Bisexual Confessions

I think I’m ready for some serious attempts at dating again. My last relationship really made me go sideways on whether I thought I even wanted to be with a person that much. The pandemic forced me into close quarters with a person I’d purposely wanted to to slow with, and he very clearly wanted to accelerate at a stage I wasn’t comfortable with. I was kind of glad, because it was one of the telltale signs that we weren’t great at communicating with one another and that we wanted different things. It just sucked because I felt like I was going to hurt him in the process, but I think it’s taken me sometime to realize that I’ve been healing because I was also hurt.

We decided to not do distance, and we lived together for a few months, benefit of remote work during the pandemic.

So identity is part of a public persona. If you don't want to be identified by your sexuality then you should have that freedom. Absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I then spent hours watching movies with my parents, and for some reason the program we were watching it on kept restarting the movie (It’s a foreign film) and it has this pretty homophobic scene in it and I brushed it off the first time, but then it repeated a second and a third time and I got annoyed. I didn’t laugh the first time or the times afterwards which is what my family likes to call me “being sensitive”.

And so when we gave up on the movie when it restarted again, my dad tried to show us the clip he thought that was funny on his phone, which I thought was silly. But then it started with that same homophobic scene again and I just felt ill. It’s so infuriating to not feel like I can express what makes me mad. How I feel like I watch them judge the person I truly am over and over again to my silent detriment. 

When I was at work earlier this year, co-workers were talking about how funny they found photoshopped images of Putin and Trump kissing. When I politely pointed out that although I initially found it funny, it kind of bothered me that the crux of the joke was that they must like each other so much that they’re gay, that it had a homophobic premise. I didn’t accuse them, but was allowed to be in a safe space where I was out and could provide a perspective on a thing that bothered me. The immediate reinforcement and allowance for my voice to be heard and my feelings respected made me elated. 

These are some of the things that being the in the closet can ruin for you. Because in the closet, you feel unheard and unseen. Sometimes people don’t get what the point of pride is in the gay community. Why be flamboyant? Why be in your face? Because we’re so used to policing ourselves and being in the shadows. More than any other groups are likely to be subjected to being surrounded initially by those who feel free to make comments or say things at your expense. 

It was great. I was worried from texting him before that he was going to be too physically focused and that we wouldn’t be able to talk, but I was very wrong. We were talking for two hours straight without me looking at my phone and I was really enjoying it and then HE STARTED TALKING ABOUT HIS BOYFRIEND.