopping like this?

Do the other women in my class feel the same way I do?

I would like to believe they don't. The vicious voice in my head tells me that I'm alone in this. Everyone is perfect. Everyone but me.

But I know the world I live in. We all have that same voice in our heads, ever since we were born. Sometimes it feels like that voice will long outlive us.

It started with all your attention on me.

Roaming hands, lingering kisses,

Discovering each other.

It ended with distance, bitterness,

Long nights looking at the ceiling

While you are sleeping by my side.

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It starts again with smiles and light,

The feeling of our skins touching,

Picnics in parks under the sun.

It ends again with responsibilities,

The closing in of all the walls

That the world tries to impose on us.

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It starts yet again under the moonlight,

When you caress my face with so much love

That I just feel like crying and home.

It is ending yet again with anger,

Eyes looking at everything around us

But not looking at each other.

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And who is at fault for this cycle?

The answer, it seems like, is no one.

So tell me, how many more times

I had to learn how to be myself

In a language that is not my own.

Because "I love you", in this world,