I can’t figure out why I’m angry. I had coffee tonight which I shouldn’t have, but additionally fueled by that I had to explain the status of my parents knowing my sexuality to a friend I’ve mine I know from high school. Rehashing it felt fine, like it was just another story I tell, because honestly I feel ok about it right now, even though it’s not where I’d like to ideally be.
I then spent hours watching movies with my parents, and for some reason the program we were watching it on kept restarting the movie (It’s a foreign film) and it has this pretty homophobic scene in it and I brushed it off the first time, but then it repeated a second and a third time and I got annoyed. I didn’t laugh the first time or the times afterwards which is what my family likes to call me “being sensitive”.
And so when we gave up on the movie when it restarted again, my dad tried to show us the clip he thought that was funny on his phone, which I thought was silly. But then it started with that same homophobic scene again and I just felt ill. It’s so infuriating to not feel like I can express what makes me mad. How I feel like I watch them judge the person I truly am over and over again to my silent detriment.Â
When I was at work earlier this year, co-workers were talking about how funny they found photoshopped images of Putin and Trump kissing. When I politely pointed out that although I initially found it funny, it kind of bothered me that the crux of the joke was that they must like each other so much that they’re gay, that it had a homophobic premise. I didn’t accuse them, but was allowed to be in a safe space where I was out and could provide a perspective on a thing that bothered me. The immediate reinforcement and allowance for my voice to be heard and my feelings respected made me elated.Â
These are some of the things that being the in the closet can ruin for you. Because in the closet, you feel unheard and unseen. Sometimes people don’t get what the point of pride is in the gay community. Why be flamboyant? Why be in your face? Because we’re so used to policing ourselves and being in the shadows. More than any other groups are likely to be subjected to being surrounded initially by those who feel free to make comments or say things at your expense.Â